I fell in 'love' with a married man on the internet.

[a2011x]

Hi

I am a 25 year old woman with a partner of 8 years (who I do actually love), and a 5 year old daughter. I have spent the last 1 year wrapped up in a game on my phone. The game consists of a large community of people and spread to different messaging apps. So friendships inevitably started. For one year we have a group of 16 of us who have been together from the start of the game. Very deep friendships, laughter for hours on end, I could rely to any of these people to be there for me at any given time, they have helped me more than anyone in my real life ever has, I know how crazy it sounds.

So I started speaking to a guy on there separately and in a nutshell, I ended up talking to this man night and day. He gives me butterflies, to me he is like a drug. I knew he was married and I did tell him yesterday we cannot go on. He admitted he knew he had to finish it here. Since this moment I cannot stop thinking about this man. I can't stop crying, I miss him more than anyone ever in my life. Now I know this is crazy because I haven't met him but I feel deep pain inside and want to sleep for weeks on end to take the pain away, the first thing I think about when I open my eyes , is him. The last thing before bed, is him.

I feel no guilt towards my partner, he is emotionally abusive, shouts at me, name calling, makes me feel like I am worth nothing. I phoned him just now and he told me the reason he is so angry is because of the phone. He wants me back how I was before the phone stuff happened, and that he misses our relationship. I do come home from work, eat my dinner, sit in the kitchen on my phone for 2 hours then go to bed, with my phone on, until I eventually fall asleep at 4am. I check my phone 6 times plus in the night.

I feel heartbroken over this man, true deep pain inside of me, I cant eat, sleep, think properly anymore. I miss him so bad. Its eating away at me, still I feel no remorse to my partner. Why am I numb? Does someone know what is wrong with me ? I want to fix it all so bad and do not know how to start.

Please, help me

[a2011x]

ZouBisou - I have tried and we have tried so many times to change the relationship. 5 years of trying and repeatedly saying it will change. It's OK for a few days and then he will fly off of the handle about something or other and then its me who struggles to let it go.

I do identify with limerance but with this one person only. I have never looked at anyone else, and infact if it was real and infront of my eyes physically I would not be doing it

[Joinednow]

I feel very sorry and sad for you and your daughter and this situation you are in.

I don't think you are grieving the loss of this man as much as you are crying because now you have to face this situation on your own and there will be no one there to escape to.

Do you have family who can help you take care of your daughter whilst you work?
Could you perhaps change your hours and arrange for a childminder?

You do know that you need to leave right?
You are 25 years old, please don't waste anymore of your life.

It is also hardly likely that your partner will fight for full time custody when he can't even be bothered to take her or pick her up from school.
Even if you get 50/50 custody - would it be so bad?

[YorkiesGlasses]

I pay £150 in clubs and take her to school myself because he refuses to do it. I keep him around for my daughter. he is a brilliant dad

If I said that I was at home all day and my husband had to pay for afterschool clubs and do the school runs because I didn't feel like it - would you call me a brilliant Mum?

I think you are just saying these things automatically, things you should say, then your true feelings come out afterwards. Do you really love him? It's okay not to. But you have to deal with it in real life, not run away to virtual reality. Can you get a job with more sociable hours?

And your married man friend - he also spends hours every day on this game? For all you know you could end up switching your useless husband for someone else's useless husband... He's not necessarily out at work all day like you. Maybe he sleeps all day and is only up and organised by late evening?

[YorkiesGlasses]

I really feel sorry for your daughter. It sounds like she drew the short straw with both of you.

Do you feel good, sticking that knife in?

Where did you find evidence that she is a bad mother? She works full-time every day to provide for her family, while also organizing all the childcare arrangements, and she says she only goes on this game once her dd is in bed. It's her dh she's avoiding, not her child.

[Thornrose]

He sits on the Xbox every day until 2 am. You're on your phone or at work. I think your dd has a very raw deal.

[a2011x]

I do love him . I know I love him in a 'if he was hurt I'd be devasted' kind of way..? Since he gained this much weight problems started. I don't have anyone who can look after my daughter other than him. My daughter does pick things up for him and such.. he doesn't bath her but complains that I havent so have to do as soon as I walk in to a messy house - no dinner made for me at all even though I am absolutely starving when I get home. I have tried to find working from home jobs but they are all scams. I do have an Ok job in the NHS. I recognise its escapism, limerance, escape from reality, I lost myself in all of this and not sure what I am doing here.I recognise I was using the man online to make myself feel better about real life. But now the phone man is gone, it leave me with a broken horrible relationship. I want to fix it, incase he has just told me it will be fixed, I am partly to blame for my absent-ness in the last year. One year ago I told my partner I was so down and depressed I was ready to get in the car and drive into a wall. He told me to stop crying like a baby - as usual. I know I don't come through in a good light here. Sat in my office on my own since 9am, cant bear to talk to anyone. Thought about phone man while seeing a patient and was choked up so bad. Went to go and see my colleagues and I had started crying again before I got half way up the corridor. I am not stupid, I have a brain, I grew up way before my time having a daughter at 19 years old. I am very mature - funny enough one of the reasons my own partner finds me so boring. He has no idea how it feels to start my day at 6:10am and finish at 9pm 5 days a week

[TheCatsMother99]

Yours and your partners relationship sounds absolutely awful. Right now, doesn't matter who is to blame, I don't know why you're together when I would put money on your 5 year old picking up on all these bad vibes. It's not healthy for her.

[a2011x]

please - he goes on his xbox - I go on my phone when she is bed ONLY
I am not a bad mother - NEVER

[Gowgirl]

Its not a real relationship, I had a similar group\allience on game of war but out of the origanal 20 only 3 of us are still in regular contact! Stop playing and sort out real life, those games are set up to suck you in and bond you as a group very quickly so they can get at your money!

[BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld]

Relationships on your phone aren't real.

If your do is that bad leave him.

Go to Women's Aid and/or the police about the abuse.

Don't get entangled in anything else first, just make a clean break.

Don't get involved with married people/people in relationships.

Pay more attention to your child than to a game made of pixels.

[Joinednow]

Do what you would advice your daughter to do if she ever finds herself in this situation in the future.
Whatever you would advice her, do exactly that. Don't be scared to take the first step, it will lead you to a freedom you have never known.

[Gowgirl]

Those games are psychologically designed for people escaping life or those with addictive personalities, all its done is drive the op here were she will get good advice!
I'm no gamer but it hooked me through boredom, I stopped playing the day I got up for a wee at 2am and checked my sheilds were still up!

[a2011x]

shield anxiety I do have

[MrsDesireeCarthorse]

OK, so following several massive dripfeeds after nobody was on your side, your husband is now seen by most people here as abusive.

You were having an emotional affair and are ignoring your husband pretty much the whole time you're at home. That's abusive too.

Something needs to change now.

[Purplebluebird]

Ouch, you're getting a rough ride here. Yes - your phone relationship should not have happened, it was wrong and it is good that you have ended it. However I think your relationship currently is in a very bad state. Honestly, I know you say you care, and you will do for some time, but you need to get out. You two are not a good combination, not a good match. Get out, and in a few years time you can find a nice man that you like just as much as the guy on the phone. Nobody should have to put up with name calling and emotional abuse. It would make you a better mother to leave him behind, I genuinely think so.

[a2011x]

Mrs Desiree

If I had written it all in the first message ( I don't know if I can ) it would have stopped you all reading it

[Daisyfrumps]

To be fair, a2011x did state that her partner was emotionally abusive in the OP, but it may have read as if that was only after she was spending a lot of time on the phone (which I don't think excuses him either quite frankly).

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

You were having an emotional affair and are ignoring your husband pretty much the whole time you're at home. That's abusive too.

Something needs to change now.

I agree

[Mybeautifullife1]

OP I think you are being given a hard time here.

It looks to me like you've invested so much emotionally with gaming man because things were so shit between you and your DH. Not that things became shit with your husband because you invested so much time in gaming man/your phone. However, it sounds like your marriage has run its course. You deserve someone to support you IRL not an online life.

Your DH can't be full time carer to your DD if he's too obese to leave the house. Check out what tax credits and WTC you'd get if you got out and reduced your hours.

[lovelearning]

I'm not stupid

"I have been indulging in Internet escapism."

That's what I read, when I read the title of this thread.

a2011x, time to face reality.

You are living with a man who you do not love.

Three people are suffering in an unhappy environment.

Do everyone a favour, and book a consultation with a divorce lawyer.

a2011x, please say aloud:

Today I close the door to the past
Open the door to the future
Take a deep breath
Step on through
And start a new chapter in my life.

-Unknown Author

[UnconventionalWarfare]

Your both toxic to eachother i just cant decide which one of you is a bigger cunt little miss grass is greener or mr shouty. Harsh truth is you leave or you deal with the problem no ifs and buts. If anythibg him watching your decent has furthered whatever issues he had to begin with you are both abusive in one way or another. How much money have you also spent in this game?

[Daisyfrumps]

"Mr shouty" ?!

He's emotionally and physically abusive. He's violent.

OP said:

I just want to be loved so bad that I cry just writing it

I think calling her a cunt is way out of line UnconventionalWarfare - you're being abusive too!

[Bananabreadordead]

Is the game clash of clans? As in, you've been in a clan of 16 people since 2013 and you and this bloke have struck up an emotional affair off the back of it via facebook messenger, twitch etc?

If so I recognize this behavior. I was in a clan with a couple of people who would flirt constantly, both married.

All I can say is you're deluded if you think a relationship founded that way will ever work IRL. You are not in love with phone man and you're not inlove with your DH either. Let them both go.

[Stinkbrain]

A few years ago I was in a similar situation as you, I had an abusive partner and sank into depression. Then I found a game called Second Life and that's what it became. I was obsessed, day in day out I was on there. I emotionally neglected my children and myself, however it gave me the strength I needed to get away from the abuse. It gave me an escape and a window into another life I never knew was there.
I haven't been on there in years and I am now happily married to a lovely man so there are some positives. The people that are telling you to get a grip possibly don't understand that gaming etc is an actual addiction as real as any other. My advice to you is to get rid of the person causing you unhappiness and spend sometime on yourself finding out what makes you happy. Put all that focus on your daughter and see your GP maybe get a referral for counselling.