Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about OH friend...?

81 replies

Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 10:36

Been with OH 7 years. Getting married this year both have kids from previous relationships.

Had issues a few years ago we are happy now and had counselling for a while. I consider us close and supportive of each other (trying not to drip feed).

OH has friends from his home town, he says the husband is his best friend although in reality it's the wife, which I have never had an issue with. They have been friends since school. She is also friends with OH DB. Last year I found out from OH that this friend slept with OH DB some time ago (at least 10 yrs ago) while she was married and so is OH DB (am friendly with his wife) both spouses are unaware of this.

When is came apparent that I knew this, OH friend and BIL both got extremely arsey and friends husband blocked me on FB (which I presume was her - worrying I would say something which I wouldn't - but I was uncomfortable to know what had gone on).

OH does not find friend attractive (she is a size 24 and OH not into larger ladies) but while he has been home for Xmas she has been texting him every evening and texting him about quite personal stuff which I think she should be discussing with her girlfriends or husband - (anxiety, problems with the pill/periods, issues with her OH etc) and I feel she has a soft spot for OH (and his brother) and I feel that what he sees as friendship is someone with a bit of an agenda in a stale relationship wanting male attention.

I mentioned it to OH last night that it made me uncomfortable and how would he feel if I was texting a heterosexual married bloke every day when we are both off work and spending time together.

Do I just continue to ignore as I trust OH and do not have any concerns from his perspective - AIBU to feel irritated and a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation?

OP posts:
tiej · 27/12/2016 13:37

OP, I'm fat and I'm not offended in the slightest. I don't need slim people being offended on my behalf either.

She's being inappropriate, and I wouldn't like that at all. He needs to discourage her.

ALittleMop · 27/12/2016 13:42

I think she still fancies your DH brother and it's somehow to do with that.
Do you think she slept with DH too?

If you think there is no sexual attraction between them, why do you have a problem with her divulging personal info (hardly passion stirring that kind of stuff)?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2016 13:54

(OH isn't into men either)

Well don't you sound lovely OP Hmm

Xmas Grin
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 14:02

I was just being clear as not wanting to come across as homophobic as well as sizeist ....

Xmas Smile
OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 14:07

I don't understand your angst OP. You said that you trust your husband, she is his friend not yours. You're adamant that he's not attracted to her, which is irrelevant anyway because you trust him... so what's the issue? Why do you need to be involved in a supervisory manner over the relationship that they have?

Her size really is a blue herring in this instance. If you trust him AND you know he's not attracted to her... what's the problem?

FlyingElbows · 27/12/2016 14:13

"I do trust him totally". No you don't. If you trusted him totally you wouldn't be discussing this non-issue here. You wouldn't feel the need to mention her physical stature because it wouldn't matter. You wouldn't care if he discussed "women's issues" with her or any other woman.

user1471545174 · 27/12/2016 14:15

You can't win, OP Xmas Grin

Irony is dead.

OrcinusOrca · 27/12/2016 14:29

People don't have to fancy each other to shag. Sometimes they're drunk. Sometimes they just want a fumble. Sometimes they get into a dodgy situation and go along with it. I'd expect your OH to close it down if it makes you uncomfortable and with the back story I'd want distance based on the info known.

MrsArthurShappey · 27/12/2016 14:32

'When it became apparent I knew' how did it become apparent?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 14:34

What's 'ironic' about this situation? I really don't see it. Confused

pregnantat50 · 27/12/2016 14:34

One comment relating to the size issue in the post. My Ex SIL was a size 18 and her DH told her he found her unattractive and to lose weight, he then had an affair with her size 26 best friend, he left my SIL and is now married to her. Be wary of comforting yourself that he wont like someone due to an aspect of their appearance.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 14:35

I thought she knew I knew and it turned out she didn't and I mentioned it in relation to her asking me why I thought BIL had deleted her from Facebook.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/12/2016 14:36

So basically you just don't want him to have any close female friends as youbsay you'd be ok if it was a guy.

I'd be looking into it more deeply in terms of why I had these issues with it, possibly insecurity is driving it , only you will know.

pregnantat50 · 27/12/2016 14:37

I do see why your annoyed though OP. This is your time together, you took holiday to be together after working all year, and now she is breaking into that time. I do understand that. An ex of mine, who I rarely saw as he lived miles away, when we finally got to spend time together he sat texting his friends, family all night...that pissed me off, as I thought he was there in person but not in mind

x

Tartyflette · 27/12/2016 15:00

So, is your OH completely comfortable with all the very personal info she is sharing?
it seems to me she very much wants him to see her as a sexually active (and desirable) woman.

WilburIsSomePig · 27/12/2016 15:10

OP could have just said "she isn't his type" (in my experience, most men don't really have a "type" - if a woman is attractive, she is attractive size, age, colour, facial features not withstanding)

And she'd said 'not his type' people would have asked her why not, I suspect.

You state that 'if a woman is attractive, she is attractive', but the attractiveness of someone is entirely subjective. I may think someone is, you may have a different opinion of the same person.

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/12/2016 15:11

Trusting your partner doesn't mean you have to accept someone else behaving inappropriately towards them. If your dp doesnt shut that down it signals it's ok when its not, and it gives a green light for the other person to escalate their behaviour if they are purposefully pushing boundaries. It's a slippery slope when you start regularly complaining about your partner to others, it's how many affairs start when both people in the.conversation start doing it and 'supporting' each other. I'd have a frank discussion about what topics make you uncomfortable and come up with ways for your dp to avoid those convos without causing offence, for example saying she should discuss her marital issues with her dh every time she complains and not respond any further, rinse and repeat until she gets the message.

I can't imagine a bigger turn off than discussing period problems though OP Grin. As long as your dp.is open and not worried about you seeing her eetxts to me that suggests there's nothing going on from his pov.

Lemon12345 · 27/12/2016 15:23

At the end of the day your feelings are just that, feelings. You can try to rationalise them but it takes a hell of a lot to overcome or change feelings.

TBH if I was in your situation I wouldn't be happy either. I'd find it very odd that over the Christmas period when they are both at home with their families they are spending so much time texting each other, and the very personal sections don't help either. But some of the details (periods) aren't exactly a turn on are they???
I suppose you have to ask yourself if it was a man texting and sharing such personal things would you have an issue with it? If not and you 100% trust your DH then is it really an issue? For me it would still be as I hate trying to spend time with someone who's constantly distracted. But if he's ignoring the messages until you aren't doing anything then IMO fair enough.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 15:34

Purple, so it would be fine for husband's MALE friend to discuss marital problems with him then? Just not this friend because she's a female?

My best friend is a man. The key is that he's someone I trust and, if I wanted to discuss periods with him, I could. I doubt that I would, as he's not exactly going to know what I'm talking about having never experienced it, but I could if I wanted to.

My other close friend is female - but a lesbian, oh my gosh! We're not attracted to each other and my husband trusts me around her, so that's ok then.

This thread seems sexist to me.

OP, jealousy/clingy-ness are really unattractive traits.

Helloitsme87 · 27/12/2016 15:42

Nothing wrong with staying about her weight. I wouldn't be attracted to a man who smokes, just as I wouldn't be attracted to a larger man who probably eats a lot of junk food.
I wouldn't be happy with the friendship either OP.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 15:47

Clingy? About someone who has form having already slept with OHs married brother?

OP posts:
IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 27/12/2016 16:00

It does sound quite irritating OP. I can see why you wouldn't particularly trust her motives seeing as she's already cheated on her husband in the past and with your DH's brother. Bit close for comfort and weird that she chooses to discuss quite personal issues with your OH rather than her own. Isn't that generally emotional affair territory?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 16:04

He doesn't discuss things with her that he doesn't discuss with me.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 16:06

But she didn't sleep with your husband, OP. It's your own husband who is your business and direct concern.

Or are you actually saying that this woman is some sort of femme fatale now and that your husband is vulnerable to her will, having none of this own?

What I think you are saying, quite clearly, is that you feel that you have the right to police his friendship with this woman. You've taken great care to disparage her physical appearance and state that your husband's preference is not for her 'type', but at the same time, you feel that she shouldn't be speaking to your husband about anything personal in her life as, regardless of the fact that she and he are friends, she is a WOMAN.

I know that some posters can see why you're prickly about the friendship but that, in my opinion, comes from lack of trust and lack of confidence in their partners.

Affairs do not always start from friendships; sometimes they do but not always. They do always start from two people who are willing to consent though. Your husband isn't so again, what is the problem?

pregnantat50 · 27/12/2016 16:07

can I ask OP is your DHs brother very similar to your DH in looks and personality

Swipe left for the next trending thread