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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has turned on me

98 replies

SunshineGirl2016 · 25/12/2016 10:01

Have always had good relationship with MIL as I've known how to handle her. DH has a weird unnaturally close relationship with his mum, he speaks to her twice a day at least - would say he was married to his mum but it's never been an issue as I've made the effort to get on with MIL.
Yesterday, I went out for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Asked DH and he was fine for me to do this. Got back last night to find MIL ignoring me which she's never done before giving me the silent treatment. The morning she has a massive go saying I shouldn't have gone out yesterday as she was staying with us for Christmas and it was rude of me to go - I should have asked HER if it was ok for me to go out! Wtf, I'm a grown woman and don't need her permission. I'm also a new mum and need some precious moments away. DH is a little bitch and totally under his mum's thumb - now I've realised I'm expected to act in the same way. My own mother wouldn't be bothered like this about me going out and wouldn't act like this. What should I do? I've acted all mea culpa to keep the peace but inside seething. DH will always take his mums side. I can now see how manipulative she is....

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 25/12/2016 11:06

After Christmas tell DH you need to go to relate to sort some basic issues if your marriage is to survive for the long term. Counsellor should be able to help him see just how unhealthy his relationship with his mother is,
Good luck

JenLindleyShitMom · 25/12/2016 11:10

OP us being truthful about her DH. Not horrible,

No, calling someone a "little bitch" is not stating a fact. It's an opinion and a nasty way to express it.

JenLindleyShitMom · 25/12/2016 11:12

Its only horrible if its not true.

Yeah, right. Hmm if this was a man talking about his wife.....

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 11:25

I'm sorry OP but if I had a guest staying in our home I wouldn't just walk out the door without a word to them about it. That IS rude.

And "little bitch" - you and your DH have relationship problems that go beyond your MIL.

RandomMess · 25/12/2016 11:28

Your marriage isn't going to survive unless something changes...

Olympiathequeen · 25/12/2016 11:30

Talking to his mum twice a day is fine if that's what he's happy with. It's not a big issue. Provided he is not round at her house every day and neglecting his own family that's also ok. It was not ok for his mum to treat you with such disrespect in your own home.

I guess speaking with her about it would cause more trouble than it's worth, so maybe just rant away and in a quieter moment speak with your dh about your feelings.

Love isn't something that will run out. He can love his mum and his family too so if you feel jealous just remember that.

DoosyFartlek · 25/12/2016 11:38

This is how I handled my awful mil after she did a few hurtful unreasonable things.

Basically I kept her at arms distance. Was polite, still saw her occasionally but gave nothing of personal myself and visits were shorter and therefore more manageable.

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 11:39

I know lots of women who speak to their mums and sisters a couple of times a day through social media & whatsapp.. nobody ever comments other than about it being nice that they're close. Why is it "unnatural" when a man speaks to him mum twice a day?

Why does it mean he needs to "cut the apron strings"
If women's relationships with their parents can progress form childlike to an adult friendship, why can't men also be best friends with their parents as adults?

DoosyFartlek · 25/12/2016 11:42

Our relationship was a bit like one you would have with a random parent in the playground. So polite, superficial, level headed but giving nothing personal day to day. And stepping further back and withdrawing further for a month after each mil tantrum.

DoosyFartlek · 25/12/2016 11:45

Tinsel - the problem is that miil is trying to dictate ops activities. Mil isn't entitled to do this but will be blindly backed by DH.

Klaphat · 25/12/2016 11:46

Calling a man a little bitch because of behaviour where he dances to someone's tune (AKA is their bitch...) is worlds apart from calling a woman a bitch. Rarely does the word bitch have that meaning when used about a woman.

minifingerz · 25/12/2016 11:47

I read the MIL/SIL threads on here and generally come away feeling proud of myself for having always behaved like an adult with my inlaws, rather than a hormonal teen.

I advise tolerance.

This one thing has seen me through 20 years of family life with a MIL and a SIL who fundamentally don't like me and can't always hide it. DH is extremely close to his mum. There is no way on gods earth I'd want him to feel torn between his mother and his wife. Same with DB. I love him so much that I'll always find a way of coping gracefully with his wife's disregard of me and my dc's.

Suck it up OP and move on.

DeathStare · 25/12/2016 11:50

MIL.... I'm very sorry if I upset you by going out without telling you yesterday. But if you wanted us to do something with me you really should have mentioned it. However I'm a grown woman in my home and as long as DH has no problems with looking after DC, and I have no plans with anyone else, I'll go out whenever I like. This is the way that my mum brought me up, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to undermine that. And DH agrees. Now let's draw a line under it, say no more about it and have a lovely Christmas. I've been looking forward to spending it with you for ages. Tea or coffee?

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 11:51

Tinsel - the problem is that miil is trying to dictate ops activities. Mil isn't entitled to do this but will be blindly backed by DH.

Or

The MIL is a guest at their house and she just walked out without explaining to the guest, which is rude, her DH probably thought that after speaking to him about it, she'ld at least mention it to their guests before just walking out. Sulking is fucking stupid - either speak about it/sort it or leave, however I understand why she's upset, and if I was the DH I'ld agree with the MIL in this case.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/12/2016 11:54

Tbh I'd divorce him. But you knew all this about him before so you can't now be surprised at his behaviour.

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 11:54

I'ld be really upset if I went to stay with relatives for a special occasion and their OH just walked out for a good chunk of the day without saying anything.

I'ld feel very unwelcome.

I wouldn't expect them to seek my permission but I would expect at least "it's lovely to have you here tinsel but I've just got to pop out for a few hours to sort some things out, but I'll be back by X O'clock and DH is here if you need anything"

Walking out for a few hours without speaking to your guest who was expecting to spend time with you is not okay

Grilledaubergines · 25/12/2016 11:55

klaphat I really disagree. It's a horrid thing to say about anyone.

If I called a man a cunt, the insult is identical to calling a woman a cunt.

It's a little hair splitting to say the meanings are different and therefore more acceptable said to a man.

minifingerz · 25/12/2016 12:02

"Tbh I'd divorce him"

There's a reason why some people have more stable relationships than other and it's because they are able to deal with frustration and with imperfections in their partner.

Reasons for ending a marriage: abuse, lack of love, unkindness, regular displays of disrespect. The OP's DH's behaviour here doesn't suggest a real lack of respect for the OP IMO.

Nor are daily phone calls to a mother indicative of a dysfunctional relationship.

TinselTwins · 25/12/2016 12:11

The OP's DH's behaviour here doesn't suggest a real lack of respect for the OP IMO.

I read the "divorce him" comment as the other way round, as the OP not liking/respecting her DH, and he's just being who he is/was when she met him

Teepish · 25/12/2016 12:15

Unfortunately, "dh is a little bitch" says it all about your true feelings here. You married that little bitch.....

Beginning of the end really. The mil will o my get worse and your self esteem may plummet. Talking from experience.

Teepish · 25/12/2016 12:16

*only

OnionKnight · 25/12/2016 12:18

I'd be absolutely slaughtered if I referred to my wife as a little bitch on here.

There's nothing wrong with speaking to parents every day and walking out without telling a guest that you are popping out is rude.

AmberStClare · 25/12/2016 12:20

Yesterday, I went out for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Asked DH and he was fine for me to do this.

I wouldn't be asking anyone for permission to go out!

originalmavis · 25/12/2016 12:23

Could this be a cultural thing? I know some men from certain parts of the world who do put their mammas first.

iminshock · 25/12/2016 12:23

Little bitch ??
How unkind