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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with boyfriend

132 replies

TheQueenOfItAll · 20/12/2016 21:36

So, three years ago I moved abroad to be with my boyfriend, have been going to language classes and doing quite well - have skipped a few grades and am not in one of the final years.

However, I never practice said language, I work in English, have English friends and everybody seems to want to practice thier own English or imitate my accent when I'm around! So today at my class I (embarrassingly) got very upset because my teacher basically said that my vocab, reading and writing were very good but my speaking is utter crap (she said it in a nicer way)

I text boyfriend during my break and tell him I got upset during class and asked if we can switch our main language to his mother tongue (so no actual effort to be made on his part).

I get home and tell him in person how upset I am with myself for not knowing the language better. He then turns to be and says
"you're hopeless, and can't be helped so there is no point practicing with you, a r*** could have learned it faster."

I ask him again because, WTF and he again reiterates that he won't help me and that it's not his fault that my language skills are so bad. (we have had the "switch-over" talk quite a few times)

AIBU to think your fucking partner should help you with something he is clearly able to help with?

OP posts:
StripeyMonkey1 · 20/12/2016 22:48

Is there any way you could get some time away from him to have a bit of thinking space? Even a week or two could help.

He doesn't sound very nice but sometimes it's easier to see that from a bit more distance. You could try making some alternative plans for you for the future.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 20/12/2016 22:59

He is definitely unsupportive, but to leave over this? Really? Seems a bit dramatic. (Unless there are other issues)

Original poster
TheQueenOfItAll · 20/12/2016 23:00

It's hard to take such a long time off from work, and would be even harder to go back to London without him trying to shoehorn his way in.

I've only been back to see my family without him once, and was only because a last minute emergency.

My best friend is due to be induced on Friday so she can't really have me over at the moment

OP posts:
Imknackeredzzz · 20/12/2016 23:04

Sorry OP if my partner spoke like that to me I would leave them immediately. I just could not be with someone who could even think of speaking to me like that. You need to get rid and quickly

FetchezLaVache · 20/12/2016 23:05

Queen, are you in an EU country?

Can you stay there in your job, assuming you want to stay, without being with him? The more you say about him, the worse he sounds. So disrespectful. Please think carefully about staying with him. He sounds like an awful man to marry and have kids with.

Just on a tangent - this from TENSHI Sometimes people didn't even hide the fact they were only interested in befriending you to get free English lessons really resonated with me, as a native English linguist who spent many years living abroad! The blatancy can be truly breath-taking at times.

londonrach · 20/12/2016 23:06

Just come home. You might be back for christmas x

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 20/12/2016 23:18

,

Minivaperviper · 20/12/2016 23:19

Op your p sounds like a real prize,Instead of supporting and comforting you he has kicked you while you were down.
Sorry to hear that you were upset and I'd seriously consider your options and make long term plans where possible just in case.

On a side note have a look at the the linguistics board on here, for advice on language exchange etc there are good free ways online to do it.
Speaking a 2nd language is the hardest part I think.

ellamoromou · 20/12/2016 23:31

ewww he sounds a peach Hmm

One piece of advice OP - learn how to say 'goodbye dickweed' in whatever language it is you're learning Grin

My OH is Greek and he is so patient when teaching me the language - because he loves and respects me. Find somebody the same, you don't have that person now.

ChasedByBees · 21/12/2016 00:09

You say he might try and shoehorn his way in if you come back to the UK. You don't have to invite him or see him or have anything to do with him.

You said you like the country where you are, is there anything (like visa) to stop you staying without him?

I know you've been with him for 7 years but he's awful.

MikeUniformMike · 21/12/2016 00:32

7 years is a long time but if DP said he'd been sat playing fifa, w*nking and having a shit after he'd upset me I would have to question whether I'd want to be with him any more.

Leaving him will hurt but it will not hurt forever. You deserve better than this disrespectful w*nker.

Bloodybloodyheckers · 21/12/2016 00:40

Is he always like this? It's been 7 years, has he always spoken to you so horribly??

Catinthecorner · 21/12/2016 01:56

Seven years is a lot. A lifetime is longer. Go home. Or stay home but find a new place to live. He's poison.

So what if he wants to shoehorn in. Tell him to fuck off and mean it.

You are still young, and I know it doesn't feel like you have time to reinvest the time you had with him, but you do. Plenty of us didn't meet the right guy until our age had more than a 2 as the first digit.

PotteringAlong · 21/12/2016 07:34

As a practical note, if you want some language (written) conversation, you could start a mumsnet thread in whatever language it is? There will be other people here who speak the language and you could work out how to say "did you mean to be so rude?" And "leave the bastard" Grin

TheLegendOfBeans · 21/12/2016 07:45

Same language was used to me by my now XH at the end of our marriage.

The level of disrespect he's showing you is clear as crystal. Maybe you need to get your plans in order as he sounds like a colossal dick.

YeOldMa · 21/12/2016 08:34

I'd never say leave someone after one argument but I do think you should consider your options and the life you want. I'm assuming you haven't got children as you haven't mentioned any but if you did have them, is this the sort of father you want for them because I can guarantee that he would teach them to be as scornful of you as he his. Do you want them to be as belittling to you because you can't join in with the conversation?

Whatever culture your partner comes from, there is no need for unkindness, belittling/unsupportive behaviour and a complete lack of regard about the things that hurt you. Yes, you could learn his language perfectly but would that make him a better person. I think not.

Original poster
TheQueenOfItAll · 21/12/2016 08:55

Thanks everyone for your replies. I spoke to him this morning and he told me that I was just picking an argument - he doesn't see that he upset me.

He again started saying that it wasn't his fault that I can't speak. And left in a huff.

What's really upsetting is that I have friends who have already offered to help. people from my class have sent me various links during the night for buddy programmes and sites that are targeted at word order (my problem) and the person I asked for help - the person I moved here for is being so unhelpful.

OP posts:
pklme · 21/12/2016 09:21

Well he's a gem. I think you know what to do, plan your exit. At your convenience. Just quietly organise yourself in a way that suits you. You have a job, networks, friends... Organise somewhere to go.

dollydaydream114 · 21/12/2016 09:32

I think what language it is does matter. Some languages are very difficult to learn without immersing yourself in it. Some use different scripts. Some are quite easy to pick up if you know a related language. Some have very complicated grammar.

But you're missing the point. The issue is not how difficult the language is. The issue is her boyfriend's reaction, which would be unacceptable regardless of how easy or difficult the language. The OP isn't asking us to suggest how she can improve her language skills; she's asking us if she's right to be upset at the way her boyfriend spoke to her (and absolutely is right).

shovetheholly · 21/12/2016 09:39

I think this is hugely selfish behaviour. He isn't listening to you at all - to your emotional upset, to your desire to improve. Further than that, he's not supporting you in achieving what you want to achieve.

It is these things, rather than the practical language support, that seem critical to me. They are not the actions, I'm afraid, of a loving partner. I worry that this kind of thing might be replicated in other areas of your life, because it seems unlikely that this would be an isolated incident??

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 21/12/2016 09:41

He doesn't like you, op, let alone love you.

I'd say leave him, but you probably won't. I hope I'm wrong.

Imknackeredzzz · 21/12/2016 09:49

I don't think he loves you either OP sorry. U need to leave him

2rebecca · 21/12/2016 09:49

Agree that this isn't the language or behaviour of a man who cares about you and loves and values you. It sounds like this relationship has come to an end. Time to reassess your future

Dadbot3000 · 21/12/2016 09:56

This sounds like a pretty horrible situation and I'm afraid the only 2 explanations I can think of are:

  1. He honestly believes you are inferior to him and thinks so little of your concerns that he won't help.
  2. Your lack of language skills will keep you dependent on him - it suits him that you will find it difficult to integrate.

Both horrible options. Unless there are serious mitigating factors for his behaviour, I'm afraid I would also advocate leaving him. Imagine him belittling you like that in front of future children...

wotsitsorcheetos · 21/12/2016 09:59

why does learning the language matter if you can switch languages on a whim? if its not for you just stop learning.

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