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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL has turned on me

98 replies

SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 10:01

Have always had good relationship with MIL as I've known how to handle her. DH has a weird unnaturally close relationship with his mum, he speaks to her twice a day at least - would say he was married to his mum but it's never been an issue as I've made the effort to get on with MIL.
Yesterday, I went out for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Asked DH and he was fine for me to do this. Got back last night to find MIL ignoring me which she's never done before giving me the silent treatment. The morning she has a massive go saying I shouldn't have gone out yesterday as she was staying with us for Christmas and it was rude of me to go - I should have asked HER if it was ok for me to go out! Wtf, I'm a grown woman and don't need her permission. I'm also a new mum and need some precious moments away. DH is a little bitch and totally under his mum's thumb - now I've realised I'm expected to act in the same way. My own mother wouldn't be bothered like this about me going out and wouldn't act like this. What should I do? I've acted all mea culpa to keep the peace but inside seething. DH will always take his mums side. I can now see how manipulative she is....

OP posts:

Billben · 25/12/2016 10:07

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He needs to cut the apron strings and you need to stand up to your MIL. If you hardly ever saw her and then you went out for a few hours whilst she was staying with you, that some people might interpret as rude. But if your DH speaks to her twice a day (that is odd) then definitely not

Ouriana · 25/12/2016 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenLindleyShitMom · 25/12/2016 10:10

DH is a little bitch

that's horrible!

Grilledaubergines · 25/12/2016 10:11

Take her to one side and speak to her. Don't let this sour the relationship with her or the day.

I'm not going to agree with you that your husband's a little bitch though. Having a close relationship with a parent is neither here nor there. It's just a fact. Some people have a close bond with a parent, Sone don't.

In your shoes I'd be taking her aside and saying along the lines 'I'm sorry you feel upset that I didn't ask you about going out yesterday. However, I would have thought you'd understand that I had a prior arrangement/stuff to do/needed a little time for me. So I feel equally as upset as you that you couldn't appreciate this. So we either lay this to rest and accept a misunderstanding, which is my preference or this carries on. I'll live the decision to you.'

Then walk away and let her think on it.

Oh and no, you're not being unreasonable in the slightest.

PaulDacresConscience · 25/12/2016 10:12

In your shoes I would ensure that you aren't alone with her - and if you are then ignore her. Then be as sweet and nice as pie when others are around. Childish - yes, but oh so satisfying as it will drive her batshit. If she complains to your DH then you can truthfully say that you are being lovely to her.

When you are away from MIL you need to have a chat with your H about boundaries - pointing out that as a grown woman you don't need her permission to leave the house. She isn't your Mother.

Grilledaubergines · 25/12/2016 10:12

Sorry, leave not live!

Topseyt · 25/12/2016 10:19

OP us being truthful about her DH. Not horrible, though that might be incidental.

OP, your MIL was very rude. Tell her so. She is under your roof. What you do is up to you.

Anyway, you are a new mum. You needed a well earned fairly short break from your child. Surely that is part of the role that DHs and grandparents often play? Well, in my family they did anyway.

Scooby20 · 25/12/2016 10:22

Sounds like an awful relationship.

I find it odd you don't like his relationship ship with his mum but have put up with it and even had a baby with a man who yiu think is a 'little bitch'.The comment about you knowing how to handle her sounds quite manipulative. You think you can play her.

You all sound quite toxic together.

FourToTheFloor · 25/12/2016 10:25

God I hate the line 'you have a dh problem not X'

OP has a MIL problem. You wouldn't let a stranger talk to you like shit why allow your dh mother to? She doesn't need him to do anything, I would hope she is woman enough to have her own conversation with MIL.

Tell her you had to pop out, as an adult you don't need anyone's permission and that you're back now to spend some time with her.

Clearly your dh doesn't mind so ffs don't rely on him to sort this mad woman out.

girlelephant · 25/12/2016 10:33

OP I agree your MIL was incorrect to act that way. However the way you've spoken about your DP is out of line. If you have such an issue with him and he's a "little bitch" why on earth did you get serious and decide to have a child together!?

Original poster

SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 10:34

Comment about knowing how to handle her is about being nice to her - it's not manipulative. It seems to be that when everything is on her terns she's fine. She is used to DH running around after her as her only child. DH will never stand up to his mum

OP posts:

Original poster

SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 10:36

Before we had DS, I had no problems with DH doing everything for his mum. Now we have a child and his mum and her happiness still comes first. I am now feeling resentful hence being evil by calling him her little bitch!

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 25/12/2016 10:36

A little bitch?
All sympathy lost for that little gem.

PoppyFleur · 25/12/2016 10:39

OP - I would reiterate what grilled aubergine has very eloquently said. Do not let this sour the day but address the matter now with MIL.

You have but one life to live, you did not act in malice and should not have to accept it in return. Speak to her now, address it and move on.

Bogeyface · 25/12/2016 10:40

DH is a little bitch

shock that's horrible!

Its only horrible if its not true.....

OP, now that you know that this is how it will always be, that you will always come second to her, you have to decide if you are prepared to spend your life like that. Think about your child, do you want them to expected to dance attendance on her and then be punished if it doesnt manage to come up to scratch? To worship at the altar of Grandma and treat you like shit?

You need to give your DH a chance to step up and change the dynamic, but if he wont (he wont) then you have some tough choices to make. He needs to realise that if this carries on then it really will be just him and his mum......

MerylPeril · 25/12/2016 10:40

My MIL was okay but then decided I should never go out without being accompanied by my DH.

There was a massive fuss when I went to visit some friends whilst we were staying with them - she was furious (DH was also going out and she didn't want me in alone with her - couldn't win)

It got to the point she was visible upset if I went to the corner shop alone

Ignored her - ridiculous way of trying to control me.
Wasn't fussed about SILs coming and going for some reason thought she could bully me. No chance

Bogeyface · 25/12/2016 10:41

And I am assuming the OP meant it in the prison sense of being someones bitch which sounds pretty accurate to be fair.

PotteringAlong · 25/12/2016 10:41

I read the thread title as "MiL has turned me on". I was expecting a very different thread....

DailyFail1 · 25/12/2016 10:42

Ignore her. If she wants to sulk let her

RichardBucket · 25/12/2016 10:43

DH will always take his mums side.

That's the part I couldn't tolerate.

What are you going to do about it?

PerpetualStudent · 25/12/2016 10:46

Is she in your house? Just tell her you don't tolerate sulking over Christmas, so she can either cheer up or ship out! Your house, your rules - now you're a mum make it clear to her she's not going to rule the roost in your house.

Scooby20 · 25/12/2016 10:46

Its only horrible if its not true.....

Absolute bollocks. If op posted he called her a little bitch people would be saying there is no excuse for it.

Op why did you think things would magically change when you had a baby?

DameDeDoubtance · 25/12/2016 10:49

If you put up with this now you will be putting up with it all your life, he needs to prioritise his family or move back in with his mum.

Hermonie2016 · 25/12/2016 10:53

Sounds like enmeshment.I dont think you will be able to deal with this on your own as your DH will be so conditioned.

I would not deal with it today as it will just upset you as your H will just side with his mum.
Is she married? How long is she staying for?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/12/2016 10:58

You should have asked her if it's okay to go out. How old are you, 5.

She sounds as nutty as a fruit cake.

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