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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with boyfriend

132 replies

TheQueenOfItAll · 20/12/2016 21:36

So, three years ago I moved abroad to be with my boyfriend, have been going to language classes and doing quite well - have skipped a few grades and am not in one of the final years.

However, I never practice said language, I work in English, have English friends and everybody seems to want to practice thier own English or imitate my accent when I'm around! So today at my class I (embarrassingly) got very upset because my teacher basically said that my vocab, reading and writing were very good but my speaking is utter crap (she said it in a nicer way)

I text boyfriend during my break and tell him I got upset during class and asked if we can switch our main language to his mother tongue (so no actual effort to be made on his part).

I get home and tell him in person how upset I am with myself for not knowing the language better. He then turns to be and says
"you're hopeless, and can't be helped so there is no point practicing with you, a r*** could have learned it faster."

I ask him again because, WTF and he again reiterates that he won't help me and that it's not his fault that my language skills are so bad. (we have had the "switch-over" talk quite a few times)

AIBU to think your fucking partner should help you with something he is clearly able to help with?

OP posts:
DixieWishbone · 20/12/2016 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

haveacupoftea · 20/12/2016 22:07

He's a fucking wanker. What country are you living in? How would you feel about moving home

CalleighDoodle · 20/12/2016 22:11

Not helping you learn the language in the country where you live could be a form of control. Ot is limiting.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 20/12/2016 22:11

I couldn't and wouldn't put up with a partner that spoke to me like this. He has finally shown you how little he thinks of you. Make sure you listen to that!

Original poster
TheQueenOfItAll · 20/12/2016 22:12

It wasn't an argument, I just told him I think he's very unsupportive, especially when I was already upset. I rarely ever cry, so to do so in a group of people I barely know was embarrassing. I just wanted to cuddle and for him to say we'll try to perfect my grammar together.

Instead of saying sorry he just tells me to go to bed because I was having a bad day. He's been downstairs playing fucking FIFA since and not once come upstairs to say sorry.

It's really hard to leave when you have nowhere else to go.

OP posts:
timelytess · 20/12/2016 22:15

Leaving this man would be a positive move.

Sybys · 20/12/2016 22:16

He really sounds awful. I'd be thinking hard about your short and long term options.

statetrooperstacey · 20/12/2016 22:19

I think I would tell him that actually one of the reasons you would like to change languages at home, is because his grasp of English is pitiful and his accent and pronunciation make your ears want to bleed. But so far you have been too polite to mention it. Tell him every time you have praised his efforts in the past YOU HAVE BEEN LYING. Tell him you cringe for him in public and people laugh at him. See how he likes that. Knob.

IrenetheQuaint · 20/12/2016 22:20

How miserable. Learning a foreign language is so hard, especially the speaking bit.

Could you form an exit plan? Do you have relatives back home you could stay with while looking for a new job?

DixieWishbone · 20/12/2016 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LusciousLych33 · 20/12/2016 22:22

Learning a new language is also about meeting new people, making connections, making an effort, gaining confidence and integration into another culture

Even learning a few words makes a difference

Take time to think about his reaction to you and what you want for your future

ConvincingLiar · 20/12/2016 22:25

He is a massive arsehole. Think carefully before wasting any more of your life on him.

Theladyloriana · 20/12/2016 22:27

Your last comment really struck me - leaving is so hard when you have nowhere else to go -

Let me tell you it will be harder the longer you stay with somebody who treats you like this. Can you tell us his good points, or is this contemptuous attitude reflective of his wider behaviour towards you?

Biscuitsneeded · 20/12/2016 22:28

I dare say you wouldn't have ended up in the is country as part of your own life plans if it weren't for him. So he should be bloody grateful you were willing to up sticks for the sake of a relationship with him. He's got a funny way of acknowledging the sacrifices you may have made.

TENSHI · 20/12/2016 22:29

You have been royally used, op.

Was your dp always good at English or have you aided and assisted him without payment and out of the goodness of your heart?

I ask because when you live in a country where speaking the English language is coveted; better employment possibilities, and even high status is given to those who can converse well so naturally it is ideal to get a native speaker boyfriend/girlfriend to practice with for free.

Sometimes people didn't even hide the fact they were only interested in befriending you to get free English lessons.

So it is obviously not in their interests for you to want to learn their native tongue and have no interest or patience in helping you learn it. There is also the benefit of being able to talk/moan/complain (about you) without you knowing what they're talking about so they will actively discourage you from learning.

Sorry op but you are being very naiive here, your dp is using you for his own ends (a western woman can be seen as a real catch in certain parts of the world, not necessarily for altruistic reasons) and so his anger and annoyance and rudeness towards you is the real him I'm afraid, you are just starting to uncover it.

As everyone has pointed out, it's a massive red flag, you've a good reason to be upset and I'd be packing my bags too if that happened to me.

Biscuitsneeded · 20/12/2016 22:29

this, not the is

ChasedByBees · 20/12/2016 22:33

I would leave. No one deserves to be spoken to like that.

BeauHeaux · 20/12/2016 22:33

Does he actually know quite how upset you are?

Original poster
TheQueenOfItAll · 20/12/2016 22:36

Hi Tenshi his English was very good before we met, he is from a country where speaking English is a given and not anything special at all. So I really doubt that I was his language teacher, we've been together 7 years so he has had plenty of time to drop me!

The thing is, I have really come into my own here and see it as my home. I have a job and friends I adore, but I moved here when I was young (two weeks after finishing my degree) and the older I get and the more I see that not everything lasts forever.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 20/12/2016 22:39

I think what language it is does matter. Some languages are very difficult to learn without immersing yourself in it. Some use different scripts. Some are quite easy to pick up if you know a related language. Some have very complicated grammar.

What worries me most is that OP said It's really hard to leave when you have nowhere else to go.

Original poster
TheQueenOfItAll · 20/12/2016 22:41

He thinks I'm trying to pick a fight when I tell him how upset I was/am.

When I asked what he was doing all evening (he's now in bed) his reply was "playing fifa, wanking and taking a shit."

Words fail me.

OP posts:
Sybys · 20/12/2016 22:41

Do you necessarily have to leave the country if you leave him? Is there anything to stop you getting your own place there? I've emigrated to be with my partner and, if we did separate, I think I could be tempted to remain anyway.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 20/12/2016 22:44

Oh goodness Op, he sounds awful. Unless your visa is dependent on him, you're fully able to leave him but stay in the country.

ageingrunner · 20/12/2016 22:46

Is this the first time he's been such an arse? Seems unlikely

TENSHI · 20/12/2016 22:47

Well in that case refuse to speak any more English while you are at home and see how kind, supportive, helpful and lovely he truly is!!

I got so fed up being 'used' for free language practice this is the approach I took (zero Engish unless I was being paid) and I must say it was the best decision I ever made.

Go on I dare you!

If he is truly awful and unhelpful you will want to move out anyway and if he rises to the challenge and is kind, helpful and supportive at least you know you've got a keeper and can stay with him without worry!

Who would think learning a language (a new skill) will tell you everything you need to know about a person's true character?

Do NOT speak another word in English op even if he laughs in your face. Get free language lessons from him untl you find another place to live!