to actually be quite hurt by this. ( bit long)

[kansasmum]

Please be gentle I'm feeling a bit hurt!!
Adult Dd married with toddler dgs whom I obviously love to bits. Dd, her dh and dgs came for Xmas yesterday. On the whole lovely day, no rows, lots of laughs, couple of niggles( I didn't get much help with lunch or clearing up but no biggie).
They came over again today and we also had my mum who is old, often difficult and sometimes mean but was fine today.
Dd made no effort with my mum despite receiving a generous cheque for Xmas. I know my mum is often not nice ( although that's to me not Dd) but thought Dd could display simple good manners. I had to ask/tell her to put her phone away at the lunch table. She kept letting dgs run around expecting other people to watch him.
But minor stuff I guess. However my mum brought up a tax bill she has to pay in January. Me and my sister do most of mum's finances including her tax return as she can no longer manage. My mum is very well off but clueless with managing money, avoiding tax via ISA's etc- my dad always managed the money- generational thing. Dd and her Dd don't earn masses and struggle a bit financially like many young couples.
Dd has developed a rather entitled attitude recently and it came to a head today over an old issue that she feels ( wrongly )aggrieved about. Too complex to explain but basically thinks she should have got some money from the proceeds of the sale of mum's car when we had to sell it last year.
She got very huffy when I disagreed with her over this old money issue and said to me " well I'm going to put dgs in childcare ( I look after him while she works and love doing this) because you don't do what I want with dgs and make me feel I owe you something". I can honestly say I do things her way even if I disagree, I really do. He's her child.
I asked her if she'd like to take some of the desserts with her- she said "yes I'm taking all the ones we brought and all the crisps we brought". They packed up and left.
I'm really hurt that she's said she's putting dgs in childcare.
She seems very entitled and thinks everyone should just give her what she wants. She's an adult and surely should stand in her own 2 feet. We have helped them out loads both financially and practically.
I feel really hurt and disappointed by her behaviour as this is not how I raised her. She seems to have become very manipulative and entitled.
So AIBU by feeling hurt by her comment about putting dgs in daycare etc?

well I wished my mum did my childcare and dog walking - that would have saved me £200 a month dog walking fees and £340 in childcare.

I would help her look for a childminder... AND a dog walker. Real life might help her along with her sense of entitlement.

I think our GC often think we are better off than we are because we help them out financially. Although on the outside things look great that does not mean that after a lifetime working, scrimping and saving when the DC are young to give them a better childhood than we had, we have money to burn. Holidays are often discounted out of season deals etc. Rather than the helping hand we extend being appreciatively received as a windfall, they often come to expect a regular handout as an entitlement and the lack of them as meanness on the part of their Parents.
Irrespective of how your daughter feels OP there is a minimum standard of respect and manners owed to family members. Your DDs outburst was childish and she was cutting off her nose to spite her face.

I've seen a lot of similar resentment and entitlement from my SS1 & SDIL. She's a little older than the OPs did. We sold our house and moved away to buy somewhere cheaper and thus eliminate or at least reduce our mortgage significantly enough so we can maybe think about retiring sometime before we are 90. Ok that's exaggeration for effect perhaps, but we're not hugely well off and just want to ensure a comfortable old age without having to rely on benefits or our dc to help out. SSS1 and SDIL thought we should give a chunk of the equity we realised when we sold to them for a house deposit and were very angry when we told them no. Cue no gc contact for a while until they needed a handout. We have 4 dc between us, we got a little more than expected in the sale and did give each of them a fairly substantial cheque at the time, never had a thank you from SS1 and SDIL for that.

Midnightcow that's crazy! I would never expect money like that.

You are all way more generous than any parents I know

Send her the rates for a dog walker and childcare in her area, though I'd let her stew for a few days, don't contact her. She is spoils and entitled no needs to take a step back and realise how much you're saving her on these two things.

I don't think the grandma promised cash to the graduated, rather to her two daughters?

you sound like a lovely lovely lady. You deserve an apology for that behaviour. Perhaps there are financial issues at the heart of this but you are so right not to accept being treated as a doormat as once you start down that road there is no way back and it just gets worse. Keep calm but remain resolute. Don't be blackmailed or manipulated. x

Another one gob smacked at DSIL accepting cash for assembling some furniture.

You provide childcare & pet care!!

In 17 years never has my DH accepted money off my parents for the gardening work he does for them. Never.

Santas, it really isn't as clear cut as you suggest. A confused, ill elderly woman talking about possibly splitting money between her grandchildren is not the same as someone making a very clear decision to give money to them. And what you are leaving out of account is the fact that OP has saved her daughter thousands in childcare and dog walking costs.

I wonder if your dd is resentful of how much tougher financially her generation has it over yours.

The money thing with the car sounds a bit grabby from you ..

She's decided you looking after her child isn't working for her so she's going to put him into childcare. I can understand why you'd be upset by that but she's not BU to do that.

And she's upset about you keeping some money that she'd been told she would get. I can understand her PoV on that too, especially if she's skint and you are comfortable.

All the other stuff sounds a bit subjective. Taking home some food she brought and looking at her phone are hardly crimes of the century.

Agree with pp, it doesn't sound like you like her much. Otherwise why start this thread? It sounds like you just want people to join you in slagging her off, rather than look for a solution.

As a woman in my 30's who's DM cares for both my DSs while I work... your Dd is being an absolute fucking spoiled twat! She will need you before you need her. Give her a cooling for a few days and watch her come back to you! Silly girl! I'd slap her if she were my sister!!

I hope you don't think that your dgs would be unhappy in a nursery. They usually have great fun playing with the other children.

You are comfortable. She's skint. She was told she was getting some cash. Then it went to you. She's hugely disappointed.

Perhaps she is a bit entitled re childcare but I bet you've been at pains to stress how much you love doing it and how fine you are with it, up until this point?

It's all unfortunate but the bottom line is, she's really struggling with money and renting. Sure you had it hard when you were young with a baby but things are completely different for young people now - a thousand times harder than you had it.

Don't be too harsh with her.

She sounds very unreasonable about the childcare but I can see why she was miffed if she was told she was getting a bit of money but then you took it to buy a new heater. Your post said that you were comfortable and could afford holidays abroad etc, why would you not buy a boiler out of your money and then give her the grandma's money to help her out? I feel that there's a back story to this.

Sure you had it hard when you were young with a baby but things are completely different for young people now - a thousand times harder than you had it

I've lived outside the UK for many years, but when I was young and working in London I had to work six days a week and only had one meal a day in order to save up for our tickets to immigrate to Canada. Is life really a thousand times harder nowadays?

Back off for a bit and let her realise that she's made a stupid threat with the childcare. Then don't let her get away with as much. Sounds quite Denise Royle!

I am 50 but I think young people do have it hard now. How horrid for the DD to have to go to work and miss out on so much while her mum has fun looking after her child. And how must she feel being skint but expecting to get a windfall, then her comfortably off mother ends up keeping it.

You do sound nice OP, but maybe try looking at things from your daughters perspective.

sortthetacheoutbernard - I wonder if your dd is resentful of how much tougher financially her generation has it over yours.

The OP already explained she was piss poor when she was at her DD's stage. The DD is just very rude, inconsiderate and entitled.

Why don't you tell her what you've told us? Grab her whilst her DH is away for a frank chat and explain why you feel she's being unreasonable.

Good God, I've just realised you are not even 50, yet, OP. You can't have been piss poor for long!! How come you have so much free time to look after your grandchild, but can still afford nice holidays? Did you win the lottery? Or sell up a colossally successful business that you built up in a short space of time? Or get help from your wealthy parents?

I think your dd is jealous of your life, OP. It does sound Ike a rather nice life.

She ought also to recognise, though, that she is lucky to have you so available to help out.

Id like a mum like you. Mine makes no effort amd my mil is a bitch. Your daughter does not know she is born and im sure she will do a huge uturn on the childcare arrangements....if only (sadly) when she sees just how expensive it will be!

You can't win, really, OP. If you worked full time, you would be less available physically and emotionally and possibly no more generous with your money, so she would have that to feel a bit resentful about. I think, maybe, it was your tone in the argument about the money that set her off, if you normally have a good relationship - maybe an implication on your part that you do a lot for her for no return, when in fact you clearly get huge returns from looking after your dgs, as you sound most upset at the thought of not getting to look after him while your dd is working. Trying to hold all you do against someone by pretending it's all one sided and a sacrifice made out of the goodness of your heart is a little bit aggravating, so likely to provoke an equally childish response. Both you and your dd have a lot of advantages many others do not have.

I have children who are 25 and 16 and they can emotionally wound you terribly - but put things back to normal eventually - because, ultimately, you are their mum. No one can take that away or take your place. Young people can be thoughtless, I think, because they haven't fully worked out everything they think and haven't matured yet.

Take a deep breath - but tell her how you feel. If you are just doing your best then she needs to apologise. However, I do know that you have to try to be the bigger person until they come round. Not too much though. It has got to be give or take or it is not a true friendship and when they are adults - that is part of it. It is best to get on as two adults as well as mother and daughter. That shows them respect too.