DH and my post-mat leave return to work

[BobTheCob]

I really have no idea if I'm being unreasonable here. I'm due to return to work after almost a year of maternity leave and am, understandably I think, not entirely looking forward to it. I know it'll be fine once I get there, but I'm sad to be leaving my children, daunted by the logistics and worried I've forgotten everything I once knew.

My DH recently announced that there's a course he'd like to go on, that could potentially help him with a possible career move, that he isn't definitely going to make and which would be some years in the future if he does. The course is due to start the week after I go back to work, lasts the duration of my working week, and would mean he'd have to stay away. The next course is in the autumn.

I'm feeling really hurt, and pissed off, that he didn't think "Bob might need me around that week, I won't mention the course but will aim for the autumn one." Now he has mentioned it I feel like I'll be pissing on his chips and blocking his ambitions if I say I'd rather he didn't go. I can manage on my own, my mum lives near by and can help, it's more that I'd just like him to have actually thought about me. However, I suspect I do have form for playing the martyr, I'm full of cold, pre-menstrual and cross because he's using more annual leave this week to further the potential career move while I juggle the 2DCs (3.5 and 9months if that makes a difference) and Christmas prep. So, sorry if it's garbled but AIBU?

All these posts about advancing his career, you have said waiting until the autumn makes no difference. I'd be having a discussion about why it needs to be now. You aren't stopping him, just delaying it until a better time.

It's not unreasonable to expect a bit of consideration from your partner for fucks sake. She's not trying to prevent him from fulfilling his career ambitions, she isn't saying she doesn't want him to do the course at all, she's just a bit hurt that it didn't occur to him that she could do with some help that week.

Yes, OP would "cope" without her DH, clearly. But that's not the point. If he had to go away for some unavoidable reason or not doing so would be detrimental to his career then fair enough but that's not the case. This course isn't compulsory, nor does it have to be completed urgently. OP has been very clear that waiting until the autumn would not have a negative impact on her DH's career, he just doesn't want to wait. Well guess what, sometimes we have to wait for things. Women put their careers on the back burner for childcare reasons all the time and if they complain about being disadvantaged in the workplace the response is usually "well, you chose to have kids". OP's DH also chose to have kids and it wouldn't do him any harm whatsoever to wait a few months to do this course in order to support his wife on her return to work.

I'm really disappointed at the number of posters who are berating OP for having the audacity to question whether maybe, just maybe, her needs and feelings should be taken into consideration too!

I agree with Four, there's a huge amount of internalised misogyny on this thread.

The OP has just put her career entirely on hold for a year which allowed her husband to work without having to worry at all about childcare. But now that she wants a fraction of the same support she's unreasonable.

What really takes the cake is the attitude that while the husband advances his career another woman (OP's mother) can easily step in to take on his role as parent. Cos that's what women are for eh?

Frenchknitting - you were very lucky to have someone at home to have dinner on the table for you. I know things can (and do) become challenging on the return to work - I've done it 3 times (with 2 of my 3 kids being bottlerefusnik's who reverse cycled and a OH who works longer hours, often away from home for days on end with work) and did suggest OP's family or friends be enlisted to help.

I suspect the issue here is more to do with OP's husband's lack of consultation with, and consideration for, the OP. OP - does your DH know how you feel about returning to work? What was his response to delaying the course till autumn?

I'm reasonably confident if I asked him to he would postpone the course, although he's now saying he doesn't know when the next one is, having previously told me it was in the autumn. He is good about doing things if I specifically ask him, he's less good if we discuss a general situation and how organising things might be tricky. I think my real point was that I'd just like him to think of me, and that it would put our family in a tricky situation, rather than my having to spell it out. Of course I'd cope, which he knows, but why should I have to when there's an alternative that would be easier for the rest of us and of no real detriment to him.

Sparrowhawk- there's no suggestion the OP was coerced into having a whole year off! She could have taken a shorted ML or transferred some leave to her dh. My understanding is that the mother has to be the one to make the decision to transfer leave- the baby's father has no automatic right to take it! It's stretching things a bit far to try to make out that she's making sacrifices when she's clearly opted to take extended leave

Btw im confused about he knows almost a year in advance that the training will run next autumn and he could have a place then, but only had a couple of weeks notice about training next month

The possible career move is a relatively new idea and he only heard that the course existed a few weeks ago.

OP - I think I cross posted with your update response. I do think your DH should have consulted with you before booking on the course as its entirely optional for him so I change my earlier response from YABU to YANBU. Perhaps its time for a sensible, calm chat with your DH about how the family dynamics will change with your return to work and how to ensure things work as smoothly as possible (including consulting about booking days off for courses etc for both of you)?

it does sound as though he is of the mindset the DC are your concern and he isn't constrained much. Just sit him down and say that this week isn't going to work. for all the reasons mentioned. Doesn't he want to have the option to look after poorly DC2 if they've caught colds by the second week (like both mine have when starting nursery).

Fourtothefloor Although I agreed with you that OP WNBU, I did still think it was probably ok for him to do the course as she'll have help, etc. Having read your post, it has definitely shifted me further towards not only is she NBU, which I already thought, but also that why should she have to cope or somehow make it work?

I think it is ingrained in a lot of women that they are conditioned to pick up the pieces, and the crumbs, and tackle a problem by paying for it out of their own happiness/wellbeing, rather than throwing it back and saying No, it doesn't suit me, it doesn't suit the children. It's optional, and changeable, so option to change it.

OP - as before, YANBU and also I would just tell him it doesn't suit, the whole family will be adjusting and he can do it next autumn to no detriment to his long-term plan which is what it's for. And next time can he have a think how things fit in with you and the children before ploughing ahead.

My DH is brilliant but he can be selfish, if I don't stick up for myself. Often I don't, recently I did and he was a bit arsey but then I noticed he has been treating me far less selfishly since and has been saying quite a few things where he is seeing things from my POV, my struggles, my stresses etc. Sometimes you have to be tell it like it is and not 'suck it up' even if you can, you don't have to.

Do you think that for the OP's contribution to caring for the children has to have been coerced in order to count monstermonchgirl? Regardless of whether she did it voluntarily or not, it still meant her DH could carry on working without dealing with childcare.

Exactly Fizzy why should we just have to cope when there is a perfectly capable other parent to help.

I think some women see themselves as strong for just cracking on and assume others will too. I see a door mat.

And while I said upthread my dh is supportive he does have lapses of male selfishness that can creep up if I don't tell him when I need him.

I think it's a no brainer that he waits and does it next time, why should the op be even more stressed on her first week back than she needs to be for something that can be done in the next 2 years... or possibly even 3-5 years!

Sparrowhawk - I was simply responding to your post which implied that the OP was making some huge gesture by 'putting her career oh hold for a year'. My point is that a year's ML is extended leave- no one is forced to take that long, and indeed women have for the last 18 months or so had the right to transfer some of the leave to the baby's dad.
If you look at my posting history you'll see I'm the last person to hold misogynist views.... I see women and men as equally capable and equally responsible and I can't be doing with the assumption that the man's career comes first and that the woman's role is to facilitate it. I was purely making the point that if the return after ML was potentially a pressure point, the OP could have gone back a few weeks earlier so as not to coincide with the course, or transferred some leave to the dh while she eased back into work.
The take up of shared parental leave is shockingly low, and it does seem that in some cases, however much women say they want equality, they don't actually want to hand over some of the responsibility

YABU - life doesn't go on hold because you're going back to work or on mat leave. I understand you're apprehensive - can you get family or friends to stay to help out at home in the evenings that first week back?

Interesting that you use the word 'you' not 'him' here. I'm not sure whether you mean you singular or plural, but even assuming the latter that still suggests DH isn't fully responsible for mitigating the impact of his decision. Now even if you think OP is BU, what possible reason could there be for suggesting it isn't DH's job to sort?

Right so it's the OP's responsibility to sort it out monstermonchgirl? Even though she's only just heard about the course?

Joint responsibility all the way ... if I was having my children now I'd be jumping at the chance to transfer some leave to my dh - he'd get one on one time with the kids and I'd have a smoother return to work-
Win win

Important to discuss all kinds or stuff after mat leave, and make sure the set up is fair. IME men who don't take parental leave and who are into or expected to work long hours etc for their iobs can get too used to a SAHw and not get it when things change. It took DH a while both times, grr! And he's pretty good compared to the other men we know.

Eg how much annual leave is it reasonable for you each to use for personal stuff or career development? (This becomes an even bigger issue once DC are school age). Taking time off if DC ill. Drop offs and pick ups.

You're continuing to imply that the OP is in the wrong for not transferring leave monstermonchgirl. Given that the DH won't even stick around for the week the OP goes back to work I'm not sure he'd be bothered about actually staying at home for weeks/months.

OP has been quite clear that DH only found about the course a few weeks ago and the career change is a recent idea. It was one thing to suggest OP should have been willing to transfer leave to allow him to do it when she hadn't told us how recent it was, quite another to maintain it now in the face of that knowledge.

"The course is due to start the week after I go back to work,"

So you'd have a week of him there as you return to work and then he goes the following week? Or is he going away on the day you go back to work?

I think it's time you both put your career first not his. You are the one going back to work. let sunny Jim let his career take a back seat. I put my mine first and ended up earning an awful lot and having a lovely life. It always pays off. Also when it's clear the higher earner female career comes first much easier to get the man to chase home to collect children from nursery etc.

bob. It's notbtgat he isn't thinking if you. Itsvthe fact that he doesn't feel involved dd or remotely responsible for all that is coming with you going back to work.
So he doesn't think about it. Just like he won't think about,let's say organising your hobby or meeting up with your friends.