To be upset at PILS?

[Cheeseandbeansontoast]

Namechanged for this.
Earlier this year I cut contact with my parents due to toxic behaviour in our family.
My PIL live in the sane village as my parents , and bump into each other, which I was ok with them still communicating (knew it could have been difficult otherwise).

I hadn't divulged the final (nail in the coffin) reason why I cut contact with my parents (which was last Xmas Day over the phone) to dh's parents until recently...not the full reason, but enough for them to know none of my siblings aren't talking to my parents either...

Until tonight, when dh told me my parents sent them a Xmas card. And they sent one back.
I feel kicked in the teeth. I really don't want to go to PILS tomorrow for Xmas dinner knowing this. Xmas day morning was when I broke contact.
I feel so low.

Many people, thankfully, have no direct experience of abuse, and just don't fully understand its impact on victims

people can't imagine why you having such a strong reaction

This ^^

Someone who hasn't suffered abuse has no idea how visceral and debilitating it is. NO IDEA.

And that pain is trapped in you from a time you couldn't defend yourself an were terrified and helpless - and any slight recurrence sends you straight back to those horrible, hurtful days and brings back the powerlessness you experienced then.

YANBU. You are suffering. Be kind to yourself - and yes, counselling could work.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas op, I'm sure no harm was intended to you by pils .

You accept that you encouraged your PILs to stay on friendly terms with your parents but now you've decided they arent' allowed to do that, that's not your decision to make. How is writing "To Bob and Alice, Happy Christmas, from Tom and June" any different to them seeing each other in the street and your PILs saying "Merry Christmas!" in response to our parents saying it first, which you are okay with? Perhaps they sent the card because they didn't want to have an awkward conversation the next time they saw your parents and get asked about the card, whether they recieved it etc because your parents were wanting them to acknowledge it's reciept.

You can choose to go NC with anyone you like, you can't force other people to do the same. Your PILs have stayed on acquaintance terms with your parents and have exchanged christmas cards, that is their choice, as it is your choice to be NC. They can understand how you want to have NC and still want to send a christmas card to them, from themselves.

My other 2 siblings broke contact with my our parents a long time ago.

Do you think your siblings saw your ongoing relationship with your parents as a betrayal?

Don't put your DH and his parents in a no win situation; encouraging your PIL to continue contact but being upset when they do and omplaining that your DH shouldn't have told you about the card, knowing full well you would be hurt if he had lied by omission. You are entitled to feel hurt and angry at your parents but don't let the your nearest and dearest bear the brunt of that anger and hostility.

You are in control here, your parents have only so much control over you as you permit, so don't. If you really want to have the last laugh, then have a lovely Christmas.

Resolve in the new year to put your demons to rest, see a councellor and start the process of working through the issues that having such a toxic relationship have had on you.

Your PILs were being polite.

You haven't told them the full story nor have you told them that you're effectively asking them to pick a side (yours).

They live in the same village as your parents, so they have to rub along with them.

You said yourself that your happy enough for them to communicate

My PIL live in the sane village as my parents , and bump into each other, which I was ok with them still communicating (knew it could have been difficult otherwise)

Christmas cards are part of that. Unless they signed it on your behalf, YABU.

My inlaws do this too and birthday cards to each other. It drives me crazy.

My inlaws send them in response to cards sent by my dad and stepmother. I suspect my dad sends them to show that he is the reasonable one and I am at fault. ( he once told my husband that if I went to the doctor and got pills maybe this whole issue could be sorted!!)

i just don't react and as other have said falling out with your inlaws just gives them what they want.

Isetan.

No, my siblings fell out with parents over separate issues, but none of us were close anyway due to our parents pushing us all away from each other in the first place, so no they didn't see my continuing relationship a betrayal to them. Dh says I should have broken contact with them years ago, but for some reason, duty? FOG? (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)? I kept in contact.

My Dad until recently had shown some support for me, knowing what mum was like, and when I visited them, it was to see him really.Then he became like her. And that was it.

Dh and I have sorted things out, and I am going to ILs today, and nothing will be said.
Thanks for your replies and Merry Christmas 🎄 xx

Hitmonlee

I also think my parents sent ILs a card to make out they were the reasonable ones and I'm the one at fault.

Then don't prove your parents point by falling out with your inlaws. It could be a generational thing as my inlaws send cards to people they can't stand just because that person sent them a card. 🙄

Try not to take it to heart. I don't think your inlaws are taking sides just being polite.

YABU in my opinion and controlling. Your in laws have done nothing wrong as far as I can see. They are just being polite. It's you who has fallen out with your parents not them.

If I was controlling, I would have expected my ILs not to talk to my parents at all!!!!

It was my wish that they still spoke so as not to cause any problems/discomfort to ILs.

As I said above, it's sorted now and I'll be going to enjoy Xmas with them x

Have a good Christmas OP, I'm glad you've sorted things with your dh and taking the decision not to let your parents ruin your day xx

Thanks EZA15, you too xx

I think it is a generational, convention thing - I had exactly the same, my PILs would exchange a card out of politeness, even though they couldn't stand my parents. That's all stopped now, FIL is with me on the pointlessness of sending cards like that, and MIL is no longer capable. But it did hurt, until I realised it was simply out of misplaced obligation.