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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas has rapidly turned to shit. Can I ban him from the house and her from calling me about it?

103 replies

TalesoftwoChristmasses · 19/12/2016 17:44

If I out myself, which I might as there's a lot of detail, please don't out me.

Backstory.

I have a violent horrific father and a difficult, possibly has BPD and narcissism, they finally split when my father left her for another woman my sisters age. I have rarely seen him in the last five years as he lives abroad.

My mother is on uber strong ADs and was suicidal. I am less of a crutch to her than my older sister who gets the very worst of all of it.

My father, whilst the bigger monster with no redeeming features, is a weird awful non communicative man my mother is no picture. Her abuse is perhaps not quite as obvious but damaging and pernicious in it's own way.
For a start she claims I've made up the things that happened to me as a child (mainly being hit) until I met my husband in my mid twenties.

So after leaving my mother after 40 years and saying stuff he can never take back, and hasn't tried, he's here for Christmas. He hadn't even had a conversation with her for five years. He's not trying to get back with her and hasn't said anything of the sort.

He's retiring next year and realises his money is not good enough to split in two and my mother doesn't have a good private pension as she assumed she'd be with him and she's never had an amazingly well paid job. My Dad has been lucky.

I spoke with him this afternoon and asked his intentions, without too much of an awkward conversation (on the phone) he shouted and swore at me and I put the phone down.

I was planning, for months, for myself DH and our children to have Christmas day on our own. Very relaxed. My mother seems to want to pretend to play happy families, when the truth is she ruined many a christmas day when I was a child if he didn't buy the right thing and then he would go mental. They ruined my sons first christmas by turning up hours late then creating an awful atmosphere. The last few years we've had her here suicidal, crying loudly and making huge fusses.... never EVER putting on a brave face and trying to make the best of everything.

I have now said I'm not having him here, he's horrid and when he's not being horrid he's not nice..... he just, literally, takes the piss out of me and my children in a nasty way, is silent or is monosyllabic.

I know this will make life harder for her.

To be honest if she hasn't been killed or taken her own life by the end of Christmas I'll think the festive season has been a success.

AIBU to leave him to her?

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/12/2016 19:01

Why not ask your sister over and make sure your parents know they aren't invited? From what you've written it seems like the kindest thing you can do is support your sister in extricating herself from your parents.

amysmummy12345 · 19/12/2016 19:07

I'd second seeing them on neutral ground maybe the middle of next week, be firm and tell them you're not entertaining anyone over Christmas, if you can't face it fake it and tell them the norovirus has wiped you all out from Xmas eve to day after boxing day. They are grown adults and after all they have put you through they don't deserve the head space.

nicenewdusters · 19/12/2016 19:11

Invite your sister over for Christmas. As for your parents, leave them alone to rot. Given what they put their own children through they deserve each other. As someone up thread said, for a constantly suicidal person she's very much alive still. Tell them to leave you alone, this Christmas and for the rest of your life.

Revealall · 19/12/2016 19:12

All agreed here.

I'd be honest too. Tell them there is too much fighting and arguing when they come round and you don't need it at Christmas.
They are only coming because they hate their lives on their own. They aren't interesting in making it a nice Christmas for you are they.

Original poster

TalesoftwoChristmasses · 19/12/2016 19:12

My sister is married to a lovely guy and they have two children.

OP posts:

Lynnm63 · 19/12/2016 19:20

YANBU with bells on.
You have a family and your only duty is to them. You must protect them from your abusers. Do not let them come to your house. If you must meet them, although why you'd want to I don't know, make sure it's in a public place so you can leave if they start.
If they turn up at the house ignore them. If they won't go away you can call the police just as you would if a drunk stranger turned up on your doorstep.
So sorry you and your sister had such a horrible life with your parents.

April229 · 19/12/2016 19:22

You are not BU? Sounds like you have put up with their crap for years. Enough now, you have your own family and can start making happy family memories that they didn't let you have when you were young.

Close the doors, cosy in with your eh and kids and turn your phones off. Have a brilliant day. X

April229 · 19/12/2016 19:23

Ops sorry no '?' Needed.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/12/2016 19:25

Honestly OP, you can't now (sadly) change your own childhood. However, you can make sure that these people have no impact on your own DCs' upbringings.

I'm aware that may sound harsh, as they are your DPs and your DC's GPs, but not everyone deserves that position I'm afraid.

Definitely have your Christmas without them. I'm sure you can find a way to see your sister without seeing either of them.

Best of luck .

Footinmouthasusual · 19/12/2016 19:33

You can't change the past but you can the future.

Absolutely protect your dds and have a nice Christmas with your sister and family.

If you take the initiative and go non contact maybe your dsis would get the courage to do the same.

You and both your partners and kids deserve better than those shit bags.

Daydream007 · 19/12/2016 19:38

YANBU. Keep them away for your children's sakes.

CakesRUs · 19/12/2016 19:42

YANBU. He made you miserable, don't give him to chance to ruin your kids christmas and make them miserable too.

YorkiesGlasses · 19/12/2016 19:45

I want my parents to both fuck off.

Tell your DM that you're having a small quiet Christmas this year, and you'll call her for a chat on Boxing Day. Christmas does tend to be the most stressful time of year for family bust-ups so I'd keep things low key until the new year, and then start to consider going NC. It doesn't sound like either of your parents enhance your life!

And if anyone starts banging at your front door, call the police.

NeighTrumpSnort · 19/12/2016 19:52

Why on earth would you subject your children to them? If you know they are nasty and will ruin the day then your priority is to protect your children.

You had a awful childhood and miserable Christmases....but your children don't have too.

wobblywindows · 19/12/2016 19:55

Agree with the above: your parents are dysfunctional and dangerous to your children. Hence no contact, no contact over Christmas, no visiting rights. Change your phone numbers. If you think they might come over uninvited have a word with your local constabulary beforehand to see what they advise.

ArcheryAnnie · 19/12/2016 20:34

My parents are dead, OP, but apart from that, a lot of that sounds amazingly familiar. I know from experience it gets especially grim.

You have a responsibility to yourself and your kids, not your difficult parents. Nothing you can ever do with fix them, make them happy or change them, so see them on your terms, when you want to, and not when they demand.

If you need to lie to them to say you aren't available for xmas, feel free. If you want to visit them for an hour or so (separately, I presume, wherever they will be) then that's your choice. You don't have to turn over your home, or your whole day to them. They are grownups and can manage for themselves.

And I know having a suicidal and manipulative parent can make saying "no" an absolute nightmare - but you have to know that nothing you are doing or not doing is the thing that will make her hurt herself or not. It's her own choices, and nothing you can do will affect that in either direction.

Get a new phone, use that for all other calls, and keep your current phone just for your parents. And turn the ringer down when you don't want to speak to them.

I know all this will be very difficult, OP, but they are already difficult, so I don't see that you are losing anything by not caving into their demands.

Jux · 19/12/2016 20:39

Don't. Just don't.

Let your own children be free of miserable Christmas memories. Tell the lot of them to f off; you can't make them behave normally let alone well. They are all adults and are responsible for themselves. I'm sorry for your sister, but there's nothing you can do in this particular scenario that will make anything better.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 19/12/2016 20:55

This is just FUBAR.

Your toxic dad leaves, letting you and your sister deal with the aftermath of your enabling toxic mother. Then expects to waltz back into your mothers life - who doesn't seem to want to stop him.

They both expect after a lifetime of abusive parenting - which is still continuing - for you and your sister to prioritise their wants over that of your respective partners and children.

There is only one real response here OP and that's NO. I won't host you over the Christmas holiday. I won't subject my family to the abuse I endured. In fact, given the two of you seem to be so cosy again please retire to your mutually enabling toxic bubble and stay there permanently, away from me and mine. Oh and fuck you both.

nellieellie · 19/12/2016 21:04

Oh my goodness. I can feel your sense of responsibility in your post. Your mum has been a victim, and clearly continues that role, but seeks to cast you as an emotional crutch. Your mum is an adult. You are not responsible for supporting her in renewing a destructive relationship with your father, or somehow mending the damage done by their dysfunctional marriage. Please just have Christmas with your children. Either make an excuse or tell your mum that you do not want your father in your house. I would change the number or block her calls. Don't let them ruin your family life just like they ruined your childhood. Be strong, do not accept your DMs emotional blackmail. Live your life.

Foxysoxy01 · 19/12/2016 21:14

You need to prioritise yourself, your DC and your DH.

Your mother is an adult, albeit a poorly functioning one, as is your father. Their relationship is nothing to do with you. It's not your problem and not worth worrying about.

You really should drop all contact, block her calls and start a completely new, clean chapter of your life without them in it at all, no calls, no visits and just try to forget them completely.

They are vile human beings and should be left alone to live with their vileness, preferably together and away from everyone else!

IdaDown · 19/12/2016 22:09

What do you want your DCs to remember of Christmas?

Keep that in mind.

It's just as much their day as it is your DH's day.

If you don't feel strong enough to go NC for yourself, do it for them.

If it helps ask DH to tell your parents no. It's not about being a surrendered wife type but your DH can help you make these first few hard steps by being the buffer.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 19/12/2016 22:18

I agree with this. I think you both need to extricate yourselves from your parents. Please don't let your abusive dad in your house.

Lucked · 19/12/2016 22:20

I think you need to make it very clear your father is not and never will be welcome in your house. And your mother welcoming him back? It's unbelievable.

Don't have them over, block them,detach. No explanation necessary. You are putting your own family first.

Do try and spend time with your sister and if possible find ways for her to take a step back.

LuluJakey1 · 19/12/2016 22:34

Don't have them there at all. Turn your phones off and don't answer the door. Just have a nce time with DH and your children on Christmas Day and with your sister and BIL on Boxing Day. Don't feel guilty. Let it go and enjoy your Christmas. You are not responsible for either of them. They sound vile and abusive.

KatieScarlett · 19/12/2016 22:38

You keep your DC as far as possible away from these people. Give them the Christmas you never had.

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