To think that 20 year old stepson can drive up to visit us instead of husband still collecting him

[Imdonewithchristmas]

I am a step mum to 2 lovely, (now adult )children (a man now 20 years old and a woman aged 22).

Husband and I are also parents to a 9 and 12 year old and have been together since his children were young. We live about 2/2.5 hour drive away from them (more depending on traffic) and since his divorce he has always travelled a round trip on every other weekend to collect them and return them (so approx 8 -10 hours round trip in a weekend).

For about the last 3 years, we discovered a train station which is approx half way between us. HB would buy tickets and then drive an hour each way to collect from station so this has reduced the overall journey time by some 4 -5 hours.

Stepson passed his driving test in August and has own car now. I only found out this out last week just as current visit was being planned. My first reaction was just to ask husband why he couldn't drive up on this occasion as he is now 20, has own car and it would be good for his independence. (still lives at home with a part time job and no plans for a career). Also we were coming back from seeing my family (3 hour drive) and he had planned to collect his kids that afternoon (so a 5 hour journey). Then, they have decided to return on separate days as stepson has a part time job he does so that’s another 4 hours of trips.

My husband went literally berserk. I thought what I had asked was a reasonable question but he just said “no – just shut up” I don’t want your carping on. I hadn’t carped at all – literally just asked the question.

I said I was just trying to understand why it was such an issue and he said that he couldn’t expect his son to drive all that way and his car is probably not the best.

I tried to bring it up again today as we sat stuck in traffic on the way back feeling stressed at the timings basically saying did he have any plans for the future to ask son to drive up. Honestly his response was so harsh I had to just force back the tears so our children in the back didn’t know.

I am shocked at his reaction to even discuss the matter. Was I being unreasonable to ask for his reasoning? He was so sensitive about it. Can someone help me get a perspective if I am in the wrong here as I don’t get it at all.

When I was at uni I didn't drive and would get the train with a terms worth of bags. Would be 3 hours and I never imagined asking for a lift.

Once I graduated and learned to drive my parents never collected me again.

I'm 27 - and 3, maybe 4 times a year, my mother will do a 2.5 hour round trip to pick me up from the flat I own in central london with my fiancé, and bring me back to the family home, rather than have me go on the train. I never ask and often say 'are you sure'? I think she likes it. I've been driving since I was 19!

The snapping thing is a separate issue and I think you need to take a very dispassionate view over whether he is BU or whether you're making a big deal about his continued relationship with his young adult stepchildren.

It seems the DH had explained, in fact several times

Really? I'm not seeing that anywhere in the OP's posts.

OP

I don't think this is about the drive at all. It's about lots of other stuff going back years I expect- to do with the time he gives his children from his first marriage.

You may not be, but you sound jealous. It also sounds as if you don't like your stepson much- why else say he's 20, part time job and no plans for a career?
Do you feel his dad should give him a kick up the backside generally? Is his son taking time away from you both as a couple? That's how it sounds.

Also I don't understand your maths! You said they were 2.5 hrs away but a train trip has reduced this to an hour. So your DH is in fact doing a 1hr drive there, then back, then the same when he returns them to their mum. That really isn't very far. Anyone living in London or a big city could take an hour to cross town!

So yes YRBU

I don't see the big deal if contact's reduced to 4-6 weeks. I think it's nice he wants to do it. Your children don't stop being your children when they turn 18. It may well be that at some point his son decides to try the journey in his car but that shouldn't be at your instigation.

Surely a young adult with few restrictions on time can get in their car and do the journey, at a non- peak time of day.

I remember the day I passed my test, I got into the car my DF bought me and went to see my friend who lived 1 hour away with a busy motorway between us. It was total freedom!

Of course he could but his father wants to do it.

daisy a 1 hour drive is very different to a 2.5 hour one, especially if your car is quite old.

Pithivier- hearing your words makes me think this is what it's really about. I think you are right. It's all those things- you are very wise - Thankyou.

Polly Perky - not sure where you get the 'jealousy' thing from - perhaps something you have experienced? I want the best for my step son. I want him to find his way in life. Like any step mum I have little influence other than to be a good friend and confident. But I want him to do well and yes I think my HB like any good father should help to encourage him. My concern re the post is more around the amount of driving that my hb is having to do this week -he is tired and older now and I can see will do anything for his children as he cares for them so much. But he could do with a break. That's why I think he is so grumpy. At his age I had passed my test at 17 and was driving all over the country. In fact I'd hitch hiked around parts of US at 19 so think that driving for 2.5 hours isn't a big deal. I didn't don't like being yelled at in car I can't get out of with my kids in the back seat. Am I not 'allowed' to ask a question? I have to say is felt bullied. I haven't space here to repeat how and what he said but it was just awful. I've spent my whole time with him seeing his kids every other weekend up until last few years and I am really good friends with them. I have my own relationship with them. The issues of guilt are his alone. But I think he takes that out on me. I've done my best.

My DC is 20 and at uni anout 3.5 hours away and the only time we think about driving to collect her is at the start/end of a year, she is perfectly capable of catching a train and it's cheaper too.

I understand that your DH may not want an inexperienced driver with a basic car driving but really can't understand why the train option is being ignored.

At 20 I'd been driving for 3 years and was driving throughout London and the southeast for work and wouldn't have hesitated to do the journey but my car was suitable

It's not a vast amount of time over a year or whatever, but it's understandable that the OP is resentful of the loss of almost an entire day to facilitate these lifts now that DSS has learnt to drive. It doesn't even need to be the entire journey- he could even meet his dad at a park and ride at a town on the route, moving the rendezvous point closer to the OP's home as he gains in confidence/experience.

I'm wth Figure17a. DH most likely knows that if left to his own devices his DS couldn't be arsed with the drive and so just wouldn't come. It's realising where you come in your child's priorities and having to face it that was the cause of the loss of temper, not the OP's tone.

I think it's a good point that you make Figure 17 and the crack dealer that maybe left to own devices he wouldn't bother.

I guess I have this ideal in my head that him driving to us would help him feel more responsible and independent- he was so proud of passing his test. But maybe he'd hate it.

For those that have said I've gone at him several times - suggest you reread post more carefully. I asked him once and just got a brush off no and then asked him again to explain reasoning. That's not several times it's twice. If he had just answered me in a calm way the first time explaining then I would have left it at that. But yes I guess the underlying issues are that I don't have a manual for all that comes with being a second wife with 2 stepchildren and I've done my best to build a relationship, support good contact and take second place to his first family.l for the last 14 years. I have a fab relationship with his kids and financially have contributed to his families whole lifestyle. So I think I deserve occasionally when I ask a question not to be yelled at. Is that such a big ask? I don't know why he had got like this to be honest but yes he has become less tolerant all round. Not about the kids but just him. I think he feels tired and needs a break from work and relentless running around which is why I made the suggestion. I am his wife now- and have been for 14 years. Does that mean I have to sit in silence because he has had another family? Why shouldn't I expect him to share some of the decision making with me? What is a marriage if you can't discuss things openly? Some people are saying I should butt out and leave him to it? I've never demanded the step son drive - he just wanted to understand the reasons why he can't? Is that so much to ask after 14 years?

Apologies for the typos- on my phone!!

It is your husband's business not yours.after the first time you got such an emphatic answer, did you bring it up again.you sound a bit jealous of your dh's relationship with his children

It is your husband's business not yours.after the first time you got such an emphatic answer, did you bring it up again.you sound a bit jealous of your dh's relationship with his children

It is your husband's business not yours.after the first time you got such an emphatic answer, did you bring it up again.you sound a bit jealous of your dh's relationship with his children

thanks December but you are wrong. There is nothing to be jealous of.
I just don't like being yelled at over a simple question

YANBU. Ignore December10th
As PP have said maybe he enjoys that time with them so is happy to continue the long drive. Can't be any other reason!
You've been very accommodating all these years and you have every right to voice your opinion whether he likes it or not.
Have a proper discussion about the situation next time your DC are not around.

Whatever the reason for it there is no need for him to speak to you like that. You need to have him about that at the very least.

And it does impact you, it takes your husband away from your family for long hours at the weekend. It is contributing to his general tiredness and grumpiness and now his son can drive himself it's completely unnecessary. I'm surprised at the stepson too; once I could drive I wanted to. I'd have leapt at the chance and not wanted to be babied.

I find your situation 'utterly weird', bluesky. Different strokes for different folks, innit.

It has touched a nerve with him, perhaps knowledge that his son might not bother coming if he wasn't collected, worry about his son's future and wanting to keep the 1:1 time they have on the drive, guilt over leaving them, or something else.

For whatever reason he won't discuss this with you. I don't think topics should be off limits in a marriage, it is a partnership and whilst you can disagree you should discuss things with your spouse and let them express their thoughts. Obviously other posters disagree as there are lots of "his kids not your business comments"!

However he absolutely shouldn't snap at you so strongly for asking a question, especially not stuck in a car with your kids listening. Although given he was sensitive about it the car wasn't the best place to talk about it.

I would find a good moment and tell dh calmly that it is not acceptable to snap at you so strongly, particularly not in front of the kids, regardless of what he thinks about your question. I would leave the driving issue for now tbh, hopefully he will be open to explaining his reasoning to you in the future.

Although his driving to collect his son seems illogical, it obviously holds some important function for him, and I don't think it's unreasonable of him to continue doing this, particularly as he is worried about his son's future. Maintaining a good relationship with his son will be important if his son continues to be unmotivated and your dh wants to challenge this/ encourage him.

Your H's reaction was extreme but I do get the impression that your 'concern' and 'helpfulness' comes acros as judgemental. You've decided that DSS needs to become a more confident driver and that driving to see his father is a way he could achieve that. He's been driving for 4 moths, it isn't your call as to when and how he becomes a more confident driver and anyway, I don't believe DSS 'confidence' is your motivation. I suspect and suspect that your H also suspects, that your concern is a thinly disguised way of saying your DSS should be driving to see his father and not the other way around and you're not happy at the continuation of a perceived imbalance.

You asked a question and it was answered, it obviously wasn't answered to your liking and so you brought it up again in the hope that your 'reasoning' would change his mind. The carping on comment was probably linked to previous expressions of 'concern' and 'helpfulness' and your unwillingness to accept that your H doesn't want input on his relationship with his son.

Your H was rude and should apologise but you also need to accept that his relationship with your DSS isn't yours to manage.

YANBU unreasonable to ask why he can't drive himself and he IBU to yell at you about it.

My eldest is not much older, can drive but hasn't got a car. I still expect him to make his own way here.

Re the snapping, assuming it's not a regular thing, it's probably more helpful to try and understand what's behind did than be offended by it. Surely we all say unreasonable things once in a while when feeling stressed or unhappy.