Christmas has rapidly turned to shit. Can I ban him from the house and her from calling me about it?

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

If I out myself, which I might as there's a lot of detail, please don't out me.

Backstory.

I have a violent horrific father and a difficult, possibly has BPD and narcissism, they finally split when my father left her for another woman my sisters age. I have rarely seen him in the last five years as he lives abroad.

My mother is on uber strong ADs and was suicidal. I am less of a crutch to her than my older sister who gets the very worst of all of it.

My father, whilst the bigger monster with no redeeming features, is a weird awful non communicative man my mother is no picture. Her abuse is perhaps not quite as obvious but damaging and pernicious in it's own way.
For a start she claims I've made up the things that happened to me as a child (mainly being hit) until I met my husband in my mid twenties.

So after leaving my mother after 40 years and saying stuff he can never take back, and hasn't tried, he's here for Christmas. He hadn't even had a conversation with her for five years. He's not trying to get back with her and hasn't said anything of the sort.

He's retiring next year and realises his money is not good enough to split in two and my mother doesn't have a good private pension as she assumed she'd be with him and she's never had an amazingly well paid job. My Dad has been lucky.

I spoke with him this afternoon and asked his intentions, without too much of an awkward conversation (on the phone) he shouted and swore at me and I put the phone down.

I was planning, for months, for myself DH and our children to have Christmas day on our own. Very relaxed. My mother seems to want to pretend to play happy families, when the truth is she ruined many a christmas day when I was a child if he didn't buy the right thing and then he would go mental. They ruined my sons first christmas by turning up hours late then creating an awful atmosphere. The last few years we've had her here suicidal, crying loudly and making huge fusses.... never EVER putting on a brave face and trying to make the best of everything.

I have now said I'm not having him here, he's horrid and when he's not being horrid he's not nice..... he just, literally, takes the piss out of me and my children in a nasty way, is silent or is monosyllabic.

I know this will make life harder for her.

To be honest if she hasn't been killed or taken her own life by the end of Christmas I'll think the festive season has been a success.

AIBU to leave him to her?

Thanks again.

I am reading with interest and now neck ache from all the nodding

There's a lot of us out here Tales who have endured, not necessarily the exact same situation you are having to deal with, but recognise the unrelenting stress of managing dysfunctional parents. We perhaps have kept hoping that by some miracle they will grow up and be the parents we deserved or continue to hope for. Know that your parents won't and cannot change. It is not your job to try and fix them. They failed you and, to use a mumsnet term, continue to somehow feel entitled. They do not deserve your time, your compassion or your energy. Keep that for your own little family. You know the pain and hurt that they have inflicted on you. Don't expose your children to that pain.
Those of us who have found the strength, and it does take strength, to let go of that hope, that dream, of a happy family with our parents can say categorically, it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.

Hope it goes well with your sister today.

You need to realise you are both adults now. You don't have to be bullied anymore. In particular you owe your father nothing.
There is no reason to feel the tiniest bit of guilt.
Bite the bullet - ring your mother later and tell her you are not having Christmas/ Boxing Day with her this year and you've finally had enough.
You don't have to explain further.
Tell everyone you care about to text you over Christmas not ring you so you can ignore her calls.
Unfortunately I don't think your sister will be able to extricate herself so easily but you can't do that for her.
Don't ring her on Boxing Day - unless you want the abuse she gives you to ruin your day. (Been there.)

Enjoy your Christmas then think about what you want in the new year.
Look back on this thread and you'll see you've answered yourself anyway on the first page when you say you just want them both to fuck off.

You've been the best daughter you could be under the circumstances. That's all you need to tell yourself.