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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at PILS?

89 replies

Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 19:39

Namechanged for this.
Earlier this year I cut contact with my parents due to toxic behaviour in our family.
My PIL live in the sane village as my parents , and bump into each other, which I was ok with them still communicating (knew it could have been difficult otherwise).

I hadn't divulged the final (nail in the coffin) reason why I cut contact with my parents (which was last Xmas Day over the phone) to dh's parents until recently...not the full reason, but enough for them to know none of my siblings aren't talking to my parents either...

Until tonight, when dh told me my parents sent them a Xmas card. And they sent one back.
I feel kicked in the teeth. I really don't want to go to PILS tomorrow for Xmas dinner knowing this. Xmas day morning was when I broke contact.
I feel so low.

OP posts:
tooclosetocall · 24/12/2016 20:11

YABU. It's a card. I don't get along with my MIL, I no longer bother to write letters or sign cards but my parents can do what they wish. They know my MIL has said some nasty things but it hasn't stopped them sending a card once a year.
Tomorrow is another day and it's Christmas, try to not let last years incident spoil it for you

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 20:11

To find out tonight of all nights, been in tears the last few days knowing tomorrow was the last day I spoke to my parents, and what they said.

They knew I was going away to celebrate my 50th birthday a few days later abroad. Ruined every Birthday of mine. They didn't disappoint that time around.
I still get choked up at what they said to me then, to tell somebody else is/was harder.

OP posts:
tooclosetocall · 24/12/2016 20:13
Flowers
GravyAndShite · 24/12/2016 20:17

Oh OP. Flowers on the one hand I truly sympathise, but this is not their battle.

So Y A BU, but understandably.

Notonthestairs · 24/12/2016 20:17

Cheese - I don't think it's about the card, I think it's about the anniversary and this has given you something to focus on. Please try to put it from your mind, you made the right choice going NC it seems so kudos to you. Enjoy Christmas and your birthday despite your parents. It sounds like you've got people who love you and focus on them. I'm sorry - it takes a lot of time to get over hurt caused by family members.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 20:19

Well, great, dh is kicking off saying where do we go from here, I get it's a generational thing, but they could have 'forgot' about sending a card.
And no, I am not controlling to whoever said that, just thought they'd listened..

OP posts:
ceecee32 · 24/12/2016 20:24

You are clearly over emotional.
Even if you do tell your PIL the full reasons for going NC - it doesn't mean that they will do the same. They may not want to/not agree with you/not want to cause a fuss.
You cant control what other people do
Let it go or it will dominate your life

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 20:26

Thanks for all your support [flowers

See what happens tomorrow..

Merry Xmas all xx

OP posts:
HerodZackHunt · 24/12/2016 20:30

I agree with stairs that this is the thing that's crystalised your feelings. Your DH is stuck right in the middle here. Your PIL haven't done anything awful. No matter how awful you feel it is right now.
He's got a point in terms of where do you go from here? He doesn't want to fall out with them.

Miserylovescompany2 · 24/12/2016 20:35

Sometimes you have to cry OP, otherwise all the pent up emotions would just build and build. Better out than in as they say.

This is understandably a difficult time for you and everything is personified. I sincerely hope you feel a little better tomorrow. Don't allow your parents to take another celebration from you.

Merry Christmas cheeseandbeansontoast xx

cookiefiend · 24/12/2016 20:36

I feel like your anger is misdirected. You didn't want to tell your PIL everything- understandable and fine. You are happy for them to be civil with your parents as they live in a small community. Sending a card is a convention for many people. It means nothing. Not sending a card (for people who send them like that) makes a statement.

Why would they do that when they don't know the whole story and they still want to be civil. They obvious didn't realise it would hurt you as they have been otherwise supportive to you.

So- have a wee cry then try to move on. You have lost the relationship you had with your parents, but you don't want to ruin the one you have with PILs over what is really nothing.

You could just tell them why what they did upset you if you feel the need to take any further action.

UnderslungBowlingBall · 24/12/2016 20:37

I understand your POV but I think you're being unreasonable. You've gone NC, that's up to you, but you can't expect your PILs to do the same.

DoosyFartlek · 24/12/2016 20:45

They were probably just being polite by sending a return card. The Christmas card itself was pretty meaningless I suspect.

Don't go into detail with IL's again. They know the general situation and you both know that mil doesn't quite get it.

Choose not to let this shake you. Choose to have a good xmas with your beloved DH. Choose to look forwards and upwards.

whattodowiththepoo · 24/12/2016 20:46

YABU you can't control other people in this way.

DoosyFartlek · 24/12/2016 20:48

Everyone has to decide what level of contact they feel comfortable with. Note that your mum and mil aren't close emotionally and don't spend lots of time together

Giselaw · 24/12/2016 20:51

Honestly OP, your PILs haven't wronged you and they're not against you. They are just keeping their noses out of your immediate family's business. Look at it this way - it sounds like you've had a difficult relationship with your parents for a long time, but only stopped speaking to them a year ago. How do they know you won't be on speaking terms a year from now? A month from now? Are they meant to call you and ask if they should be blanking your parents or it's now ok to say hello back in passing?

Your PILs are keeping their judgements and opinions about your issues to themselves. Just because they're civil in public, doesn't mean they may not privately agree with you.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 20:52

I'm not trying to control people just thought they'd got what I was saying.
So in the future something happens where I have to cross paths with my parents, knowing what they'll say:

"Well, you are so stupid, even your IL's are on our side.".
Yes it's my battle, but that battle will get shoved in my face in the future by my parents.
THEY ARE NOT NORMAL PEOPLE....

OP posts:
Isetan · 24/12/2016 20:52

Your PIL have not betrayed you, you're redirecting your anger at your parents, towards.your PIL because they're available.

You have a choice, hang on to your anger and let it poison other relationships or decide to let it go. If you struggle to detach, seek the services of a therapist to support you while your work through your shit.

PotteringAlong · 24/12/2016 20:55

But it won't get shoved in your face by your parents. You're not in contact with them.

EZA15 · 24/12/2016 20:57

I've gone nc with my parents. They've said all sorts of horrible things and no one I know agrees with anything they've said or done (and it's truly disgusting what they've allowed etc) however, I think yabu. If you understand that reciprocating card sending is a generational thing, you can't really expect them to 'forget'. If you do bump into them just ignore them - don't say anything. There's no need to say anything - you wouldn't say something to a stranger who was just walking past. It's a Christmas card, not an invite for Xmas dinner

ceecee32 · 24/12/2016 20:58

*"I'm not trying to control people just thought they'd got what I was saying.
So in the future something happens where I have to cross paths with my parents, knowing what they'll say:

"Well, you are so stupid, even your IL's are on our side.".
Yes it's my battle, but that battle will get shoved in my face in the future by my parents.
THEY ARE NOT NORMAL PEOPLE...."*

I know you said you were 50 but for gods sake - GROW UP

Expecting people to 'take sides' is akin to being in the playground

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 20:58

Giselaw.

My other 2 siblings broke contact with my our parents a long time ago.
Just because it took me a longer time doesn't mean it's just an argument, and all will be fine in, say, a years time.
Did I mention they were toxic?
I should have broke contact myself years ago. Something I regret to this day.

OP posts:
BlueFolly · 24/12/2016 21:01

I think you're over reacting, it's just a card!

stubbornstains · 24/12/2016 21:06

I've been on both sides of this, except that in my case it was abusive XPs. I can feel very raw when I know that people that I consider friends are still fraternising with my abusive ex. I automatically think that it means that they don't believe what I've told them about my XP, and that they still think he's great, and believe his version of events. I've started to realise that this is not necessarily true- most of them are aware what he's like, are still firmly on my side, but will hang out with him for the sake of social ease.

I realised this when I found myself exchanging pleasantries with a good friend's XP, who I know was physically abusive, therefore will always be a cunt in my books. But....this was at school. In front of their DS. Now, blanking someone (and, I suppose, not exchanging Christmas cards, in the eyes of the older generation Grin) would be an act of overt hostility. What if he then turned around and had a go at her- "What have you been saying to your friends about me? Why was stubborn blanking me?"- therefore causing more problems for her?

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 24/12/2016 21:11

I don't expect them to take sides. After all, it was me who encouraged them to keep in contact.

My PILS and I talked about it since and I divulged more information about what had happened,

The fact that my parents sent them a card was insulting in itself. Wasn't expecting that to be honest, I felt It was a punch in the stomach to me, but that it was reciprocated.
Will talk to dh tomorrow, see what to do.
Maybe over reacting but,

OP posts: