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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to skip the family xmas dinner

121 replies

Pugmomma · 20/12/2016 17:59

For the past 3 years I've always made xmas dinner for the family at my place, and have always done my best to cater for everyone; last year I did gamon and coke in slow cooker, a turkey crown and a joint of beef, as well as a nut roast for DPs sister who is veggie.

All this year DPs family have said they want to do xmas dinner this year, so we agreed it back in September ish. Then DPs mum popped around today for a brew, and says they'll be doing beef and gammon on xmas day.

Feel so put out as the whole family knows I don't eat any red meats etc at all- I only eat turkey, chicken and fish. DPs sister is away abroad this year in asia so there won't even be the option for nut roast etc.

Just feel like I don't matter at all. I mean for the last 3 years I've cooked for all of them, including beef and gammon when I don't eat them.

Told all this to DP and he said well there'll be veg and potatoes etc! I was a bit miffed. I hate sprouts (yet still cooked them for his family!), so I'd be having carrots, peas and potatoes for xmas dinner.

I actually feel quite sad and dreading it now. It's not so much the only eating veg, it's more feeling like they don't care/I don't matter.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2016 18:52

It's not worth sabotaging your relationship with your partner's family over this. Shock You're reading far too much into this.

They probably think they've done enough by providing a cauliflower cheese dish and as you say, you've been to dinner before at theirs and eaten everything but the meat so they are assuming you're happy to do that?

I'm surprised their daughter is vegetarian but they don't seem able to cater for non meat eaters very well Confused. Do they make their daughter just eat the veg when she visits?

Original poster
Pugmomma · 20/12/2016 18:54

Oh but DPs mum has text me and asked me would I mind doing my snowball cake (nanas recipe) and bring it for pudding coz the kids love it 😂 Aha, no words, literally none

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 20/12/2016 18:54

I would either make a point of taking some pre-cooked turkey in a bit of foil in my bag, and make a big show if getting it out and putting it on my plate at dinner time, or tell them you'll be going to your mum's for your turkey dinner and so you'll be over later.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 20/12/2016 18:55

Could you go after the meal? Just get DP to firmly state as you're not being catered for (fair enough their choice to be inhospitable), what time would suit.

It does need to be said now. You are offended. This issue will only grow if they aren't asked to give you equal family status.

MissClarke86 · 20/12/2016 18:55

Do they really know you don't eat cauli cheese? Because that to me is a lovely veggie alternative and could be a main meal on its own. They sound like they're doing that as a veggie alternative for you and might not have realised you don't like it.

To be honest OP, I think you sound quite fussy and I don't blame them. Its kind of you to have catered for everyone in the past but nobody made you, that was your choice. 3/4 types of meat is a lot of hassle.

Just take a bit of chicken and reheat it, it's really not worth the drama.

BasinHaircut · 20/12/2016 18:56

Tell her you will make something else because you prefer it.

Original poster
Pugmomma · 20/12/2016 18:56

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties I agree, I'm going to just go, enjoy what I can, and fake a huge smile. When his sister is home, they do a nut roast or that fake quorn stuff

OP posts:
Ludlowlass · 20/12/2016 18:56

Selfish gifts! Can you not say 'I'll happily make the snowball cake if you cook me a turkey you know I love it!" 😉

Ludlowlass · 20/12/2016 18:56

Gits not gifts!

LightTripper · 20/12/2016 18:57

Are you sure they know you don't like cauliflower cheese? If it was me I would be happy with that (because I love cauliflower cheese!) - but if I really didn't fancy what they said they were cooking I'd buy a ready meal portion of chicken and stuffing and take it with me. I wouldn't read it as something targeted at you if you get on generally.

I do think it's lovely that you've bent over backwards to cater for everybody's whims the last few years, but it doesn't mean you can dictate that they have to do the same when it's their turn. If it was me I'd just take something this year, and then if I hosted again I would cook what I wanted to cook and not do different options for everybody unless you actively enjoy doing that (again, if they want something special they can bring it).

AndNowItsSeven · 20/12/2016 18:57

It maybe because you aren't a vegetarian you are just particular. If you don't eat meat because you believe it's cruel etc people can understand that. Saying I won't eat a cow , lamb etc but Turkey and chicken etc I am fine with doesn't make much sense.

MissClarke86 · 20/12/2016 18:57

Also, the meat is only one thing on a Christmas dinner.

Roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, myriad of veg, cauli cheese, there's plenty more to the dinner. They probably don't see the meat as a big deal as there's plenty else you can eat. It's just unfortunate you don't like half the veggie offerings either!

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 20/12/2016 18:58

If you do go and feign enjoyment, you are a better woman than me. I would be spiking their drinks with anti-freeze!

Make sure though that you really, REALLY being GREAT enjoyment. ("Ooooh. This cauliflower cheese is AMAZING!!! It hardly tastes like SICK at ALL!" and "Boiled carrots! One of my very favourite root vegetables prepared in the most bland, flavour-destroying and uninspiring way possible! Fabulous - who can object to food that tastes of nothing? Certainly not me!!!!")

And smile a lot.

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 20/12/2016 18:58

8feign, not being

sleepingkoala · 20/12/2016 18:59

Yes it's pretty rude and thoughtless of them. Would they have made more of an effort for you sister in law if she was there with making a proper veggie dish that she would actually like? I can totally understand why you'd feel left out and un-cared for. If I were you I'd just make a point of bringing my own pre-cooked dish and ask if you can quickly heat it up in the oven at some point. Then maybe they will see how un catered for you they are making you. I hope your husband is more understanding now as it doesn't sound he was from what you said his reaction was? If he is more understanding then that should make it easier for you to handle going to the dinner, knowing he's on your side. Maybe talk to him about how you're feeling about it all.

Aderyn2016 · 20/12/2016 19:01

Well I hope you've said no, that you are having a rest this year having catered for them all for the last 3 years.
I don't get why you haven't asked them to cook you some white meat. If they refuse, you can point out all the effort you have made over the years and then go to your mum's!

sleepingkoala · 20/12/2016 19:01

And as for the in laws some people are just inconsiderate about certain things. I'd just try to see it as their problem and try to put it aside and try to just enjoy it anyway if you are definitely going to the dinner at theirs. If it's bothering you that much then you could tell them how you feel yourself if you're close enough with them. otherwise, maybe they'd get the hint when you have to bring your own dish.

Diamondjoan · 20/12/2016 19:02

I'm not sure why your BF is not getting this, your point is quite clear here so it sounds like he just doesn't give a shit about you either. I would be spelling it out to him to sort this out asap or you'll be dining elsewhere.

RandomMess · 20/12/2016 19:03

Think I'd buy some nice turkey from the deli counter and pop it on my plate and make a point of saying how it would be nicer to have proper hot turkey rather than having to bring your own Wink

sugarplumfairy28 · 20/12/2016 19:03

There are so many angles you can take on this.

It is a little unreasonable to 'expect' someone to cater for you specifically if it clashes with their plans - having said that, if you are close, and you have repeatedly shown that you are willing to go the extra mile for them, then I would say you are totally within your rights to feel forgotten, left out and a problem not worth solving.
Treat others as you would want to be treated and all that.

How things turns out is up to you though.

You can either raise it now, either yourself or DP and ask that they cook something for you. That might not result in the best meal though.

You can be passive about it, put on your best I didn't want to be a problem, and take your own. You might get the point across that what they have offered isn't enough or fair, while maintaining an air of being accommodating and understanding (which at present you do appear to have)

You can do nothing and just go along with it. I think that this might actually make you feel worse. You risk no-one noticing and it happening again and this upset feeling may stay with you a lot longer.

You can change your plans and go to your family. That would certainly get DPs family to ask what has happened, but that could result in a much larger more enduring argument.

Or you can put this Christmas in the bag and whenever you host Christmas dinner again make a point at how generous you have been in the past and give them a taste of their own medicine. Doing that though you may hold onto this resentment for a lot longer, and spend the next fearing or anticipating comments and arguments.

I hope you figure it out.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2016 19:05

Oh ok, so they do a nut roast for their daughter? I can see why you're a bit hurt but I don't think they're intentionally overlooking you.

I imagine you're one of those people that are really capable in the kitchen and good at cooking. You have to imagine that your mil may find it a real stress and difficult to please everyone and I don't imagine her husband helps. If there are also children attending, that's more stress if they're fussy. If she's not an adventurous cook, it can be a real nightmare to make lots of different dishes.

You could tell her you are bringing a turkey crown, you insist, to help out, and then have a quiet word on the day outlining why you felt a bit hurt that they 'forgot' your wishes not to eat red meat?

yellowfrog · 20/12/2016 19:07

yes, I have no sense of humour, but TheSlaughterOfHerodificado - "I would be spiking their drinks with anti-freeze!" - you know that would kill them, yes? Just seems a little harsh.

jaguar67 · 20/12/2016 19:12

SnowyPaws has got it right

And do NOT host for this miserable bunch again. You sound lovely & thoughtful, you don't deserve this. And your DP is out of line too.

It's just one meal, hope the rest of your Xmas is just great xx

Whocansay · 20/12/2016 19:14

Why is your DP happy for you to bend over backwards for them, but expects you to make do? I would go to your mum's and leave them to it. I would take that as a deliberate snub and I don't think much of your DP. Not exactly in your corner, is he?

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2016 19:14

Given you know they know, they have been told on numerous occasions (ooh, what does this remind me of?!) then I think Yanbu, tbh, especially as you have catered to their tastes over the years. Just take the meat you want and ask for oven/microwave place.

It maybe because you aren't a vegetarian you are just particular. If you don't eat meat because you believe it's cruel etc people can understand that. Saying I won't eat a cow , lamb etc but Turkey and chicken etc I am fine with doesn't make much sense

But is the OP's choice, to which she is entitled. Took me a loooong time after stopping being a quite militant vegetarian to eat anything other than chicken, I couldn't stomach it, don't know why, lamb still makes me feel sick.

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