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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder what every happened to just being shy?

138 replies

drinkingchanelno5 · 21/12/2016 17:37

I notice this everywhere now. Everyone has 'social anxiety' that seems to prevent them living a normal life. Being shy from time to time is normal and happens to everyone at some point! Seems to me that labelling yourself as 'anxious' rather than just shy is somehow reinforcing the issue, and gives you a reason to not try to overcome it because it gives it a medicalised label. They are called social 'skills' for a reason - they are skills that can be learned and need to be practised.

And yes I know some people have genuine anxiety issues, but people seem to reach for the social anxiety label automatically and it really grinds my gears! Or AIBU?

OP posts:
JeepersMcoy · 21/12/2016 19:18

The difference with the OCD example is that when people say they are 'a bit ocd' because they like a tidy house they are not self diagnosing. They are well aware they don't have OCd and are using it as a rather offensive way to joke about how they like stuff tidy. It is trivialising and unpleasant.

This is not at all the same as someone saying they have social anxiety and believing this to be the case. I have never come across someone using the term anxiety in the same dismissive way OCD is used. You are comparing two different situations.

If someone told me they had OCD in a serious way I would never presume to doubt or question them. I do not know what is going on in their head and I am not in a position to dismiss their view of their own mental health. To do so would be offensive.

WaitrosePigeon · 21/12/2016 19:20

MsJudgemental

Don't worry I wasn't being at all serious with my post - it was an example to show the OP how goady they are.

Birdsgottafly · 21/12/2016 19:24

I was very pleased that Carol Vorderman spoke out about how her mental health was affected by the Menopause.

This included social anxiety. Previously Women were accused of just having severe vanity and very little help was available.

No doubt that this will be branded "a thing", just because previously Women suffered in silence and stayed behind closed doors.

The same has been said about many MH conditions, including PTSD, PND etc.

Dawndonnaagain · 21/12/2016 19:24

(and yes before you have a go, I'm trained to work with people like you.)

I'm trained to disabuse the notions promulgated by people like you. Hmm

Awaits apology

MsJudgemental · 21/12/2016 19:26

pigeon understood.

PolterGooseFat · 21/12/2016 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brasty · 21/12/2016 19:28

I agree that there is a general trend to medicalise behavior that is in the normal range.

Becks4Saints · 21/12/2016 19:30

This time last November was sectioned - here diagnosis after 6 months of being on hospital was Aspergers, severe social anxiety and depression.

She is home now but unable to cope well in social situations which has limited her in so many ways

Becks4Saints · 21/12/2016 19:31

Sorry - my daughter aged 15 was sectioned

OllyBJolly · 21/12/2016 19:37

I don't think any poster has said any of these conditions don't exist, more making the point that a lot of people like to label what is quite usual behaviour as a condition.

I had depression for a long time. Wouldn't wash, wouldn't eat, wanted my children taken into care depression. So many people say they are depressed when what they mean is they have a short term, temporary feeling of being quite down. I do hear many young children being referred to as having social anxiety - and some will - but some will just be shy or quiet. I agree with posters who feel that this is need to ascribe "conditions" to everything as worrying , and minimises (and probably diverts resources from) those who do have these conditions.

LittleL232 · 21/12/2016 19:38

YABU - I hope you never have to experience real anxiety. I literally can't remember a time where I didn't have it, even as a very young child. It was way, way more than shyness or being a bit of a worrier. Now my greatest fear is passing it down to my DS.

Anonymous1112 · 21/12/2016 19:41

I didn't think op was dismissing real anxiety, just that people try and label shyness as anxiety when it isn't. Mainly helicopter parents with their kids. I think
she knows the difference.

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 20:02

I didn't read it that the OP was saying social anxiety doesn't exist, rather that some people appropriate the term when actually they are 'just shy' This therefore trivialises what it means to actually have social anxiety. As they aren't interchangeable, (which is what some of the poster seem most angry about) then they shouldn't be used interchangeably and therefore the OP makes a valid point.

I think the comparison to way OCD is thrown around is a good one.

In the past we may have described people as being, shy, particular about things or selfish we/they may now say socially anxious, OCD, narcissist. Certain traits we used to accept as peoples foibles, we tend to label.

This is an entirely separate thing to people who really do suffer from the above conditions. Those who do suffer, wouldn't you prefer that people who are 'just a bit shy' didn't appropriate a medical term incorrectly?

Greater openness about mental health is a fantastic, and it's not for me to listen to someone and decide whether I think they are correct in what they say on an individual basis, but I do think as a whole we over-pathologise.

hungryhippo90 · 21/12/2016 20:17

I do understand that there are a lot of people who do self diagnose. I've a few people in my inner circle who have diagnosed themselves with anxiety. These are the same people who miraculously got better without even speaking with a Dr. I find it incredibly insulting that people use the term, as in I've felt anxious at my life situation, I have anxiety. Having anxiety in stressful situations is normal. Completely normal.

However, living your life petrified of every possibility that may happen is not normal.
I don't know where you get the belief that anxiety is just shyness and an excuse.

An excuse for what exactly?

Anxiety has railroaded my life completely. It hasn't given me an excuse to not do things I didn't want to do.
Because of anxiety I may have well pressed the stop button on my life for the past FOUR years.
I take it you are a parent, being on mumsnet. Imagine having your child have to sit at home, with you, every day during the holidays. Because leaving the house is actually petrifying to you. That same child, when it comes to Christmas, Halloween, fireworks, birthday parties. These are all things that have associated outings. Imagine your child either missing out on them outings. Or having to do them without you.

Let's also discuss the implications of having social anxiety. You often end up without any friends. Any time you need to communicate with people, you then replay the whole interaction in your mind, over and over and over. You run through what people said, and they meant. And what you meant, and how it all came out. And we're you the giant arsehole you feel like? And no wonder people must hate you, because you are such a useless fucker.

Then you manage to put positive steps into place, you start to feel like you are kicking anxiety in its arse, and something knocks you back. And you are left terrified, and embarrassed for failing not only yourself but also the few people who are still around and give a shit about you.

PinkCrystal · 21/12/2016 20:30

I suffer SA and suspect I have mild ASD of some sort. Every day is a struggle. I would love to be free of it just by facing it.

JeepersMcoy · 21/12/2016 20:43

runlulurun but what you are saying is that unless I prove to you in some unspecified way that I am one of the poeple with 'real' anxiety than you will judge me not to have met the correct criteria and am therefore making a fuss for attention or something.

What is it exactly I have to do in order to make sure I am one of the true anxiety sufferers and not one of the pretend ones? Do you all have the same criteria? Maybe I need to get cards made to say 'I may seem OK to you right now but yesterday I had a panic attack because I needed to buy some bread'. That way I can be sure you all know just how bad it is and judge appropriately.

Can't you see how upsetting that is for people who suffer anxiety. When suffering social anxiety I felt constantly, unremittingly judged by everyone. You are just confirming that this is in fact the case. It leaves me feeling afraid to admit that I have a problem for fear that it isn't enough of a problem and I should just be able to cope.

Comfortzone · 21/12/2016 20:49

Are you Katie Hopkins?

GingerHollyandIvy · 21/12/2016 20:51

And how precisely would you know if someone has actually had it diagnosed or not? With most people, you wouldn't. So what is the point? It's a thinly veiled complaint that they hear more about it from people now, so it must be just self-diagnosing, when actually you know no such thing. It's just another way of shutting people down from talking about something that profoundly affects their life. A disability. It's the exact same type of comments that usually come right before comments like "ADHD isn't a real thing..." and such.

Not helpful at all.

Kennington · 21/12/2016 21:00

Op you are being unfair.
I do agree that self diagnosis does result in people not taking mh nor neurological conditions seriously.
I have had colleagues self diagnose all sorts and this doesn't help them and certainly not anyone with these conditions.

ilongforlustre · 21/12/2016 21:02

Okay...

So I'll be charitable (it being the season of goodwill and all) and think that you mean it in the same way as people who like a tidy house saying "I'm a little bit OCD"...you're really not. What unwanted thoughts have been rotating on the endless carousel in your head today? Did you want to scream when you couldn't actually leave the carpark for checking the car was locked... for the 5th time... knowing you already checked but somehow compelled to check again? How many times did you really wipe the kitchen side today even though you hadn't touched it all day?

If you mean it in that sense YANBU...if you just mean "everything has a label these days"...DFOD.

lougle · 21/12/2016 21:02

Having spent £40 on a ticket to a Xmas do I was looking forward to, with colleagues I like, I didn't go because I couldn't face getting an outfit, walking into the room in case I'd judged wrongly, and not knowing who I'd be sat with, etc.

Shy? Anxious?

I decided not to go when I realised that I'd rather vomit, and that it couldn't be a healthy feeling. Sad

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 21:15

Jeepers and HollyandIvy, I don't have any need to know at all on an individual basis. If I met someone and they told me they had social anxiety I would just accept that at face value.

But do you disagree that there are people as described by a PP who inaccurately self diagnose? And culturally, with greater awareness of MH issues, I think this is an issue. I think people also do it with physical illnesses. It's maybe analogous (except in regard to seriousness) to people saying they have the flu when they have a normal cold. I don't expect people to prove it one way or the other to be honest, it's none of my business, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

For context, I have wondered at various times in my life whether I have had a number of different mental health problems. Maybe if you have to wonder have I/haven't I then you don't. For example it's been suggested by my DH that I had PND after DS was born because I cried every day. I thought that too for a while, but actually I don't think that's the case I think I was overwhelmed and exhausted and that isn't the same thing at all. There is a tendency to say (by some people) You cried every day therefore it must be depression, and that isn't always the case.

Thinking this is really NOT saying that all people who have PND are really just overwhelmed and exhausted and neither is it saying that anyone who might say they have PND has to prove in some way that it's true. They really don't.

I hope the above doesn't sound insensitive, I have every sympathy for people who suffer with MH issues of any type and it's not my intention to sounds disbelieving.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 21:19

Ah another MH 'all this shit is made up' thread - we have had another of these tonight from a different goady fucker

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 21:20

Reported

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 21:21

run Actially it sounds really insensitive. HTH

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