Am I a big failure if I don't produce the perfect xmas dinner?

[Lilifer]

My in laws are coming to dinner this year. They live very nearby and I get on pretty well with them. FIL is quite old fashioned and stuffy in his views at time, product of his upbringing etc would think all domestic stuff is the woman's work and men don't get involved in the kitchen.
I've no issue with that but the thing is I am not very domesticated, I don't really enjoy cooking as I do enough of it every day as a SAHM of 5 kids so for me xmas day is just another day of cooking except with much more pressure and expectations attached.
The last time PIL came to us i had decided to change things up a bit a do a roast beef instead as we are not that fussed about turkey but FIL expressed such horror at this departure from tradition that I backed down and decided to cook turkey.
This year I will cook turkey as it's just easier than upsetting anyone but I'm a bit worried that my dinner won't be up to scratch cos
A. I don't bother cooking a ham (too much extra work and kids not that in to it)
B. I don't do sprouts cos most of us loathe them
C. I don't bother with a starter cos there is so much food in the main course and dessert that a starter is not really needed esp when kids have been snacking all day on quality street (and me too if I'm honest!)

Does that sound totally pathetic to you? The table will look lovely and the food I do serve will be tasty and hot, it's just a scaled down version of the norm, but it means that I get to enjoy the day too without having to spend all day either prepping food or washing up.
I fear the PILs will feel a bit short changed though

I hate turkey.

I'm cooking for 12 this year as every year and my position is simple.

I'm happy to host Christmas for the family, but I choose what to cook. I'll let you know in advance whats on offer and if you don't like it, don't come.

If you do come and whine about it, then you won't be invited next year .

I have to host for 3 days, so will be doing a ham because it suits me to, but it's not obligatory by any means.

I love cooking however hate spending all Christmas day coking.

So this year everything is from Iceland - straight from freezer to oven. Frozen chicken in bacon parcel thing, frozen roast potatoes, frozen parsnips, frozen carrots, frozen stuffing, frozen pigs in blankets, frozen Yorkshire puddings and just maybe some fresh green beans.

I am quite capable of producing all of that from scratch but on Christmas day I don't want to. I want to drink champs and watch the queens speech

oh and never a ham or starter.

IME the people who complain have often never cooked anything more than toast or other very simple things. Anyone who has cooked day in day out for a family will probably be much more grateful they haven't had to cook for once.

Very true.

FIL in the case is the one complaining and yet has never lifted a finger.

I'm happy to host Christmas for the family, but I choose what to cook. I'll let you know in advance whats on offer and if you don't like it, don't come.

If you do come and whine about it, then you won't be invited next year

Totally with you, Eats.

I have been talking to DS and we may not bother with turkey at all this year, as we both like the extras - pigs in blankets, stuffing, etc - so much better.

Cook what you like! And if the in-laws want a ham, they can always bring it themselves.

Your dinner sounds absolutely lovely.

There will be ham here but only because we all like it and it only takes 2 hours on the hob. Everything else will be bought stuff. Am liking the sound of aldi frozen roasties. Oh and don't do yourself out of pigs in blankets they're the food of the gods!

OP I posted this on another thread where a poster was worried about cooking for 12.

This is my "plan". As you can see I have no issues with cutting a few corners (like bought in roast potatoes, even though I can cook them well myself). Key is prep as much in advance and think about how you can re-use some things i.e. Cook one serve twice.

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Like you OP I'm cooking for 12 this year as I do every bloody year but in my case over Boxing Day as well and 27th also.

I've pretty much much got it nailed now. We don't eat until late 6pm Xmas day so the in laws can go to church locally before they travel to us.

Ok my plan this year:

Christmas Eve:

I'll cook a large ham and soup and cauliflower cheese.
In addition I'll be cooking a vat of cock-au-vin
Then I'll cook a curry for me, DH and the kids to eat that evening. I double portion and freeze half.

I set the dining room table.

Christmas Day

I lay out the ham, plus some lovely pate, cheese and deli items on the kitchen table for everyone to nibble on and help themselves.

For the main event I'll serve the soup I made as a starter.

Controversial I know but I don't do turkey. Firstly I don't like it and secondly it's all the pfaff of the the trimmings that's a pain (stuffing, pigs in blankets, cranberry/bread sauce etc).

I will be cooking a huge rib of beef which looks spectacular but also means I can forget all those fiddly trimmings. I'll serve it with roast (I'll be buying pre-prepped ones cooked in goose fat) and mash potatoes (I'll cook double of the latter), the cauliflower cheese I made before, glazed carrots and broccoli - plus lashings of red wine gravy that I'll make with some bought in stock.

There will be xmas pudding and a bought in posh chocolate dessert option.

Boxing Day

I'll cook an English breakfast to fill everyone up.

Then we'll eat again around 4pm (so I get to skip cooking lunch and dinner)

This will be the cock-au-vin with jacket potatoes. So all I have to do is re-heat the chicken, shove some potatoes in the oven and cook some green beans.

We will have cheese and biscuits (left from the xmas day deli spread) for dessert.

27th:

Bacon sarnies for breakfast

I'll make a chicken and ham pie with the left over ham (and bought in pastry) and serve it with the rest of the mash I made on xmas day, plus some broccoli.

Pudding I'll probably buy in something like and apple pie and custard.

Then.....by 8pm when everyone has gone I'll open a well deserved bottle of champagne 

For the next few days we will survive on leftovers and curry so I don't have to cook anything!

Could you cook the turkey really low over night or get up early to put it on? I'd probably buy frozen roast potatoes and even ready made veg to take the pressure off! Maybe MIL could bring the dessert?

I'm sure it'll all go ok, just don't do what Denise did in the Royle family Christmas special

I insist on ham!

I'm not even "cooking" turkey and ham. My local butchers doez an amazing pre-cookex fresh turkey and ham slices already stuffed. They are individual portions with 6 portions per pack.

I'll stick them in a roasting dish smothered in gravy and then into the oven for 45 mins.
Frozen roasties 25 mins in the oven. Only going on the hob will be the frozen veg and frozen sprouts .

23rd dec I will make the jelly for the kids dessert of jelly and ice cream on christmas day, as well as making the jelly and sponge portion of the trifle for christmas day. The rest of the trifle will be made from ready made custard but freshly whipped cream oh and canned fruit cocktail.

I love cooking but cba spending christmas day stuck in the kitchen doing it. Dh usually does the dinner but had a septoplasty and adenoid removal this morning (i'm sat in the hospital waiting for him to come out of the recovery room atm), so I wouldn't trust him near the cooker this year lol.

I'm also going to spend christmas eve morning baking. None of us like the traditional christmas cake/pud so instead I am making a red velvet cake and vanilla and chocolate cupcakes. However this is some thing I am choosing to do as I love baking even more than cooking. No one is expecting me to do this and certainly wouldn't complain if I didn't do it. They are just greatful that they don't have to do it.

Also my guests will clean up after the christmas dinner for me. I have NOT asked them to do this nor do i expect them to but I was told that because i'm cooking they are cleaning so that I then get to sit and play with my kids for a couple of hours before the younger ones bedtime.

So after all that yes you abu if you think your dinner makes you a failure. If I was going to yours you would be damned sure I would be mucking in and helping you whereever you need help; be that with the cooking, cleaning up after etc.

Issue orders to your dh if you have bur do NOT let him sit on his arse all day. Also anytime your mil needs anything let a shout at fil to get up and get it eg "fil does mil need a refil? Oh she does? Well then the (whatever drink) is over by the such and such get her a top there. Thanks" type of thing.

Make him wait on her for once.

Does and precooked ffs.

I do agree with PP's that the "whingers" are overwhelmingly people who've never cooked at all at Christmas and have no idea at the effort involved.

That in itself is a good enough reason to ignore them .

My DM's view can be surmised as follows "Cook whatever you like Eats. As long as it's hot and tasty I'll be nothing but bloody grateful that after 20 years of hosting Christmas, someone else is doing it".

Could you not cook the dinner that the majority/you like and then buy in a smaller amount of near ready turkey sprouts just for him?

If I was the OP I'd cook beef and be damned.

I certainly wouldn't cook an "extra" meal for someone (aside from a member of my party whose veggie which I don't mind - it's fussy and overbearing that gets my goat).

Thanks there are some great suggestions there.

Thing is my dh works up to 7PM XMAS eve so i usually am at home all that day and do all the peeling of veg and stuff myself simple cos he isn't there and i don't want us to have to sit down on xmas eve night to start in to all that, (we go to church on xmas eve with the kids and i like to be able to relax and enjoy the evening)
dh works 1-2pm on xmas days as he is pharmacist on duty so again he isn't much use in the kitchen at that time, but in the face of resistance i insist we eat as close to 2pm as possible so that the meal is done and dusted by late after noon and i can relax with the kids pressies and wine. If up to to Dh and FIL meal would be around 5.30 cos that is when they always had theirs but when i was a kids we always sat down to xmas dinner between 1 an 2 so i insisted, also cos when the kids were really small it was better to have the big mea earlier in the day rather than drag it out in to the evening when they were exhausted .

in fairness to dh he knows nothing about his mum killing herself over making xmas cake and pudding and would be really cross with her if he knew she was putting herself through that. MIL just feels that FIL will be disappointed if she doesn't come up with a cake and pudding every year.

Its utter madness and a tyranny of sorts!

Why, why, why are people doing cauliflower cheese with gravy it is so wrong on so many levels!

I do a ham on Christmas Eve because I like to have leftover ham to go with leftover turkey in pies. Agree that starter is not necessary for Christmas lunch.

Oh yes, the edge where cauliflower cheese and gravy meet

An oil slick of grim.

I have to agree that cauliflower cheese does not go with Xmas dinner! I love it, but it doesnt go!!

People like cauliflower cheese with christmas dinner to disguise the taste of cauliflower. They also like gravy. I do try avoid the two mixing, but it's not a problem if they do. I don't like peas or carrots so we have neither.

We usually have sprouts, cauliflower cheese and roast parsnips. Just have what you like and don't have what you don't like.

LadyMonica Have you seen the Pie Minister leftovers pie. I plan on making this a couple of days after Christmas. All your christmas dinner leftovers mixed up in a creamy sauce and encased in a pie. Yum.

Op do as you please. It's your Christmas as much as theirs.

We don't have a starter. We have turkey, stuffing, a few types of veg, roast potatoes, pigs in blankets, then a couple of shop bought puddings.

Oh and dh will do 59/50 of all of that.

If your fil doesn't like what you make then he can cook it or eat at his own house.

It is not your job o please everyone just because you are a woman.

Cauliflower cheese with xmas dinner is so wrong.

And when did people start doing mash and roast spuds - roasties are all you need.

I blame the Americans.

Do whatever you want to do! You're the chef, and it's your home & your choice. If he doesn't like it let him cook his own!

OP - I can relate to your plight! FIL - "the colonel" - has now passed away but he was genuinely the only person I used to get flustered about cooking for. And I speak as someone who's been doing dinner parties for 12 plus people who I generally don't know inc DH's business associates and god knows who else for years. I would find that far easier than just having FIL and MIL over for lunch! FIL never actually said anything rude, but it was more his manner that made me feel judged.
DH only told me after his father's funeral that he'd always been scared of him too, so maybe I wasn't over-reacting.
These days I'm very relaxed about Xmas dinner because MIL and my mother will be helping and I've learned to not get stressed about them taking over. SIL and I will be on the . DH and BIL don't cook but would never presume to complain about anything at least.
One day you will look back at the situation with FIL and laugh.