I fell in 'love' with a married man on the internet.

[a2011x]

Hi

I am a 25 year old woman with a partner of 8 years (who I do actually love), and a 5 year old daughter. I have spent the last 1 year wrapped up in a game on my phone. The game consists of a large community of people and spread to different messaging apps. So friendships inevitably started. For one year we have a group of 16 of us who have been together from the start of the game. Very deep friendships, laughter for hours on end, I could rely to any of these people to be there for me at any given time, they have helped me more than anyone in my real life ever has, I know how crazy it sounds.

So I started speaking to a guy on there separately and in a nutshell, I ended up talking to this man night and day. He gives me butterflies, to me he is like a drug. I knew he was married and I did tell him yesterday we cannot go on. He admitted he knew he had to finish it here. Since this moment I cannot stop thinking about this man. I can't stop crying, I miss him more than anyone ever in my life. Now I know this is crazy because I haven't met him but I feel deep pain inside and want to sleep for weeks on end to take the pain away, the first thing I think about when I open my eyes , is him. The last thing before bed, is him.

I feel no guilt towards my partner, he is emotionally abusive, shouts at me, name calling, makes me feel like I am worth nothing. I phoned him just now and he told me the reason he is so angry is because of the phone. He wants me back how I was before the phone stuff happened, and that he misses our relationship. I do come home from work, eat my dinner, sit in the kitchen on my phone for 2 hours then go to bed, with my phone on, until I eventually fall asleep at 4am. I check my phone 6 times plus in the night.

I feel heartbroken over this man, true deep pain inside of me, I cant eat, sleep, think properly anymore. I miss him so bad. Its eating away at me, still I feel no remorse to my partner. Why am I numb? Does someone know what is wrong with me ? I want to fix it all so bad and do not know how to start.

Please, help me

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

AGreed, which is why I said that the partner should be doing the bathing if required or doing other work around the house, what I am saying though is that if the partner is not doing it then it is not an excuse for the OP not to do it.

Emotionally the kid is being neglected, yes everyone needs downtime, but if the OP is coming on here and saying she is stressed then that doesn't wash with me for the following reasons;

OP said that she sits until 4 am onher phone (after the two hours spent when she gets in in the evening - so at least a quarterr of her day is spent on the phone, she works 12 hrs per day - so 3/4 of her day is taken up not spending any time with her daughter - this does not include commutting, or the cleaning etc she states that she does

secondly sitting til 4am on a phone means that she will not be getting the sleep that she needs, which leads to more stress - meaning that the time spent with DD is stressed time rather than quality time

[Kittenrush]

Sorry to contradict you but OP has stated that she bathes her DD in the morning and goes to her phone once she's in bed. That's not neglecting her needs. I think every mother is allowed an evening where they have a couple of hours of down time. She chooses this time to spend on her phone.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Change the fact that the OP is in her phone to something like, drinking alcohol, gambling, smoking drugs etc....I would love to hear what the people of MN say about this situation then ....and in reality there is no difference here....the OP imho is in the grip of addiction....that being addiction to the game in her phone and speaking to the people on it - this is evidenced by the two hours after she gets home. The staying up until 4am and the waking in the middle of the night to feed the addiction.

Follow this by the fact that the ops partner shouts at her about being in the phone all the time.

At the end of the day the OP whether she is doing some things with her daughter or not is neglecting her emotional needs - and if there are issues with bathing her etc, there are two hours every night where OP could do that while not sat on her phone.

And before anyone starts about the partner should be doing it, I agree, he should, but just because he isn't doing it does not mean that the child should not be being bathed. It's not a case of he isn't doing it so why should I, it's a case of the health of the child.

[UnderCrackers5]

The person in the game. How can you be sure it is a man ? It might be a woman pretending to be a man

[Coastalcommand]

i'm afraid I have to agree with what the previous posts have said. You have neglected your husband and then blamed him for being emotionally abusive.
If my husband behaved like you have done I would do more than shout, I would have left by now. You say he is abuse and by the sound of it he is struggling with his mental health. You need to support him and behave like a proper partner.
As for this Internet affair with this married man, you need to see that for what it is - A stupid mistake which has almost cost you your relationship. This other man says he is married. In reality he could be anybody, a man or woman old or young, you have no idea.
If you love your partner as you say you do then use this opportunity to fix your relationship while you still have chance. If not then it's time to leave and maybe grow up a bit on your own for a while. It sounds as though you could do with speaking to somebody professionally about the problems you have, and this addiction to your phone.

[Kittenrush]

I could be way off the mark but it sounds like your confidence is very low when it comes to men. You put up with this man who frankly sounds like quite a nasty person and doesn't input anything into home life or anything. Find a way to free yourself from both of them. Sounds like you are filling a void with online fantasy. Find something else to fill it with maybe? Easier said than done though
I actually really felt for you in the first few posts (then it got a bit confusing but I'm back with you again now) it's easy for people to say break it off and do this or do that but it's your life and these things are hard
if you're brave enough to leave your husband and smash your phone up you might find you're a thousand times happier though

[Gottagetmoving]

You live in a fantasy world.
You say you do love your husband and yet you spend all your time drooling over someone you have never met. Then you say your husband is abusive.
You are unhappy. Find the real cause of that and get some counselling either alone or with your husband.

[sillypussy]

Been there, done that and trust me, they are NEVER like that in real life. They come across as caring and supportive online because it's escapism for them too. Only good thing to come out of my dreadful situation was it gave me the impetus to leave my exDH. Every cloud.....

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

CaraAspen

He's morbidly obese. Really? Ugh

Do you ever have anything helpful to post or are you always on a mission to make the OP feel worse?

You behaved the same on the Orlando/sick child thread.

[CoconutGal]

It sounds to me like your husband may be depressed. Have you considered that? If my husband was having an emotional affair with someone & I was unable to get a job I'm pretty sure the ground would swallow me up & I too would become depressed. I'd stop making an effort with myself let alone any relationships because in my mind, what's the point? No help from my spouse because they're too busy wrapped up in a fantasy with someone they've never met.

If someone you've never met is worth a damn site more than your own relationship with the man who's clearly crumbling away in front of you then the kindest thing to do would be to let him go. You're not doing him any favours. Your daughter certainly isn't having a good time either seeing all this happen & you clearly do not want to stay in this anymore.

[StStrattersOfMN]

You are NOT addicted to him. He is a fantasy, you don't know him, no matter what you think.

You're in love with an idea, a person you have created in your head. You are NOT in love with 'him'.

Sit down and think about what you really want, what would be best for your family. Phone man is NOT included in this; he is married, unobtainable, and not what you have painted in your mind. If it is that you need to leave your marriage, then put that in motion, but first of all I think you should make a clean break with this ridiculous game that has taken over your life, and try to restart your relationship with your DH. You must have common ground, build on that, find something that you can do together that gets him out of the house.

[Manumission]

addiction I have for this man

You really need to do yourself the favour of acknowledging that you have free will.

[a2011x]

I bath her in the morning before I leave to take her to clubs, my house isn't a shit hole because I clean it when I get home when I am in the kitchen. Thanks for those who were helpful. I am going to speak to someone about counselling. To clarify one last time, my daughter is looked after well and lives a happy life. I am just tired, unhappy, and found something that took the pain away. I am not a martyr, but I do everything in my house and I am tired. I am exhausted but the addiction I have for this man keeps me awake at night. I do feel if you don't understand online relationships you wont understand how I feel and this was never going to be the right place to come to. Either way its wrong, and so is my relationship in my real life. My daughter has never ever been neglected, she is a clean loved clever bright happy little girl and NEVER would I put her second. I know I am wrong but the names and assumptions here are so harsh. I never said my house was a shit hole. I never said my daughter was neglected, I never said I'm on the game 24/7, I never said my daughter was awake when I was on the game. Thanks again to those who understood in my inbox.

[Kittenrush]

Also he never bathes her, you have to do it, but she's in bed by the time you get home? Do you get her out of bed to give her a bath?
If he does nothing does she put herself to bed?
I'm very lost

[Thornrose]

So many inconsistencies. I think you should've avoided so much detail on your family life. It's hard to wade through that then just address the issue you seem to want to discuss.

[Giselaw]

Every time you post, the story changes. You play on your phone until 4am and you're up at 6.10am and you work with patients?! On two hours of sleep.

Your house is a shithole because your husband does nothing and you also do nothing (because as soon as you get home and make your dinner, you play on your phone.)

[Sonders]

Piglet if he's messaging another woman 24/7 it doesn't exactly sound like a marriage that's going to last. By the time OP has sorted her life out he might be single too :P

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

maybe then you can give your game friend a call.

Erm he is married too....

[Sonders]

Oh my days, you two should not be together! Even if you do still love each other, you clearly don't like each other and it must be making both of you miserable.

You don't need to be together for your DP to still look after your DD, and if you get rid you'll probably find yourself with a little extra income that could help with childcare.

Don't you want to be happy? Right now your just being a martyr so stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something positive.

When you're rid of this disastrous relationship and have had a good break off to heal, maybe then you can give your game friend a call. But first, have some 'you' time and make your life less of a shit stick.

[MrsMeeseeks]

You might feel a little stronger and more emotionally resilient if you quit the game for a while and started getting a proper nights sleep every night. Everything seems ten times worse when you're sleep deprived.

[Stinkbrain]

A few years ago I was in a similar situation as you, I had an abusive partner and sank into depression. Then I found a game called Second Life and that's what it became. I was obsessed, day in day out I was on there. I emotionally neglected my children and myself, however it gave me the strength I needed to get away from the abuse. It gave me an escape and a window into another life I never knew was there.
I haven't been on there in years and I am now happily married to a lovely man so there are some positives. The people that are telling you to get a grip possibly don't understand that gaming etc is an actual addiction as real as any other. My advice to you is to get rid of the person causing you unhappiness and spend sometime on yourself finding out what makes you happy. Put all that focus on your daughter and see your GP maybe get a referral for counselling.

[Bananabreadordead]

Is the game clash of clans? As in, you've been in a clan of 16 people since 2013 and you and this bloke have struck up an emotional affair off the back of it via facebook messenger, twitch etc?

If so I recognize this behavior. I was in a clan with a couple of people who would flirt constantly, both married.

All I can say is you're deluded if you think a relationship founded that way will ever work IRL. You are not in love with phone man and you're not inlove with your DH either. Let them both go.