I fell in 'love' with a married man on the internet.

[a2011x]

Hi

I am a 25 year old woman with a partner of 8 years (who I do actually love), and a 5 year old daughter. I have spent the last 1 year wrapped up in a game on my phone. The game consists of a large community of people and spread to different messaging apps. So friendships inevitably started. For one year we have a group of 16 of us who have been together from the start of the game. Very deep friendships, laughter for hours on end, I could rely to any of these people to be there for me at any given time, they have helped me more than anyone in my real life ever has, I know how crazy it sounds.

So I started speaking to a guy on there separately and in a nutshell, I ended up talking to this man night and day. He gives me butterflies, to me he is like a drug. I knew he was married and I did tell him yesterday we cannot go on. He admitted he knew he had to finish it here. Since this moment I cannot stop thinking about this man. I can't stop crying, I miss him more than anyone ever in my life. Now I know this is crazy because I haven't met him but I feel deep pain inside and want to sleep for weeks on end to take the pain away, the first thing I think about when I open my eyes , is him. The last thing before bed, is him.

I feel no guilt towards my partner, he is emotionally abusive, shouts at me, name calling, makes me feel like I am worth nothing. I phoned him just now and he told me the reason he is so angry is because of the phone. He wants me back how I was before the phone stuff happened, and that he misses our relationship. I do come home from work, eat my dinner, sit in the kitchen on my phone for 2 hours then go to bed, with my phone on, until I eventually fall asleep at 4am. I check my phone 6 times plus in the night.

I feel heartbroken over this man, true deep pain inside of me, I cant eat, sleep, think properly anymore. I miss him so bad. Its eating away at me, still I feel no remorse to my partner. Why am I numb? Does someone know what is wrong with me ? I want to fix it all so bad and do not know how to start.

Please, help me

[SelfCleaningVagina]

He is morbidly obese now and doesn't work. He is very miserable person and takes it all out on me as always. He has a tendency to blame for anything and everything

I hate to break it to you, but some bloke who spends most of his days and all of his nights being obsessed with an online gaming community is probably not exactly the catch of the century either....

[loobyloo1234]

I do come home from work, eat my dinner, sit in the kitchen on my phone for 2 hours then go to bed, with my phone on, until I eventually fall asleep at 4am

Your poor DD

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

I suspect OP won't be back and this thread will disappear in two shakes of a dead lamb's tail.

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

If you're up til 4am every night and then working 8-8, it'a no wonder you keep partner around for DD's sake.

Who takes care of DD - meals, bathing, bedtimes and who does housework?

Is he a cocklodger or bona fide SAHD?

You're addicted to this game and this man is an extension of the game.

Look at Baby P's mum, she was addicted to gaming and lost sight of what was being done to her son. I am in no way saying you are anything like that, you are obviously crying out for help, but that case was a stark reminder to everyone of the dangers of losing yourself in online games/identities.

[DJBaggySmalls]

Do you really think your partner is emotionally abusive?

[Scooby20]

I think you sound like one of those people who rewrite your relationship to excuse your behaviour...

[a2011x]

If I can explain, I work until 8pm every day and my daughter is asleep when I get home. I don't neglect my daughter ever, she is nothing to do with this, its all when she is asleep. I barely see my daughter until Saturday and sunday, although I do take her school and arrange for other people to collect her.

He Is now 29stone and finding it difficult to move, he has no confidence to go and get a job, or walk up the very steep hill into the school. He is so big he is embarrassed of himself. I do love him, and I know that the root of his unhappiness is his weight. We didn't have sex for 2 years because his penis is buried. He is lazy in bed, lazy around the home.

I know the relationship on the phone wasn't real, but the pain of missing him really is real. I have locked myself away at work because I can't speak to anyone without crying. I feel the worst I have ever felt in all of my life, throroughly depressed

I know I have been unfair to him but he sits on the xbox with his mates until 2am every day, tells me to go away if I come near him. He has always been naturally manipulative as a person but I lost hope so much that im too exhausted to try any more. I feel like I am drowning majority of the time. I just need help

[SelfCleaningVagina]

I'm glad you said that Scooby because there seem to be an awful lot of those on MN lately.

[hackneyandbow]

grow up

[a2011x]

He has thrown things at me, called me a leach, thrown drinks in my face, he has called me fat , ugly, disgusting every name ever imaginable. I am numb to him, used to it. Most days he is shouting about something, that I have to wash all of his clothes for him for the weekend, despite him sat at home all day. I don't go near his cock so he is most definitely not that. He uses sex as a weapon against me, if I argue back with him, he will tell me that now we cant have sex again for a few weeks because he doesn't feel like it with someone who argues with him. He has no respect for me at all, I know that from a long time ago, hence why I am in this situation now. I have begged on my knees for him to care, I've cried and cried about him for years but since I found the person on the game I can ignore him now. I have no issue with him screaming at me when I am talking to this other person anymore. Believe me I am not a selfish person, I just want to be loved so bad that I cry just writing it

[SelfCleaningVagina]

Let's reframe this to:

'my wife has totally let herself go, she's obese and unattractive, she never wants sex, I don't fancy her anyway, she's lazy around the house, always sitting on her fat arse on MN all day and all evening. She uses the fact she is a SAHM as an excuse not to get a job but I am tired of being the sole provider working all hours. I have been messaging other women on the internet out of loneliness and now I have fallen in love.'

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

So why stay with him?

Leave.

He can be SAMP to your daughter whilst you work.

It sounds like a very unhealthy atmosphere to raise a child in.

[Pettywoman]

If you cant sort out your marriage you should leave your husband. Sounds like neither of you are happy. Why prolong the agony? I'm sure you'll both be happier.

[Goingtobeawesome]

It's time to grow up. You could be seeking advice from this man's wife. Stop being a silly girl and spend some time alone if you don't want to be with your partner. This is real people's real life's and emotions you are messing with. It's not a fucking game. Grow up.

It's not great your partner is being like that it doesn't excuse your behaviour.

[SelfCleaningVagina]

Agree with Petty.

Phone Man is irrelevant really. I really feel sorry for your daughter. It sounds like she drew the short straw with both of you.

[Daisyfrumps]

I think you should repost in relationships OP - you are living with domestic violence and he's abusive. I can't believe some of the responses you've received here. It's not your fault. The situ with the other man you stopped because you knew it was wrong. Now you need to find freedom and safety for yourself and your DC x

[Meemolly]

Gosh. I would suggest sitting down when you are in a really clear frame of mind and re-reading everything you have written and the responses. People are trying to highlight your inconsistencies OP. They are not criticising, we all do it, but you have posted somewhere publically and now people are challenging you on what you have said. If you are looking for 'Oh, poor you', I think you have come to the wrong place. You are an adult, a parent, and as emotionally difficult as I appreciate this must all be for you, you appear to have sought refuge online as real life is too difficult. But you need to sort out real life first. For yourself and for your daughter, who will know exactly what is going on. Kids always do.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Actually I don't think some of the responses would be different in relationships.

Neither have excuses for their behaviour.

The relationship is toxic.

[Saukko]

If he won't even take her to school, he's a crap dad.

But. Big but. Leaving won't be easy. If you're working 8 til 8 and the courts see him as 'her primary carer', he could get the lion's share of the custody and you'll end up Every Other Weekend parent paying him maintenance. He might very well know this, which is why he's not working. He might think if he can drive you to leave by verbally abusing you and throwing things at you, he keeps the house and your paycheques. And probably still won't take your daughter to school.

OK, so you've mentally checked out of what sounds like a miserable relationship. Use this opportunity to finally stand up and say it's over. Because it is; one of you just has to make the next move.

Unfortunately for you, he may currently hold more cards as goes custody and maintenance. I strongly suggest seeing a divorce lawyer who can advise you as to the best course of action.

[Daisyfrumps]

I'm not sure the personal attacks would be as likely to happen away from AIBU.

[Joanna0685]

Dear a2011x what is this game? Call me naiive I am older than you, but I have never heard of it

[Benedikte2]

How can he be a good father if he is so obese he can nearly move? All he can do for your DD is sit and be there . Cannot properly supervise because if she got into difficulties he couldn't move fast enough. A parent in a wheelchair would be more mobile. Is your daughter in reality a carer for him -- fetching and carrying?
I cannot see any redeeming features in your relationship. See a lawyer adapt and make plans for the future. Get some counselling to sort your own feelings etc.
Your gaming may feel like it makes life bearable but it is a dream world and you are not getting enough sleep to cope realistically with your situation. You most know deep down that the current situation cannot continue.
Take action asap

[lovelearning]

he is emotionally abusive
shouts at me
name calling
makes me feel like I am worth nothing
he is so angry
an unpleasant person for 5 of the 8 years
He is morbidly obese now and doesn't work
He is very miserable person
takes it all out on me as always
He has a tendency to blame for anything and everything
he refuses to do it

a2011x, you're indulging in escapism in order to avoid the real issue.

Book a consultation with a divorce lawyer.

[lovelearning]

Jinx.

[ZouBisou]

I feel sorry for you. I think you know yourself that this online man is just a mirage and definitely not the solution to any of your problems. Look up 'limerance' on Google, and see if that is what you are feeling. Online gaming is so addictive, you know you can't continue like this, you need to find a way to stop completely.

Try to put the game and the online man aside and imagine they don't exist. What do you actually want from life? To find a way to repair your and your husband's relationship, or to move on from him? Was your relationship good once and do you think it could be again, or is there no coming back from the emotional abuse and way he makes you feel so bad about yourself?

It must be tough to have to work so much and be the sole financial provider. What would need to happen for you to get a job with more standard hours or the possibility of working from home sometimes? How can you make that happen?