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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend ALL my inheritance on my wedding?!

137 replies

December2016 · 21/12/2016 20:40

I've NC'd for this as the circumstances are outy but I'm a long timer.

My DP and I are getting married next summer. It's not going to be a huge extravagant thing but we between us have a lot of family and friends- the guest list is currently at 130- so it's not going to be cheap either; we're aiming to keep it around the £10k mark which is pretty good value for a Home Counties summer wedding with a nice church and reception venue with halfway decent food. We're paying for it ourselves with family contributions here and there (my Mum is paying for my dress, his parents are paying for the cake and photographer- we've got mates rates on both).

At the moment we're living in DP's flat which he has on a shared ownership help to buy mortgage. We don't have a joint bank account, I just transfer him £500 a month. At the moment that money is going into our wedding fund, and he's adding another £100 himself, so we're saving £600 a month together.
Here the bit I'm not too happy about. My DGM passed away in April and left me £5000. When we found out how much she had left me (which was after we got engaged) DP said something along the lines of 'ok, well that'll get us halfway to our target.' and at the time I didn't think to argue. Since then it's just been taken for granted that all my inheritance would be going into the wedding fund.
After a long probate process, the money landed in my account today. And the more I think about it (which I have been quite a bit recently to be fair), the more I feel quite resentful at the idea of spending it all on the wedding- it's the only inheritance I'll ever have and I could do so many other things with it- pay off my student loan for example, or learn to drive- both of which DP has already done. When I've brought this up to DP he's pointed out that a- without it we'd have to save up for at least another year to be able to afford the wedding we want, and since I'm refusing to have kids before we're married and I'm already 31 we don't really have oodles of time to play with, plus we've already booked and paid deposits and sent out save the dates, and b- that when he eventually gets some inheritance all of that is going to go towards our future too. I do see what he means, but I still feel a bit annoyed about this and I don't really know what to do. Any advice?

OP posts:

OneADayAndThenWhat · 21/12/2016 21:57

If he is paying all the mortgage and bills plus a £100 towards the wedding budget then he sounds like he's not worrying about who pays what and that he is thinking you are both pooling your money. If the OP decides 'her' inheritance is hers alone then why shouldn't the OPs fiancé decide that his house is his alone.

Poocatcherchampion · 21/12/2016 21:58

Agree oneaday

Doilooklikeatourist · 21/12/2016 22:01

Get you name on that mortgage / house /deeds whatever
Learn to drive
Save for the wedding
In that order

Mindtrope · 21/12/2016 22:04

You are blowing all your inheritance in one day?

anotherdayanothersquabble · 21/12/2016 22:05

Will you become joint owner of the house when you marry?

Will driving lessons and your student loan become family bills?

Overall, assuming you will be paying £500 a month for eight months and he pays £100, you will have paid £9,000 towards the wedding and he will have paid £800.

In that time, how much will 'mortgage and bills' come to? If it's about £1,000 a month then you will have contributed evenly to the 'family finances.

Going forward, you will need to get your head round how both parties contribute to the household and how differential earnings impact this, particularly if you plan to take time out of work when you have children.

MsMims · 21/12/2016 22:07

I wouldn't want to spend it on the wedding. I don't want to be cynical but if the marriage ever ended, what would you have to show for your inheritance from your Mum? It's not so much the sharing that would bother me, it's the fact that if everything went sour I personally would feel like the money was wasted.

I would rather invest it in more tangible ways, or at least most of it. It's the beginning of a deposit on a house, it could be put towards driving lessons which is a skill for life and gives you independence and freedom.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 21/12/2016 22:09

PS. We had a joint account, 'my money' paid for our house deposit and a couple of other big expenses in our lives at the time, I am now a SAHM and his money pays for everything.

Benedikte2 · 21/12/2016 22:10

If you have to return to work after having a baby you will need a car to get your DC to childcare, doctor etc -- gives you more choice re carer if it doesn't have to be within short walking distance.

footballwidow12 · 21/12/2016 22:13

I'm sorry OP but I disagree with most of the posts on here. You are about to become husband and wife so surely what is his is yours and vice versa?? I just inherited £5k from and grandparent and it went straight in to our account and has paid for decorating and new carpets. If you don't want to put it towards your wedding then perhaps you don't really want to get married?? I don't think you can have your cake and eat it

gillybeanz · 21/12/2016 22:14

I couldn't spend that much on a wedding to begin with, but I know that's just me.
I agree with others it's the marriage thats important not the wedding day.
My inheritance is family money but mine to manage iyswim.
Everyone is entitled to ask for some of it, or loan some for a while, but it's mine to manage.
I'm not sure if that helps.
We had a very cheap wedding, a meal for about 50 friends and family and no night doo, or honeymoon. We bought the cheapest Gold rings we could find and are still married and very much in love 24 years later.

SantasJockstrap · 21/12/2016 22:14

I would not spend it on the wedding, however I would cut right back on the wedding and not spend 10k

Maryann1975 · 21/12/2016 22:19

I agree with what anotherday says.
You are not saving £500 per month for your wedding with him contributing another £100. You are paying £500 towards your living expenses and mortgage and he is saving £600 towards the wedding, so yes I do think he should get a say in where the inheritance goes.

You need a discussion about how the finances are going to work. It's not (in my eyes) your money and his money once you are married, it's shared family money and if you are planning to be a sahm you need to get this sorted.
In our marriage the £5k would have paid for the wedding, with the monthly savings (so income that would have been used to pay for the wedding) used to pay for driving lessons/boosting savings up again.
There is no right and wrong though, only what is right for your own circumstances at the time.

TrishanFlips · 21/12/2016 22:20

Since the understanding is that the 5K inheritance should go to the wedding , you should stick with that. Show confidence and commitment. Learning to drive can be done at £25 a week plus test fees - although it might take over a year. If you are saving £500 a month now, your should be able to manage driving lessons from your ongoing income.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2016 22:21

I'd also be thinking about a long term future if you're already arguing about who pays for what. But the bottom line is that you can't really afford a £10K wedding and that's the real problem. I can see why you don't want to see your £5K disappear to pay for your wedding. I'd be tempted to delay the wedding for a couple of years if it's not too late to do that.

iminshock · 21/12/2016 22:21

Whichever way you cut it, you are blowing TWICE your inheritance on one day.

badg3r · 21/12/2016 22:23

So you put in £500 a month and he puts in £100 to save the first 5k, and then you put in another 5k? Basically DP will be paying £833 of the total 10k towards your wedding then. I would be looking very carefully, together, into how the two of you split mortgage (in his name by the sounds of things), bills etc, what your comparative earnings are and how you intend to handle your finances long term. You really need to be having this conversation with him. And find a solution you are both happy with.

TheAntiBoop · 21/12/2016 22:25

Money is fungible. Once you are married it is one pot so does it really matter?

FuckityShitBalls · 21/12/2016 22:26

I think YABU I'm afraid. You live together and are planning a wedding, and a married life together. You need £10k and you are only able to get married on the date you planned it because you were getting that £5k inheritance. So you either need to scale the cost back by half, wait until you have saved up the whole £10k, or use your inheritance as planned. Student loans are not really worth paying off early AFAIK, as you probably won't ever pay it off and after a certain time whatever hasn't been paid is written off, I believe. Presumably you can pay for driving lessons after the wedding and DP would support you in doing that even if that meant both of you continuing to be frugal? If not, that's a real worry. If he is supportive then can you not do that?

badg3r · 21/12/2016 22:26

Ah just saw your update. If he's putting in his bonus too and TOGETHER you are being as careful as you can, then I don't think it's unreasonable to top up the rest of the amount with your inheritance.

Tinkletwinkle · 21/12/2016 22:32

Personally I'd use the money for the wedding. It's the next big thing for you both to pay for and it needs getting out of the way (paying for it) so you can get on with the rest of your lives.
Once you've been married for a while you'll realise that sometimes one of you will need to make sacrifices for the greater good. Sometimes it's you, other times it's them, whichever, if it's best for the both of you then It just needs to be done.
If it were the other way around wouldn't you think it generous and positive for your other half to use the money for the wedding?
Driving lessons aren't that expensive, particularly if your dp can help with practice? An old car needn't cost much either.
There will come a time that he has the extra big of cash,not you, and if he is worth marrying, he's worth trusting that when that happens, he'll do the right thing.

Tinkletwinkle · 21/12/2016 22:34

*bit not big

HarryPottersMagicWand · 21/12/2016 22:38

I wouldn't use it for the wedding. Learning to drive is an invaluable skill, do that even if you don't use it. I learned when I was 18, my siblings were well into their 20's and said they regretted not doing it when they were younger and had more disposable money/no kids etc.

As you are living in a shared ownership property, do you hope to staircase or buy somewhere properly? It could help start a savings fund for that. I had a 2k inheritence that i bought a nice piece of jewellery then put it towards a deposit on a shared ownership house. Then I got a much larger inheritence and the lot plus more savings went on a house deposit so we could buy in the normal way. I'd much rather do something practical like that than blow it on a party.

Me and DH have been married for 13 years, we don't have joint finances and never have. Not everyone does so there shouldn't be an assumption that is what you are doing by posters.

FrankAndBeans · 21/12/2016 22:55

If I was your DP I would be annoyed. He's putting in just as much money if not more in by paying all the bills allowing you to save. And people going on about weddings being a waste of money should bog off, OP has obviously chosen the wedding day she wants. No one needs to hear about your registry office do when she wants a church wedding.

trappedinsuburbia · 21/12/2016 23:06

You've already agreed to it and the wedding has been booked for a date based on this. Your DP is making as much of a sacrifice as you it seems.
Now you want to change what you've previously agreed to even though its all been booked and arranged around both your finances and on this money. If I was your DP, I would be having second thoughts about getting married to you tbh.

Smellslikeoranges · 21/12/2016 23:28

This all comes down to maths. Work out how much the bills are that you contribute towards and half that. Deduct that amount from the 500 that you give to your DP. Your partner's contribution is that half of the bills plus his 100 pounds. You are probably contributing an equal amount to the wedding fund (which is basically the 600 pounds minus bills). 10,000 minus what you have saved gives you the rest of the money needed for the wedding. The number of months needed to save the rest is the amount still needed for the wedding divided by 600 minus the bill money. If you want to get married more quickly donate your inheritance (or part of it) or get a bank loan that you both contribute to equally. It seems to me that unclear budgeting is the problem here.

As it has been pointed out, you need to establish before you get married if you are combining all your money, in which case the inheritance money is your DP's also. Or you are keeping your finances separate in which a calculator and pen are going to be needed for everything.

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