to actually be quite hurt by this. ( bit long)

[kansasmum]

Please be gentle I'm feeling a bit hurt!!
Adult Dd married with toddler dgs whom I obviously love to bits. Dd, her dh and dgs came for Xmas yesterday. On the whole lovely day, no rows, lots of laughs, couple of niggles( I didn't get much help with lunch or clearing up but no biggie).
They came over again today and we also had my mum who is old, often difficult and sometimes mean but was fine today.
Dd made no effort with my mum despite receiving a generous cheque for Xmas. I know my mum is often not nice ( although that's to me not Dd) but thought Dd could display simple good manners. I had to ask/tell her to put her phone away at the lunch table. She kept letting dgs run around expecting other people to watch him.
But minor stuff I guess. However my mum brought up a tax bill she has to pay in January. Me and my sister do most of mum's finances including her tax return as she can no longer manage. My mum is very well off but clueless with managing money, avoiding tax via ISA's etc- my dad always managed the money- generational thing. Dd and her Dd don't earn masses and struggle a bit financially like many young couples.
Dd has developed a rather entitled attitude recently and it came to a head today over an old issue that she feels ( wrongly )aggrieved about. Too complex to explain but basically thinks she should have got some money from the proceeds of the sale of mum's car when we had to sell it last year.
She got very huffy when I disagreed with her over this old money issue and said to me " well I'm going to put dgs in childcare ( I look after him while she works and love doing this) because you don't do what I want with dgs and make me feel I owe you something". I can honestly say I do things her way even if I disagree, I really do. He's her child.
I asked her if she'd like to take some of the desserts with her- she said "yes I'm taking all the ones we brought and all the crisps we brought". They packed up and left.
I'm really hurt that she's said she's putting dgs in childcare.
She seems very entitled and thinks everyone should just give her what she wants. She's an adult and surely should stand in her own 2 feet. We have helped them out loads both financially and practically.
I feel really hurt and disappointed by her behaviour as this is not how I raised her. She seems to have become very manipulative and entitled.
So AIBU by feeling hurt by her comment about putting dgs in daycare etc?

Sounds a spoilt nasty cow to me.

She sounds entitled. Offer to visit some nurseries/childminders with her to find a suitable one. If she's strapped for cash now she'll be really stuck when paying childcare and dog care. We pay £200 a week childcare and £75 a week daycare for our one dog. Sounds like she's taking you for granted so don't make yourself so available to her. I hope she wakes up to her behaviour, she sounds very young.

So you kept the money from the sale of the car? Why did you not give it back to your mother, as it was her car and therefore her money? If it was because of a conversation you had with your mother, then you are as bad as your dd, surely? Or did your mother go to a solicitor and have her gift to you put officially in writing?

She's bitter that's for sure.
She's probably bitter because you get to spend time with her child that she can't when she's working. You may have unwittingly told her something about her child which was something she wasn't aware of
, some milestone or missed moment, and she's angry you knew and not her and is now threatening you with removing him from your care as a jealous reaction. She probably feels you have the upper hand, which she has more or less admitted, and wants to even the score so you don't have that power dynamic.
So yes, she probably doesn't want you minding him, but it's unlikely, once she sees her new quote, that paid childcare will appeal. This will increase resentment and make her feel even more trapped.
I'm just trying to see it from her side although she does sound entitled and split too.
I'd try to clear the air, and maybe compromise on 2 says a week or half the time you currently do. Let her decide but let her know childminding is rewarding yes, but you are doing her a favour. Some people do think it's an honour to mind their precious child.

You provide free childcare and dog walking week in week out and you offered to pay them to do a favour in return (building something) And the money was taken? I'm simply gobsmacked by that.

My mother transferred the money from the sale of her car to my sister and myself. She organised it and said that's what she wanted to do. She was recovered and out of hospital and definitely not confused by this point. I don't think she felt a lawyer was necessary to transfer a couple of grand to me and my sister.

I think you are wise not to call her. Let her stew for a few days. She does need a pulling up on her behaviour from what you've written and your quiet response to the attempted emotional blackmail over your gs will maybe make her think. You sound like a lovely mum, OP, I think your dd has a little more growing up to do, enabling her by giving in to entitled behaviour isn't the way to facilitate that. Hope it all works out soon.

I am sorry you are going through this OP. But I do not think you are being fair! Your daughter was told by her grandma she was getting this money and you are painting her out to be acting entitled - but she was TOLD SHE WAS GETTING IT

From what you say, your daughter is skint, but you yourself are fairly well off - ''comfortably off, travel and have a nice house'' I think you put it

Your daughter was promised this money and by your own account she is skint, so she probably NEEDED IT and spent it in her head on a necessity that she couldn't afford

However you yourself who is in your words ''comfortably off'' and her, again in your words ''skint'' - but you needed a boiler, fair enough, but being comfortably off seems that 5K really is not a life changing amount of money to YOU. Did you really have no other way of paying for the boiler, no buffer money at all, considering you call yourself ''comfortably off''?

I doubt it

I think you have shafted your daughter

It is like waving a macdonalds in the face of a starving person , and then eating it yourself, despite having a packed lunch in your bag - that feels like the equivalent of what you have done

However if I were you I would not do free childcare anymore, as it does seem you are being took for a mug there - but this is all one one big round of resentment including you and her nan and she will feel you are against her so wants to make you feel as shitty as you have made her feel - so you need to be aware from where this feeling has come from - from YOU op, from you!

Sorry if my post sounds harsh, but you do ask, and it seems that you have set this thread up so people will have a right good old moan about your daughter, but to be fair, if someone told you that you could expect a windfall, and then kept it themselves despite not actualy NEEDING it, it would piss you off, no?

If the dd was that upset about the money, she would have used the OP as free childcare for the 18 months.

I guess she felt her conversation with her grandmother was of more import than the confused ramblings of an ill woman. It does sound as though your mother's final intentions were clear, though, in giving the money to you.

If you are only in your 50s, but have the capacity to look after her child for her, so presumably are not working full time yourself, she may be feeling a bit bitter that you are able to do what she would like to be doing - looking after her child - and she doesn't foresee for herself a time when she will ever be able to look after her own grandchildren rather than continue to work full time into old age? I.e. She feels she will forever miss out on what you now enjoy. Whatever, it doesn't sound fair that she behaved as she did towards you at Christmas, when you obviously do love her and do a lot for her.

oh my days, that's a bit harsh, santasjocktramp

Hi, OP - sorry you had a stressful boxing day. You're not being unreasonable; she sounds like she's being incredibly selfish.

However, is there something else going on here? Do you think that what's behind this is something that her DH has said to her about money? If they're struggling and things kicked off after the tax issue came up, did it hit a sore spot somehow? Is her DH feeling fragile about needing your help financially (by providing free childcare etc)?

It might be worth waiting a few days and then calling her and telling her calmly you were very hurt by what she said, and see how she responds.

In your words Scooby - It seems she HAS ''used'' the OP for free childcare

However it is a shame that the words 'free childcare' are even coming into it from someone who apparently enjoys looking after their grandchild. You cannot use the terms 'enjoy spending time with my grandchild' and then call it 'free childcare'

Its either one or the other

Let her. Childcare costs are crazy and if she's going to be so bratty just let her get on with it (said as someone with a toddler who's looked after in part by my own dm and dmil!) I wouldn't dream of threatening either of them with that, looking after my child is a huge favour to dh and I and not something I take for granted. Let her throw the dummy out of the pram and realise those actions have consequences. It won't last!

I don't mean it to be auntilin however the OP seems to want to understand why the daughter is feeling upset, I was trying to provide an insight into why that might be . I could be wrong after all I don't knw Ops daughter

I know if I was promised a few grand when I was skint and my mother kept it, yes I would not be impressed either, especially if my mother was well off and I was skint raising a child.

You cannot use the terms 'enjoy spending time with my grandchild' and then call it 'free childcare'

Of course you can. Op enjoys looking after her ds, while the dd and her husband benefit from having free childcare. Both can be used

It is, however, a little bit of a cheek to talk about someone standing on their own two feet when you accept gifts from your mother and claim both to be comfortably off and able to travel, and in need of the money for a new boiler at the same time.

So son in law assembled our ds's Xmas present for a bit of cash!

Wow. Do families do this? Mine don't. Families help each other for the sake of helping surely?

Your daughter sounds very entitled. I would wait for her to realise she needs you more than you need her and tell her you can't look after you gc or dogs anymore.

Exactly what I am thinking

It doesn't seem to add up

It is incredibly hard to imagine when you are finding life hard that things improve as you get older.

I think she probably doesn't want to hear about money from either of you, however she she should be grateful for the help with the childcare.

I found it sold difficult and still do listening to my mum go on about her 3 cruises a year, not sure we will ever have the lifestyle she had. Life is very different now and more expensive, harder to move up the ladder. Maybe avoid talking about money around her.

Out of interest-if the money had been split between the grandchildren, how much would your daughter have received? As much as the generous cheque your mum gave her for Christmas?