To think that 20 year old stepson can drive up to visit us instead of husband still collecting him

[Imdonewithchristmas]

I am a step mum to 2 lovely, (now adult )children (a man now 20 years old and a woman aged 22).

Husband and I are also parents to a 9 and 12 year old and have been together since his children were young. We live about 2/2.5 hour drive away from them (more depending on traffic) and since his divorce he has always travelled a round trip on every other weekend to collect them and return them (so approx 8 -10 hours round trip in a weekend).

For about the last 3 years, we discovered a train station which is approx half way between us. HB would buy tickets and then drive an hour each way to collect from station so this has reduced the overall journey time by some 4 -5 hours.

Stepson passed his driving test in August and has own car now. I only found out this out last week just as current visit was being planned. My first reaction was just to ask husband why he couldn't drive up on this occasion as he is now 20, has own car and it would be good for his independence. (still lives at home with a part time job and no plans for a career). Also we were coming back from seeing my family (3 hour drive) and he had planned to collect his kids that afternoon (so a 5 hour journey). Then, they have decided to return on separate days as stepson has a part time job he does so that’s another 4 hours of trips.

My husband went literally berserk. I thought what I had asked was a reasonable question but he just said “no – just shut up” I don’t want your carping on. I hadn’t carped at all – literally just asked the question.

I said I was just trying to understand why it was such an issue and he said that he couldn’t expect his son to drive all that way and his car is probably not the best.

I tried to bring it up again today as we sat stuck in traffic on the way back feeling stressed at the timings basically saying did he have any plans for the future to ask son to drive up. Honestly his response was so harsh I had to just force back the tears so our children in the back didn’t know.

I am shocked at his reaction to even discuss the matter. Was I being unreasonable to ask for his reasoning? He was so sensitive about it. Can someone help me get a perspective if I am in the wrong here as I don’t get it at all.

Is it maybe that dh knows his son wouldnt visit left to his own devices, even if he's not able to admit that to himself

Maybe he thinks they won't visit as often if they have to drive, and he enjoys the time with them in the car.

His assumption that one remark heralds the start of concerted 'carping' is interesting. As is the fact that concerns for DSS are discussed away from you.

Is there history here? You saying certain things andvhim defending his DC?

There have been some good suggestions as to how your husband is feeling.

None of them excuse his behaviour, though. Why couldn't he just tell you these things himself, if that's how he's feeling? Rather than biting your head off for no apparent reason. He sounds like a real jerk.

My husband went literally berserk

So he threw away his helmet and shield and ran screaming towards the enemy in a manner to strike dread and fear into his foes?

Oh. No, he just snapped at you. Are you always this dramatic?

Has he reacted like this to you before on other topics? If so, there is more of an underlying problem.

If his mind is made up that this is what he wants to do and he has told you this, how many attempts are you going to make to change his mind?

However, no reaction should prompt someone to tears (unless they are hypersensitive) and he needs to look at that.

This seems very familiar. Adult step children and a husband who gets tetchy if any comment is made that could be taken as in any way criticising the step children's visits.

We don't know the details of his divorce OP. If he feels he was the 'guilty party' and deserted his children when they were young, he may be putting in more effort now. Also- was he divorced when you met or was one of you the OM/ OW? All of this could lead to guilt and explain his behaviour now.

I don't go for this 'but they are adults now' - legally yes, they are, but they are still his children and there isn't a cut-off point when children- even as adults- don't see or need their parents. The son is only 20 and yes, his car may be a banger and he may lack confidence for a 3 hr drive at this point.

I think it would be reasonable to share the journey, so maybe he could collect them from the station but then they could go home by train/ bus whatever? Is there no door to door public transport in your area?

I'm not sure where you are coming from with this- jealous of the time he spends with his children? Wanting him around more at the weekend? Why does it bother you so much?

Just to contrast.. My ds is 14 and we live at the opposite end of the country to my ex.. For the last year he has been flying up and down on his own with me and his df picking up / dropping off at the airport at each end.. I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, just that yanbu to suggest your ds could travel independently iyswim.. Maybe the pp who says your dh is worried they would visit less if they had to travel under their own steam has hit the nail on the head?

OP - your husband only flew off the handle because he knows you have a point.

Perhaps he was annoyed at the suggestion a second you had just driven 3 hours to see your family but weren't suggesting that doing the same for his dc was an issue. It does not excuse the way he spoke to you, but I do think you are being a bit U. If it's only once every 4-6 weeks and your dh doesn't mind doing it (he seems to actively enjoy it) id let him get on with it

The suggestion that, even! Should not try to type and make roast potatoes at same time!!

To be honest your DH is an adult and I guess can make his own decision as to what he wants to do. Obviously if he had been moaning about doing it, it's reasonable to step in and try and offer advice, but it seems you have raised the issue several times, each time he has said he wants to continue to do it, so obviously he is going to feel that you are brow beating him into doing doing things 'your way'. It's lovely they still enjoy visiting your DH and spending time with him - I just don't get people's comments about it being odd or weird??

Actually, I think your dh may have a point. DSS only passed his test in August. That is a long drive for a new driver. I passed my driving test last year and had to do a drive like that in January when dp was still inebriated from the night before. It was so difficult and I was exhausted from it. I would have struggled even more without dp being my sat nav reader because I had to concentrate so hard. I think you're forgetting how hard long journeys are to drive when you're new at it. Especially if motorway driving forms part of that journey.

The dynamics in a separated family are often very skewed - if dad is feeling guilty about any aspect of the split, you may well find he overcompensates for literally years to ease his own conscience. Understandable (sort of) but this can be very hard to live with, particularly if it means adult 'children' are infantilised well into their 20s.

I think they are his children (albeit adult ones!) and if he wants to continue to go and get them then he should do. Why should anyone else need to be negative about it? Unless he's moaning about it himself? To turn it round maybe it's actually quite nice he has such a close relationship with them. Not many early twenties adults want to spend that much time with their dad!

For several years I did a south London - Norfolk round trip every other weekend so dd could spend time with her dad (who didn't drive). Never once did I moan about it. It was actually quite nice with lots of music to listen to in the car and peace driving there and then dd and I would have lunch when I picked her up and then we'd chat on the way home.

If you've mentioned your disapproval of this before he's probably just fed up with hearing it to be honest.

Your dh shouldn't have snapped at you but I don't think there's anything wrong with him not wanting his son as an inexperienced driver with what is probably a crap car driving such a long journey.

I've just got my first car, it's quite old and my parents have insisted I don't do any journeys in it that are longer than 90 minutes. It's literally a cheap run around not a lobb distance Veichle. If your husband wants to pick his children up I'm not sure it's your place to tell him not to.

I've just got my first car, it's quite old and my parents have insisted I don't do any journeys in it that are longer than 90 minutes. It's literally a cheap run around not a lobb distance Veichle. If your husband wants to pick his children up I'm not sure it's your place to tell him not to

That's fine, but why didn't the husband explain this to OP when she asked, rather than flying off the handle? What is so wrong with people that they can't just communicate their thoughts and feelings in a normal fashion?

Oh sorry, OP, there's a poster with a similar narrative who tends to post in a new name on a thread two or three times max, and then doesn't come back. My mistake, clearly. She hasn't been married that long, her husband sounds quite temper-prone. Adult DSS, treated like a dependant not an adult.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Iamnottheonewhoknocks; It seems the DH had explained, in fact several times. I think even the most placid amongst us would fly off the handle if we explained ourselves numerous times, only to be ignored because the other person wasn't hearing what they wanted to hear

I think it's lovely that he still wants to do this for his DC.
My dad did stuff like this for me and even though I took it for granted at the time, I look back now and am so gratefull. It was never any hassle or bother for him and was lovely to spend the time together. It makes me want to do the same for my DC.
I understand how it's annoying but be thankful that he's such a lovely dad.

YANBU, but my mum drove my 37 year old brother round to my dad's earlier! He doesn't drive and is still ferried round by all the parents I'm glad I'm only here for a Christmas visit.

Sorry but I think yabu, he's a new driver, search this forum for Middle aged adults who have been driving for years and are scared if the motorway.
They got sympathatic responses.

He asked you not to discuss it again, and you did. It all sounds a bit dramatic.

If he enjoys and wants to pick him up why it is such an issue?

I think, usually, when parents do nice things for adult dc it's because they want to fir their own reasons, not because dc need or demand it.

Every 4-6 weeks, if dh wants to do it seems perfectly reasonable to me and I'm not surprised he's cross if you keep telling him he shouldn't.

My take on this is that your DH probably enjoys the journey with his son. A chance to chat privately and hopefully let him confide any concerns. I think he is protecting him from perils of driving because of his age, maybe unreliability of the car and inexperience of driving. I think I would Leave it for a while and see how it pans out. Not all 20 year olds are mature. I have 3 grandchildren around that age, with vastly different capabilities.