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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and my post-mat leave return to work

100 replies

BobTheCob · 22/12/2016 08:33

I really have no idea if I'm being unreasonable here. I'm due to return to work after almost a year of maternity leave and am, understandably I think, not entirely looking forward to it. I know it'll be fine once I get there, but I'm sad to be leaving my children, daunted by the logistics and worried I've forgotten everything I once knew.

My DH recently announced that there's a course he'd like to go on, that could potentially help him with a possible career move, that he isn't definitely going to make and which would be some years in the future if he does. The course is due to start the week after I go back to work, lasts the duration of my working week, and would mean he'd have to stay away. The next course is in the autumn.

I'm feeling really hurt, and pissed off, that he didn't think "Bob might need me around that week, I won't mention the course but will aim for the autumn one." Now he has mentioned it I feel like I'll be pissing on his chips and blocking his ambitions if I say I'd rather he didn't go. I can manage on my own, my mum lives near by and can help, it's more that I'd just like him to have actually thought about me. However, I suspect I do have form for playing the martyr, I'm full of cold, pre-menstrual and cross because he's using more annual leave this week to further the potential career move while I juggle the 2DCs (3.5 and 9months if that makes a difference) and Christmas prep. So, sorry if it's garbled but AIBU?

OP posts:
BeaveredBadgered · 22/12/2016 10:03

I think it shouldn't have been a decision for him to take alone. OP having her mum for support being her DHs 'deciding factor' is really strange. Why wouldn't he just ask her thoughts on whether he should do the course considering all factors (timing, support available etc).
I really don't understand how decisions like this can be made by one person in a relationship with kids involved.
My DH has a difficult, involved job but at home we discuss anything that will impact our family and agree on the approach. I think I ask for very little but then we support each other and can sense when the other just needs a bit more slack.

NavyandWhite · 22/12/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scallopsrgreat · 22/12/2016 10:08

But surely it should be a joint decision, Navy? Not his decision. If you are planning to do something with will require putting an extra burden on the other person, especially at an already stressful time, then it isn't your sole decision. And it is pretty selfish to make that decision without your partner being involved.

A poster up thread asked who will be expected to sort out the child care for that week. Will he?

And what will his reaction be if you say, "actually I'd appreciate it if you could do the autumn course"?

Oly5 · 22/12/2016 10:10

Hang on, this works both ways. Nobody is saying all women just have to cope while men do what they like. My DH "copes" very often.. X when I'm away from work for a week, when I am visiting sick relatives.
I for one was just trying to give the op some perspective. I am always anxious about returning after mat leave but it's never as bad as I fear. And with my mum around to help it would all be fine.
If the OP is so annoyed why doesn't she just tell DH to shift it to the Autumn?

TheSparrowhawk · 22/12/2016 10:11

YABU, how dare you expect support! Your husband has been very good to allow you to have his children - you can't expect him to actually take any responsibility for them! His career and his ambitions must come before everything else. I raised 12 children while my husband went to war and my leg was hanging off. God you're such a princess. You are there to serve everybody else, you're not supposed to have any needs at all. KNOW YOUR PLACE!!

timeisnotaline · 22/12/2016 10:11

YANBU yes as pps have said many husbands are away all the time , but I wouldn't marry anyone in the army etc because that's not the life for me. My dh was on standby to do the bulk of the days home with sick child etc when I first went back so i didn't give a 'only half here now she's a mum' Impression as I got back into it. And no way in hell did I feel like I'd never left the second week back. His going in this course is an investment by you in his career : family money ,you taking over his share of parenting, his using holiday time . Unless some serious reason either career or timing why this has to be now, those weeks are a period where the family aka your dh should be investing in you, to settle back into work. You get a say in how the family invests its energy time and money, and he hasn't considered that or you.

CharlieSierra · 22/12/2016 10:12

Of course I can cope! I'm not a total bloody princess. DH has been away many times and I've managed fine on my own with the children. It's more why does he have to do it at a really stressful time for me, when it would have been nice if he'd thought it through a bit more. Especially as the timing of the course won't make a difference

He's making it clear at the outset who is the important one isn't he. Tell him straight, draw your boundaries. You are going back to work and you expect him to step up, this is simply unacceptable.

BeaveredBadgered · 22/12/2016 10:13

Xmas Grin Sparrow sums this thread up perfectly

NavyandWhite · 22/12/2016 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarjorieSimpson · 22/12/2016 10:21

YANBU and YABU at the same time.
Yes you are both thinking of yourselves there so in that way YABU. And yes it's about work and advancing his career.

But at the same time YANBU.
Because yes he can wait until September. Doing the course in 6 months time will not affect his prospects for his career.
Yes it's about work but so is your return to work from ML. Asking you to cope with the return to work in the less ideal circumstances isn't great IMO. It reminds me of DH that always found something really important to do at key times such as a return to work. It has ALWAYS being a way to get out of the situation and not be involved in what he knew would be a stressful situation.
Your description of your return to work is all about how YOU are going to have to juggle to children drop offs etc... what bout him? Is he not going to have to juggle too and do some of those? What is he planning to organise so that all those drops off, bed time etc... are done wo putting any unnecessary strain on you (if they are his responsibility, then in my books, it's up to him to organise something o they still happen. It's not up to you to have to shoulder everything and find a new organisation. That's assuming that he does indeed participate in the whole 'looking after the dcs and house' when you are back to work....)

The question is basically, if in this first week back to work, you had to go to do some training to get up to speed again and go away for a week, would he cope? Would he expect you to organise everything so it's not too hard for him or would he expect yu to go away wo a backward glance?

As yu said yourself, you can cope and it's only a week. It's the way he is handling it and how Brazy he is that I have an issue with. It's not the same to say 'I am going to do xx.' Which also implies, though if you find it hard, get on with it. And asking you if you were happy with him going away no what could he do to make it easier.

DameDeDoubtance · 22/12/2016 10:22

Hmm Sparrow I am assuming you have two legs but here you are whining about one hanging off, tut tut.

MarjorieSimpson · 22/12/2016 10:24

And btw, I'm [sock] at the number of women who basically are telling the OP to suck it up and get on with it.

I'm pretty sure most of those women ARE doing exactely that.

It doesn't mean it's right.

And as so many threads on M!N have shown before, when things are the other way around and it's the woman who wants to go away, then there are always calls to make it easier for the poor man at home on his own, and don't you know how hard it is etc...

Respect for the other partner goes both ways.
And I cant see any respect for the OP there. Nor can I see any sense of responsibility for the running of the house and the dcs from her DH.

SilentBatperson · 22/12/2016 10:25

Obviously YANBU. It's legitimate to be upset that he hasn't shown any evidence of even thinking about you, and that he's effectively obliging you to take responsibility for deciding when he does it and thus any consequences. So the posts saying you'll manage are entirely missing the point.

None of this is to say that he should necessarily delay, either. Depends on circumstances, it might still be the best thing for you as a family.

MarjorieSimpson · 22/12/2016 10:27

Sparrow missed your post somehow.
That's a perfect summary of the situation.

witsender · 22/12/2016 10:30

Yanbu. Your going back to work, childcare etc is not just a challenge for you. It's a rejuggle for all of you, surely he needs to be involved too? Or does his life just continue as usual while yours undergoes a massive change?

If the career change isn't for a ages anyway, why does it have to be now?

I would just say "I've been thinking about the course, we're going to be really full on that week with my return to work, kids, getting into a routine with cooking etc."

AnneElliott · 22/12/2016 10:34

I don't think YABU op. As others have said, who is going to sort the childcare while he's away?

DH is a bit like this - always disappearing when there's work to be done. It 'a one of the reasons I only had I kid!

lozzylizzy · 22/12/2016 10:36

Stories like this go two ways, either who has it worst or who has the best life, kids etc......usually by the same person in different circumstances! HAHAHA!

You know what its crap timing but send him off with a wave and a smile otherwise he will still end up going but you will feel angry and it will be counterproductive. Just remember to make sure you fulfil your potential too if a course etc ever comes up

dinkystinky · 22/12/2016 10:37

YABU - life doesn't go on hold because you're going back to work or on mat leave. I understand you're apprehensive - can you get family or friends to stay to help out at home in the evenings that first week back?

Lovewineandchocs · 22/12/2016 10:46

OP how much annual leave will he have left if he takes a week for the course? If he waits until autumn will that be within the same leave year? If not, that could be a point to consider?

alotlikeChristmas16 · 22/12/2016 10:47

YANBU - getting the hang of getting out the house and juggling after work dinners with 2 DC who will presumably q likely be sick by the 2nd week (it being january and dc2 being new to nursery) isn't that easy. Yes your mum CAN support you but why should it have to be her? Especially as the course doesn't need to happen now. Assuming you're done having DC, this is the last return to work you'll do, so I can't see why it can't be pushed back.

SolomanDaisy · 22/12/2016 10:52

YANBU. And the 'I coped with 17 children and living in a cardboard box and happily waved my DH off to three weeks all inclusive holiday using my own savings whilst in labour cos men need a break' lot are.

Munstermonchgirl · 22/12/2016 10:53

I think both of you have a point. What I can't understand is why you haven't sorted out some kind of compromise... e.g. You could have transferred the last month or two of parental leave over to your dh so he could have been home full time while you eased back into work, and then him being away wouldn't be such a big deal for a week.
this isn't ideal timing but on the other hand you've gone back before, as this is your 2nd ML, so you know you can cope, you also mention you have your mum nearby who will help, so TBH I would accept that he's going on the course in January, you will all benefit as it will further his career, but like I say, I don't understand why you didn't ease yourself back in, either by returning a little earlier or transferring some leave to him

frenchknitting · 22/12/2016 10:57

Dinkystinky - you say that life doesn't stop when you go back after maternity leave.... but it does a bit, for a while, unless you are really lucky. E.g. the first month or so that children are in nursery, they are highly likely to be home sick loads while they build their immune systems. In my experience, breastfed babies revert back to wanting fed more overnight while they get used to the change. All the routines for stuff around the house go out the window...

These things all sort themselves out pretty quickly, but it is daft not to plan for a period of distribution.

My first months back after mat leave my bottle refuser wanted bf every 2 hours all night, I was out the house for work 6am - 6pm, and he got sent home from nursery 50% of the time. If I was coming home to zero support rather than a cooked dinner on the table it would have been horrendous.

SeaCabbage · 22/12/2016 10:58

What is his response when you suggest that the autumn course would be a better fit for your family needs?

LongHardStare · 22/12/2016 11:06

YANBU and it is really sad to see so many on here telling you to just get on with it.

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