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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off...

32 replies

pollyglot · 23/12/2016 01:08

I've always swallowed it down, but this year I'm pissed off. Of my 3 kids (in their 30s, 2 with young families), only my childless daughter ever sends me a card (from overseas) for Christmas. I send a huge hamper of gifts and home baking for the families, (they live 500 miles away), but all I ever get is a text on Christmas day. Even when I became a pensioner and retired after 42 years' working and raising them almost single-handedly, there was no acknowledgement. The in-laws got the full party thing when they became pensioners, and birthday and Christmas presents every year. I have supported one of my sons financially to the point of impoverishing my retirement when he was about to lose his house. They are not well off, but surely a card is not asking too much? Tell me I'm not BU , please.

OP posts:
Hellmouth · 23/12/2016 01:11

YANBU. I can't believe they don't send anything :(

LucieLucie · 23/12/2016 01:11

Yanbu.

Is there some back story?

How come it's bothering you this year after all this time?

Not sending a card or phoning you at Christmas does seem mean and it must be hurtful for you. Flowers

Crispbutty · 23/12/2016 01:12

Yanbu. Next year just don't do it!

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 23/12/2016 01:16

Have you discussed it with them? Perhaps there is some reason, or perhaps the inlaws don't get the presents and attention you think they do?

If you are right YANBU unless there's a backstory. A card needs a call shouldn't be too much to ask

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 23/12/2016 01:17

*a card and a call

Original poster
pollyglot · 23/12/2016 01:23

Lucie - there is no real back story (that I can go into on here. Certainly I've tried to be the best mother I could be) I'm very cowed and unassertive from my upbringing and don't make a fuss, despite some appalling verbal abuse from one of the DsIL about not babysitting enough (eh? how?) and not moving to be closer to them on retirement.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 23/12/2016 01:45

You cannot blame the dils/sils for the lack of card or presents from your own children. It's down to your own children.
The in laws might be getting x,y and z for birthdays etc, but again it's down to their children doing this.
The dils is probably saying to your son it's your family. I deal with mine, you deal with yours.

PenguinsandPebbles · 23/12/2016 01:52

Not trying to say YABU...

However my mum spent an entire year saying she wanted no fuss, she didn't want to even acknowledge the fact she was going to retire. We arranged a small family meal to say congrats as she didn't want a fuss.

My inlaws arranged their own party, invited everyone they knew and as such a big massive fuss was made.

I always go above and beyond for my mum, I'm not responsible for what DP does with his. Likewise my SIL leaves it to my brother

Tell your sons how you feel

GravyAndShite · 23/12/2016 01:53

Yy what bloody teenagers said

PenguinsandPebbles · 23/12/2016 01:53

That should say I arrange a small family meal, my brother thought she didn't want any fuss

Original poster
pollyglot · 25/12/2016 18:09

Well, Christmas has come and gone without a word from my sons. No card, call or even a text.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 25/12/2016 18:13

Oh polly that is so hard and v unfair. What can anyone say to that?
I hope next year you do something just for you to make yourself happy and send a big hug x

Wellitwouldbenice · 25/12/2016 18:14

Why not send your original post from here to them?

RichardBucket · 25/12/2016 18:15

YANBU

However, I can't help thinking of my brother. I have to remind him to send cards to our mother for mother's day, Christmas, etc. It's not that he doesn't care about her, he just doesn't care a bit about getting cards and presents and can't understand why it means so much to her. In his mind, she knows he loves and appreciates her and so she doesn't need a bit of paper confirming it a few times a year.

I notice your daughter is the one who bothers and your two sons don't. I wonder if it's a similar situation perhaps, and it's your brother's partners who are causing the fuss for their own parents (your sons' in-laws).

followTheyellowbrickRoad · 25/12/2016 18:16

It's not to late. Phone or text them. They could be sitting there saying the same thing.

Original poster
pollyglot · 25/12/2016 18:19

It's 7.15 a.m. Boxing Day here, Follow...

OP posts:
esiotrot2015 · 25/12/2016 18:20

if they are all overseas did they move away or did you?

Scooby20 · 25/12/2016 18:22

My brother knows it's completely unacceptable to forget our parents at Christmas etc. Only because I spelt it out for him. He is older and I used to do all the organising. Until one year all I asked him to do was get a card and he didn't. Mum told him that she was upset because cards mean alot to her.

I am not making excuses for them. What I am saying is that you need to tell them this hurts you.

Does the son that you impoverished yourself for have any clue that's what you did?

RandomMess · 25/12/2016 18:30

You need to tell your son's how you feel, they aren't mind reader's that you do need gifts etc to feel loved and appreciated. There behaviour is certainly lacking in care Sad

Original poster
pollyglot · 25/12/2016 18:44

Flapjack - thanks for your kind words.
Esiotrot - my sons live in the same country - I regularly travel to see them ..they don't come to me. My daughter lives abroad, and is disgusted by her brothers' lack of acknowledgement of my gifts as well as hers, to them and their children.
Scooby - he is perfectly aware that I'm struggling on my pension with having to pay back the money he borrowed - he doesn't even pay interest on it :(
I know it's only a text/card/call, but it means so much. I have health issues and know that every Christmas is special because our time on earth is so short.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollyglot · 25/12/2016 18:45

Oh shit, that sounded so pathetic...sorry. Gifts are not important. But a short call or text IS.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/12/2016 18:51

Jesus wept. Stop making effort for them at all. Seriously, just STOP.

EweAreHere · 25/12/2016 18:58

Your sons are horrible.

Groovee · 25/12/2016 19:02

Your sons are selfish. Stop helping them out. I would hate the idea of one of our parents being on their own and couldn't imagine not buying them a gift.

pipsqueak25 · 25/12/2016 19:16

polly start thinking about you a bit more and do your own thing, you said there is no back story that you could relate on here but i'm wondering if that is anything to do with the radio silence from your sons.