To want to skip the family xmas dinner

[Pugmomma]

For the past 3 years I've always made xmas dinner for the family at my place, and have always done my best to cater for everyone; last year I did gamon and coke in slow cooker, a turkey crown and a joint of beef, as well as a nut roast for DPs sister who is veggie.

All this year DPs family have said they want to do xmas dinner this year, so we agreed it back in September ish. Then DPs mum popped around today for a brew, and says they'll be doing beef and gammon on xmas day.

Feel so put out as the whole family knows I don't eat any red meats etc at all- I only eat turkey, chicken and fish. DPs sister is away abroad this year in asia so there won't even be the option for nut roast etc.

Just feel like I don't matter at all. I mean for the last 3 years I've cooked for all of them, including beef and gammon when I don't eat them.

Told all this to DP and he said well there'll be veg and potatoes etc! I was a bit miffed. I hate sprouts (yet still cooked them for his family!), so I'd be having carrots, peas and potatoes for xmas dinner.

I actually feel quite sad and dreading it now. It's not so much the only eating veg, it's more feeling like they don't care/I don't matter.

AIBU?

YANBU. It's very thoughtless of them. I would bring something along and put it in the oven myself.

I'm not even arsed about the actual food now, just the thoughtlessness of it all. I won't be having them over again. Feel like just telling them they can shove it. I told my mum and now she's insisting we go there, but I can't do that as it'll cause so much friction. What's annoying me more is DP saying that I'll still enjoy it as I don't eat much meat anyway. Don't think he realises that that isn't the point! After 3 years of tearing my hair out cooking something different for everyone, it'd be nice to have it reciprocated. Urgh, dreading it. Going to be awkward.

Honestly? People with funny food requirements should always expect to and offer to take their own. If you don't like the meal that's on offer, fend for yourself. As my dear old mum always used to say, it's not a bloody hotel!

I would take your own meat over!

Funny food requirements? I've done everything for them in previous years. It's Christmas, surely a turkey is normal? I don't even care about the food anyway tbh, just the lack of bloody care.

Make your own nut roast and get them to pop it in the oven so you can have something nice. And in future don't be a martyr!

Pug - I think you are right that it isn't about the food. You've made a huge effort over the last few years for your DP's family, and they can't be bothered for you.

I have to say that I think your DP is being a bit insensitive. Actually, hugely insensitive and unsupportive.

How is your relationship with DP and his family as a rule?

Fuck them. Stay at home with DD and have a selection box for lunch.

They sound extremely selfish and inconsiderate to me !

YA definitely NBU!

They are being selfish and thoughtless.

I would do as SnoweyPaws suggested and ask them to cook a chicken, or a small turkey joint (you can buy these almost anywhere). If they refuse, then I would go to your DM's and tell your DP to enjoy himself with his Apex Predator Family.

And if you ever host the family Christmas meal again, I would cook ONE joint (perhaps an enormous nut roast, so that DP's sister can eat it) and let them see what it feels like to be also-rans at a celebration meal.

(I am also rather shocked that they would be prepared to provide a nut roast for a member of their own "blood" family, but won't provide something that you can enjoy. Toerags! )

Crocus - how is turkey or chicken a "funny food requirement"?

Funny food requirements? It's not like the OP had says she only eats roast phoenix in unicorn tear gravy - she just doesn't eat red meat.

I think they're being pretty rude.

You've basically cooked FOUR meals for them every year (off your list, I would do beef and something for veggies, but fuck the rest!) and they CBA to either cook you something or even say 'We're having gammon and beef; there'll be cauli cheese and the usual veg, but do bring something else for yourself if you'd like.'

Honestly? People with funny food requirements should always expect to and offer to take their own. If you don't like the meal that's on offer, fend for yourself. As my dear old mum always used to say, it's not a bloody hotel!

Why not go the whole hog and demand everyone brings their own food to a dinner invitation?

An invitation to dinner is about hospitality. If you can't be hospitable by being considerate of your guests eating dislikes (especially someone who has catered for your family for the past THREE Xmas dinners) then don't bloody invite them and don't cause friction when they don't want to come.

I totally sympathise. You have gone out your way to make sure everyone's tastes are catered for. But when it's their turn you just have to put up and shut up. Well blow that OP. Tell the lot of them to do one. (I'm about to do the same myself)

Well that's you put firmly in your place, isn't it? I wouldn't want to go either.

For your DP's comment alone, I'd be taking DD to your mother's and all eating there! What kind of family prepare food they know someone doesn't eat.

Turkey is only dry when cooked badly.

glentherednosedbattleostrich hahah I absolutely love that! I just might 😂 Usually get along well with them, which is why I can't understand it all. They can be a bit insensitive with things, but this is just a whole new level. I just dont see what else I can do/say now as DP has rang and told them how I don't eat red meat and they've said they're doing cauliflower cheese, so I don't know whether they genuinely think that will actually be something I wanted? If that makes sense? I feel like I'm being dramatic so now I think I'll just go and feign enjoyment of it, before going home drinking a bottle of something strong and stuffing my soul with biscuits and chocs 😳

If you host them again, only cook what you like and sod their red meat

Although I wouldn't bother hosting them at all

I would just go to your mams and let your dp go to his parents. If they don't want to cater to you and include you in the meal then go elsewhere. If I thought they had just forgotten I would have brought a cooked chicken with me but as your dp has spoken to them and they still wont include you in the meal after you have for them I would do my own thing. I spent 10 years cooking for dh's siblings, partner and kids (16 for dinner not including ourselves) and not once was it returned or appreciated only expected. Not once did I get a bunch of flowers in thanks even. Just moaning over not including enough veggie options or cooking spicy beef like their parents did, moaning over desserts and ringing each year looking for me to cook. Never again.

And the fact that they said oh well we're doing plenty of cauli cheese- they full well knew I wouldn't eat it. I wouldn't care if they'd said to me oh bring something. They just don't give a damnnnn

I'd go to your mums have lots to eat and havea good time.

Tell your DH to tell them they made you a proper Xmas lunch and made you feel like they care about you.