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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at PILS?

89 replies

Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 19:39

Namechanged for this.
Earlier this year I cut contact with my parents due to toxic behaviour in our family.
My PIL live in the sane village as my parents , and bump into each other, which I was ok with them still communicating (knew it could have been difficult otherwise).

I hadn't divulged the final (nail in the coffin) reason why I cut contact with my parents (which was last Xmas Day over the phone) to dh's parents until recently...not the full reason, but enough for them to know none of my siblings aren't talking to my parents either...

Until tonight, when dh told me my parents sent them a Xmas card. And they sent one back.
I feel kicked in the teeth. I really don't want to go to PILS tomorrow for Xmas dinner knowing this. Xmas day morning was when I broke contact.
I feel so low.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 24/12/2016 19:42

But if you are ok with them communicating, why are you not ok with a Christmas card?

ollieplimsoles · 24/12/2016 19:43

Yanbu op but is it something your parents did just to you and siblings?

I wouldn't go if I were you, you are clearly still very upset and its likely to spoil Xmas dinner anyway

bluebeck · 24/12/2016 19:46

I do understand how you feel, honestly I do. However, if you react like this, you are giving your parents what they probably want.

You will look like the unreasonable one.

Go, explain again face to face what happened and tell them you would really prefer it if they minimised contact with your parents wherever possible.

How do you know about the card?

HerodZackHunt · 24/12/2016 19:47

I think they've just returned a card out of convention. Not because they think your parents are great. It's not an endorsement of them.
If they bump into them regularly then it's just politeness.
Try to view it in context and try not to let 8 words in a card overshadow your whole Christmas.

hugoh · 24/12/2016 19:48

It's their choice who they send cards to regardless of your relationship with your parents.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 19:49

Because. PILS didn't know the reason why. Didn't want to put them in a situation iyswim.
Eventually (2 months ago)When I told them most of the truth, Inthought they understood.
It doesn't help that MIL's mother was the same, and she said that herself, that she could see it in my Mum, the same behaviour.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 24/12/2016 19:50

You haven't told them the full reason and its your argument and reason for going NC, not your PILs, you can't always expect everyone to take your side - especially when you haven't given them all the facts

Sorry but yabu

Giselaw · 24/12/2016 19:53

So it's ok for them to talk when they don't know but the minute you told them, you expected them to cut all contact with your parents? Unless this is something your parents should be jailed for, you can't really expect that of them.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 19:54

Hugoh
Ok, so it's ok to send a card knowing then that's it's a card from their DIL parents and PILS know what they're like??
Enabling, I thought, but I might be wrong....

OP posts:
OopsDearyMe · 24/12/2016 19:55

I think it was probably a manners thing than anything else tbh, I expect this is all quite raw and sensitive because of the timing. I doubt they even considered the things you may be thinking it means.

I don't know how old you are, but I know my mums generation (shes 67) wouldnt want to appear rude by not returning one.

I'm not a Christmas card person, but my mum used to send us kids cards which I never understood and she got the hump when she didn't get one bk !!!

I would not be as harsh as to say you are being unreasonable, but maybe a bit over sensitive. I would!d take it in a similar vain to kids at school, you wrote a card to the whole class whether you liked the child or not and got one from everyone else usually too.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 24/12/2016 19:57

Unless your parents have done something criminal to you and your siblings, I think YABU here, OP.

Sorry it's left you feeling so low. Flowers

Reality16 · 24/12/2016 20:00

You have cut contact. It's ridiculous to expect your PIL to do the same.

RaptorInaFestiveFez · 24/12/2016 20:02

I think you may be a little U.

It's village life, sending cards is keeping up appearances not giving them the run down to what you're getting up to.

It doesn't mean they don't understand your reasons, it doesn't mean they don't agree with you, it simply means they're not blanking them. Think of it as them being low contact rather than no contact, if they went no contact (as you said yourself OP) it would make things difficult for them.

Be kind to your inlaws and be kind to yourself Flowers

Tartyflette · 24/12/2016 20:03

If they are still communicating with each other, and you are fine with that, as you say, so why is sending a card any worse?
I'd have thought exchanging a few words/passing the time of day from time to time in the village is far more personal.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 20:04

Right, so I need to inform my PIL the full extent of what my parents have done just so they won't communicate?
Sorry, was trying to think of other people by not upsetting the applecart. But hey. I'm too nice, maybe.
I don't know xx

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 24/12/2016 20:04

I can see you're really upset about it, but at the end of the day it's a Christmas card probably reciprocated out of politeness.

What do you feel that they're enabling?

Very sorry to hear you're feeling low though - do you think that may be coloring your views a little?

Goingtobeawesome · 24/12/2016 20:05

YANBU

My MIL sided with my mother, "mother to mother" over something and I'm still so angry and pissed off I let her get away with saying nothing was scared of her . Surely I should come first before my mother so I'm the mother of her grandchildren and my mother is nothin to any of us.

MIL told me mother something I'd never have wanted her to know. Caused upset, worry etc etc.

Notonthestairs · 24/12/2016 20:06

Do you think you are reacting like this because it's the anniversary of cutting contact and it's on your mind.
It's a card - I suspect your PiL were just being polite and they would hate to think they've upset you. Don't let it spoil this Christmas for you - it sounds like last year was bad enough.

ClashCityRocker · 24/12/2016 20:06

I don't think you can control who your pils communicate with. If the extent of their communication is a Christmas card, I'd just leave it, to be honest.

esiotrot2015 · 24/12/2016 20:07

I think they've just returned a card out of convention. Not because they think your parents are great. It's not an endorsement of them

this

it's a generational thing to return Christmas cards

Plus it's your row not theirs

Don't ruin Christmas because of it, your poor dh. Bet he wished he'd never opned his big mouth

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 24/12/2016 20:08

Perhaps they thought that sending a card would avoid a huge fuss? Not sending one might have caused drama, because people see cards in different ways and older people often seem to have a very formal structure to who they must send cards to and what kind of cars they are, what is written in them etc. It's hardly an invite to move in with them and cuddle on the sofa and was probably meant to minimise or avoid further nastiness. (Perhaps your MIL's mother would have raised merry hell about not getting a card in the same situation and they thought they were helping you).

None of that was intended as criticism, by the way. I do understand and I feel for you, I really do.But if your PIL's are otherwise good people, I'd let it go.

JustCallMeKate · 24/12/2016 20:09

I don't think you can control who your pils communicate with.

This. Whatever has happened with your parents you certainly can't control who they send cards to. You also can't control who your PIL speak to. You sound very controlling tbh.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 24/12/2016 20:10

Sorry, that first sentence was supposed to say "Perhaps they thought that not sewing a card..."

Miserylovescompany2 · 24/12/2016 20:10

OP, you can not dictate who your PIL speak with or send cards to. Maybe they would of dealt with this differently if they knew the whole reason? Who knows...

I'm sorry you are feeling low. Maybe tomorrow is a chance/opportunity for you to put your side across. Maybe you'll feel differently in the morning? Personally, I would go as planned. Set your feelings aside for one day and deal with it when you feel a bit less emotional.

TBF a card at Christmas is basically just Christmassy communication.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 24/12/2016 20:11

Not SEWING a card? I think it might be time for bed!