Christmas has rapidly turned to shit. Can I ban him from the house and her from calling me about it?

[TalesoftwoChristmasses]

If I out myself, which I might as there's a lot of detail, please don't out me.

Backstory.

I have a violent horrific father and a difficult, possibly has BPD and narcissism, they finally split when my father left her for another woman my sisters age. I have rarely seen him in the last five years as he lives abroad.

My mother is on uber strong ADs and was suicidal. I am less of a crutch to her than my older sister who gets the very worst of all of it.

My father, whilst the bigger monster with no redeeming features, is a weird awful non communicative man my mother is no picture. Her abuse is perhaps not quite as obvious but damaging and pernicious in it's own way.
For a start she claims I've made up the things that happened to me as a child (mainly being hit) until I met my husband in my mid twenties.

So after leaving my mother after 40 years and saying stuff he can never take back, and hasn't tried, he's here for Christmas. He hadn't even had a conversation with her for five years. He's not trying to get back with her and hasn't said anything of the sort.

He's retiring next year and realises his money is not good enough to split in two and my mother doesn't have a good private pension as she assumed she'd be with him and she's never had an amazingly well paid job. My Dad has been lucky.

I spoke with him this afternoon and asked his intentions, without too much of an awkward conversation (on the phone) he shouted and swore at me and I put the phone down.

I was planning, for months, for myself DH and our children to have Christmas day on our own. Very relaxed. My mother seems to want to pretend to play happy families, when the truth is she ruined many a christmas day when I was a child if he didn't buy the right thing and then he would go mental. They ruined my sons first christmas by turning up hours late then creating an awful atmosphere. The last few years we've had her here suicidal, crying loudly and making huge fusses.... never EVER putting on a brave face and trying to make the best of everything.

I have now said I'm not having him here, he's horrid and when he's not being horrid he's not nice..... he just, literally, takes the piss out of me and my children in a nasty way, is silent or is monosyllabic.

I know this will make life harder for her.

To be honest if she hasn't been killed or taken her own life by the end of Christmas I'll think the festive season has been a success.

AIBU to leave him to her?

I've not spoken to either and won't.

Thanks for all the support.

Nothing you can do will solve their problems, you having them for Christmas will only achieve 1 thing - to ruin your day & possibly traumatise your son.

If you say no, they will shriek & strop but they will remain unchanged- their disfunctional behaviour will just have a different focus for a short while.

Do yourself a favour & block them.

You sound like you are getting stronger OP. Seeing it written down has made you see afresh how shit it is.

Please be very clear with both parents. You are not welcome here at Christmas (or any other time). I will not speak on the phone or open the door. Please do not attempt to spoil my Christmas or the Christmas for my children.

Ps I just wanted to say I agree with Boon "From what you've written it seems like the kindest thing you can do is support your sister in extricating herself from your parents."

Your father vertually waterboarded your sister!!! Do not allow him anywhere near your sister, you, your family. Make it clear you will call the police in this abusive man if he attempts to gain access to your home. Make it clear to your mum, enough us enough.

Nope fuck them. Have nothing more to do with either of them. Just because they produced you, does not mean you should put up with their behaviour and abuse now as an adult. If you feel bad for them then do it for your kids. They don't need that around them, ever, never mind when it's mean to be a magical time for them.

I'd have your sister and her family over and that's it Boxing Day. Tell them they are not welcome, have not to call and if they turn up you will call the police. They have each other.

Weirdly I have never bore any responsibility for their behaviour, although that was easier when they were the other side of the globe. But my sister has. She doesn't really need rescuing as she has a really solid family set up, my mother is more a threat to her happiness. I am going to talk with her today and see how she feels.
x

Stay resolute op for you and your sister and respective families.

How much better would both your lives be without them? I imagine much calmer and happier.

Invite your sister, uninvite / don't invite your parents. Their problems, not yours. Don't let them screw your lives up any further. At some point they have to take responsibility for their own lives.

Thinking of you today as you chat to your sister. Remember you owe them nothing.

Egos is the season of love etc rtf and so a Christian but I also believe the pare ts should be responsible for the kids, not the other way around!

Sorry, tgar should say...

This is the season of love etc etc and I am a Christian but I also believe the parents should be responsible for the kids, not the other way around!

I haven't read all of the replies but have Christmas day on your own and invite your sister and her family on boxing day.

If your parents insist on giving presents to your children, meet them for coffee in a neutral place and wish them a Merry Christmas.

Have your own day as planned.

To answer your question - no you would definitely NOT be unreasonable to ban your father, and block your mother from phoning you about it!

Invite your sister, don't invite your parents. They've made their choices - you make yours!

It's time to leave them to sort out their own fucked up relationship. You and your sister cannot expose your children to the abusive histronics that you and she endured.

I think IdaDown's suggestion is a good one. Let your DH's put the foot down that you want a Christmas yourselves. Unplug the phones. Leave them to their inevitably volatile reconciliation or whatever it is they are doing.

Let your mother threaten suicide. Quite frankly if she is genuinely suicidal, then she is beyond help from amateurs, she needs the professionals. So if she does call you saying she's taken something or whatnot, your next step should be to call the emergency services. If it transpires that it was a ploy for attention/ token attempt then knowing that it wont work any more is a good thing.

Stop giving in to her demands for a happy family facade. You never were a happy family, thanks to their actions. Now you do have the chance to have that happy family with your DH and DC's but not with them in the picture.

Now is the time to extricate yourself from the mess because once they start hitting old-age they will be more reliant on you for care and their toxicity will likely escalate esp. if they get dementia or similar. Trust me, I have been there. RUN now, and your sister too!

Haven't RTFT just want to pitch in to say you do not owe these people a single thing. Hope you have a lovely, lovely Christmas with your DH and children.

Best of luck OP.

FWIW - my mother had a very toxic, violent upbringing. She once said to me when I was in my 20s that she was just desperate for her mother to die (her father had some time before) as then she would finally be free. Being dragged into (even through mere observation as a child) the family dynamics was something that really harmed me as a child. It really would have been so much healthier in the long term for her and all of us if she had gone nc.

Sadly, when her mother DID die my mother was consumed with guilt, despair and rage and so she now tries to play happy families with her extremely toxic siblings - she is trying to re-write history. The same old family dynamics just playing themselves out ad nauseum.

I have gone nc with my maternal family. It is fairly easy as I live a very long way away. But it has made a heck of a difference and I honestly wish my mother had been able to.

I wish you, your sister and your families a very lovely Christmas. I'd be leaving your parents to it to be honest. As strongmummy said upthread, your only responsibility is to your children and to your DH.

Both parents sound equally toxic and manipulative. Put them both on temporary pause and think seriously if you'd be better off going no contact for the foreseeable future.

Maybe set some ground rules with your sister around speaking about your parents. Because you don't need a window into their world.

Have your special Christmas and block numbers.

I have a very toxic mother. Going NC was the best thing I've ever done.

Best of luck OP, on whatever you decide to do :)

I would get your children, husband, your sister and her partner/kids all together, pack up and go away for Christmas.

You don't need toxic people around your children, especially at Christmas. Enjoy your sister's company and you can all enjoy yourselves away from
the drama.

There is only one real response here OP and that's NO. I won't host you over the Christmas holiday. I won't subject my family to the abuse I endured. In fact, given the two of you seem to be so cosy again please retire to your mutually enabling toxic bubble and stay there permanently, away from me and mine. Oh and fuck you both.

This.

Please don't inflict this horrific toxic situation onto your own family, OP. Keep your home as their safe space. I hope that you and your DSis manage to go NC with your DP for your own sakes.

I have a toxic IL that I've gone NC with. My whole family dynamic has changed so much for the better. She ruined Xmas for my kids and me on many occasions. Wish we'd gone NC earlier but I didn't have the strength.

Jesus, why should these people ruin yours and your children's Christmas. They are adults, leave them to their own poison.

Plus , it may show your dad that not everyone will put up with his awful behaviour and that he has no control over you.

Talesoftwo - I'm sorry that you feel so conflicted in this way. The parent/child relationship is very complex and what seems like and easy decision to outsiders, is less easy when you are embroiled in it.

Does it make your decision easier, if you think of it from the perspective of your own children?

Firstly - could you imagine ever treating your children the way you have been treated?

Secondly - how would you feel about it if your parents had a negative impact on your children when they visit?

I'm guessing the answer to the first is 'no' and the second it 'devastated'.

You weren't able to protect yourself as a child - but you can protect yourself AND your children now.

Don't feel guilty.
Don't see them.

Please don't have them over for Christmas, Boxing Day or indeed ever again. There is simply no need to put that sort of misery and stress into your own and your children's lives. Switch the phone off, block both parents from your mobile phone, and tell them they are not welcome to come round because of their appalling behaviour. Be prepared to call the police if they do turn up.

Your family deserve better than this, don't allow your parents to do this.
i'd be nc with parents like this, give them an inch and they'll take a mile.
Put your foot down, turn your phone off, don't answer the door for all your sakes.

Oh lord you poor thing - and your sister too. Having EITHER of them in the house would be like inviting a bushfire round - hellish, dangerous, destructive and unstoppable. I hope your poor sister finds the strength to cut them off - they don't deserve grandchildren IMO.