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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas has rapidly turned to shit. Can I ban him from the house and her from calling me about it?

103 replies

TalesoftwoChristmasses · 19/12/2016 17:44

If I out myself, which I might as there's a lot of detail, please don't out me.

Backstory.

I have a violent horrific father and a difficult, possibly has BPD and narcissism, they finally split when my father left her for another woman my sisters age. I have rarely seen him in the last five years as he lives abroad.

My mother is on uber strong ADs and was suicidal. I am less of a crutch to her than my older sister who gets the very worst of all of it.

My father, whilst the bigger monster with no redeeming features, is a weird awful non communicative man my mother is no picture. Her abuse is perhaps not quite as obvious but damaging and pernicious in it's own way.
For a start she claims I've made up the things that happened to me as a child (mainly being hit) until I met my husband in my mid twenties.

So after leaving my mother after 40 years and saying stuff he can never take back, and hasn't tried, he's here for Christmas. He hadn't even had a conversation with her for five years. He's not trying to get back with her and hasn't said anything of the sort.

He's retiring next year and realises his money is not good enough to split in two and my mother doesn't have a good private pension as she assumed she'd be with him and she's never had an amazingly well paid job. My Dad has been lucky.

I spoke with him this afternoon and asked his intentions, without too much of an awkward conversation (on the phone) he shouted and swore at me and I put the phone down.

I was planning, for months, for myself DH and our children to have Christmas day on our own. Very relaxed. My mother seems to want to pretend to play happy families, when the truth is she ruined many a christmas day when I was a child if he didn't buy the right thing and then he would go mental. They ruined my sons first christmas by turning up hours late then creating an awful atmosphere. The last few years we've had her here suicidal, crying loudly and making huge fusses.... never EVER putting on a brave face and trying to make the best of everything.

I have now said I'm not having him here, he's horrid and when he's not being horrid he's not nice..... he just, literally, takes the piss out of me and my children in a nasty way, is silent or is monosyllabic.

I know this will make life harder for her.

To be honest if she hasn't been killed or taken her own life by the end of Christmas I'll think the festive season has been a success.

AIBU to leave him to her?

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 19/12/2016 18:14

As the child of toxic parents, I urge you to go non-contact. It's quite honestly the only way forward, and you owe it to yourself and your own family to move forwards. They'll never change, I promise you - absolutely never! I feel sorry for your sister, too, but you can only control how YOU deal with them. They sound absolutely vile, and just because they're your parents, doesn't mean you should forfeit a happy life just to feed their narcissism.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2016 18:14

You owe these people nothing (although I'll bet they try to tell you that you do).

Your father's a bastard - he can just fuck off, you want nothing to do with him. I wouldn't let him over my door, and if he turned up trying to get in I'd be just fine with calling the police.

Your mother's no better. Not only did she have her own special abusing ways, but she enabled him, she didn't protect you, so she can just fuck off as well. Can you block her number? Or get a second phone that everyone bar mother/father/sister has the number to, and you can switch the 'old' phone on periodically or pretend it's broken, can't afford a new one yet. For someone who's been suicidal for as long as her, she's remarkably alive. So is she really suicidal or just manipulative? Sorry to be so cynical, but it would seem to me to be manipulative.

Wishing you strength.

Afternoondelights · 19/12/2016 18:14

Why is your mother letting him move back in with her?? Does she have some notion that they will reconcile?
Op I would seriously consider cutting off all contact with them both and advising your sister to do the same, you really don't need this in your life and you owe it to your dc to not expose them to it as well.
Leave them both to each other, it sounds as though they deserve each other.

Maisy84 · 19/12/2016 18:17

They sound like a freaking nightmare and incredibly damaging! Protect your children, that's your job now, you are NOT responsible for your parents. Why put someone first who has no interest in your mental health or welfare or your children's by the sound of it? Invite your sister and tell your parents to do one!

TheSlaughterOfTheMortificados · 19/12/2016 18:19

I feel sorry for the three of you - you, your sister and your mother.

Your responsibility is to your husband and children - do NOT let anyone ruin Christmas for them, and particularly don't let your abusive and spiteful father anywhere near them.

Secondly - could you persuade your sister to stop back from the fray, too? Does she have a family? She will need to keep her children away from the drama, too. If it's appropriate perhaps the two of you and your DHs and DCs could spend Christmas day together, and support each other against your toxic parents.

Your mother really needs to get rid of him. What rights does he have if he went off and lived somewhere else for so long? Is his name stallion the house deeds, or is he on the lease?

Your mother could refuse to have him back - their marriage has broken down and they were separated - he can't just swan back when it suits him. She is also entitled to a proportion of his pension, and even if it isn't much, she will have a better life than staying with this vile and abusive man.

Maybe after the Christmas period you and your sister could help her get rid of him.

I know I'm making suggestions that your mother may not want or be able to implement, and your father will obviously make it as difficult as possible for her, but possibly something could be done.

The main thing though is to keep them away from your children, and secondly to do the best you can to support your sister who sounds very vulnerable, too.

TheSlaughterOfTheMortificados · 19/12/2016 18:19

*still on - not stallion, for heaven's sake ()

MrsBlennerhassett · 19/12/2016 18:20

YANBU dont let these people near your children please.
I feel very sorry for your sister but theres not much you can do. Just tell her shes welcome at yours if she wants to ditch the awful abusers.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2016 18:20

"It looks completely different written down"
It does, doesn't it? This is the power of the written word. It's clearer, less fuzzy, because you actually had to put it into words instead of just batting the details away in your head 9because they're too awful to give headspace to, or you've been dealing with it for so long that you're desensitised to the awfulness).

Writing it down helps you see what you're actually dealing with, and it's the first step in changing your life for the better.

((hugs))

TheSlaughterOfTheMortificados · 19/12/2016 18:21

Oh - and yes! You can ban him from YOUR home, and you can block both of the from your phone.

You owe them nothing.

notangelinajolie · 19/12/2016 18:21

Nope, you don't need parents like this in your life. Tell them both you don't want your children experiencing the kind of shit you did when you were growing up and that Christmas Day is for just you and your kids. And that Boxing Day is off bounds too because you are going out.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2016 18:25

TBH i would not have any of them at Christmas, and would certainly cut him from my life. He sounds like he does not add any value to it, you would be better off without him there.

ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2016 18:26

Bloody hell, keep them away Shock

They are absolute shits and you, your dh and your Dc do not deserve any of this.

Can you have your sister over Boxing Day and tell the other 2 to get tae fuck?

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2016 18:27

It's a no brainer. Don't invite them, don't take their calls. Try to protect your sister from them by offering her support. Would you and your sister consider doing some counselling together?

MeetMeAtMidnight · 19/12/2016 18:28

You've written it down. Now, read it out loud to yourself and imagine it was written by another poster. What would you advise that poster to do? Wouldn't you tell that person to go NC and block them from all media, phones etc. to take care of her own family and herself. Now, do that.

You can't control how they behave, only how you respond to them. It's not wrong to feel bad for your mum but she is your mum not the other way around, you do not have let her emotionally blackmail you. She failed to protect you and your sister when you were children and she had to live with that knowledge and guilt. You do not have to carry that burden for her or even absolve her if you don't want to.

MsJudgemental · 19/12/2016 18:36

As others have said, your responsibility is to your own family. Don't let your parents guilt-trip you- I would go NC with the pair of them and only support your sister.

krustykittens · 19/12/2016 18:37

I come from a similar background as you, OP, with a violent, alchoholic father and a mother who pretended nothing was happening and blamed me for stuff she couldn't ignore. I have FINALLY gone NC with them, at 43, and I wish I had done it years ago. They are both toxic, vicious people who care about nothing and no one but themselves. The guilt feels terrible and I am working with a therapist at Crisis, an organisation I cannot praise enough, but at the same time, the joy of knowing I will never have to put up with another minute of their bullshit feels like coming out of the dark into bright sunshine. Stop it all now, cut them off, don't let their bollocks ruin one more minute of your life or that of your family. My mother loves to play happy families too and I used to feel sorry for her, until I got older and realised just how selfish she was. Myself, my husband and my kids had to do everythign we could to make her feel loved and adored and at the centre of our family whenever she deigned to show up and like idiots, we did it so the kids could know their grandparents. I wish I hadn't bothered now, and so do the kids

PinkFluffiUnicorn · 19/12/2016 18:39

Oh it's a horrible situation, I understand you are probably feeling very guilty about them as they get older and need you? I had a similar father and I'm now non-contract for over 10 years. It feels really hard at the time, and I felt guilty and upset at the loss, like grief I think. But I'm now very happy with my own family and honestly feel nothing for him anymore. Good luck with whatever you decide. You are now only responsible for your family, your self,kids and husband, I think in that order too, because you can't pour from an empty cup. FlowersBrew

Original poster
TalesoftwoChristmasses · 19/12/2016 18:42

I've done counselling but it hasn't down much and my sister, who has had an eating disorder from early teens and now bouts of anxiety, sees a proper Dr Psychology.

I think I'm so used to minimising what's happened that I forget how shit it all is.

My husband is lovely and will support me whatever I decide.

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 19/12/2016 18:43

If I was you I would have Christmas with my sister and the husbands.

Neither of you owes your parents anything, take care of your sister and yourself, fuck your parents.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2016 18:48

One of the most valuable lessons we learn is 'you reap what you sow'. And your parents are definitely doing that! Neither of them deserves your time nor your consideration!

Proceed with your own family Xmas. Unplug/block numbers on the phone Xmas Eve and Day. Or silence your phone and give it to your DH to 'monitor' it for you in case a call comes that you need to take. That way you won't see texts or messages.

Do NOT NOT NOT have them to yours on Boxing Day! If you must 'entertain' them at all, do it in a public place. Either dinner in a restaurant or lunch in a pub. Somewhere where hopefully they'll mind their Ps and Qs and not start a ruckus. AND where you can get up and leave if then don't.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 19/12/2016 18:48

Detach, disconnect, block. You owe them nothing.

AdoraBell · 19/12/2016 18:53

Could you go to DH's parents this Christmas, or get up early Boxing Day and go out for the day? I know you shouldn't have to but in your shoes I would do so just avoid the aggravation this Christmas.

Then cut contact and leave them to get on with it as your DCs will be affected by the stress they cause.

Cherrysoup · 19/12/2016 18:55

You poor thing :( that sounds like a shit childhood :(

Why are you in touch with these people? Misplaced loyalty or taking the pressure off your poor sister? I wouldn't have anything to do with them, they would not be allowed in the same house as my dc. Go nc, you have already lost too many years to their evil behaviour. Live your life without these idiots in your life and that of your dc.

lionsleepstonight · 19/12/2016 18:56

Another one here, cut the pair out of your life. It sounds awful, and the most chilling part for me was when you said your mum would wind up your dad and it would end up with him hitting you and your sister. This makes her equally as bad as him. Walk away, you and your sister do not need that pair in your lives a second more. Don't feel pressured into Xmas invites, block all numbers.
Has your sister somewhere to spend Xmas away from them? If not, invite her round so she does not end up drawn back into the situation, as it seems she is more susceptible to them. Good luck OP. You deserve a million times better.

SquinkiesRule · 19/12/2016 18:59

You owe them nothing, don't put your kids through spending time with such toxic people, you need to protect them from these people.
Don't answer the phone, don't get into an argument over cream or visiting or anything else.
If your mother lets your father back into her life, that is her problem.

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