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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about OH friend...?

81 replies

Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 10:36

Been with OH 7 years. Getting married this year both have kids from previous relationships.

Had issues a few years ago we are happy now and had counselling for a while. I consider us close and supportive of each other (trying not to drip feed).

OH has friends from his home town, he says the husband is his best friend although in reality it's the wife, which I have never had an issue with. They have been friends since school. She is also friends with OH DB. Last year I found out from OH that this friend slept with OH DB some time ago (at least 10 yrs ago) while she was married and so is OH DB (am friendly with his wife) both spouses are unaware of this.

When is came apparent that I knew this, OH friend and BIL both got extremely arsey and friends husband blocked me on FB (which I presume was her - worrying I would say something which I wouldn't - but I was uncomfortable to know what had gone on).

OH does not find friend attractive (she is a size 24 and OH not into larger ladies) but while he has been home for Xmas she has been texting him every evening and texting him about quite personal stuff which I think she should be discussing with her girlfriends or husband - (anxiety, problems with the pill/periods, issues with her OH etc) and I feel she has a soft spot for OH (and his brother) and I feel that what he sees as friendship is someone with a bit of an agenda in a stale relationship wanting male attention.

I mentioned it to OH last night that it made me uncomfortable and how would he feel if I was texting a heterosexual married bloke every day when we are both off work and spending time together.

Do I just continue to ignore as I trust OH and do not have any concerns from his perspective - AIBU to feel irritated and a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation?

OP posts:
JustanotherMortificado · 27/12/2016 10:47

You lost me at "he doesn't fancy her she's a size 24" Hmmhe obviously loves her personality though and yeah I would be pissed off too.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 10:51

Yes he does not fancy her - I thought twice about including that (the weight) for being picked up on it - but wanted to give a clear reason for him not finding her physically attractive - she is clinically obese and he does not find that attractive and I wouldn't either - I am sure some people do which is fine.

OP posts:
TiredBefuddledRose · 27/12/2016 12:38

She sounds kind of needy and sometimes the 'types' we're physically attracted to can be overcome if there's an emotional connection.
It does seem she needs the attention, has she said anything untoward?

NotStoppedAllDay · 27/12/2016 12:40

I bet he's surprised himself and does actually fancy her..... but he won't tell you that though

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2016 12:42

If you trust your OH, I'd just let them get on with it to be honest.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/12/2016 12:43

So if she were a size 8, you'd have reason to worry Hmm.

I reckon he's found himself oddly enough attracted to her and is just waiting for the opportunity to present itself.

DementedUnicorn · 27/12/2016 12:45

Well don't you just sound delightful Hmm

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2016 12:46

The OP knows her OH - we don't.

So if she feels he's in no way attracted to her, I'd be inclined to accept that.

Unless there's about to be some sort of dripfeed about history etc.

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/12/2016 12:54

I suppose it depends whether she's always done this or whether it's a recent thing, in which case I'd be weary. You obviously know what she's texting about though so I assume your oh is quite open about it? In which case from his pov you probably have nothing to worry about. It's quite sad how some women need that kind of male attention to boost themselves really though.

Has the friend not noticed you've suddenly disappeared from his fb?

Jellybean83 · 27/12/2016 12:54

Would anyone even bat an eyelid if friend was size 6 and OP mentioned her husband wasn't into 'smaller ladies'?! I doubt it. Hmm

Aftertheraincomesthesun · 27/12/2016 12:57

It's ok for OP to mention that her husband doesn't generally fancy larger ladies. In the same way that I don't log for skinny men. Just a bit of context.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2016 13:00

I've managed to reach the ripe old age of 47, having never been attracted to short men.

We all have our preferences.

Poole5 · 27/12/2016 13:01

Lots of men are attracted to larger ladies

They sometimes don't admit it though

WilburIsSomePig · 27/12/2016 13:01

I don't take the OP's mention of this woman's size as insulting, she is merely stating that this woman is not the sort of woman that her DP finds attractive. I don't see what the big deal is and I'm fat.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2016 13:08

And lots aren't Poole5

No-one here knows whether the OH is or isn't.

But I'd say the fact he's allowing the OP access to his text messages, shows he has nothing to hide.

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 27/12/2016 13:12

That's just what I thought Justanother.

Being a size 24 doesn't mean that a woman is unattractive. There's more to attraction than physical appearance.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 13:15

I was open about her being overweight to be blatant about why he personally does not fancy her - not to be horrible about her weight or anyone else's weight.

She is younger than me and has had several heart attack "scares" and has been told to lose weight.

The weight thing is not the issue at all.

OP posts:
Figure17a · 27/12/2016 13:16

I think you're protecting yourself you choosing to believe he can't fancy her because of her weight. If he's a halfway decent human being if he's attracted to her personality, not being his type physically wouldn't prevent anything.

I've no idea if he does fancy her - the behaviour does seem inappropriate but it takes two. It's just as likely to be his "fault" as hers.

ChuckSnowballs · 27/12/2016 13:18

Do you suspect that she is doing this to kind of get you back for finding out about her and the brother? A bit of projection? Like 'Oh Crowd, she even thinks me and Crowd's OH are shagging, she is obsessed with me? Kinda thing?

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 27/12/2016 13:18

Wilbur

OP could have just said "she isn't his type" (in my experience, most men don't really have a "type" - if a woman is attractive, she is attractive size, age, colour, facial features not withstanding),

To me it seemed judgemental mentioning her size.

user1471545174 · 27/12/2016 13:26

OP, ignoring the deflecting discussion about weight, did your OH respond to your question "how would you feel if"? Or was it just rhetorical?

YANBU to be irritated as there is some kind of agenda, even if it's an unconscious one. This woman likes to form overlapping emotional triangles, and it's all about her.

BIgBagofJelly · 27/12/2016 13:29

I would feel uncomfortable with it too. Even if he doesn't find her attractive he might still enjoy the attention he gets from her, particularly if he's picked up that she's interested in more than a platonic relationship. The emotional relationship does sound a bit inappropriate even if there won't ever be anything physical between them.

Crumbs1 · 27/12/2016 13:31

Irrespective of whether he finds her attractive, whether it is reasonable or anything else about their relationship, why are you marrying someone you don't trust?

Oysterbabe · 27/12/2016 13:32

How did it become apparent that you knew?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 13:32

I think he saw my point when I mentioned it. He isn't very good at seeing through people's agendas and takes people at face value. He gets on we with men and women but doesn't really see the games people play sometimes.

She has been a really good mate to him over the years and obviously when their have been any issues with me and OH her loyalties would lie with him which is fine as I have plenty of my own friends.

I do trust him totally I think I am irritated by it as it has increased recently as she has confided stuff to OH that she hasn't told her own DH.

I guess if she was a bloke it wouldn't bother me at all (OH isn't into men either).

OP posts: