To think that 20 year old stepson can drive up to visit us instead of husband still collecting him

[Imdonewithchristmas]

I am a step mum to 2 lovely, (now adult )children (a man now 20 years old and a woman aged 22).

Husband and I are also parents to a 9 and 12 year old and have been together since his children were young. We live about 2/2.5 hour drive away from them (more depending on traffic) and since his divorce he has always travelled a round trip on every other weekend to collect them and return them (so approx 8 -10 hours round trip in a weekend).

For about the last 3 years, we discovered a train station which is approx half way between us. HB would buy tickets and then drive an hour each way to collect from station so this has reduced the overall journey time by some 4 -5 hours.

Stepson passed his driving test in August and has own car now. I only found out this out last week just as current visit was being planned. My first reaction was just to ask husband why he couldn't drive up on this occasion as he is now 20, has own car and it would be good for his independence. (still lives at home with a part time job and no plans for a career). Also we were coming back from seeing my family (3 hour drive) and he had planned to collect his kids that afternoon (so a 5 hour journey). Then, they have decided to return on separate days as stepson has a part time job he does so that’s another 4 hours of trips.

My husband went literally berserk. I thought what I had asked was a reasonable question but he just said “no – just shut up” I don’t want your carping on. I hadn’t carped at all – literally just asked the question.

I said I was just trying to understand why it was such an issue and he said that he couldn’t expect his son to drive all that way and his car is probably not the best.

I tried to bring it up again today as we sat stuck in traffic on the way back feeling stressed at the timings basically saying did he have any plans for the future to ask son to drive up. Honestly his response was so harsh I had to just force back the tears so our children in the back didn’t know.

I am shocked at his reaction to even discuss the matter. Was I being unreasonable to ask for his reasoning? He was so sensitive about it. Can someone help me get a perspective if I am in the wrong here as I don’t get it at all.

I was about to advise you to step away from his relationship with his children, but having read your update I've changed my mind. He has no right to speak to you like that. I'd wait until your children are not there and then bring up your unhappiness at the way he behaved - whatever his reasons he is acting like a bully.

You sound a bit intense. If he asked you something and you gave him an answer and he continued to ask about you might lose your patience and snap too. Really there is no need for all this drama about what you deserve after 14 years of marriage being married doesnt mean that you must give suitable explanations for your actions on demand.

Tbh op, It sounds like you don't really like DsS and that your DH has picked up on that.

I wouldn't want a new driver doing such a long drive either. And if I only saw my adult children every 4-6 weeks I would happily do the drive to get them. My parents regularly drive for 6 hours (each way) to see me and the grandkids for a weekend. It's just what parents do.

I've just got my first car, it's quite old and my parents have insisted I don't do any journeys in it that are longer than 90 minutes. It's literally a cheap run around not a lobb distance Veichle. If your husband wants to pick his children up I'm not sure it's your place to tell him not to

Any car that can't be driven for 2.5 hours shouldn't be on the road.

Our 'run around' is an 08 so I'm not a fully paid up member of the 'upgrade your car every 2 years brigade' but I'd happily get in it now and drive it to the North of Scotland. When I feel differently it goes.

I think yanbu op he's been driving 6 months now so has to do it sometime.

It sounds to me like he really enjoys it - having that one to one time with his kids in the car - and he's aware that that time is coming to an end (sort of empty nest syndrome, but with a car!) The journey has abviously been very much a part of his time with his kids while they were growing up and even if it seems like a bit of bind sometimes the thought of not doing it anymore is quite sad. It might sound a bit silly, bit that's a bit like I felt with school run - drove me made being tied to making the journey there and back sometimes twice a day, but as the end approached I realised how much I enjoyed the times we had in the car. Sometimes have a little pang for it about 3pm even now. If his son can drive and has a car there will come a time when he makes the trip on his own - maybe your DH is just feeling a bit sad about that, but can't put it into words.

OP, if you were so concerned about your husband having to do so much driving in one day, why weren't you doing that driving on the trip back from your family?

My thought too ellis

I hesitate to mention this, but is picking up your D's the only thing he is doing on these long journeys?

I hesitate to mention this, but is picking up your D's the only thing he is doing on these long journeys?

Where on earth has that come from December?

December you have gone from the OP being jealous of her DSC, to him now being up to something on long trips - seriously!

The OP doesn't show signs of jealousy IMO, sounds like she has been a step mum for around the 15 year mark, pretty sure she knows what she feels and has made many many comments about her relationship with her stepchildren, and how she has a good relationship with them

the time comes when children need to get some independence and realise that their parents won't always be there, these children are no longer children they are adults. They can get the train a bit further or drive themselves, not all the time but share the travelling it's what I've done and DP has done since we left home me for uni him at 17.

The OP is allowed to suggest that the DSs should be driving more, she is allowed to show concern for her husband it's a very long round trip and if her husband is struggling (she mentions he is getting older etc) of course she can show concern. I'm sure she would do the same if it was her biological child.

The OP came for advise on her husband shouting at her, not for her relationship with her SC to be dissected.

Agree with others he's being over sensitive and I'd try to get to the bottom of it OP, may well be an overcompensation after being the NRP might feel he has to do these trips or it might be he really loves the time - chat to him when it's a bit cooler but he should not have spoke to you in that way.

Sounds like you have done a lot of complaining about this over the years, which is why latest complaint provoked harsh reaction. Even if you didn't complain as such, but just didn't fully support it.

Of course it impacts on the OP! it means that she is totally responsible for their two children for much of the weekend, If her husband does a 5hour journey on a Friday ( I assume after work ) and again on a Sunday .

And they must be spending a fortune on petrol, that's their money not his. It would be much easier and cheaper for the step kids to be given a YP rail card and come by train.

I have a fairly shy and sheltered 16 yo and even she is able to do such a journey by train, so I'm sure a 20 yo can.

I think it's quite reasonable for the OP to expect a polite and reasonable discussion about this. It's affecting the whole family and the younger children can't be seeing much of their dad every second weekend .

RTFT - it's not every other weekend it's every five or six weeks now they are older. They come part of the way on the train. I don't think the OP I should being unreasonable asking the question, but I think her DH may be feeling sensitive about cutting the strings with his DSs. I actually think it's great he obviously has a close relationship with them after not living with them for 15 years. Hats off to him for making the effort to maintain that - many men wouldn't bother especially when younger kids come on the scene.

Thanks - my relationship with stepson is just fine. I like him very much and have spent 15 years involved in his life. He also likes me very much. I have a similar relationship with his sister (I have a stepdaughter aswell) who also comes at same time to visit and is 22 - she takes train from Uni.

There is no jealousy - I am not sure why this is being banged on about - they love our children and they all really look forward to the visits. Both my 9 and 12 year old love having them so I have absolutely no reason to be jealous. My concern is for my husband now who has always done the entire journey himself as no help ever to meet half way from the ex. He complains of tiredness which worries me. I also thought it would be good for my stepson to stand on his own two feet a bit. I know I am not his parent but I am still a step parent and think I can at least put my point across and have it heard respectfully and have a respectful reply. I think a good point was made that I shouldn't have done this in the car with kids in back but wasn't expecting such an outburst. It must sound like judgement perhaps but that wasn't how it was intended. However even if there was judgement - I think I am entitled to have an opinion. I didn't sign anything when I married him to say that all opinions on step children should be kept out of it?

I would usually do the driving from my families place but I was ill with flu which complicated things more.

I am very grateful for all the perspectives though - I can see there are some posters who clearly see me as a jealous carping other woman as per the stereotype or what they themselves may have experienced. I am not sure my husband thinks that of me although clearly now he does have an issue on this occasion.

just for clarity it is now 4 - 6 weeks but up until 2 years ago it was every other weekend and yes I was left with my own kids for large parts of weekend on my own as he did long round trips to get them. But they were his kids and he had to do that to maintain contact so I had no issue with it.

Whatever the reasoning behind it, the fact that he bit your head off and made you feel bullied, rather than simply explaining that reasoning, is a dick move. And it's indicative of somebody who doesn't know how to communicate their feelings with their wife of 15 years. That would concern me.

OP No, I don't have any personal experience of stepfamilies and jealousy. Sorry I can't oblige you there!

I do though have children older than your step children and a husband who, with work, can drive 3 hours each way or more in one day, flies all over the world, and was able and happy to drive our adult children around when necessary.

What does strike me though is you appear to be in denial or are being dishonest about your own motivations in all of this. Your husband is driving one hour each way - picking up his son midway- and doing the same in reverse. This is not a lot of driving, so imo, you are whinging about nothing. Maybe his work-life balance needs adjusting, rather than his time spent with his first family, and that's another separate issue.

You don't like being shouted at in a car? So why choose that moment to bring up something which is emotional and sensitive?

IMO you chose the wrong moment to pick a fight over this; when people are cooped up in a car they can't 'escape' do they're a target. Touching on something emotional is very dangerous when the other person is driving. It was stupid of you to bring it up when you presumably knew he'd be emotional over it. you had 2 children in the back of the car.

As for your stepson driving the distance; things have changed since you passed your test. I passed mine over 40 years ago and the roads were quieter then. We advised our DCs not to drive long distances or use motorways until they'd got a decent amount of experience - 6 months is nothing, though it depends how much driving he's done and in what sort of traffic.

All that is by the by. Giving up 4 hours or so to drive your kids to see you every 6 weeks or so is nothing. You need to get it in perspective.

Jesus, PollyPerky, do you always read so much into things?

OP never said she was "whinging" and she never implied that she "picked a fight". She asked a perfectly reasonable question. "He has a car now, so why doesn't he just drive to us?" Perfectly normal thing to ask.

I agree with you OP. My husband still drives backwards and forwards to pick up his 20+ kids on a weekend and I think it's babying them. It's doing them no favours whatsoever being so dependant on their parents at their ages. I have suggested that we give his kids a key so they can just visit when they want instead of having this childish access rota still in place but he shouts me down and won't have it.

It doesn't impact me to be honest do I don't get into it now but I think encouraging a bit of independence and maturity would do them the world of good.

I'm completely with LillianGish. I think it's much more to do with one on one time starting to be less and less than anything else. Our eldest is 17 and spends less time with the family and more time with his friends these days. Sometimes my husband will ask him to go for a drive to do errands and this is when they listen to music and chat. A lot more of my sons life/worries/hopes are discussed at these times than in the house.

Once every 4/6 weeks is not really a lot, is it?

I used to laugh at parents who gave their teenage / adult kids lifts everywhere. Now the laugh's on me. As many other posters have already said, it's a rare and precious opportunity to spend time together and I cherish every moment.

It's weird watching your kids become adult - very bitter sweet.Your husband was wrong to snap at you and he needs to apologise but it sounds as if you've touched a raw nerve.

PollyPerky, do you always read so much into things?

Not entirely sure what you mean by that? I've said basically she needs to get a perspective because an hour each way and back over every 4th or 6tth weekend is nothing.

OP never said she was "whinging" and she never implied that she "picked a fight". She asked a perfectly reasonable question. "He has a car now, so why doesn't he just drive to us?" Perfectly normal thing to ask.

No but I'm saying she's whinging, and was picking a fight at a stupid time to discuss something sensitive!

Are you so insensitive you can't see this? It might be a 'reasonable' question, but why is she so huffy about her DH raising his voice? Does she post on forums every time there is a whiff of a row with her DH? No, because this is more than 'just' a row over driving.