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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is unbelievably tight for a wedding?

415 replies

StingyWedding · 22/12/2016 21:24

Recently attending a wedding of a friend. Amongst various other issues on the day I just felt it was a very poor and stingy wedding, at the reception they had a "hot chocolate bar" - they were charging for this (and tea, and coffee....)

Photo attached which they have proudly displayed on their Facebook.

Am I wrong to think of you invite people to a wedding you actually host and therefore provide for your guests? Not expecting a free bar but some table wine and soft drinks surely?

To think this is unbelievably tight for a wedding?
OP posts:
user1481838270 · 23/12/2016 09:21

Recently attending a wedding of a friend.

Mean wedding. Mean-spirited thread. It sounds like you and your friend are well matched.

Spikeyball · 23/12/2016 09:24

When I got married we provided a drink on arrival at the reception, for the toasts and a tea or coffee after the meal. This was the same at every wedding we went to at that time 20 years ago. The ones I have been to recently have had drinks provided with the meal but I have never been to one with a free bar.

Alconleigh · 23/12/2016 09:26

I agree with lots of PP; nothing wrong with a small wedding, an informal wedding, a bring a plate wedding, a reception down the pub etc. It's the trying to do a large wedding but passing the costs on to the guests which rankles. And I have a bit of a hollow laugh at the idea of guests being grabby for 'free food and booze' because I have spent hundreds of pounds on each wedding I've attended, when you got up the travel, the accommodation, the gift etc. Whatever I am fed and watered with won't come close to costing an equivalent amount. Of course the bride and groom see the total figure, so it won't seem that way to them.

And my point isn't that I expect the figures to match, but if I spent hundreds to attend and was greeted with the opportunity to buy some aggressively priced hot drinks in return, then I'd feel pretty done over.

NataliaOsipova · 23/12/2016 09:33

I was in the fortunate position 25 years ago for my mum and dad to pay for a big white wedding with a free bar. Not everyone is in that fortunate position, as my children wouldn't be now.

But my point would be that then you do something different. You can't afford to pay for 150 people at the poshest stately home in the county? Fair enough. But I would wager that most of those 150 people would rather be invited to the village hall and have sandwiches and sausage rolls and supermarket fizz that flowed than they would to go to said stately home and feel ripped off all day having to pay bar prices for 8 hours for every coffee/coke/glass of wine they consume.

A young chap I worked with was asking me about weddings (not that I'm an expert, but he did!). My advice to him was to spend at least 75% of their budget on food and drink. Because that is what gets people having a good time. That's what they remember and creates the atmosphere on the day. Very few people will notice how expensive the bride's dress was. Or what the bridesmaids wore. They won't care what car you arrive in or what flowers you carried. But if they've had lots to eat and drink and the atmosphere is generous and merry then a good day will be had by all. If they've spent all day feeling irked at the price of the drinks then they won't.

In fairness, I can just about accept the cash bar point. We didn't charge for ours, but we don't have friends that would take the rip and there was so much wine and fizz that I think it came to about £150. If you have loads of heavy drinking friends and there is potential for people to take the mick and set you back thousands, then I have some sympathy for that.

BringMeTea · 23/12/2016 09:36

YANBU. Sadly it seems to be more common. We provided a free bar. Not saying I expect a free bar but we wanted to offer that hospitality to our guests. So, we had fewer guests. Cut your cloth. To not provide drinks with the meal is shockingly poor manners.

PS Disclaimer: Haven't rtft Xmas Smile

Guitargirl · 23/12/2016 09:42

I can only think that you don't like your friend very much OP. And the name change? You're brave enough to post a bitchy message about a friend's wedding but not quite brave enough under your usual name?

dingdongthewitchishere · 23/12/2016 09:49

I have rarely been to wedding where I was being charged for anything. I have been invited by people who didn't much money, and only offer mulled wine (winter wedding) before the meal, or just punch drinks (and soft drinks), wine during the meal.

That's completely fine, no one expect a bar with every possible drink combinations. It's supposed to be a happy event, not a big show off affair!

EnormousTiger · 23/12/2016 10:00

It's rare to charge but most of us would pay £2.50 if we wanted hot drinks and the happy couple were short of cash (I prefer tap water). A hot chocolate bar is peddling sugar, junk, illness so not something I'd have at a wedding but each to their own.....

multivac · 23/12/2016 10:08

It's about expectations, that's it. I haven't done an accurate count up, but more or less, for everyone saying, 'I have NEVER been to a wedding where I've had to PAY for my drinks!', there is someone else saying, 'Every wedding I've been to has had a paid-for bar'. Yet the former group seem absolutely blind to the possibility that the latter might be seen as standard.

When there's a paid-for bar, that would include hot drinks (separate from a coffee course at the end of the wedding breakfast, which is a completely different issue). And in any venue, even a bog-standard chain hotel, those hot drinks would incur a massive mark up (like the soft drinks - how much do you think people were paying for some sugar syrup and fizzy water in a glass at this event, by the way?).

The weird notion that the bride and groom somehow came up with this 'hot drinks stand' idea - and even set the prices - is, frankly, bizarre. It would have been offered to them as part of their package. Is the venue ripping off its guests? Yes. Did it also rip off the bride and groom? Almost certainly - as soon as you mention the 'w' word, prices mysteriously sky-rocket. I think it's all the voile. Are the OP's "friend" and her new husband 'tight', 'mean', 'stingy' etc? I don't know. I don't know them. Is this a nasty thread and exactly the kind of thing that gets Daily Mail hacks salivating? Oh yes.

viques · 23/12/2016 10:09

I could almost understand the hot chocolate if it is loaded with baileys, cream and marshmallows, but £2.50 for tea is not on. But as others have said, not fair to put it out in public, presumably they asked you to their wedding because they liked you.

Thinnestofthinice · 23/12/2016 10:12

Nasty putting it on here... if you don't like it bitch about it in the car on the way home like normal people.

LuluJakey1 · 23/12/2016 10:14

We had ours in an Italian restaurant owned by friends of PIL (who closed it for the day). We paid for: champagne on arrival, wine with the meal and champagne for the toast .It had a courtyard garden and people sat outside and relaxed before the dancing started and there were teas and coffees out there and Pimms- included. We didn't pay for the bar after that.
But we only had 38 guests -if I remember rightly, around that anyway.

confusedat23 · 23/12/2016 10:23

The prices are not set by the couple!!

This is really rude to post considering your "friend" who's wedding it was could very probably end up seeing this!

Venues decide what is charged for and what is not in regards to refreshment packages. Why should they have to change their dream wedding venue because you don't want to pay £2.50 for a hot chocolate?
Surely everyone has been to a costa and paid that right?

seagaze · 23/12/2016 10:48

If the tea, hot chocolate etc was part of the package, it didn't have to be. The venue can't dictate what they want you to have, (within reason) Most people would have refused the hotels sneaky rip off rather than embarrass themselves with it. It's in very bad taste to have this kind of thing at a wedding.

multivac · 23/12/2016 10:57

It's entirely possible, by the way, that the couple had no idea what the prices would be: "We can also have our special 'winter warmers' stand available, for guests who want hot drinks - it means they don't have to wait at the bar with everyone buying alcohol."

I repeat, a Coke would probably have cost guests about the same as a cup of tea. Which do you think costs less for the venue?

HeddaGabbler · 23/12/2016 11:04

enormoustiger a hot chocolate bar is peddling illness? Wtf are you on about? It's not crack.

TheHiphopopotamus · 23/12/2016 11:08

A hot chocolate bar is peddling sugar, junk, illness

Grin A true MN response if ever I saw one...

Candlestickchick · 23/12/2016 11:16

the weird notion that the bride and groom somehow came up with this 'hot drinks stand' idea - and even set the prices - is, frankly, bizarre. It would have been offered to them as part of their package

I'm pretty sure it's not part of the venue. I'm mid wedding planning and this is an idea Ive seen in wedding mags with advice on how to set it up, plus Sienna Mai is a wedding stationer so they've got that sign made and printed money which could have gone on paying for cups of tea

maggienolia · 23/12/2016 11:20

You could always take a flask with you.
And help yourself to the toppings.....

seagaze · 23/12/2016 11:26

(I prefer tap water) Grin at a wedding?

Bluebolt · 23/12/2016 11:44

I suppose it is how far this goes will the coffee bar be the only add on. Was invited when DC1&2 were young to a wedding with a fairground mentioned on the invite. We had to go on a cash point run as the rides charged and not cheap. It would of been cheaper to go to Lego land. The sweet stall, candyfloss and ice cream where all extras as well.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 23/12/2016 11:49

I don't think this is a mean or bitchy post AT ALL! The wedding hosts have done something really quite remarkable, of course its going to be commented on. I bet every single guest was bitching about it in the car on the way home! Xmas Grin.

And of course op is going to namechange. If this ends up in the Fail she won't want all and sundry knowing she is a Mumsnetter.

This is aibu. She's asking if she's unreasonable to think this is very very naff indeed. She is nbu!

YelloDraw · 23/12/2016 12:00

Ugh charging for drinks at a wedding is so tight and so English. Other cultures have a much better sense of hospitality.

Drink on arrival, table wine and fizz for the toast plus tea and coffee are the bare minimum that should be provided. Although I do think it is better to put some money behind the bar as well.

Turbinaria · 23/12/2016 12:04

I think wanting a big wedding but make your guests bear the costs represents a cultural shift in weddings and OP was right to share it with a wider audience.

I will now not be surprised if I were to be invited to a wedding reception in Starkbucks, be expected to pay for my own food and drinks, buy the couple a present and also contribute to their Gofundme honeymoon Hmm

Turbinaria · 23/12/2016 12:05

Starbucks

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