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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend ALL my inheritance on my wedding?!

137 replies

December2016 · 21/12/2016 20:40

I've NC'd for this as the circumstances are outy but I'm a long timer.

My DP and I are getting married next summer. It's not going to be a huge extravagant thing but we between us have a lot of family and friends- the guest list is currently at 130- so it's not going to be cheap either; we're aiming to keep it around the £10k mark which is pretty good value for a Home Counties summer wedding with a nice church and reception venue with halfway decent food. We're paying for it ourselves with family contributions here and there (my Mum is paying for my dress, his parents are paying for the cake and photographer- we've got mates rates on both).

At the moment we're living in DP's flat which he has on a shared ownership help to buy mortgage. We don't have a joint bank account, I just transfer him £500 a month. At the moment that money is going into our wedding fund, and he's adding another £100 himself, so we're saving £600 a month together.
Here the bit I'm not too happy about. My DGM passed away in April and left me £5000. When we found out how much she had left me (which was after we got engaged) DP said something along the lines of 'ok, well that'll get us halfway to our target.' and at the time I didn't think to argue. Since then it's just been taken for granted that all my inheritance would be going into the wedding fund.
After a long probate process, the money landed in my account today. And the more I think about it (which I have been quite a bit recently to be fair), the more I feel quite resentful at the idea of spending it all on the wedding- it's the only inheritance I'll ever have and I could do so many other things with it- pay off my student loan for example, or learn to drive- both of which DP has already done. When I've brought this up to DP he's pointed out that a- without it we'd have to save up for at least another year to be able to afford the wedding we want, and since I'm refusing to have kids before we're married and I'm already 31 we don't really have oodles of time to play with, plus we've already booked and paid deposits and sent out save the dates, and b- that when he eventually gets some inheritance all of that is going to go towards our future too. I do see what he means, but I still feel a bit annoyed about this and I don't really know what to do. Any advice?

OP posts:

honeylulu · 21/12/2016 23:29

you put in £500 a month and he puts in £100 to save the first 5k, and then you put in another 5k? Basically DP will be paying £833 of the total 10k towards your wedding then.
No, badg3r! The DP is paying for ALL his and her living expenses. Being supported in this way enables OP to save 500 a month for the wedding BECAUSE SHE IS GETTING A FREE RIDE. That's ok if the couple considers all funds as "our money" but it seems OP only sees it like that until she is expected to share "her money".

QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 23:47

The DP is paying for ALL his and her living expenses. Being supported in this way enables OP to save 500 a month for the wedding BECAUSE SHE IS GETTING A FREE RIDE. That's ok if the couple considers all funds as "our money" but it seems OP only sees it like that until she is expected to share "her money".

Fair enough.

It sounds as though the OP wants a particular lifestyle and big wedding but doesnt want to pay for it.

flupi · 21/12/2016 23:53

It's perhaps the sentimental aspect of the money coming from your dgm, in which case don't spend it on your wedding - or spend some on your wedding and bank the rest until you decide what to do with it. It's nice to have something in her memory I.e a piano! or something like that- solid that will last.
Mind you I think it's mad to spend so much on a wedding- I thought people were being more creative about the whole thing now- ?!
Absolutely do not use it to pay off your student loan- that really doesn't make financial sense.
I personally think its a good thing to have a bit of financial independence. Imagine each other knowing exactly how much you spend on stuff-
And please learn to drive- you may not need it now which is great but its certainly a skill you should have, particularly with children.

mygorgeousmilo · 21/12/2016 23:56

I'm sorry but you sound like you can't afford 10k on a wedding! If you have student loans, need to learn to drive et. Etc then 10k sounds ridiculous! My husband and I went down the registry office with a few witnesses and have had a wonderful marriage. We paid off all our debts in the year we got married, from then on have had kids and also countless lovely holidays. I think it's a real waste of money if you don't have it to spare. Spend the money on round the world tickets and see if you still want to get married after you've travelled together?

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 21/12/2016 23:58

I'm spending mine on our wedding. My nana would have been all for it, my only regret is that she won't be there.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 21/12/2016 23:58

How much deposit did DP put down for his shared ownership house? You will benefit from it if he did, so only fair that DP benefits from your money too.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/12/2016 06:04

Could you buy your wedding dress with some of the money so you would feel like your grandma treated you to it?
Also if you have a big Irish family most of that money will come back in generous gifts, mostly cash let's be honest. So could you continue to save like mad, then loan any outstanding money needed to wedding fund with the understanding that you get a bit back if gifts allow.
Your dh is already bringing a house deposit to the table. Fair for you to bring inheritance. You, personally seem to have very definite ideas of what you want so only right you should pay your share.

Bagina · 22/12/2016 06:34

It is all about the sentimentality of the money. If it was a tax rebate it would be a simple 'put it in joint pot', but an inheritance is different. I kept a bit of my inheritance back for me. Dh was fine with this. I did spend most of it on family needs though.

Identify something that you want, maybe a holiday of a lifetime? Could be used as a honeymoon? Or the driving lessons? And reserve a bit for that.

Going forward, I agree with a pp; don't just bung him 500 per month. Have a spreadsheet of all outgoings so it can be seen that you're paying your way properly.

Cut back on the wedding as much as you can. It's a marriage not a wedding.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2016 06:43

Just tell him you'd rather not bung the whole lot on the wedding. Maybe offer half of it to the wedding pot, and keep the rest in reserve for other things, or for your student loan or similar.

Talk to him about finances in general as well.

And 31? FFS, you're hardly in your dotage - you've easily got several years left to have children assuming no problems and normal fertility! That's a bit of a red herring and designed to pressure you into falling in with his plans and schedules.

Just be a bit careful here - open up this can and see if contains worms or beans.

Bumbleclat · 22/12/2016 07:03

Be careful with lavish weddings.
Ours was £2000 all up and we couldn't be happier.
We have friends who remortgaged for theirs and it just took one sentence "Im bored of you" for the whole thing to be over 2 years later.
You'd be better off buying property imho.

icecreamfairy · 22/12/2016 07:09

From what you've said it sounds like your DP is already thinking very much along the lines of joint finances, whereas you still feel that the inheritance is 'yours'?

Is your DP likely to inherit any money in the future? In say 10, 20 or 30 years time, will you feel like it's 'his' inheritance, or will it be considered joint?

Whether or not you want to spend £10k on one day is entirely up to you - to some people this is a huge amount, but to others it's perfectly reasonable. Certainly I can't imagine not being able to drive and the freedom and independence that gives me, so if that's important to you I'd be looking to do that as soon as possible .

neonrainbow · 22/12/2016 07:34

So basically he's subsidising you and saving up for the wedding by himself while you sit on £5k? If the guy was posting id tell him to rethink this whole marriage thing.

MargaretCavendish · 22/12/2016 07:40

Ours was £2000 all up and we couldn't be happier.
We have friends who remortgaged for theirs and it just took one sentence "Im bored of you" for the whole thing to be over 2 years later.

And I know a couple who spent £1k on theirs and split up in six months. OP's relationship either is or isn't strong enough to endure as a marriage; what they spend on the wedding isn't going to transform it from one to the other.

Therealbridgetjones · 22/12/2016 07:47

It sounds like moving the wedding would be a bad idea if you already have things booked, most likely you'll lose money this way.

Can't you spread the cost of any of the wedding a bit longer and borrow a loan or interest free credit card to pay it off after the big day? If you're disciplined and it sounds like you are this shouldn't be a problem - if it's only £1000 or so.

What is your monthly income and outgoings? To be honest if £500 and some food are your only real expenditure then you're getting a good deal. Are you definitely cutting back to save?

As for the money I would learn to drive. It's very expensive and it will be difficult to do that in the future, especially after kids come along.

Summerwood1 · 22/12/2016 07:47

Total waste of money. You don't need to spend money that amount on a wedding. We married in a church with a handful of close people and went for a nice meal after.

MargaretCavendish · 22/12/2016 07:54

Can't you spread the cost of any of the wedding a bit longer and borrow a loan or interest free credit card to pay it off after the big day?

I think her fiance is - quite rightly - going to object to them taking out a joint loan while she just has the money sat in the bank!

errorofjudgement · 22/12/2016 08:00

Op you sound very immature.
You have moved in with your partner and contribute £500 pcm towards your share of the household costs.
You have set up & arranged a wedding, booked the venue, & sent save the date cards to 130 people.
You knew the cost, you knew (and agreed) how it was to be funded, but now the cash has come through, you've got greedy and don't want to meet your share, but still want the big wedding.
Frankly you sound like a teenager not a 31 year old.

ClarkL · 22/12/2016 08:11

I think you ABU to with-hold the £5k. He's covering all household bills and saving £100 so thats not easy.

If driving is important to you, which I agree with all posters here it is why not jointly agree to ask for driving lessons as a wedding present? That way both elements are covered without delaying the wedding.

EnormousTiger · 22/12/2016 08:23

This is for the two of you to sort out. If you intend not to work
"When we have kids, if he's earning enough I'll be a SAHM, if he's not then I'll work." then clearly keeping him happy and being married are the key aims. Once you are married even though the shared ownership property and everything else is in his name it won't matter as on divorce things are shared if married (not if you're not married). However I would get the property transferred into joint names once you are married although you then pay stamp duty on his half of the mortgage debt which is a nuisance.

Why aren't you planning to work? I earned 10x my other half and worked. Why do you earn less than he does or think you not he should be at home with a baby?

Gallavich · 22/12/2016 08:28

Where is the rest of your salary going if you only pay £500 towards living costs?

tiej · 22/12/2016 08:30

I think you are being unfair, it reminds me of an old saying,

'What's yours is mine and what's mine's me own.'

EnormousTiger · 22/12/2016 08:32

(The wedding sounds lovely and a quarter of the cost os many weddings that size in the SE by the way but it's not true it costs a lot of marry in a church by the way. It is the other things people add on that make it expensive. C of E is about £500 and Catholic churches will ask for a voluntary donation waived if you are not well off but will also charge for the licence fee - but still only a fairly small amount)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/12/2016 08:39

I forgot to mention that DP will be putting his work bonus towards it too

Well that is unfair then tbh.

You expect him to put his bonus in but not your inheritance.

You need to compromise. You either put his bonus and the equivalent of your inheritance in or you put neither in.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2016 08:46

Your £5,000 inheritance will not go very far, OP, if your dh takes the same attitude to money as you, and won't let you use any of "his" money when you say you want to be a SAHM. You don't seem to be in an appropriate mindset for marriage at the moment, tbh. You are still thinking of paying off your student debt and not knowing how to drive as your problem. When married, your debt and your inability to drive are an issue for both of you. You will likely find it a pain and quite isolating not being able to drive when you have a baby to lug around and your dh will find it a pain having to be your chauffeur. Have a serious conversation about finances, property ownership and priorities with your dp, rather than swanning around thinking you are just saving up for a big party.

IrenetheQuaint · 22/12/2016 08:51

So you were originally happy to spend your inheritance on the wedding - in fact you wouldn't be able to afford the wedding without it - but now you're getting cold feet?

Honestly I do feel for your fiance in this; he's covering the whole mortgage and bills and living very frugally so you can save for the wedding, plus putting his bonus in, so it's not like he's expecting you to contribute more than he is.

It sounds like your granny would have loved you to get married, so I think you should make peace with spending her money on the day. Otherwise I'm not sure what your options are, apart from cancelling/downscaling the wedding?

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