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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL has turned on me

98 replies

SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 10:01

Have always had good relationship with MIL as I've known how to handle her. DH has a weird unnaturally close relationship with his mum, he speaks to her twice a day at least - would say he was married to his mum but it's never been an issue as I've made the effort to get on with MIL.
Yesterday, I went out for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Asked DH and he was fine for me to do this. Got back last night to find MIL ignoring me which she's never done before giving me the silent treatment. The morning she has a massive go saying I shouldn't have gone out yesterday as she was staying with us for Christmas and it was rude of me to go - I should have asked HER if it was ok for me to go out! Wtf, I'm a grown woman and don't need her permission. I'm also a new mum and need some precious moments away. DH is a little bitch and totally under his mum's thumb - now I've realised I'm expected to act in the same way. My own mother wouldn't be bothered like this about me going out and wouldn't act like this. What should I do? I've acted all mea culpa to keep the peace but inside seething. DH will always take his mums side. I can now see how manipulative she is....

OP posts:

DoosyFartlek · 25/12/2016 20:02

Tinsel - mil wanted OP to ask her permission to go out. That is not normal. It's miles away from OP even informing mil about going out.

The mil clearly has control issues.

Graphista · 25/12/2016 20:08

I think it's difficult for people with good/ok relationships with parents/In laws to understand the perspective of those of us that don't.

Just to clarify, the mil was informed but not asked for permission but expected to be asked permission?

If I've got that right then mil out of order, an adult shouldn't have to ask another adult guests permission to come and go from their own home.

For the mil to then sulk about it is ridiculous! That's always pathetic behaviour from an adult anyway, if you have an issue with someone you talk to them.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate a guest expecting me to be home the entire time they're visiting that's nuts!

streetylight · 25/12/2016 20:15

You have my sympathy and understanding. Stand your ground now or she will be walking all over you soon and even worse controlling your baby! If anything she should be trying to keep you happy or she won't be made to feel welcome to visit her son or grandchild! You don't have to put up with this in your own home. Be strong you have done absolutely nothing wrong. She should show more respect to you, if your DH wants to put up with it that's his problem but make it clear that you and your child deserve better. Sounds like you have a few days of 'fun' ahead of you, I'd be making a point of the fact you can come and go in your house as much as you please.

Misstic · 25/12/2016 20:17

From the OP's first post, it sounded like the MIL was totally unaware and it was not about her expecting to give permission. In fact, it would be rather odd that after having a good relationship the MIL would out of the blue start acting this way when she has not in the past behaved unreasonably by expecting an adult dil to ask for permission to go out. However, it is completely reasonable to be vexed that after taking time to visit someone, expecting them to be around that they go out without giving you advance notice that this was their plan. This is the respectful and courteous thing to do.

Misstic · 25/12/2016 20:20

I doubt that Mil explicitly said op needs her permission. If you must op, cut your MIL out of your life. Hope you, your husband abd child, are better for it.

glitterandtinsel · 25/12/2016 20:21

Sam faiers is that you?

Original poster

SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 22:24

Lol no! I think this bizarre incident has made me realise MIL is actually very controlling but in a passive aggressive sort of way. You would never say upon meeting her that she was controlling. Well tonight she has announced to everyone that she's had a wonderful Christmas Day. It really is all about her - that's my huge take home message from this Christmas.

OP posts:

kali110 · 25/12/2016 22:57

Do you like your dp or mil?

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2016 00:16

DeathStare great post at 'Sun 25-Dec-16 11:50:59'.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2016 00:41

TinselTwins "Why can't he agree with his mother if he also thinks the OP was rude to walk out of the house for a few hours without a word to the guest who came to spend time with her? I would be annoyed at DH if he did that to his or my mother or any other visitor who came to see him."

Did the MIL come to see her DIL or did she come to see her son or baby grandchild - or the whole family? Did she come for the afternoon, the day or an overnight stay. It all makes a difference to me. According to OP it is a three day stay, so does she really expect no one to leave the house for three days?

Tinsel "...with someone who just sods off with no explaination and leaves you sitting there wondering why you bothered coming..." presumably she bothered because she wants to see her son and baby grand child too, not just to hold court with DIL for three days solid!

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2016 00:42

Sorry over three day stay.

Original poster

SunshineGirl2016 · 26/12/2016 23:00

MIL staying for a week! Feel like a caged animal unable to leave the house without permission"

OP posts:

woodhill · 26/12/2016 23:12

What's it got to do with her. Your house. I would flip. You're a grown women.

I think ds does need to put his wife first, there cannot be mil in the middle.

Chapter34 · 27/12/2016 00:58

It would have been good manners to let her know you were going out if you are hosting her. She may have wanted to join you or needing something from the shops.

Was there a way she could have communicated her displeasure better? If so, tell her and go from there.

Maybe DH was struggling with the baby and she felt helpless and was projecting when she said what she did?

I don't think she has turned on you. I think your tolerance level has changed. I hope you can restore some equilibrium.

I'm also a new mum
This changes everything.

Masketti · 27/12/2016 03:46

She's his mum why on earth shouldn't the OP go out? MIL is DH's guest more than hers. If he went out without telling his guest that's one thing but I see no issue with the OP going out.

Rubberubberduckduck · 27/12/2016 04:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

december10th · 27/12/2016 05:08

I think it is rude when you have a guest, to walk out for a good chunk of the day, especially on Christmas day.

Chapter34 · 27/12/2016 08:07

Masketti she is his mum, but she is her mother in law and their guest.

I'm not saying anyone is blameless here. But at least mil eventually communicated her displeasure. OP is admitting to dealing with this by 'playing the stepford wife'. I think she is actually playing the victim. Whatever is going on OP is refusing to communicate.

You don't have a mil problem or a DH problem. You have a communication problem. The good thing about accepting that is that you hold the cards to fix this problem.

Masketti · 27/12/2016 11:06

Is she their guest or is she his guest? Obviously the OP thinks one thing and her MIL thinks the other. If my MIL came to stay for a week (she lives 20 minutes away so never going to happen thank goodness) I would leave DH to do the communicating and I'd get on with sorting my family out. That's the relationship I have with her and perhaps it's the same for the OP?

PinkCrystal · 27/12/2016 11:12

Assert yourself that you have some nothing wrong. If she doesn't like it she needn't stay again. Staying with you doesn't mean non stop 24 7 contact.

DH should grow a back bone and support you ands only then will things get better. Yes I have been there and found out the hard way.

LemonRedwood · 27/12/2016 11:25

But it wasn't Christmas Day, december10th, it was Christmas Eve.

Chapter34 · 27/12/2016 16:53

When we chose to got married and took vows I joined my DH family and he joined mine and we became a household so every guest in our home is our guest.

I imagine some households work well with a segregated model, but this one isn't at the moment.

I personally can't imagine feeling happy without an integrated relationship, family and household.

It makes me a bit sad that segregation is being offered up as clever advice.

BadKnee · 27/12/2016 16:56

Scooby20 upthread seemed to have it when you said you all sounded quite toxic together.

You seem to have no respect for the mother of your DH - only "handling her" to get what you want out of DP who is close to her.

You have little respect for your DP. If anyone thought that little of me I would not be staying with them.

It is good manners to say as you leave a house "I'm going out for a couple of hours - is there anything you need before I go? Can I get you anything while I'm out? See you soon - have a nice morning" etc etc. It isn't asking permission, it is manners.

MIL may have responded rudely - we don't know. We know how you behave because of the way you talk about your partner, the father of your child, the man you are supposed to love - but we don't know about MIL.

Interesting.

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