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Original poster

MIL has turned on me

98 replies

SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 10:01

Have always had good relationship with MIL as I've known how to handle her. DH has a weird unnaturally close relationship with his mum, he speaks to her twice a day at least - would say he was married to his mum but it's never been an issue as I've made the effort to get on with MIL.
Yesterday, I went out for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Asked DH and he was fine for me to do this. Got back last night to find MIL ignoring me which she's never done before giving me the silent treatment. The morning she has a massive go saying I shouldn't have gone out yesterday as she was staying with us for Christmas and it was rude of me to go - I should have asked HER if it was ok for me to go out! Wtf, I'm a grown woman and don't need her permission. I'm also a new mum and need some precious moments away. DH is a little bitch and totally under his mum's thumb - now I've realised I'm expected to act in the same way. My own mother wouldn't be bothered like this about me going out and wouldn't act like this. What should I do? I've acted all mea culpa to keep the peace but inside seething. DH will always take his mums side. I can now see how manipulative she is....

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 25/12/2016 12:26

FourToTheFloor
God I hate the line 'you have a dh problem not X' hmm

Thank fuck, I thought that it was only me that saw this as being wrong,

Its starting to look like its the go to line to excuse the poor behaviour of women.

Your MiL is (in this case) the issue, your DH is the way he is because of her (FOG).

You do have a DH problem as well, but it may well be time for some ultimatums.

minifingerz · 25/12/2016 12:31

"I wouldn't be asking anyone for permission to go out!"

DH and I always check with each other that it's ok to go out. Just in case the other person had organised something, children needing to be cared for etc

It's known as consideration.

Miserylovescompany2 · 25/12/2016 12:31

This isn't going to go away over night. Your husband has been conditioned to act a certain way all of his life. You can not just press the eject button and see MIL flung into outer-space! Tempting though it might be?

Up until now you're towed the line with MIL so you haven't incurred her wrath up until now! She sounds like a narcissist who NEEDS to be in control, plus will see every other person as her subordinates. Narcissist love to serve up the silent treatment and also twist things to make you look like the wrong one.

How do you fix this? Couples therapy and clear boundaries. There is only room for two adults in a marriage. This could take YEARS!!!! Good luck :)

minifingerz · 25/12/2016 12:33

Would add - my mum is 82. She is of a generation which might see the OP's behaviour as rude. My mum definitely would.

Klaphat · 25/12/2016 13:37

I really disagree. It's a horrid thing to say about anyone.
No-one said it was a nice thing to say. The purpose of the word, however, can either be to be nasty and misogynistic about someone, or to very specifically and accurately describe an aspect of their behaviour. If you're not familiar with this newer (more American) usage then maybe this is difficult to grasp.

If I called a man a cunt, the insult is identical to calling a woman a cunt.
Using a different word to illustrate a point is not going to work here.

It's a little hair splitting to say the meanings are different and therefore more acceptable said to a man.
It's language. It is nuanced.

  1. Call a man and a woman a bitch and it's very similar - misogynistic (and when used for a man, often with a hint of homophobia).
  2. Call them a 'little bitch' and the phrase used for the man is a complete phrase that is difficult to separate - the phrase is 'little bitch'. On a woman the usage would generally be the same as 1, just with 'little' as a modifier for extra venom - it would not have the (as someone put it) prison connotation.
happychristmasbum · 25/12/2016 13:47

Well if your DH is not going to put you first, what will you do?

I would be very unhappy in your shoes. MIL has behaved poorly and it sounds like DH enables this. How long is she there for?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 25/12/2016 13:59

A man can have a very close relationship with his mother and still put his wife and children first.

My own DH usually spoke to his mother daily and visited her twice weekly, but he knew and she knew that if there was a family need he would put that first. I did my bit to facilitate their relationship as she was a lovely woman who deserved every attention DH paid to her.

The key was that she never tried to put herself above me in DH's life. She unerringly took my side if DH and I had a 'spat' and usually sent him back home to me with a large flea in his ear. God bless her, we still miss her to this day.

You and your DH need to sit down and have a talk. He doesn't need to cut his mother out of his life, he needs to reorder his priorities and act on them. And you need to make him understand that his marriage depends upon it!

BIgBagofJelly · 25/12/2016 14:11

minifingerz there's difference between checking if going out will be a problem and asking permission. I would check with DH if I planned to go out in case he had plans I wouldn't expect a guest to kick up a fuss about it though.

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 14:17

A man can have a very close relationship with his mother and still put his wife and children first.

Why must it be binary

Why can't he agree with his mother if he also thinks the OP was rude to walk out of the house for a few hours without a word to the guest who came to spend time with her? I would be annoyed at DH if he did that to his or my mother or any other visitor who came to see him.

RichardBucket · 25/12/2016 14:46

A lot of posters are assuming the OP walked out without saying a word to her mother-in-law. Nowhere does she say that - only that she didn't ask if it was OKAY for her to go out.

Original poster
SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 15:09

That's right - my mistake was not asking if it was ok to go out.
Background is FIL walked out on MIL when DH was 12 - for the past 30 years DH has been his mum's rock, her everything and he has danced to her tune. She is used to dominating. I agree with the suggestions of being superficial but friendly and keeping her at arms length away from my personal side. I will keep the peace but may have to go to "work" next week in order to have a legitimate excuse to get out of the house. After just having had a baby, tackling this huge issue with DH is not top of my list of plans - we are already struggling with the new parent thing and trying not to kill each other!

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 25/12/2016 15:34

SunshineGirl2016 How long is she staying?

I'd need to get out of the house too, whether my mother-in-law approved or not. My mental health comes before somebody's whims or strange perceptions of rudeness!

Queenie80 · 25/12/2016 15:37

Err this is weird, unless you check in and out with your on mother when your coming or going your MIL should sod off Hmm

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 15:43

Err this is weird, unless you check in and out with your on mother when your coming or going your MIL should sod off hmm

No, what's weird is that so many posters would be happy with going to stay with someone who just sods off with no explaination and leaves you sitting there wondering why you bothered coming

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/12/2016 16:14

TinselTwins

If he thought that the OP was being rude, why didn't he say something when asked?

Bauble16 · 25/12/2016 16:15

I'd be telling her she won't be welcome next Christmas if she's going to try control and demand in my home at Christmas. I'd be telling him to grow a pair too. The cheek

DailyFail1 · 25/12/2016 17:31

The poster who suggested cultural issues - most cultures where mamas are 'put first' only tend to put mamas first while fathers are alive & sons live with them. After father dies the acceptable cultural thing to do is let whichever dil lives with them to take over the running of the house. Mils who don't allow this are considered dysfunctional in those cultures too.

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 17:37

If he thought that the OP was being rude, why didn't he say something when asked? If we had guests and DH came and told me he was heading out for a bit, I'ld say "yeah that's fine" and assume he was going to then go and say something to our guest before just leaving…

RichardBucket · 25/12/2016 17:55

TinselTwins Maybe you should read the OP's posts? She did say she was going out.

Original poster
SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 18:40

MIL staying another 3 nights. My tactic today was to be the perfect Stepford Wife, bright, pandering to everyone's needs, a bundle of joy. Keeps MIL happy and my DH grateful for my ability to keep the peace. He won't stand up to her and is belittled by her but is happy to do so. He expects me to put up with being treated the same way. This is 44 years of conditioning by MIL, it's a lost cause to fight it imo.

OP posts:
Gymnopedies · 25/12/2016 18:51

hermione2016 sounds spot on, look up enmeshement/narcissist/FOG (fear obligation and guilt, possibly what your H has).
Good luck OP, good idea to lay low for now, you can talk with husband later. I also understand that things that are fine when you are childless can then become a problem once you have a baby to take care of.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 25/12/2016 18:53

OP I feel for you. My exH was totally conditioned into putting his family first, even after we had children he wouldn't even put them first, it was always his parents. His mum would sulk over the most trivial things and nobody would call her on it.

Note he's my exH now (or he will be when the divorce is finalised)

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2016 19:25

SunshineGirl2016 Re " My tactic today was to be the perfect Stepford Wife, bright, pandering to everyone's needs, a bundle of joy. Keeps MIL happy and my DH grateful for my ability to keep the peace. He won't stand up to her and is belittled by her but is happy to do so. He expects me to put up with being treated the same way. This is 44 years of conditioning by MIL, it's a lost cause to fight it imo."

If you can get through the Christmas time and a bit of new parenting and n to an even keel I would suggest you and your dh go for counselling, together or separably.

In your shoes, after Christmas I would simply go zero tolerance on your MIL rude comments. 'd justtreat her like an adult, not like a domineering adult and not like a child. Justsay things like "Did you realise that was rude to me." "Did you realize that was inappropriate?" Etc.

The logical answer to the going out fiasco was "I am sorry you were upset, I needed some time away from the house to get some fresh air and I told DH, I thought her would tell you."

Nothing more.

You were not rude.

She is a guest but not a foreign exchange student who doesn't know where the fridge or loo are! She is part of wider extended family, a guest, but hopefully someone who can make her own up of tea and operate the TV!

Misstic · 25/12/2016 19:36

If she was your guest and thought you would be spending time with the family that evening then I can't blame her if you did not communicate that you had other plans. If I visited someone, arrived at their home and they then went out not informing me of their plans or intentions then I would not be happy and would have felt unwelcome.

Graceflorrick · 25/12/2016 19:54

You need to stand your ground and tell her that you won't tolerate her behaviour. Your DH needs to support you - he's he problem.