Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with boyfriend

132 replies

TheQueenOfItAll · 20/12/2016 21:36

So, three years ago I moved abroad to be with my boyfriend, have been going to language classes and doing quite well - have skipped a few grades and am not in one of the final years.

However, I never practice said language, I work in English, have English friends and everybody seems to want to practice thier own English or imitate my accent when I'm around! So today at my class I (embarrassingly) got very upset because my teacher basically said that my vocab, reading and writing were very good but my speaking is utter crap (she said it in a nicer way)

I text boyfriend during my break and tell him I got upset during class and asked if we can switch our main language to his mother tongue (so no actual effort to be made on his part).

I get home and tell him in person how upset I am with myself for not knowing the language better. He then turns to be and says
"you're hopeless, and can't be helped so there is no point practicing with you, a r*** could have learned it faster."

I ask him again because, WTF and he again reiterates that he won't help me and that it's not his fault that my language skills are so bad. (we have had the "switch-over" talk quite a few times)

AIBU to think your fucking partner should help you with something he is clearly able to help with?

OP posts:
Peanutandphoenix · 21/12/2016 10:01

LTB right now your better off without that horrible nasty twat in your life so just pack up and leave while he's out at work.

timelytess · 21/12/2016 10:02

What/who have you got in the UK? Family you might stay with?
What do you have invested in your current location? Apart from the seven years with him - we tend to think of relationships as an investment but they aren't, there's no real security, its an illusion. Property? What about your job? Can you leave? Find similar work in the UK?
Or as pps have suggested, could you establish yourself there without him?
He's not nice.
He's not kind or caring.
He's not good enough for you.

Ifitquackslikeaduck · 21/12/2016 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache · 21/12/2016 10:06

He again started saying that it wasn't his fault that I can't speak

Well, it kind of is, actually. You're never going to master any language unless you're really immersed in it every day, in real-life situations rather than classrooms. You don't use it at work, you don't use it at home, so you're not getting that. He could do something about it, but he won't.

A friend of mine (native English speaker) met her now husband elsewhere in the EU and their lingua franca was English. When she moved to his country and she began learning his language in earnest, they adopted a system of each speaking their own language at home, so it was easy for both of them but they still get plenty of exposure to the second language.

Suggest that as a compromise! If he says no, then basically you have a man who is refusing to put an important, legitimate concern of yours above a selfish consideration of his own. The language thing becomes a red herring - this is not a man to be further entangling yourself with.

ColaSpangles · 21/12/2016 10:14

I've been in same position OP. I know how hard it is to leave when you can't see your way forward. Also how hard it is to recognise the abuse when you're inside the relationship. It took me much longer to shed my cling-on abuser and I recognise the same signs. He will make it hard for you to leave him even though he has no love or respect for you- sorry to say such an awful thing but I'm afraid it's true. Please leave- I feel like I'm talking to my younger self! If you manage to decide to leave don't give him any clues, just to it, back to UK or stay with friends there till you find a place. And don't engage with his arguments or persuasion. This is a specific type of man and there is no point attempting a discussion with any reasonable ending. It won't happen.

Search for threads 'support for those in emotionally abusive relationships' on MN. it'll be an eye opener how they all conform to almost identical behaviour. That'll help you see it as his issue not yours, which helps a lot. It did for me! Xxx

Original poster
TheQueenOfItAll · 21/12/2016 10:17

Hi again,

I am in the EU, so am free to leave whenever I want and still be allowed to live and work in the country.

I am invested in this job, I enjoy it greatly and have a very high earning potential here. My family would be over the moon if I came back, my mum tells me everyday how much she misses me.

We haven't invested in property, nor do we have children, but are currently house searching. Learning the language is very important to me, I have always wanted to speak multiple languages and by staying here I'll be tri-lingual (this country has more than one official language - so you may be able to guess where I am)

It's a Germanic language so it's not completely new, but I make a problem that many English speakers do and keep using our sentence structure. My teacher's main point was that "the words are there, but the positioning of the words are off".

Thank you guys for letting me know my instincts are correct and that he's being an arse. He keeps telling me that I am a drama queen and that I loved to be wronged, among other things

OP posts:
ColaSpangles · 21/12/2016 10:21

Yes your final para echoes exactly what I was always told when calling him on what is verbal and emotional abuse. Glad you have options and that you sound strong- listen to your instincts and walk out that door for good, it'll be the best decision of your life. He's not just an arse, he is abusive.

Giselaw · 21/12/2016 10:24

Shut him down - tell him you're not picking a fight, you're in the middle of the biggest argument of your relationship and right now he's giving you absolutely no reason to continue in it.

He is very good at making everything feel like your fault, isn't he?

KindDogsTail · 21/12/2016 10:32

No, that is not all right. Of course he should help you. Even if you were brilliant at languages, you would need the help his native speaking to become truly fluent and assimilated, given you have put your whole life into another country's hands - and his.

Does he want you to flounder? Is he lazy? He evidently uses abusive put-down language to you.

From here, it seems clear you would be better off without him.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/12/2016 10:38

He sounds horrible. Really, really nasty and without reason. You do deserve better and you should leave him but I disagree you should come back to the UK.

You have a life where you are: a job and friends. You would need to find somewhere else to live but that's not impossible.

Please get yourself some space so you can see his behaviour is unacceptable.

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 21/12/2016 10:41

I was going to ask if it was German or related language when you said about 'word order' - it's so hard isn't it! In English you can switch the words around no problem - I struggle with German and 'time manner place' etc.

Anyway. Your boyfriend sounds like a complete dick. If my partner ever called me a retard he'd be on the doorstep. This is not a loving relationship!

KindDogsTail · 21/12/2016 10:41

When I asked what he was doing all evening (he's now in bed) his reply was "playing fifa, wanking and taking a shit."

Words fail me.

I just read the full thread and what he said here is extremely disrespectful and disgusting.
How wonderful that you are doing well in your job, whatever happens with him. You could go, and if I were you, I wouldn't give it even one more thought.

lovelearning · 21/12/2016 10:50

I have friends who have already offered to help.
I have really come into my own here and see it as my home.
I have a job and friends I adore.
I am invested in this job, I enjoy it greatly and have a very high earning potential here.

TheQueenOfItAll: Your happiness in your adopted country doesn't depend on your partner.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/12/2016 10:53

He sounds like a right arse. Leave him. Ask your friends to help you find a rental property and flee and maybe try for citizenship in case of Brexit.

TENSHI · 21/12/2016 13:48

No he won't be able to shoehorn hs way into your life and home if you went home or moved elsewhere because YOU WON'T LET HIM!

Op where is your backbone with this awful man?

How come you have a fab job, great friends and a great life BUT THE BIGGEST DICKHEAD BOYFRIEND?

Get your act together for the New Year op.

Where the hell are your boundaries? Calling you mentally deficient in however way or form and making out you are the drama queen shows us all that he DOES NOT LOVE OR CARE FOR YOU.

Don't for goodness sake tell us you love him so much you want to make it/him better!! Have some self respect! NO one stoops so low and comes back for more.

Next thing you'll be telling us you do all the cleaning and tidying and he doesn't help with those things either.

Op you can do much better. This is 7 years way too long.

sonjadog · 21/12/2016 13:57

Leave him but stay where you are. I emigrated alone, have had several relationships here (been here a long time) and when each of them ended it never even occurred to me that I would have to return to where I came from. This is my home.

You already have a job and friends, so you have a good start. Now look for places you can afford to rent in your area, and move out and on with your life.

BertieBotts · 21/12/2016 13:57

Find yourself a house share, ask your colleagues/employer for advice.

You don't need to leave the country if you split up! Stay on your own terms, you clearly like it there. I'm sure when you're using the language more often it will come. The teacher sounds unnecessarily harsh as well. It's possible to help students pinpoint what they need to work on without making them feel bad. I teach adults English, by the way. Word order isn't necessarily a terrible problem to have either. People will be able to tell you aren't a native speaker but if you can make yourself understood, so what?! It will improve as you use it more.

Bananalanacake · 21/12/2016 14:08

I have also been with my DP for 7 years and I moved to his country 2 years ago as we had a baby (I wouldn't move for any other reason even though he wanted me to) It is Germany and I also find the language very hard, I am having lessons and making an effort but not fluent yet but I understand what a conversation is about. I am a SAHM, I really miss my job in the UK and think about it every day. My DP will support me any way he can (he speaks perfect English) he would never put me down like that, hope you work things out.

ShowMeTheElf · 21/12/2016 14:17

You moved there to be with him, meanwhile you have your own career and friends. You don't need to be with him to continue with this lovely life you have made.
So why are you with him? He disrespects you, has never helped you learn the language even though you have had the conversation about it before. Knows he has upset you and stays downstairs 'playing fifa, having a wank and a shit' rather than apologising. There will be no better time to make the break than now: no mortgage, no kids, good career. LTB.

redexpat · 21/12/2016 14:19

It must be Danish. Where are you? Im a trainee social worker here and could help with the practicalities. Xx

MagicChicken · 21/12/2016 14:23

Wow he sounds horribly unsupportive and quite contemptuous of you. I'd be thinking carefully about whether I wanted to stay in this relationship. It's not just his unkindness and brutal honesty, it's his lack of willingness to be supportive and helpful in something which costs him nothing but a bit of patience.

redexpat · 21/12/2016 14:26

And Danish udtale and word order is not easy.

travailtotravel · 21/12/2016 15:27

It doesn't have to be Denmark. It could just as easily be Belgium or Lux. I'm sorry your Dp is an arse. Don't buy a house with him until he understands why his response is so off course. Do know your options are completely open to stay where you are without him in the frame.

sooperdooper · 21/12/2016 15:39

Do not buy a property with this unsupportive, rude arsehole

Leave, stay with friends, or book a flight home for a few days over Christmas

You have to reconsider your relationship or you'll regret it

lovelearning · 21/12/2016 15:54

It must be Danish.

Denmark has one official language.