To not want to spend ALL my inheritance on my wedding?!

[December2016]

I've NC'd for this as the circumstances are outy but I'm a long timer.

My DP and I are getting married next summer. It's not going to be a huge extravagant thing but we between us have a lot of family and friends- the guest list is currently at 130- so it's not going to be cheap either; we're aiming to keep it around the £10k mark which is pretty good value for a Home Counties summer wedding with a nice church and reception venue with halfway decent food. We're paying for it ourselves with family contributions here and there (my Mum is paying for my dress, his parents are paying for the cake and photographer- we've got mates rates on both).

At the moment we're living in DP's flat which he has on a shared ownership help to buy mortgage. We don't have a joint bank account, I just transfer him £500 a month. At the moment that money is going into our wedding fund, and he's adding another £100 himself, so we're saving £600 a month together.
Here the bit I'm not too happy about. My DGM passed away in April and left me £5000. When we found out how much she had left me (which was after we got engaged) DP said something along the lines of 'ok, well that'll get us halfway to our target.' and at the time I didn't think to argue. Since then it's just been taken for granted that all my inheritance would be going into the wedding fund.
After a long probate process, the money landed in my account today. And the more I think about it (which I have been quite a bit recently to be fair), the more I feel quite resentful at the idea of spending it all on the wedding- it's the only inheritance I'll ever have and I could do so many other things with it- pay off my student loan for example, or learn to drive- both of which DP has already done. When I've brought this up to DP he's pointed out that a- without it we'd have to save up for at least another year to be able to afford the wedding we want, and since I'm refusing to have kids before we're married and I'm already 31 we don't really have oodles of time to play with, plus we've already booked and paid deposits and sent out save the dates, and b- that when he eventually gets some inheritance all of that is going to go towards our future too. I do see what he means, but I still feel a bit annoyed about this and I don't really know what to do. Any advice?

[acquiescence]

I would not consider prioritising paying off the student loan. The interest is minimal on that, I think of it as another small tax (and currently do not pay it at all as I only work 2.5 days- if you plan to be a sahm you will not pay it at all and may never need to pay it off).

I would consider revising your approach to finances- for example, getting a joint account for bills and mortgage and putting money into there. It sounds like there is an earnings discrepancy between you and this can lead to resentment after a while. Is your name going to be put on the mortgage?

I would put some of the money towards the wedding, maybe £2k, and prioritise learning to drive and getting a little car.

[acquiescence]

Also you could consider an interest free credit card. We took out around £3k on one as the wedding costs spiralled and paid it off over the next year at around £300 a month. If you are saving £600 a month between you now then this is should be easy. I would usually be of the opinion that it is better to save the money first rather than borrow, spend and repay but we also wanted to get married to start ttc sooner rather than later and it all worked out well.

[itsbetterthanabox]

Is that the wedding you really want?
Do you need that many guests?

[golfbuggy]

Whilst I fully support OP's right to have whatever style of wedding she wants, I can't help thinking that a couple who can only save £600 a month by adopting a frugal lifestyle that is not sustainable long term, have bitten off more than they can chew.

Without the inheritance (and DP's bonus) at that rate it would take 17 months to save enough - and that's assuming no unexpected expenses arise.

I think it's interesting that OP is thinking about her inheritance along the lines of "I could do so much more with that money than just put it in the wedding fund .." but is not thinking the same about the amount of general saving that is going on, to which the same reasoning presumably applies?

I think this is really a conversation about one day taking up such a large proportion of the couple's limited funds.

[parumpapumpuuum]

If you contribute £5k then I'd be saying to my partner "ok so how are you footing the other £5k?"

But in reality I'd NEVER be told how to use my inheritance. I'd rather get rid of DP than be told how I spend my money

[Trifleorbust]

Given he is covering the major living expenses I think it is reasonable to expect you to put this lump sum into the joint pot. I don't know why inheritances are treated differently on MN to other money but I see it as just more family money. You are benefiting from his earnings so why shouldn't he benefit from your inheritance?

[YelloDraw]

I think YABU.

Sounds like he is paying a lot more towards the joint pot than you are. If you consider his earnings to be 'family money' then why not your inheritance?

Also WTF are you spending the rest of your income on if you are only paying £500 on living costs?

[Man10]

If you contribute £5k then I'd be saying to my partner "ok so how are you footing the other £5k?"

The other 5K is coming from him. It's unlikely the £500 a month she pays him covers a half-share of their joint living costs.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

But in reality I'd NEVER be told how to use my inheritance. I'd rather get rid of DP than be told how I spend my money

That's fine. She however should not expect him to put his bonus in. After all, fair is fair.

[Man10]

Also, apologies for the stereotyping, but I suspect the 10K they are blowing on a wedding is mainly for her benefit.

[piddleypower]

130 is a really big wedding, you are lucky to get that for 10k.

Definitely dont pay off the student loan, you don't need to - read what Martin Lewis says on this. Do learn to drive before you have kids otherwise you won't get around to it. Buy yourself something nice with the inheritance like a nice piece of jewellery that you will always have and wear.

Maybe you could just tell DP that you would like to keep half of the inheritance for yourself and will put the other half towards the wedding? But I also think you both need to get your ideology about money clear - is it yours and his, or does everything belong to you both. DH and I have always kept our finances very seperate and that works for us as its what we both want. You need to go into marriage being clear about these things and agreeing on a common approach, or it will always be a bug bear.

[KondosSecretJunkRoom]

I think YABU. You've chosen a big fancy wedding, it wasn't foisted upon you. And you agreed to using the inheritance to make that happen next year.

But then, Dh and I pool all our money, regardless of how it was acquired - I can't imagine whisking away funds to ensure that I will be the only person to benefit from it.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I suspect that this is one of the few times you have ever had a big lump of money has become available to you. Its something we all make mental plans for (there are plenty of "If you won the lottery" type threads on her). I can understand the frustration that you have the money, you have the plans but the money is spoken for.
However, if you want this wedding then you will have to chip in towards the cost from your inheritance. Your DP is putting in his bonus so it is fair you make a lump sum contribution too. Have a chat with your DP about holding some money back for driving lessons.

[moreslackthanslick]

Wow -I've been married nearly 4 years and my dad is sadly not far from passing away. I was out with my DH last night and said that when it happens and whatever I get (substantial) lands in my account I will be transferring exactly half straight to him.

We are in a different position to you though, mortgage paid off and childfree but as PP's have said surely if you're marrying you become "one" and it's not a question of his and hers money?

[TheAntiBoop]

I find it odd that you would transfer exactly half though

Dh and I have joint accounts and our own accounts but all money is family money and we decide together how it is spent. We don't split everything into two pots

Anyway, op how you decide to split your finances is important to agree before having kids

[Gooseygoosey12345]

Erm, why are you paying half of the mortgage if you're not on the mortgage? I haven't rtft but I know if that was my nan she'd want me to put it in my "running away" fund. We were always told to have running away money haha. Seriously, it's your inheritance and if you want to pay off your student loan and driving lessons do that and whatever's left can go into the wedding if you want it to

[FrankAndBeans]

She might not be on the mortgage but she is still using utilities and should be paying towards those. She would be paying rent if her DP didn't own.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Erm, why are you paying half of the mortgage if you're not on the mortgage?

No but presumably she uses gas, electricity, TV, council tax etc etc etc

[derxa]

'with all my worldly goods I thee endow'
I'm very old fashioned. I don't understand all this separate finances business. Some people are already talking on here about a 'running away' fund. Call off the wedding and let your DP find someone who will be a partner in the true sense.

[December2016]

Gosh, some of the responses are harsh!

Well, first of all, we're not having a "lavish" "big, fancy wedding". I believe I made a point of stating that in my OP. It's a church and a pub, there just happens to be a shitload of people. Not ideal, but my family is big and DP has two big groups of friends who all have spouses. So there we go. Well done to all the smug "DH and I had a registry office wedding with two strangers and our pet dog as witnesses' types - but that's not for us. The wedding isn't just for my benefit either (but thanks for the assumption, whoever said it) - I have actually suggested eloping more than once!

Our church isn't cheap either - the actual registry & ceremony fees are the same as every other but there are extra costs with ours - we have to have a minimum number of choristers, who all have to be paid for, as does the music director, the organist, the bells... you get the jist. We can't just 'pick another church' either - that's our church, and it means a lot to us to get married there.

I have also agreed to put in my bonus, if I get one - that depends on how the company I work for performs so I won't know until April.

I am certainly not 'getting a free ride' ta very much - I do the majority of food shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. £500 is the amount DP asked for when I started living with him and that's what I've always given. He earns about £10k a year more than I do and therefore has a lot more disposable income, hence his being able to divert the money to the wedding. To me it represent a significant portion of my monthly income. I have never made any claim on his money, he does what he likes with it once bills are paid and I've never questioned that. Once the wedding is over the money I give him will will go back to being for bills etc and he'll just be £600 a month better off.

Nor am I greedy ( thanks for the personal attack though) - I'm not saying I want to keep the money for myself so I can spend it on fucking Louboutins. If DP gets an inheritance in the future I can guess exactly what he'll want to spend it on - a new set of golf clubs and a hideously expensive watch. And that would be up to him.

[derxa]

I have never made any claim on his money, he does what he likes with it once bills are paid and I've never questioned that. Once the wedding is over the money I give him will will go back to being for bills etc and he'll just be £600 a month better off. You may as well not be married.

[FrankAndBeans]

OP you'll never win on here when it comes to weddings, if you want to spend more than £100 quid on your wedding your marriage is obviously doomed and you'll never have as much fun as someone who popped to the registry office and went home for a cuppa afterwards.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

You should both have equal disposable income. I think you need to talk to your DP about the general financial arrangements as they don't seem balanced. If he earns 10K more than you then he should be paying more.

He can't expect you to put the whole of your inheritance on a joint benefit and then keep the whole of any inheritance he gets for himself.

[FuckityShitBalls]

OP- imo if you intend to become a SAHM you will have to pool all your money. DH and I got a joint account when we moved in together and both of us put all our wages in. His wages were double mine and I became a SAHM when my maternity leave ended. It only works because our money is both of ours and we are happy to share everything we have and work as a team.

[TheCraicDealer]

I could be wrong, but I think her DP is paying all the bills and mortgage by himself, so he's covering all that and putting another £100 in on top of that.

This jumped out at me. Sounds like FH is protecting his interests by making sure the OP can’t prove she’s been contributing towards the house he bought prior to the marriage. OP, whatever you do with the inheritance, get on the deeds of the house, get a joint bank account ASAP and if he won’t pay the mortgage from there try to pay your contribution to the account it does come out of. If/when you do move, make sure you’re also named on the mortgage for the new house.

I think you’ve muddied the waters with how the savings are being accumulated tbh. But the fact that he’s managing the household finances in the manner he has (whereby to any outside looking in you’re no more than a lodger atm) it would make me loath to share my assets when he seems to be trying to ring fence his. I would be especially worried about this given the chat about you becoming a SAHP; it sounds very pessimistic, but if you’re a) on a lower wage, and b) becoming a SAHM then you’ll likely never get to accumulate monies of that level again. And god knows when you might need it.

BTW I’m getting married in September and so far we’re at 16K. So to me 10K is a bloody snip, especially where you are.