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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and my post-mat leave return to work

100 replies

BobTheCob · 22/12/2016 08:33

I really have no idea if I'm being unreasonable here. I'm due to return to work after almost a year of maternity leave and am, understandably I think, not entirely looking forward to it. I know it'll be fine once I get there, but I'm sad to be leaving my children, daunted by the logistics and worried I've forgotten everything I once knew.

My DH recently announced that there's a course he'd like to go on, that could potentially help him with a possible career move, that he isn't definitely going to make and which would be some years in the future if he does. The course is due to start the week after I go back to work, lasts the duration of my working week, and would mean he'd have to stay away. The next course is in the autumn.

I'm feeling really hurt, and pissed off, that he didn't think "Bob might need me around that week, I won't mention the course but will aim for the autumn one." Now he has mentioned it I feel like I'll be pissing on his chips and blocking his ambitions if I say I'd rather he didn't go. I can manage on my own, my mum lives near by and can help, it's more that I'd just like him to have actually thought about me. However, I suspect I do have form for playing the martyr, I'm full of cold, pre-menstrual and cross because he's using more annual leave this week to further the potential career move while I juggle the 2DCs (3.5 and 9months if that makes a difference) and Christmas prep. So, sorry if it's garbled but AIBU?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/12/2016 08:36

Sorry, but YABU

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 22/12/2016 08:37

Have you spoken to him about how you feel about your return to work? It may be that it hasn't even dawned on him about the timings of everything.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/12/2016 08:37

Yep sorry, you are being unreasonable.

GinIsIn · 22/12/2016 08:40

YABU - sorry! You are accusing him of thinking only of himself.... whilst thinking only of yourself.

Trills · 22/12/2016 08:41

It won't be Christmas when this happens right?

How annoyed I would be would depend on how he presented it.

If he just announced "I'll be away for a week" I'd be annoyed.

If he said "I know this'll be hard but it'll be really useful for my career and the next course is not for 9 months" and then proceeded to do a lot of thinking about how he could make my life easier, I'd be annoyed at the bad timing of the circumstances but not annoyed at him.

Is he planning on organising lots of help, cooking lots of food to go in the freezer so you don't have to cook, doing all the washing before he leaves and again when he gets back so you don't need to worry about it?

WhereforeArtThouManatee · 22/12/2016 08:45

Going against the first few replies, I think yanbu.

The first few weeks back after mat leave are really important in terms of finding your feet again, getting a routine going and feeling secure in your role. Having held the fort at home for the best part of a year, you deserve good support now from your DH.

If his course was more crucial, I would be more likely to suggest you accommodate him, but based on how you've described things it seems to me that you take priority in this instance.

parumpapumpuuum · 22/12/2016 08:47

YABU.

It's a week.

My husband worked away permanently when I returned to work full time after mat leave and you just cope.

sparechange · 22/12/2016 08:48

Can you delay your start by a week?
I think YABU but I can see why you are anxious about the return

Purplepicnic · 22/12/2016 08:51

I think you're feeling emotional and apprehensive about your return to work and that's making this seem an issue. Have you told him your worries?

Original poster

BobTheCob · 22/12/2016 08:53

I really don't want to be one of those "but, but, but..." posters so, no it's not at Christmas but in early January, no he won't do any prep before he goes and yes he knows I'm dreading going back to work (not just because I'm leaving my DCs, but because there have been various changes at my work which may make my position trickier). The course isn't crucial to the career move, is self funded and requires annual leave. If it were any other time, I'd send him off with a grin and a wave.

OP posts:

golfbuggy · 22/12/2016 08:54

I think if it were the week you were going back, you would have a point.
But by the week after it will be like you've never been away

You say you've even got your mum around to help? It really shouldn't be a problem.

GetAHaircutCarl · 22/12/2016 08:54

Is he very keen on the potential career move? Is it something that has been on hold for a while and he's feeling the need t crack on?

ShadowMane · 22/12/2016 08:56

its natural to be a bit worried - afterall you havent done it before (returning to work after maternity leave with this amount of dc) - but you can do it, its short term (only a week)

the career move will help you all as a family if he decides to go for it - he'll be happier as you are supporting him

i would say - i'm nervous about my return to work, and would have prefered it if you had gone for the autumn one, but we're here now, so lets make the best of it

OneEpisode · 22/12/2016 08:57

YANBU. Yes, you could cope. But he should be acting like your husband?

BillSykesDog · 22/12/2016 08:59

YABU, as long as he's there the first week you'll be fine.

Dulra · 22/12/2016 08:59

I think YABU. We have 3 kids and are constantly juggling with who needs to do what but supporting each other with it. Sometimes he needs more time away then I do due to work commitments sometimes I do but this only works if you compromise and work it out if you stand in each others way it leads to stress and resentment and constant oneupmanship which is exhausting. He would like a week away to do a course that he feels will be a good move to help his career ok the timing isn't great but when is the timing ever good when it comes to kids? If the shoe was on the other foot would you be annoyed if he prevented you from doing something similar? It will be a tiring week but it is just one week fgs and you said yourself your mum is close by so have her on standby if you need her. It is easier in the long run to endure one tiring week then a months of resentment.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/12/2016 09:02

YABU.

If the next course isn't until next autumn that's nearly a year away. A long time.

Feelinglikeafailure · 22/12/2016 09:03

Did he postpone doing this course to wait for you to come off maternity leave?

frenchknitting · 22/12/2016 09:09

You don't seem that unreasonable to me. I transferred the last month of my mat leave to DH, partly so I could concentrate on getting back into work without worrying about DC, nursery settling in, housework, etc. Having to do it all on your own is an added stress.

It is bad timing though. Can you maybe take that week as holiday?

Primaryteach87 · 22/12/2016 09:11

Yanbu! Don't be a martyr though. Tell him - sounds like a great course. Given I'm going back to work then, book the one in the autumn please. Be direct!

BendingSpoons · 22/12/2016 09:13

I've just gone back to work, 9mo isn't sleeping well, I'm shattered. YANBU to want some help when there doesn't seem to be any urgency for the course.

JennyHolzersGhost · 22/12/2016 09:14

Since nobody else has done it yet, I'll do the traditional MN 'I think this isn't about the course ...' suggestion.

Your comment about him taking annual leave to do a work training thing and leaving you to sort Christmas stuff out suggests that there is a wider pattern in your relationship of him not pulling his weight in your eyes. Is that the case ?

honeylulu · 22/12/2016 09:14

Well I think his timing is rubbish and thoughtless.

Crumbs1 · 22/12/2016 09:14

Yes, unreasonable, sorry. I understand your anxieties but he is trying to improve his career prospects for you all. It is tough but you'll survive the challenge.

Original poster

BobTheCob · 22/12/2016 09:15

Ok, the general consensus seems to be suck it up buttercup, which I will endeavour to do. To answer some questions, he only found out about the course a couple of weeks ago and the career move won't happen any sooner (it's probably a 3-5 year plan) whether he does the course now or in the autumn. I can't delay my return to work or take it as annual leave.

OP posts:

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