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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I fell in 'love' with a married man on the internet.

97 replies

a2011x · 19/12/2016 11:53

Hi

I am a 25 year old woman with a partner of 8 years (who I do actually love), and a 5 year old daughter. I have spent the last 1 year wrapped up in a game on my phone. The game consists of a large community of people and spread to different messaging apps. So friendships inevitably started. For one year we have a group of 16 of us who have been together from the start of the game. Very deep friendships, laughter for hours on end, I could rely to any of these people to be there for me at any given time, they have helped me more than anyone in my real life ever has, I know how crazy it sounds.

So I started speaking to a guy on there separately and in a nutshell, I ended up talking to this man night and day. He gives me butterflies, to me he is like a drug. I knew he was married and I did tell him yesterday we cannot go on. He admitted he knew he had to finish it here. Since this moment I cannot stop thinking about this man. I can't stop crying, I miss him more than anyone ever in my life. Now I know this is crazy because I haven't met him but I feel deep pain inside and want to sleep for weeks on end to take the pain away, the first thing I think about when I open my eyes , is him. The last thing before bed, is him.

I feel no guilt towards my partner, he is emotionally abusive, shouts at me, name calling, makes me feel like I am worth nothing. I phoned him just now and he told me the reason he is so angry is because of the phone. He wants me back how I was before the phone stuff happened, and that he misses our relationship. I do come home from work, eat my dinner, sit in the kitchen on my phone for 2 hours then go to bed, with my phone on, until I eventually fall asleep at 4am. I check my phone 6 times plus in the night.

I feel heartbroken over this man, true deep pain inside of me, I cant eat, sleep, think properly anymore. I miss him so bad. Its eating away at me, still I feel no remorse to my partner. Why am I numb? Does someone know what is wrong with me ? I want to fix it all so bad and do not know how to start.

Please, help me

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 19/12/2016 12:00

OK, so this game/man was helping you to ignore how miserable your life must be with an abusive husband. Now that crutch is gone, of course it is devastating. I suggest that if you can get rid of the abuse you will forget the imaginary man.

Giselaw · 19/12/2016 12:12

I didn't read she had an abusive husband, but one that is shouting abuse at her because she is having an emotional affair and glued to her phone and checked out of her real life as mother and wife. Frankly, I'd be loudly shouting some pretty choice words if my partner treated me and our child the way you have, OP.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 12:16

I read it the same as you Giselaw

Original poster
a2011x · 19/12/2016 12:18

I still do everything with my daughter its when she is asleep I am on the phone. My partner has been an unpleasant person for 5 of the 8 years , He is morbidly obese now and doesn't work. He is very miserable person and takes it all out on me as always. He has a tendency to blame for anything and everything, I work 8-8 most days, I am tired, stressed about money and the only thing that makes it better Is the people on the game

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/12/2016 12:20

Was your partner "emotionally abusive" before the business with the bloke on the phone started?

Foldedtshirt · 19/12/2016 12:22

So get out of the relationship and retain the moral high ground by not continuing with the emotional affair while you're still involved with your dcs father.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/12/2016 12:22

Why do you stay with your partner if he is like this? I know you said in your OP that you love him, but your description of him tends to belie this (not that I'd blame you going on the description!)

TheNaze73 · 19/12/2016 12:22

The two of you sound toxic

CarrieMayBe · 19/12/2016 12:22

Never mind your pain, have a little think about the pain his wife (and your DH) will feel when your little emotional affair comes crawling out the woodwork.

Stop being so selfish, if your marriage makes you unhappy then get out.

My DH over over 20yrs has this past week left me, not solely because of but mainly due to the (mostly) emotional affair he had been conducting via text for the past 6 months.

Myself and my children are going through utter hell. Is this what you want for your DD? If not then pull yourself together and either work on your marriage if it's possible to do so (like a pp said - has he always been abusive or is it because he can't handle how you've withdrawn from the relationship to concentrate on your affair?) or get the fuck out before you destroy everyone around you with your lies and deceit.

AnyFucker · 19/12/2016 12:23

Jeez, what a fucking miserable environment to bring a kid up in

sleepyhead · 19/12/2016 12:23

In your first line you say you have a partner of 8 years "who I do actually love" and now you say that he's unpleasant, morbidly obese and doesn't work.

By all means, leave your partner if this relationship isn't working for you - you don't need any excuse to do so except that he isn't the man for you and you want to move on.

However, your use of your phone is deeply, deeply unhealthy on so many levels and I would suggest you need to address that as well.

Katinkka · 19/12/2016 12:24

You need to forget about both men and be alone for a bit.

Original poster
a2011x · 19/12/2016 12:25

I stay with him because I have to go to work and rely on him to be there for before and after school. I pay £150 in clubs and take her to school myself because he refuses to do it. I keep him around for my daughter. he is a brilliant dad and is blissfully unaware(and she really is)

OP posts:
PinkiePiesCupcakes · 19/12/2016 12:27

Here's a different view.

"My OH sits in the kitchen all night on a phone playing a game and talking to some other person. We have a 5yo DD and OH is more obsessed with her phone and the other person than spending time wit me and her daughter. If I dare say anything then I get accuse of being emotionally abusive.
Its got to the point where I'm sick of playing second fiddle to her mobile. She stays upneverynight till 4am on it, hasn't sat with me for over a year, its like she's addicted. What should I do?"

If the was posted on here, I for one, would suggest a frank conversation tontell the absent partner to either dump the game and phone and check back into family life or tell them to leave.

You can dress upnypour behaviour in any fancy gown you like OP. You're having / have had an emotional affair for over a year and have found that man you don't know to be more important than yur partner and daughter.

Now I don't believe there's a hive mind on MN but if ypu were a man doing this you'd be called many names by many posters.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 12:27

*is blissfully unaware(and she really is)(

I wouldn't bet on that

AnyFucker · 19/12/2016 12:28

She's not exactly getting an easy ride, Pinkie

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/12/2016 12:28

I stay with him because I have to go to work and rely on him to be there for before and after school.

If he doesn't work then surely he can continue to do these things after you split up?

take her to school myself because he refuses to do it. I keep him around for my daughter. he is a brilliant dad and is blissfully unaware(and she really is)

How can he be a brilliant dad if he refuses to do something as rudimentary as take her to school?? Confused

Is he agrophobic?

It really doesn't sound as if you love him, btw. Surely all of you would be better off if you separated?

sleepyhead · 19/12/2016 12:28

There you go again Confused. He's a brilliant dad who refuses to take her and collect her from school so you have to pay for clubs.

How is that brilliant?

Either he's a shit husband and father and you're better off out of it.

Or you're painting him badly to make excuses for checking out of your real life relationship and avoid having to modify your use of your phone until 4 am every night and your emotional affair with another man.

Or a bit of both.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/12/2016 12:30

Now I don't believe there's a hive mind on MN but if ypu were a man doing this you'd be called many names by many posters.

I don't know what thread you're reading Pinkie but it sure as fuck ain't this one.

OP is getting anything but sugar coating. (and the thread has only just been posted).

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 19/12/2016 12:30

AnyFucker

It took me to loing to wrote my reply. When I started there was only two responses. Damn my fat, stupid and slow fingers.

SelfCleaningVagina · 19/12/2016 12:31

I feel no guilt towards my partner, he is emotionally abusive, shouts at me, name calling, makes me feel like I am worth nothing. I phoned him just now and he told me the reason he is so angry is because of the phone. He wants me back how I was before the phone stuff happened, and that he misses our relationship. I do come home from work, eat my dinner, sit in the kitchen on my phone for 2 hours then go to bed, with my phone on, until I eventually fall asleep at 4am. I check my phone 6 times plus in the night.

It's hardly surprising he shouts at you and calls you names really, is it? You are not there. He's living with someone who ignores him and has absented themselves from the relationship because you are so wrapped up in your game your bloody phone, and now this man.

How do you expect him to react to that? Confused I imagine you might be yelling some things that could be construed as 'emotionally abusive' too, if the boot was on the other foot.

Shouldn't you be paying more attention to your daughter, apart from anything else?

Do you even know what this man looks like? Falling in love with total strangers on the internet does happen, but there are lots of emotional affairs that go nowhere once people meet and realise they've been in love with their fantasy idea of this person and not the person themselves. It looks to me like you settled down and had a child far too young so now you are hankering after knowing how it feels to be with someone else. So far so normal...

But this man might be revolting and completely not your type in real life. Just because you click with him as an online friend, trust me - it REALLY doesn't mean that you'd click with him as a lover.

gamerchick · 19/12/2016 12:31

How can she be blissfully unaware when you're on your phone day and night. Does she get more attention than your phone does?

This person your brain latched on to to distract you from your RL isn't real.. he's not real! Now it's gone you have to face up to your realities and end your relationship if it's miserable.

Manumission · 19/12/2016 12:32

25? Time to grow up I'd have thought.

SelfCleaningVagina · 19/12/2016 12:36

And putting the man aside for one second, it's not healthy for your poor daughter to be parented by someone who is so obsessed with a game on her phone that she can't sleep at night or focus on her responsibilities as a mother.

I do come home from work, eat my dinner, sit in the kitchen on my phone for 2 hours then go to bed, with my phone on, until I eventually fall asleep at 4am. I check my phone 6 times plus in the night.

So where does you daughter manage to squeeze herself in between your job and your phone obsession? Seriously, it's shit. It's neglectful. Just stop it.

DailyFail1 · 19/12/2016 12:38

You come across pretty selfish in your posts OP, which is probably why your OH is shouting at you. Tbh if my partner was like this with his phone, I would have left him.

Also, it must be pointed out here, that what you had with this other guy WASN'T real. It was just a crutch for two sad people too gutless to leave unsatisfying relationships. I would bet even if the two of you got together you'd have no better life than the one you have now.