to actually be quite hurt by this. ( bit long)

[kansasmum]

Please be gentle I'm feeling a bit hurt!!
Adult Dd married with toddler dgs whom I obviously love to bits. Dd, her dh and dgs came for Xmas yesterday. On the whole lovely day, no rows, lots of laughs, couple of niggles( I didn't get much help with lunch or clearing up but no biggie).
They came over again today and we also had my mum who is old, often difficult and sometimes mean but was fine today.
Dd made no effort with my mum despite receiving a generous cheque for Xmas. I know my mum is often not nice ( although that's to me not Dd) but thought Dd could display simple good manners. I had to ask/tell her to put her phone away at the lunch table. She kept letting dgs run around expecting other people to watch him.
But minor stuff I guess. However my mum brought up a tax bill she has to pay in January. Me and my sister do most of mum's finances including her tax return as she can no longer manage. My mum is very well off but clueless with managing money, avoiding tax via ISA's etc- my dad always managed the money- generational thing. Dd and her Dd don't earn masses and struggle a bit financially like many young couples.
Dd has developed a rather entitled attitude recently and it came to a head today over an old issue that she feels ( wrongly )aggrieved about. Too complex to explain but basically thinks she should have got some money from the proceeds of the sale of mum's car when we had to sell it last year.
She got very huffy when I disagreed with her over this old money issue and said to me " well I'm going to put dgs in childcare ( I look after him while she works and love doing this) because you don't do what I want with dgs and make me feel I owe you something". I can honestly say I do things her way even if I disagree, I really do. He's her child.
I asked her if she'd like to take some of the desserts with her- she said "yes I'm taking all the ones we brought and all the crisps we brought". They packed up and left.
I'm really hurt that she's said she's putting dgs in childcare.
She seems very entitled and thinks everyone should just give her what she wants. She's an adult and surely should stand in her own 2 feet. We have helped them out loads both financially and practically.
I feel really hurt and disappointed by her behaviour as this is not how I raised her. She seems to have become very manipulative and entitled.
So AIBU by feeling hurt by her comment about putting dgs in daycare etc?

I suspect it's really quite simple: dh and I are now at that stage of life ( we are almost 50 so young gps) where we are comfortably off, travel, have nice house etc. Dd has had a very nice life growing up, lot of travel, lived overseas, fabulous opportunities etc

Blimey, you are very young to be comfortably off and to have given your daughter a very nice life/travel etc-it doesn't sound like you were piss poor for long.

She's being rude but I expect she'd hoped to be getting a bit of a break and wondering why you didn't use your own money to pay your expensive bill.

She wasn't nice but I can kind of see why she was pissed off about the car sale proceeds.

Sounds like she reverts to child mode when with you, absolving all responsibility and takes you for granted. Not helping with dinner or clearing up, not watching over her son, sitting on her phone, expecting money for nothing and having a huff when she doesn't get her own way. And now she has the ultimate weapon, her son!
Treat her like the adult that she is, childcare can be good for her DS, so if that is what she wants then don't offer to help pay, let her know you won't be emotionally blackmailed. We can sometimes be too available for our children.
It works both ways, I confess I sometimes forget my daughter is an adult and revert to mother mode thinking I know best and sometimes she lies on my sofa like a teenager. We have a pact that we tell each other, when I'm interfering and when she is taking liberties.

PS I meant to say that if you had led her to believe that she would receive money and then changed your mind, without discussion, then that is treating her like a child IMO. Whatever the rights, wrongs of giving, receiving money.

I pay 2k per month for childcare and would be insanely grateful for help like you give.

My in-laws live too far away to help with childcare, although I think they would if they could. As it is, they send us photos of the holidays they go on every two months, because FiL thinks it winds us up. And I guess it does a bit! When they were young they did struggle financially at times but MiL didn't work and had her own mother down the road helping her out too. Nothing like getting several photos a day of people sitting around drinking when you're flat out at work.

YANBU, about any of it. You provide your daughter with enormous benefit in kind, and your own mother, who I think you probably spend quite a bit of time supporting, despite some meanness in return, offered you the money. Your daughter gets a lot of help from you and a generous Christmas gift from her grandmother. Why should she get everything?

Nanna50
It want the op who offered proceeds from the car sale, it was the confused, hospitalised elderly grandmother,.

OP, you seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place, but step back and make changes.

The dynamics here are flawed. Your sil, taking money for doing you a simple favour, is very wrong, but very telling: family members shouldn't do this.

Your DD, as so many young people, is struggling financially. You're right, she still wants the champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget. This is, I think, chewing herself up inside. She resents your comfortable lifestyle, and is used to you bailing her out. Her only weapon against you, because she can't match you financially, is to lash out, as she did, and withdraw your generous childcare.

She's doing this to 'punish' you for not giving her the money she feels she was promised. Deep down she knows that the childcare you provide will cost her a fortune elsewhere, so she's squared this with herself by telling herself that because you naturally love dgc, you see it as a pleasure, not a chore.

She has now backed herself in a corner; she knows she's reliant on your free childcare, but her pride will make her defensive.

I would do nothing. I would leave the ball in her court. At some point she will have to apologise and either ask you to continue childcare, or she will make her own arrangements, driven by her pride. If she takes the latter option, it will cripple them financially, so don't be surprised if she asks you to contribute financially. If so, refuse. Then have an open, calm discussion about finances, what you are prepared to do, if anything, what you expect in return, which is respect as a minimum.

This is an opportunity to, once wounds are licked, clear the air and start afresh. You need to fully understand how stressful being constantly short of money is for them, and forget about how you struggled. She needs to grow up, live within her means, let go of resentment, and be truly grateful for what she has had from you.

Tell her calmly that you are hurt and listen calmly to her side. Then put it aside, set up new boundaries, and move on. It will work, or it won't. But if it doesn't, at least you can look back and say you handled it fairly.

Good luck.

Have you heard from her?