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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to ex's last minute demands

29 replies

GettingScaredNow · 24/12/2016 09:25

Stbxh flatly refuses any contact schedule. And expects an ad hoc approach where I never have any plans and give into his requests endlessly.

There were plans for him to take them to lunch today. Then I am taking the kids to my mums over xmas.

He's just messaged to ask to take dd to the cinema after lunch. Which messes up my plans so I said no. He didn't give me any notice and as such I have plans.
He has demanded I cancel my plans as he 'never sees them' and we hadn't agreed a due back time.
Over the last 5 months he typically has them (well actually this the first time he's gonna take both kids out!!!!) for a matter of hours. Then returns them.

Aibu saying no to changing my timings?

OP posts:
1wokeuplikethis · 24/12/2016 09:27

Merry Christmas!!!

Just do what will please the children at this particular time of year. Then organise a proper schedule in the new year.

Allalonenow · 24/12/2016 09:28

Stick to your plan, he is trying to to emotionally bully you.

GravyAndShite · 24/12/2016 09:28

If course not. Yanbu

LittleBooInABox · 24/12/2016 09:28

YANBU - because he is being a dick.

I'd be concerned that he just would do as he pleased anyway. Take them to the cinema and be back late.

RedHelenB · 24/12/2016 09:28

No stick to your plans. My ex is ad hoc but accepts that they are not always free when he wants to have time with them. If you would like a more scheduled arrangement now might be the time to push for it in a diplomatic way?

Happyinthehills · 24/12/2016 09:30

So he wants to take one of two DC to the cinema and for you to work round that?

Of course you aren't being unreasonable.

Merriment · 24/12/2016 09:33

Yanbu, he's a twat (but you know that already) merry Xmas Xmas Smile

ChasedByBees · 24/12/2016 09:39

I would stick to your plans but what if he just doesn't return them?

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 24/12/2016 09:41

Well I'm depriving dd of time with her dad.
I'm selfish.
Apparently he's been wanting to see them for the last few days but didn't bother asking cos he knew I would say no due to short notice etc.

He wants me to push out my plans by several hours.

I've tried pushing for a contact schedule, been through mediation without any out come etc.

OP posts:
GravyAndShite · 24/12/2016 10:06

Apparently he's been wanting to see them for the last few days but didn't bother asking cos he knew I would say no due to short notice etc.

What a load of absolute shite! And I usually tend to try and see it from dads perspective in these threads as they sometimes get ambushed!

He is disorganised and irresponsible - I don't have a solution but you can at least congratulate yourself that you identified this and he is your ex!

mickeysminnie · 24/12/2016 10:06

What age are the children? Is he really going to drop one back to you and take the other for a treat?
When he is dropping them back have something ready to say in front of the kids. "Sorry the cinema didn't work out, but why don't you let me know what day suits you next week, because I'm sure 'dd'd name' will really enjoy that."
He is just trying to mess with you and make himself out to be hard done by. Don't let him away with it. Pick him up on it every time in front of the children.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 24/12/2016 10:14

Knob.

Ignore him.
He had the other 364 days of this year to see his child.

Have a lovely happy xmas Flowers

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 24/12/2016 10:16

They are 2&4.
He would absolutely drop the younger one back.
He doesn't see ds (2 yrs) as a person yet. Ds gets short trips to the park and dd gets lunches, dinners. Days out (well, two in 5 months)

He is moving soon and seems to think he can take both to his flat for the day. Then bring ds back to me after a few hours and take dd to say overnight.
Tbf - ds would HATE being away from me overnight. The lad still shares my bed and is, for about 20 hours a day!) physically attached to me but still....
Ex can't see this will damage him emotionally and he will be rejected.

Because none of it is about the kids. It's all about me isn't it.

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 24/12/2016 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Upanddownroundandround · 24/12/2016 10:28

Actually I think differently...but only from the point of view of what would the DC enjoy most? Would a trip to the cinema with their dad be exciting or a treat? If so then don't stop that happening for their sake.

It's not that YABU, obviously you are not but it's about the DC and what they want today. It's a special day for children.

Upanddownroundandround · 24/12/2016 10:30

Your xDP does sound awful OP.

Softkitty2 · 24/12/2016 10:33

Just make it clear to him. Say "If we have agreed to an arrangement of when you will have the dc and deviate I WILL NOT CHANGE MY PLANS TO ACCOMODATE YOU no buts no ifs"

Also write it all down so when he decides you are keeping them from him you have notes you can go back on to use.

fuzzywuzzy · 24/12/2016 10:34

Aside from making last minute demands treating the two children so differently is really nasty.

He needs to parents his children and treat them both not one and leave the other behind.

And I wouldn't change my plans last minute for a man who's not terribly bothered about his children either.

DJBaggySmalls · 24/12/2016 10:34

We went through this, its emotional abuse to both you and your DC, it never gets any better, and he's an entitled knob.
If he wants to maintain contact he needs to sort himself out and stop messing them about. there isnt a single court that would accept his terms as reasonable.

Italiangreyhound · 24/12/2016 10:40

Personally I don't think it is all about the dcs on this one occasion but rather about establishing a pattern which you can all stick to and work with for their benefit.

Only when/if you had an excellent working relationship with co-parenting should you consider changing set plans.

Plenty of time now to organise a New Year cinema treat and book tickets on set day with consultation with you.

Be clear it is not about you, it is about the kids.

A big, tiring outing for a 4 year old on Christmas Eve could leave her tired for Christmas Day.

There are normally 52 weekends a year for cinema visits, just so happens this year there are 51. He needs to grow up!

Flowers
Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 24/12/2016 10:44

Up and down - I do agree.
I've come to a compromise where he can take dd as long as he drives her to my mums house afterwards. Which he has agreed to.

I am endlessly accommodating him. Everyone is gobsmacked that I allow one to one contact all the time but I genuinely believe it's in the kids interest. There is absolutely no way he would manage both.
He's taking both to lunch today and I'm really worried about it.

Thanks for replies. I ask because he just verbally (via text usually) attacks me saying all manner of things about how awful I am. How selfish. How I stop him seeing them. I'm trying to remove their dad etc etc.
And I start to wonder if IABU.

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 24/12/2016 10:51

He yells that you are trying to stop him seeing them so that when he can't be bothered any more he thinks he can blame you.
Its bullshit, don't fall for it.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 24/12/2016 10:58

Have a giggle, OP.

And I agree with the others. Stick to your plans.

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 24/12/2016 11:05

Joffery - printing that for my fridge as we speak Grin

Thank you. I was doing better but I think today took me by surprise.

OP posts:
lovelycuppateas · 24/12/2016 11:34

My ex does this too. It's always somehow 'for the kids' benefit', but really it's controlling and manipulative. It's taken me 5 years to learn to say no and stop listening to his gaslighting. YOU need to create a schedule so everyone, kids included, know what to expect - kids need structure and so-called nice things don't benefit them if they are against the background of chaotic contact. If he doesn't stick to the agreed schedule, he doesn't get to see the kids. Sorry you have to deal with this, it's rubbish. Have a great Christmas away from him!

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