Saying no to ex's last minute demands

[GettingScaredNow]

Stbxh flatly refuses any contact schedule. And expects an ad hoc approach where I never have any plans and give into his requests endlessly.

There were plans for him to take them to lunch today. Then I am taking the kids to my mums over xmas.

He's just messaged to ask to take dd to the cinema after lunch. Which messes up my plans so I said no. He didn't give me any notice and as such I have plans.
He has demanded I cancel my plans as he 'never sees them' and we hadn't agreed a due back time.
Over the last 5 months he typically has them (well actually this the first time he's gonna take both kids out!!!!) for a matter of hours. Then returns them.

Aibu saying no to changing my timings?

OP ok so you have accommodated his erratic behaviour today. Make it clear it is a one off Christmas treat for DD but going forward it is plans that are stuck to.

He is being abusive to you by text/in person. Tell him to cut it out.

So save every text, email, and write down and date all abusive comments, on case you need evidence of his behaviour.

I'm your shoes. I would explain that your motives are what is best for kids. That's why you allowed it today, and why you allow one to one.

He might cope better when ds is older. Look out for signs he can cope and any signs he cannot cope and 're evaluate when you see his behaviour is changing, if it does.

Just use the mantra 'Children need routine. It's all about the children'.

Generally chaotic arrangements do not favour children. Spontaneity is not chaos. A nice treat when out with dad is spontaneous, erratic meet ups are generally (for kids) chaotic, IMHO.

Another voice saying keep a really detailed record of all these dates/interchanges/visits so you can produce it when needed. And I agree that he is setting the scene for blaming you when he can no longer be bothered with contact.

Amazing how all these useless Dads have to see the children on Christmas Eve having rarely bothered all year.

Tell him in the New Year contact will be every other weekend and if he doesn't like it he can take you to court for access.

YANBU - I'm having a similar issue at the moment with my ex. He's now not picking DD(11) up to have her over Xmas & hasn't even bothered to speak to her to explain himself (mainly cos he can't). DD asked to spend Xmas with him this year & he's been looking for an excuse not to have her as it interferes with his drinking & has now opted for the 'it's too much to pick her up/drop her off' & of course that's all my fault as I'm an 'evil vindictive woman'. This is all because I dared suggest he drop DD off on Xmas night on his way home as his taxi will drive past our home!!! instead of me picking her up on Boxing Day. I do every pick up/drop off & have done for years & the 1 time I ask him to drop her off, this is his reaction He's explained how taxis work you see cos I'm an idiot who lives in a bubble & has no idea how taxis work & how impossible it is to ask for a drop off mid journey

This has all kicked him off quite spectacularly & it's his usual pattern off playing the victim & lashing out as a distraction from him being an arse & not wanting to be shown up as the arse he is. It's fecking tiring dealing with this level of arseholic behaviour but I'm years down the line & it still pisses me of when he starts this crap. I've tried pointing out it's DD who is affected by his choice to not now have her at Xmas but he's adamant this is all down to me & I'm just a total bitch.

The one bit of advice I'd give you OP is don't sacrifice your life/plans for such an arsehole. I did that for years & finally put my foot down. He still behaves like an arse (as you can see) but at least I don't have DD sitting waiting on him to not turn up (with the exception of today!!! Cos she asked for this & is expecting it) & we have a good life with lots going on. I lost friends because I was forever cancelling plans for him because he wanted the whole ad hoc holding out for better offers type of contact. I just wish I'd stood up for myself earlier.

My mantra - I'm not responsible for him maintaining his relationship with our DD, he is. His choices determine how that pans out, not mine. I always make sure DD is available for him but he decides when that happens & his decisions/choices are down to him, not me.