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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DM got more presents for SIL's child than for her own GC?

39 replies

eatsleepfeedrepeat · 25/12/2016 23:01

Had Christmas celebration with DH's side of the family last week, which my DM was invited to by my sister in law. Me and SIL both have same aged DC. Mum bought a surprisingly generous number of gifts for SIL's DC, but I didnt really think much about it. Roll on today and my own DC have received half as much, despite being her own grandchildren! Have tried to brush it off as she is a very affectionate grandmother, but I can't help feel hurt that she bought more for a child she probably meets at one or two family events a year. But I know it's her money to spend as she wishes, and although we don't go overboard it's not as if my DC have no toys.

So, am I being unreasonable to feel hurt? If not, should I mention it? And if I am being, how can I get over it? Feeling stupidly teary.

OP posts:
EZA15 · 25/12/2016 23:06

Could she be overcompensating due to the fact she doesn't see your SIL's dc as much?

Original poster
eatsleepfeedrepeat · 25/12/2016 23:09

She could be, but she doesn't see them because they're not her family! It's my husband's family, so no relation to her other than through me. I think she's a bit in awe of them because they're wealthier than we are, but it still rankles.

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 25/12/2016 23:11

Number of gifts doesn't equate to cost / value. She could have spent more on your DC but on bigger gifts.

That said if she didn't that's her choice and talking to her about it is only going to sound grabby.

LadyDeadpool · 25/12/2016 23:15

Repaying the generosity of her host maybe?

Original poster
eatsleepfeedrepeat · 25/12/2016 23:15

No, she spent £10-15 each on my DC (I bought most of the presents and she gave me the money). I know it sounds grabby, and I know that time/money/effort spent on gifts doesn't equal love. Its just the spending more on a relative stranger that's made me feel a bit like we don't matter. Argh think I'm just tired after a long and stressful day of hosting, trying to make everyone feel happy and not feeling like I've got a lot back Sad

OP posts:
kali110 · 25/12/2016 23:16

Think it's nice of your mum to buy for her.
I'm sure your mom does things for your dd throughout the year as she actually sees her?
Does it matter if she's purchSed more items?

Original poster
eatsleepfeedrepeat · 25/12/2016 23:16

Cross posted lady - could be but then again I hosted today! So doesn't work that way when it comes to me, obviously

OP posts:
Original poster
eatsleepfeedrepeat · 25/12/2016 23:19

Yes Kali, she doesn't necessarily do a lot (no babysitting for example) but I know she does love my DC to bits. Just a bit baffled as she seems to have pretty much forgotten to get them anything - I'd bought all but one of the gifts myself.

OP posts:
ConvincingLiar · 25/12/2016 23:19

It's weird. Id let it go. If SIL is rich she might have thought a token gift for a £5 wouldn't cut it.

Original poster
eatsleepfeedrepeat · 25/12/2016 23:31

I should let it go. I'm just really bad at letting things go, I'm not sure how to stop this bothering me so much?

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 25/12/2016 23:49

It's likely as she was the host and was kind enough to invite her. I don't see child/parent in the same way, it's just home not hosting.

Or maybe she enjoyed the freedom of being able to shop rather than just hand over cash for pre selected items.

EZA15 · 25/12/2016 23:53

Ah! Sorry, I get it. I'm the same as you - have an inability to let things go so I end up saying something. Probably not the best thing in this situation though. A bit bizarre - but could be as pp has said? That as they are somewhat wealthy a £5 wouldn't cut it?

Original poster
eatsleepfeedrepeat · 26/12/2016 00:03

I guess so, although I think knowing them and how much their DC has had spent on them her £20 offering was pretty insignificant too.
Sheldon I bought a couple of things as she doesn't trust the internet and couldn't find the items in town, but assumed that this wouldn't be their only gifts (given that she'd bought more than that for my SILs child! And had actually bought one thing they asked for plus other gifts.) So I really dont think it was a protest about how controlling I am Grin. I think she just didn't give any thought to my DC, which I should try to forget as I know she does love them really.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 26/12/2016 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DailyFail1 · 26/12/2016 00:51

She was probably trying to make a good impression & because of a limited budget your children got the short end of the stick a bit.

Original poster
eatsleepfeedrepeat · 26/12/2016 01:11

Daily I think that pretty much sums it up... so should I just let it go or should I speak to her about it?

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 26/12/2016 01:37

I'd let it go.

So she spent 10-15 on your DC and £20 on the other DC? That must hardly be noticeable in terms of presents?!

Assuming she was just grateful to be included by your SIL and therefore being generous to the host, you will just upset her by mentioning it. Is it really worth it?

DailyFail1 · 26/12/2016 02:20

Let it go eatsleep. Not worth it if she's a good grandma otherwise.

kali110 · 26/12/2016 03:09

I'd let it go!
Is it really worth arguing over the sake of a fiver?

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2016 03:48

eatsleepfeedrepeat YANBU. It is odd. I bet your mum has no idea it upset you.

Of course yu can let it go. But as it has upset you, I think I would mention it, just to ask her if there is a reason etc.

If the OP''s mum was grateful for being invited over the usual thing to do (IMHO) is to take a contribution like posh chos or a dessert or wine or to take something like flowers or a potted plant.

By spending more on the other families kids it is quite weird to me. Of course OP can let it go, if she can, but if she can't she is better to say something matter of factually now, rather than brood over it for a while and still end up sating something.

I guess, it is not really about the money, exactly, so much as why.

Thanks
BoomBoomsCousin · 26/12/2016 04:21

If you know she loves your DC and this isn't a pattern of constantly putting other kids above her own grandchildren, then don't say anything. Just let it go.

But if it's a continuing behaviour then you either need to talk to her about it and get her to change or stop seeing as much of her. Because if it's a pattern, your children will notice and it's pretty damaging to see that people close to them don't think much off them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2016 04:24

How would your mother react if you spoke to her? I think that would determine whether or not I'd let it go. My mother isn't a normal parent so I'd say nothing. But if your mum is a normal and reasonable person, I would. It doesn't have to be accusatory. You can say you noticed and are feeling puzzled and confused that she gave more gifts to sils children than yours.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2016 04:47

If your DM relies on you to get the presents, because you have access to the Internet, just make sure you buy something commensurate next time (rather than saying anything this year and risking causing offence )

Not talking mega bucks, but just make sure it's an item that your DC like, which is a bit more than a token gift. Eg if they like Lego, get them the £20 box rather than the token £6-8 box.

talkshowhost97 · 26/12/2016 06:47

As she is a normal, involved loving grandmother you should just let it go.

My guess is that your DM got herself worked up/nervous about being invited to a (sort of) stranger's celebration and overcompensated with the DCs gifts. She possibly even panicked and gave them some that were bought for your DC. I could imagine my own DM doing similar. But it's just stuff. She loves and is affectionate to your DC and that's all that matters.

Seriously, read some of the other threads on here and feel grateful for your DM Smile

Believeitornot · 26/12/2016 06:52

It's a bad sad that you measure the importance by the number/value of gifts.