To be upset at PILS?

[Cheeseandbeansontoast]

Namechanged for this.
Earlier this year I cut contact with my parents due to toxic behaviour in our family.
My PIL live in the sane village as my parents , and bump into each other, which I was ok with them still communicating (knew it could have been difficult otherwise).

I hadn't divulged the final (nail in the coffin) reason why I cut contact with my parents (which was last Xmas Day over the phone) to dh's parents until recently...not the full reason, but enough for them to know none of my siblings aren't talking to my parents either...

Until tonight, when dh told me my parents sent them a Xmas card. And they sent one back.
I feel kicked in the teeth. I really don't want to go to PILS tomorrow for Xmas dinner knowing this. Xmas day morning was when I broke contact.
I feel so low.

The fact that your parents sent them a card was probably highly manipulative, and a blatant attempt to gain allies. Don't fall for it. I bet you your PiLs haven't, really.

I understand why you feel the way you do. I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable, as such. It's hard to know without knowing the details. But I do hope you feel a bit better after sleeping on it. Don't let your parents drive a wedge between you and the family you've got now.

Sooo - you encouraged them to keep in contact

And now you are getting your knickers in a twist over a christmas card.

Give your head a wobble - you cant have it both ways.

you are being controlling if you want pil to stop 'contact'.
they are adults and can negotiate their own boundaries with people, so don't tell or expect them to choose 'sides'.

i don't think pil want to be the piggies in the middle,
they didn't initiate contact, just exchanged formalities for politeness sake and to keep things on a civil footing.

you don't need to tell them the whole ugly truth, just say it feels like your dp's are trying to wriggle in through the backdoor. It scares you and upsets you.
tell them that no matter what manipulative shit dp's try, pil are not to mention anything about you or your family.

What I don't understand is that you know they speak if they see each other but you're unhappy about the card and not the speaking when they see each other, which is worse isn't it? If they speak in passing why shouldn't they send them a card, it's nothing to do with you not speaking to your parents and you don't have to tell them the whole story ... your relationship with them and that of your PIL's is a different one altogether

Stubborn, I get you, it's more of a politeness thing, but why go through this when we've been abused ourselves?

It's like being abused again, pleasing the people who have abused others?
It's like enabling them (in the abusers eyes, that's how they see it, that's it's ok to carry on). They'll do it to somebody else.

It's turned into a bit of a mess hasn't it. You encouraged your ILs to not so much stay in touch but to be polite I guess when bumping into them and your parents have used this to get at you.
Generally toxic people like to get under your skin. Your ILs haven't cut them off and have remained polite in sending a card back. Try (as hard as it is) to not read any more into it than that. It's just a card, they aren't picking sides (regardless of what your shit, so called, parents may imply or say in future). Think of it as another battle (hopefully one of the last, if not the last). They want to upset you, to make you feel bad and guilty about cutting them off last Christmas. Don't let them. Think of all the positives your ILs do for you. Think of all the positives of not being subject to your parents abuse.

As for your parents trying to use the card (or anything else) as a tool to manipulate/punish you, be strong in not allowing it. Stick with no contact. If they can't speak to you they can't try to convince you that you are wrong. And you know that you are right. Your siblings are right. You are strong and you can do this. Stick to your plans as best you can. Enjoy Christmas as best you can, and do loads of fun activities to keep this out of your mind over Christmas.
I would also like to suggest in the new year seeking some councilling to help you better cope with this situation, and the years of suffering your parents have caused. They are not worth you being upset for another minute. That is all they want. To win you must be happy. And you can do it!

I don't think that PiLs can really understand that this is a betrayal. It is outside their experience and they don't know the correct way to respond. They don't know about being sucked in, being used to make a point, enabling...

What does DH think? You said he is raging- is that about your parents, or that his parents sent the card?

Can you try and ignore it for the moment, get Christmas done, and tackle it in the new year?

. If you understand that reciprocating card sending is a generational thing, you can't really expect them to 'forget'

Speaking as someone probably of that generation, I strongly disagree.

I don't see, even living in the same place, why Cheese's inlaws couldn't back her up.

I have no problem not returning cards to people I wish to have nothing to do with, or who have caused 'damage' to my family. And my DiLs and SiLs are family as far as I'm concerned.

The ILs sent your parents a card but it's you they are having over for Christmas dinner.
If you parents try to use the card to attack/undermine you, it will only be your parents' fault. Everyone with some sense will know the ILs did it out of sheer politeness.

Fine that it's harder for my ILs to ignore them in the street, and I get that, that's why I didn't want any trouble for the IL's. I thought I was being thoughtful in saying I didn't expect them not to speak to them.
In response to the Xmas card to them from my parents, I felt it was a message to me, not in politeness to IL's. Knowing it would get back to me.
That my feelings don't count. As usual.
Hopefully we can sort things tomorrow.

i have no problem not returning cards to people I wish to have nothing to do with, or who have caused 'damage' to my family. And my DiLs and SiLs are family as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, but not everyone is the same. Just because you would have no problem not sending a card, it doesn't mean op il's feel the same

Thanks lemon, that makes sense, dh was raging on about me not happy with the card sending from his parents.

I was saying only a few minutes before he mentioned the card sending that I was determined to have a great Xmas (even put the Xmas tree up 2 weeks earlier than usual, not like me), because of last year.

Bad timing, wish he hadn't have told me. And I guess he feels the same xx

If you fall out with your inlaws over this your parents win.

Your parents know what they're doing, your inlaws are just nice people who have no clue that they are being used.

Right now it hurts but it's your parents to blame not your inlaws. If you can give no reaction at all (for your parents to see) and maintain your good relationship with your inlaws then you win.

It's hard, believe me I know it's hard, but you can win and you can have a happy family with your inlaws and a happy life.

NannyOgg

That last paragraph says what I feel. I thought I was family to my ILs.

I couldn't tell my ILs everything as I'm still trying to come to terms with things myself, 50 years old or not, and thought it might makes things more uncomfortable all round.
Counselling is a great idea, thanks xx

*Stubborn, I get you, it's more of a politeness thing, but why go through this when we've been abused ourselves?

It's like being abused again, pleasing the people who have abused others?
It's like enabling them (in the abusers eyes, that's how they see it, that's it's ok to carry on). They'll do it to somebody else.*

Yes, and it's tough. But I find that I have to accept that it's just what people do . Many people, thankfully, have no direct experience of abuse, and just don't fully understand its impact on victims.

One thing, though, which was an eye opener, was reading "Why does he do that?", which is about men who abuse their female partners, but I think is applicable to other kinds of abuse. I'd always been a "brush it under the carpet, don't mention it, maintain your dignity" kind of person, but I was impressed by how strongly Lundy Bancroft feels that you should speak out about abuse, mainly to stop abuse -and abusers- being socially acceptable.

With that in mind, if it came up in conversation, I would tell my PiLs about the full extent of the abuse from your DPs - if you think you can remain calm and detached while you do so! Don't immediately expect them to change their behaviour, though- but it might help you to know that they know.

You're right, can't let my parents win.

The fact they have waited 12 months, to hurt at a time when it's a time for celebration. Gah. About right though.

I'm glad posters have seen what is happening and I also see that I'm being daft, two sides to it, thanks all for giving me a wider perspective, I needed it. Time for a beer.

Honestly, this will bring nothing but trouble. Sometimes you just have to be a bit disappointed but recognise that everyone's different, everyone makes mistakes, and accept that people you love let you down a little bit. They won't have meant to, and your husband certainly hasn't done anything wrong.

Take a deep breath, be the bigger person and have a lovely Christmas. Be really kind to the people you love. Life is too short.

Sorry, that first sentence was supposed to say "Perhaps they thought that not sewing a card..."

You'll get there, Zippy

Op I knid of get where you are coming from. I had a shitty, vile stepfather. He did some fucking vile things over the years. As soon as my mum left him when I was 18 I said I would never ever speak to him again.

My siblings (who are his real dcs) do have a relationship with him. When dd was small he started sending her Christmas cards and presents. Just a few bits like a selection box and a teddy. My siblings passed those gifts to me or dd with a smile and a 'dad/grandad sent you this'.

If I kicked off it would cause a riot. If I hnded them back dd would be confused nd upset, whichever sibling had passed them on would be upset. He used other people to cause me upset and make me look the bad guy.

So I understand exactly how you feel.

However. He could only make me feel like that if I let him. So I started to smile and say thank you. After 2 years the presents stopped and I had made my point to myself.

No one I was NC with could directly influence me. They could only use others to do this. And for the sake of the other people he was using I had to stop him making me feel anything except maybe indifference. Even amusement at his game playing was too strong an emotion.

I would find your DH and tell him that you won't mention it again as it doesn't matter. Hug your pils tomorrow and tell them it doesn't matter. It's Christmas and it's your birthday. Don't let them influence anymore feelings from you other than indifference.

It's my best defence against cunts. Works on ex p as well. Have a glass of something nice and forget about it.

Cards are so different to that generation than to ours. Mine seem to send cards to everyone they seemed to have ever had contact with. People from holiday they never see again, the butcher , people they see everyday, everybody on their road and in the village.
Where I send only to older generation family that live away.
It is probably what they do. They probably have sent cards to nearly all their age where they live which includes your parents.
They may not see it as a special thing. I would ask your H just to explain again. But don't miss out on tomorrow or your parents win. 💐

Right, so I need to inform my PIL the full extent of what my parents have done just so they won't communicate? No. you need to accept that your issues with your parents are your issues and you can't expect anyone else to have no contact.

As somone with toxic parents I can probably understand how you feel without you ever saying what happened on here. I think your getting a hard time because you haven't and people can't imagine why you having such a strong reaction.

My advice op is its not up to you how other people behave or who they communicate with even if it hurts your feelings, you need to respect the fact they don't feel the same way you do and therefore they (unbelievably to you) want to be in contact.

I get it though Iv had similar and it hurts.

I think you are over-reacting here OP, and putting your DH and your inlaws in a very difficult position. It is obviously a very emotional time for you with the anniversary coming up but it is really not reasonable to dictate to your inlaws in this way.

The decision to go no contact was yours - which is fair enough - so focus on the peace that you have gained with that and less on getting what you perceive as 'back up' from your inlaws. It's not their fight.

I hope that you go to see your inlaws tomorrow and that the day goes better than you feel it will. It's just one little thing, don't let it derail you completely when you've done so well all year

If you fall out with your inlaws over this your parents win

This ^^^

Your PILs are most probably trying to minimise the fall-out of what has happened for your sake and the sake of your children, rather than because they have any liking for your parents and their nasty shenanigans.

Probably the card was just signed "Fred and Alice" (or whatever their names are) with no message - it was an acknowledgement that they had received a card, rather than genuine Christmas wishes. They may even have had a pile of cards they had received and just automatically written out responses without thinking until it was too late.

I can see how it would have hurt you, though - I would have felt the same way myself. You must feel betrayed by people that you have trusted enough to share a very unpleasant experience with, and it is hurtful. However, as you have encouraged your PILs to acknowledge your parents in public, they most probably aren't aware how painful you have found your own parents actions.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - your feelings are obviously very raw and this is very painful for you - but I think that most people who haven't been through anything similar won't be able to feel how very painful and paralysing it is. You may appear unreasonable to them because they just can't imagine the depth of feelings involved.

Try not to take it out on your PILs - explain to them (or get your DH to) how upsetting the whole thing is for you. Or if you can - tell them the whole sorry story which may help them to understand. It might be better if you could leave any revelations or expressions of upset until after Christmas, though, or until you can talk to them without getting too upset. They will probably be horrified at how much this is hurting you and it would be a shame to hurt them, too, when they don't know what they've done that is so soul-destroying to you.

If you feel that you can't go, perhaps you could claim to be unwell or something so that it doesn't look as though you are being "precious" about it. (And it's not a lie, either, because this has obviously knocked you sick.)

I wonder why your PILs and DH thought to mention it to you? It could have been so that your parents couldn't crow over you about it - it would really have caught you on the hop if you mam or dad had tried to rub your nose in it (which my be what they are attempting to do).

Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you can enjoy Christmas with your family and put your poisonous parents where they belong - in the dustbin of your life.