To be so upset with boyfriend

[TheQueenOfItAll]

So, three years ago I moved abroad to be with my boyfriend, have been going to language classes and doing quite well - have skipped a few grades and am not in one of the final years.

However, I never practice said language, I work in English, have English friends and everybody seems to want to practice thier own English or imitate my accent when I'm around! So today at my class I (embarrassingly) got very upset because my teacher basically said that my vocab, reading and writing were very good but my speaking is utter crap (she said it in a nicer way)

I text boyfriend during my break and tell him I got upset during class and asked if we can switch our main language to his mother tongue (so no actual effort to be made on his part).

I get home and tell him in person how upset I am with myself for not knowing the language better. He then turns to be and says
"you're hopeless, and can't be helped so there is no point practicing with you, a r*** could have learned it faster."

I ask him again because, WTF and he again reiterates that he won't help me and that it's not his fault that my language skills are so bad. (we have had the "switch-over" talk quite a few times)

AIBU to think your fucking partner should help you with something he is clearly able to help with?

Missed the bit about several national languages, but it doesnt really matter does it. DP doesnt see that he has done anything wrong and blames the op for having a bad day when he has just called her a disablist term. Please leave. I know its close to xmas but do you really want to spend xmas with someone who thinks so little if you?

It's Belgium and you're learning Flemish (ie Dutch). I knew that from the shit. wank, FIFA comment. Dutch speakers are incredibly blunt

He is being an unsupportive arsehole. My Dutch exDP was always delighted with my attempts to speak Dutch and would help whenever he could. The fact that he cannot understand why you are upset only compounds it. Lack of empathy is a bad trait in a life partner

Agree, my husband has never spoken to me like that. The fact that he is happy to do so and not keen to help you learn to integrate shows he doesn't really care about you.
Have you just become desensitised to his rudeness and nastiness?

Yes, I am in Belgium :)

Typically the Flemish are reserved and polite, it's the ones from the Netherlands who can't be tamed.

I know/he knows/my teacher knows/everybody with common sense knows that you need to speak a language to be fluent.

I am at a B1/B2 level, so I know the basics. Knowing the language is bloody important to me (I already have an action plan to learn French after Dutch is mastered)

But I can practice with external help, join that yoga class I've had my eye on etc; it's really the fact that the person I am supposed to trust, and have a relationship refused me help. THAT is what stings

ones from the Netherlands who can't be tamed hahahahaha!!!!!

My Dutch exDP was always delighted with my attempts to speak Dutch and would help whenever he could.

This is the norm with international relationships.

TheQueenOfItAll, surely you've observed that?

ones from the Netherlands who can't be tamed

True

Though I also knew a Belgian man who was pretty wild

I'm making it sound like I've done every man in the Low Countries!

As an aside get involved with some native children - they are keen to correct your pronunciation and sentence structure IME!!! I used to babysit for some friends, always seemed to turn into a Dutch lesson even though I wasn't trying to learn (was only there short term and I am so rubbish at languages!)

Join a club, get involved in that yoga class, make some social friends and insist that you all speak Flemish when you're around. Helps if you choose an activity at first where you can listen a lot and not have to speak to much (something active like yoga or running, not a book club obviously!) This investment is well worth it as you really have to hear native speakers a lot so that you start thinking in that language without translating form English first. And after a while the word order will just click because it will "sound" right or wrong.

Agree with others that ditch the boyfriend but keep the job, find your own place, keep your friends, keep the language classes. Find some audio books to listen to in spare time, get some teenage-level fiction books out of the library to work on your informal language listening and understanding.

The best part of being fluent in your guest country's home language is that you'll open up your world and make true friend, not just colleagues or other expats. When you speak to people in their own native tongue, it's so much more personal and they will make the effort. Just takes a bit of confidence. It's daunting but gets better with time.

Does your teacher speak only Flemish to you and the class? If not, ask her to, she should be by now.

The best part of being fluent in your guest country's home language

is that you'll understand the mentality of the locals.

To understand a culture, learn the language.

That's exactly what she's trying to do!

Where abouts are you in flanders? There are some great language meet ups in Antwerp and Mechelen that I can recommend.

My ex was Flemish and had a similar outlook and would hate talking to me in Dutch. I had to do it all outside the home. There's some great Facebook groups and on meetup.com that could be good for you.

I'm officially B2 but I stopped classes and just wing it socially.

Feel free to message me if you want any direct links to places :-)

OP, you haven't put his recent behaviour in context with how he treats you generally. However, it sounds to me that he wants to end the relationship but it is too cowardly to say, especially given that you've moved countries for you. Instead he's pushing you away.

you've moved countries for you

You've moved countries for him.

TheQueenOfItAll, you deserve better.

It must be Danish

Since when does Denmark have two official languages?

And Danish udtale

I think it's about word order rather than pronunciation. But it's most likely not Danish anyway, so a moot point.

Sorry, typo. Thanks for correcting, Lovelearning*

He really has shown his true colours. So sorry for you. I would really take strength from the fact that you've seen what he like before you've got the house and kids. I would go home for Christmas alone and begin operation new life so the new year continues with your plan in Belgium but without him.

Would I look to invest in a property with this man? HELL NO! He doesn't care about your feelings OP. You asked him for support and in return he called you a retard! Then he continues to minimise how you feel. That is not an equal relationship. Partners should support one another and care about the others feelings. He doesn't care and is nasty with it.

If he's not emotionally invested after 7 years, he NEVER will be.

All the other stuff - language is just scenery.

You need to focus in on what he said to you.

Leave. Simple.

LTB.

I would go home for Christmas - you said your mother would be very happy to see you? Have a think about what you want. Can you afford to stay in Belgium but live separately from wankbadger?

I wouldn't even tell him tbh, I would just up and leave.

I would up and leave too. Make plans, he doesn't need to know until the last minute. You sound really strong with your career choices and what you want to get out of life on that side of things, so do the same with this turdburger. Imagine if he was your line manager- would you work for someone like that? I doubt it. Now imagine if he your BFs DP - would you like him treating her that way? No.
Im sure you should be able to find from your work colleagues suggestions of where the best/affordable places to rent by yourself or sharing are. You are still young, make good choices and good luck

Don't buy a house with this man. He has shown you what he really thinks of you and is just using your income to get what he wants. The fact he let you know just before Xmas tells you how much he cares about your happiness.

Look for another place to stay, it could just be a temporary rental place until you have sorted yourself out and have the time to look for a proper place of your own. Please look after yourself OP, and don't spend time and effort trying to make Xmas day special for this bastard.