to actually be quite hurt by this. ( bit long)

[kansasmum]

Please be gentle I'm feeling a bit hurt!!
Adult Dd married with toddler dgs whom I obviously love to bits. Dd, her dh and dgs came for Xmas yesterday. On the whole lovely day, no rows, lots of laughs, couple of niggles( I didn't get much help with lunch or clearing up but no biggie).
They came over again today and we also had my mum who is old, often difficult and sometimes mean but was fine today.
Dd made no effort with my mum despite receiving a generous cheque for Xmas. I know my mum is often not nice ( although that's to me not Dd) but thought Dd could display simple good manners. I had to ask/tell her to put her phone away at the lunch table. She kept letting dgs run around expecting other people to watch him.
But minor stuff I guess. However my mum brought up a tax bill she has to pay in January. Me and my sister do most of mum's finances including her tax return as she can no longer manage. My mum is very well off but clueless with managing money, avoiding tax via ISA's etc- my dad always managed the money- generational thing. Dd and her Dd don't earn masses and struggle a bit financially like many young couples.
Dd has developed a rather entitled attitude recently and it came to a head today over an old issue that she feels ( wrongly )aggrieved about. Too complex to explain but basically thinks she should have got some money from the proceeds of the sale of mum's car when we had to sell it last year.
She got very huffy when I disagreed with her over this old money issue and said to me " well I'm going to put dgs in childcare ( I look after him while she works and love doing this) because you don't do what I want with dgs and make me feel I owe you something". I can honestly say I do things her way even if I disagree, I really do. He's her child.
I asked her if she'd like to take some of the desserts with her- she said "yes I'm taking all the ones we brought and all the crisps we brought". They packed up and left.
I'm really hurt that she's said she's putting dgs in childcare.
She seems very entitled and thinks everyone should just give her what she wants. She's an adult and surely should stand in her own 2 feet. We have helped them out loads both financially and practically.
I feel really hurt and disappointed by her behaviour as this is not how I raised her. She seems to have become very manipulative and entitled.
So AIBU by feeling hurt by her comment about putting dgs in daycare etc?

Her dh is lovely. He will help us out with stuff if he can, if we need him, although Dd seems to resent this sometimes.
For example: Dh is totally shite at DIY,self assembly stuff etc whereas son in law is ace! So son in law assembled our ds's Xmas present for a bit of cash! He's happy' dh is ecstatic!!! Win win!
Her behaviour is not coming from pressure from him, that I'm sure of.

I suspect it's really quite simple: dh and I are now at that stage of life ( we are almost 50 so young gps) where we are comfortably off, travel, have nice house etc. Dd has had a very nice life growing up, lot of travel, lived overseas, fabulous opportunities etc. Chose not to go to Uni but did apprenticeship. All good, got a job etc. Both dh and her have decent jobs although neither earns great money and they rent a decent 2 bed house. They are a bit skint but get by fine. Like thousands of other young couples! But she wants her childhood lifestyle but can't afford it. Champagne lifestyle- lemonade budget.
Dh and I were piss poor when she was a baby so been there done that!
Encouraged dcs to work to earn cash since teens and she's always been hardworking etc.
I think she just want us to fund the lifestyle she wants but can't afford. Tough!!!!

There's always a hidden reason behind this sort of behaviour isn't there? Your daughter is not behaving well, and she probably knows this. I think it would be sensible to leave it a little while as you've said, then sit down for a chat with her. Tell her that you felt hurt by what she said, then ask her if there's any reason for her to behave like this. How do you think she'd react to this?

I think this can be an issue. That younger people look at what older people have and want the same which is fair enough. They forget that most of us were piss poor when starting out.

I have the same problem with my brother. I left home, got married and had kids first. Now mine are older and we don't need childcare and slowly progressing at work we are better off. He has just only had kids and had 3 close together. He seems to have forgotten that we were skint when our kids were young like he is now.

I know people like this at work. Who assume I have always had well paid jobs, always had decent money. Usually younger people who are just starting out in their career and don't realise I was once in their shoes.

Kansasmum are you me? Just feeling sad about the entitled behaviour from my 22 year old. I think you have hit it on the head with your last post. We had our children relatively late and were a little better off than most parents so treated them to fab holiday lots of nice activities etc. However now I am reaping the rewards with her entitled behaviour.
Like your dd she had a heafty cheque from grandparents but didnt even say thank you, just took it as her right.
I will read the whole thread and try and try and learn.

Agree with Oooh, don't be manipulated by your daughter. Accept her decision and get on with whatever plans you have. I don't think it will be long before she changes her mind again when she realises that snapping her fingers at you doesn't work. If it were me, I'd leave her to it for a bit.

You don't sound like you like her much to be honest.

What utter nonsense. I can't see anything in the OP to suggest that the OP 'doesn't like' her daughter. I really cannot understand why anyone would think the daughter's attitude and behaviour is fine and the OP is at fault.

Not helping with the cooking or clearing up were the first two big red flags to me. I didnt bother reading further. She sounds selfish.

Your son in law assembled a xmas present for you for 'a bit of cash'?

And yet you provide them with free childcare?

Can you see what's wrong with this picture, they see you as a cash cow, this relationship is not give and take.

Fairyliz- our dd's are similar age. We have a much younger ds too. Whilst nice to know I'm not alone, I'm sorry you're experiencing this too.

Yes I realise some of this is our own fault. In fact dh is a bigger softie than me but we've both realised its not in anyone's best interests to help out financially etc!
Son in law didn't expect the cash, it was a thank you after he spent 3 hours assembling ds's present.

She won't put her DS in childcare, she's just saying it to show she has some sort of control. She doesn't want to pay for childcare.

You have upset her in some way. She not going to apologise for her behaviour.

I think you should make yourself unavailable for childcare for a while, let them realise how lucky they are. Many women your age have young children themselves and are struggling financially, working all hours and trying to arrange childcare for their own dc! The fact she has someone so young and capable who is available to look after her DS is an extraordinary stroke of luck for your DD. She is totally taking it for granted. Make sure she realises that it is not something she can use to blackmail and manipulate you. You are doing her a favour and not the other way round.

By offering son in law cash though you are reinforcing the fact that you always give and they always take...

Just speak- yes I do see your point. I suppose I've always just seen it as helping them out. But it does seem to be take take take from Dd more these days so think some tough love might be required.

Why does she feel entitled to money from the car sale?

Why does she think she should have been given some of the money from the sale of the car??

Could she be pregnant? Not excusing her rudeness and laziness (my dd of similar age can be like this too if not nudged appropriately!) but maybe she is feeling rough but didn't want to let on? Just a thought.
I'm sure she'll regret what she said if you stick to your guns and ask over the next few days what childcare she has sorted as you are making other plans for those days now you're not needed..

Well, who knows what the story is but I wouldnt be too impressed if i had someone telling me to put my phone away (maybe she feels like you treat her like a little girl when she goes back to your house?)

Maybe she has reason to not want to bother with her grandmother who you say isn't a very nice person.

But she still expects grandmothers money?

When did dogs become involved in this? Anyway, yes, call her bluff, don't respond emotionally, and see what she does next. I'll bet she won't put her DS in childcare. Perhaps her GM is mean and perhaps she didn't like being told to put her phone away-neither of those things should be reason to behave like a spoilt entitled madam. Step back.

I think she's trying to establish who has the upper hand. Just ignore it. Carry on as usual. Chances are you'll find you have dgs when they go back to work. I wouldn't engage in a row over it. Essentially you are doing her a favour, one she can take or leave. Whether you wish to see dgs in childcare is neither here nor there as you say he's their child. But chances are she'd rather have him with you anyway.

So son in law assembled our ds's Xmas present for a bit of cash! He's happy' dh is ecstatic!!! Win win!

He took money from you for this? Incredible.

hot but would you also be rude enough to spend your time on your phone whilst having a family dinner?
And ignore another family member who, whilst difficult sometimes, is also very generous towards you?

It's the threat about ds and the sulking over the car sale money that stand out. My dc are both in ft nursery and it's so much worse than one caring person looking after them. I'd be tempted to ask her why she is stressed, as it sounds like something has set her off, doesn't excuse her threatening you over ds's care though, surely at some point you learn not to make idle threats.

I think she felt entitled to money from the car because in one conversation my mum talked about splitting the money between the grandchildren, however my mum was in hospital at the time and often got confused. Selling the car was a necessity as her licence had been revoked. When we sold it and got the money through from the sale mum wanted my sister and I to split the money equally. Dd thought I should give her some but we needed a new oil fired boiler (£5k) so she didn't get it. This happened 18 months ago but she obviously resents it still. I understand she was disappointed but the money was never promised to her.

For those asking about the dogs- my Dd has 2 dogs who I have at my house on the days she works along with my grandson!