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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and my post-mat leave return to work

100 replies

BobTheCob · 22/12/2016 08:33

I really have no idea if I'm being unreasonable here. I'm due to return to work after almost a year of maternity leave and am, understandably I think, not entirely looking forward to it. I know it'll be fine once I get there, but I'm sad to be leaving my children, daunted by the logistics and worried I've forgotten everything I once knew.

My DH recently announced that there's a course he'd like to go on, that could potentially help him with a possible career move, that he isn't definitely going to make and which would be some years in the future if he does. The course is due to start the week after I go back to work, lasts the duration of my working week, and would mean he'd have to stay away. The next course is in the autumn.

I'm feeling really hurt, and pissed off, that he didn't think "Bob might need me around that week, I won't mention the course but will aim for the autumn one." Now he has mentioned it I feel like I'll be pissing on his chips and blocking his ambitions if I say I'd rather he didn't go. I can manage on my own, my mum lives near by and can help, it's more that I'd just like him to have actually thought about me. However, I suspect I do have form for playing the martyr, I'm full of cold, pre-menstrual and cross because he's using more annual leave this week to further the potential career move while I juggle the 2DCs (3.5 and 9months if that makes a difference) and Christmas prep. So, sorry if it's garbled but AIBU?

OP posts:

Hellmouth · 22/12/2016 09:16

YABU I think. It's just one week, and although it is your first week back at work, no sensible employer is going to expect you to hit the ground running.

i understand your fears about going back to work - I am due back at the beginning of January and really hate the thought of leaving DS. I have also just had my flexible work request denied so i'm fuming. Anyway . . . at least you have family who can help you if you need them, we don't have anyone :(

ChristmasTreeCat · 22/12/2016 09:20

I think (kindly) YABU. It's only a week. It'll be tough but if it potentially advances his career then it will benefit you all in the long run. 7 days. Get a countdown on. Get him to help make some meals for the freezer before he goes so you don't have to cook or worry about what to feed dc. When dc in bed, get a cup of camomile or decaf tea, sit down for half an hour and then get to bed. Don't try to do too much else. Have your clothes ironed and ready before he goes. Laundry can wait till he gets back.

My dh is away for 6 months at a time and only home 2 nights a week at best (military). It is tough but very doable.

DrDreReturns · 22/12/2016 09:24

YABU - let him take the course and get it out of the way.
I delayed a week long course once because the timing was inconvenient for DW once. Guess what, when the next opportunity came round the timing was also inconvenient and I couldn't postpone it again. If he does it now then it's out of the way.

eddielizzard · 22/12/2016 09:26

yanbu

you're a team, and going back to work is going to be stressful. given that it won't make a difference whether he does it in jan or autumn, why not wait till autumn when things have settled down?

i would talk to him and say it would be a lot easier if he did it in autumn because of all the changes happening.

i think that's a very reasonable compromise.

Velvetdarkness · 22/12/2016 09:26

Yanbu
Why can't he go in autumn?

PizzaPlease · 22/12/2016 09:27

No, I don't think you're unreasonable. This isn't just a big week for you, but for the kids too, you'll all be adjusting to you being back at work. I think that his first thought should have been for his little family unit. It all seems kind of thoughtless, like "Oh well, that's Bob's problem, she'll have to manage". Not what you guys need. If it had just been during the days then maybe but to be away for a week of overnights and using up annual leave? I feel like something like that should have definitely been discussed in theoreticals, if you can manage, if the kids are ready for him to be gone a whole week, if there were other reasons to use the annual leave. I can see his side too, wanting to do something for himself and something for his career, but the timing is pretty awful. Isn't there anything more local? If he had done it during your maternity leave you could have all gone and had a mini break!

BeaveredBadgered · 22/12/2016 09:29

Yanbu. Settling kids into childcare/change of routine can be very difficult and make them unsettled plus returning to work post mat leave can be hard and stressful. I'm returning to work in early Feb and feeling awful about it. I'll need the support from my DH. Why is it always women responsible for sucking it up and cracking on with difficult times solo with the kids?

Thurlow · 22/12/2016 09:30

If it makes no difference whether he goes now or goes in the Autumn, YANBU. He should go at the most convenient time for the family if he has a choice in the matter.

Of course you would have coped with the logistics etc in your second week back if you had to - but you don't really have to, so I don't think it's overly fair of him to make you do it when you don't have to.

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 22/12/2016 09:31

Yanbu

You've supported his career by taking the hit and being on mat leave, he should help you out on your return to work.

Having similar disagreement with DH who wants me to take annual leave on my first week back to go on holiday with MIL. I've told him he can go on his own and DS and I will go to work and nursery. I'd rather not use my annual leave to holiday with his Mum, and it will look really unprofessional trying to book holiday so soon after my mat leave ends.

drspouse · 22/12/2016 09:32

You don't seem that unreasonable to me. I transferred the last month of my mat leave to DH, partly so I could concentrate on getting back into work without worrying about DC, nursery settling in, housework, etc.

I did the same, 3 weeks plus a week's AL, and it helped SO much. Especially as we did this with our DC2 (it's less of a bother with just one DC).

NavyandWhite · 22/12/2016 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzySweeties · 22/12/2016 09:38

I don't think YABU. Facing a return to work after a long period is a big thing and you might want your DH around for emotional as much as practical support.

Having said that, I would let it go. Plan well in advance, get your mum to help as much as she can.

I remember going back to work was very daunting in the run-up, but at the end of the first day in the office I felt a lot more confident and by days 2-3, I was back in the swing and enjoying some baby-free time and using my brain in a different way etc. The thought of returning to work was scarier than actually doing it!

FourToTheFloor · 22/12/2016 09:39

Ffs I really despair at MN sometimes. No really, put yourself last again to support your dh who doesn't really need to do the course at this time

No wonder so many women are on AD, we're not allowed to ask or expect help from fucking anyone.

OP please tell your dh you need him home that week. My supportive dh took my first day off both times so that I at least could enjoy the first day back before the chaos.

Honestly those saying yabu make me so fucking glad for my dh and the fact I know how to ask AND expect help when I need it.

PoppyFleur · 22/12/2016 09:40

YANBU, as Thurlow explained perfectly in her post, of course you could cope if you had to but this isn't the case.

NavyandWhite · 22/12/2016 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzySweeties · 22/12/2016 09:43

PS It's entirely possible your DH just does not get that it's daunting returning to work. Even if you tell him, he may just not see or feel why it might be nerve-wracking. He might be focussing on just the practical side of things, and so he knows that your mum is around also it's week 2 not week 1 of return to work, so what's the problem?! kind of thing. My DH would probably be the same, not in a nasty way but just "but it'll all be fine, don't angst over everything" kind of way. He wouldn't think there was cause or need to make a thing out of it.

In the event, if your DH doesn't do the course, everything will go swimmingly of course and you'll both be sat on the sofa tapping your fingers of an evening whilst your DH grumps about why exactly did you "need" him to stay home that week because look, everything is absolutely fine?! It's sod's law that that week would be completely uneventful in every way if your DH stayed at home.

Heatherbell1978 · 22/12/2016 09:46

I'm torn on this. I guess it depends how committed he is to this career change and how beneficial it would be for you as a family? I've been trying to get DH to do a certain qualification for 4 years now which would definitely help him and I'm tearing my hair out with his 'not getting round to it'. He'd complete it in 6 months if he got his finger out. Meantime we've had 1 DC and another due soon.

So I'm inclined to say YABU when I think about my DH. But I agree he should have talked to you a bit about it first.

DameDeDoubtance · 22/12/2016 09:48

YANBU, at all!

Who does he assume will sort out childcare, you I guess. the trouble is that when a woman has maternity leave men don't have to think about childcare, when the women return to work they continue not to care.

He needs to be doing as much childcare as you, which includes thinking about it, organising it etc, not just swanning off when he wants to.

It's bloody difficult returning to work, you've supported him so that he doesn't have to worry about who is caring for his child, now he needs to support you in your first week.

Original poster

BobTheCob · 22/12/2016 09:49

Of course I can cope! I'm not a total bloody princess. DH has been away many times and I've managed fine on my own with the children. It's more why does he have to do it at a really stressful time for me, when it would have been nice if he'd thought it through a bit more. Especially as the timing of the course won't make a difference.

OP posts:

DameDeDoubtance · 22/12/2016 09:50

Navy maybe if women didn't just cope and get on with it then men would think a bit more and take responsibility.

Oly5 · 22/12/2016 09:52

If your mum is around you can cope with a week can't you? I do understand how you feel but you've
probably just got return to work angst, which will disappear once you're into the swing of things

NavyandWhite · 22/12/2016 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourToTheFloor · 22/12/2016 09:59

Navy spectacularly missing my point.

OP has said she wants her dh around. Then posters like you say well you'll just have to cope I did so look how wonderful I am. Is it so fucking unreasonable for the OP to ask for help from her dh??

Surely the answer is no.

She's not saying don't ever do it, just not at this time when it doesn't suit her.

FourToTheFloor · 22/12/2016 10:00

Well said Dame.

Why she she just have to cope??

BoffinMum · 22/12/2016 10:02

I don't think he understands how daunting it is to go back to work after having a baby. If he was my DH I would tell him this was going to be too much and he needs to postpone the course.

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