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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about OH friend...?

81 replies

Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 10:36

Been with OH 7 years. Getting married this year both have kids from previous relationships.

Had issues a few years ago we are happy now and had counselling for a while. I consider us close and supportive of each other (trying not to drip feed).

OH has friends from his home town, he says the husband is his best friend although in reality it's the wife, which I have never had an issue with. They have been friends since school. She is also friends with OH DB. Last year I found out from OH that this friend slept with OH DB some time ago (at least 10 yrs ago) while she was married and so is OH DB (am friendly with his wife) both spouses are unaware of this.

When is came apparent that I knew this, OH friend and BIL both got extremely arsey and friends husband blocked me on FB (which I presume was her - worrying I would say something which I wouldn't - but I was uncomfortable to know what had gone on).

OH does not find friend attractive (she is a size 24 and OH not into larger ladies) but while he has been home for Xmas she has been texting him every evening and texting him about quite personal stuff which I think she should be discussing with her girlfriends or husband - (anxiety, problems with the pill/periods, issues with her OH etc) and I feel she has a soft spot for OH (and his brother) and I feel that what he sees as friendship is someone with a bit of an agenda in a stale relationship wanting male attention.

I mentioned it to OH last night that it made me uncomfortable and how would he feel if I was texting a heterosexual married bloke every day when we are both off work and spending time together.

Do I just continue to ignore as I trust OH and do not have any concerns from his perspective - AIBU to feel irritated and a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 16:09

Firstly - he's not my husband.

Secondly it has nothing to do with me trusting him - I just find it irritating that she spends time texting and talking to my partner about stuff she could discuss with her own family while he is home with us for a short period of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 16:10

No - they are very very different personalities.

DB is very charasmatic - borderline Sociaopath.

OP posts:
IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 27/12/2016 16:13

Yeah i would find that annoying too to be honest whether it was a female or male continuously making demands on his time. I think you misunderstood my comment previously I meant that it was strange that she was confiding very personal information in your OH rather than her own not that your partner was doing that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 16:16

Ok, Other-Half then.

Why CAN'T she discuss things with your Other-Half, bearing in mind they are friends? It could be said that all of us blethering on her could be discussing these things with the relevant friends/family but no - we choose to chat to random people we've never met.

If you are saying that he's not spending time with you/the family because the texting/talking is taking up that time then that is a different thing and yes, he needs to curtail that a bit. Most friendships pause a bit during Christmas/Easter/other family-time periods, so this one should too.

I agree with you on that. None of that was in your first or any subsequent posts though.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 16:16

Yeah - I agree Mangoes - I don't really discuss stuff like that with him! Grin

OP posts:
KathArtic · 27/12/2016 16:18

Sounds like she is enjoying manipulating the situation. It IS an inappropriate conversation to have with a man who is in a LTR.

Ignor the usual posts from people who find something to be shocked/unhappy/ist about.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 27/12/2016 16:21

Yeah exactly obviously not all men are the same but I wouldn't personally go to boyfriends/ male friends to talk about periods or issues with the pill! It's not like they can directly sympathise or relate Grin

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 27/12/2016 16:25

To be honest I understand what you are saying, and maybe its a tad immature but it would bother me too, just for the sheer amount of time invested in texting and conversations with someone else day in and out. I have friends and so does my DH, but when we are together it gets on my nerves no end if his phone is bleeping every two seconds all evening having a full blown conversation with someone else while I'm sat right in front of him being ignored! As far as that is concerned YANBU. Maybe the other issues just got muddled in along the way but that is the crux of what bothers you? x

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/12/2016 16:34

It's nothing to do with being sexist or the fact she's female. It's about keeping appropriate boundaries. Those boundaries will vary according to who the op is.

For some this contact may be fine, for others it's not and that's fine too. Can you honestly say that if your dp was constantly texting someone else everyevening and complaining about you to boot, you'd be ok with that though?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 16:36

He never moans about me to her - he says really nice things about me TBF.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 27/12/2016 16:38

Sometimes if you think someone fancies your OH or is even just looking for some flirting and attention from them, it doesn't matter whether said OH is interested or not. It's still annoying when you know someone would cheerfully screw you over.

My husband had an oversharing female friend early in our relationship who started out crying on his shoulder about her boyfriend and then eventually tried to kiss him on a night out. It's annoying when your OH maintains it's just a friendship when you from the outside know it isn't!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 16:40

Purple, I understand what you're saying. My view is perhaps different because I have a very close male friend (husband fine with this).

If my husband was texting somebody to complain about OUR marriage then I would have a problem with that, it's disrespectful. I thought, from the OP, that her partner's friend was talking about her own marriage. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

If my husband was texting all evening - or I was - then it would cause a problem. I don't do it, I'm busy myself and so is my friend and we have a natural sense of family-time and respect that.

BoiledSprouts · 27/12/2016 16:40

I talk about those kinds of things with my male best friend all the time. I don't see it as inappropriate.

The OP said her husband and the woman are best friends and have been friends since school. If they were going to sleep together it probably would have happened years ago.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 16:42

PNGirl, even the most attractive woman in the world cannot divert a man who is faithful, he has to want to be diverted.

If a woman tried to kiss a man who wasn't willing, she'd be put in her place immediately and any friendship halted, no?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 16:43

One of my best friends is a bloke but he is gay - so IMO that's a bit different - and I don't talk about my sex life with him Grin

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 27/12/2016 16:43

It clearly IS an issue that he has a close female friend, and you clearly are jealous and threatened.

I would sort out your trust issues before the wedding. And it is your issue, not his.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 27/12/2016 16:47

I have never had a issue with him having a close female friend - it's what PNgirl said.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 27/12/2016 16:47

Yes, which is what happened, but it's irritating to be told by everyone for months prior to the event that said woman just wants to be friends and has no interest in pursuing your OH.

These things also often "magically" happen when the bloke is entering an LTR or about to get married. My first boyfriend broke up with me because his female best friend decided she had feelings for him when she found out I existed. Two weeks later she changed her mind.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 17:11

PNGirl, that must have been very upsetting for you. I maintain though that, had your boyfriend at the time really been committed to you, his female friend could have stripped off naked and thrown herself at him - and he wouldn't have been interested in her.

He could and should have just said, "What are you playing at? I'm with PNGirl and I'm not interested in you". That's all it needed and she would have been crushed and not pursued him further. She sounds very insecure in herself.

PNGirl · 27/12/2016 17:16

Which is what happened, I repeat. He left, came home and they didn't speak again.

Again, my point is that it's not nice when a friend of your OH has so little respect for you as their partner. I knew this woman was gearing up to make her move because the contact increased, and everyone said I was paranoid. I was not, I was just correct. It's also annoying that she clearly though I wouldn't notice what she was up to!

PNGirl · 27/12/2016 17:18

(To be clear, the first man I mentioned who got hit on by his friend I am now married to. The "first boyfriend" I mentioned is a different person)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2016 17:19

I'm missing something - you said he broke up with you. Did you take him back?

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2016 17:22

To be honest, I wouldn't have a problem at all about my DH having a friend of the opposite sex. However, if I found out the 'friend' had been a cheat in the past, I would certainly make sure the friendship ended. I would hope my DH would not encourage a friendship with someone who obviously has no moral compass.

PNGirl · 27/12/2016 17:25

See above - first boyfriend with the female friend who developed "feelings" was when we were 16. She didn't really though, she just didn't want to share him.

Now-husband with the "help my boyfriend is mean to me" night-out kisser was when I was 20. He ended the friendship - this was like 12 years ago.

AliceInUnderpants · 27/12/2016 17:26

I would be worried if I were you OP. It's my mission in life to bed a man then sleep with his brother ten years later. I think it's a 'larger ladies' thing Wink

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