Sadly though having an episiotomy cannot prevent you from tearing - you make an episiotomy cut, baby comes out (like mine tried maybe, with his hand on his head) and that 'controlled' episiotomy cut can turn into an episiotomy + serious tear (that then goes towards the anus).
I wasn't directing my comments about vagina vs vulva to the OP, but as a general comment based on responses on the thread which persist in calling the vulva the vagina. Even a lesbian who claims to have 'seen a lot of vagina's' goes on to talk about 'keeping your vagina waxed' - has anyone, ever, ever ever, in the world, waxed their vagina? And I make that point not to get at anyone (we can all interpret/work out which exact area someone is talking about) but if we can't accurately describe the part of the body we're talking about, it's going to be difficult to have conversations with medical professionals when we don't know our inner labia from our outer, or a vagina from a vulva.
I fully believe the anal sphincter damage I got was from birth #1 with DS where they did an episiotomy as I only had a very small natural tear with birth #2 DD. So there are no guarantees and I don't feel that episiotomies prevent damage - not always.
I would love to know, of all the babies who were crowning but not coming out who then went on to have an episiotomy on the advice of the medical team in the room at the time, how many first tried for several contractions with the woman in an entirely different birthing position? Probably very few since we've once again returned to the fashion of 90% of women labouring on their backs despite NICE guidelines which support that ambulatory labour is far better. Not getting a tear and not needing an episiotomy in the first place is clearly the preference as is if a baby is in distress getting them out. But what leads to them being in distress in the first place?
When women labour on their back key, massive, arteries are bearing the weight of baby and all the amniotic fluid. Addditionally the sacrum (tailbone) which is meant to be free moving and swings back to allow the back of the baby's head to be birthed, is now rigid in place because the woman is laying on it. Hence the head approaches the perineum slightly differently and certainly not in the gravity assisted way that nature intended. The uterus is fed with blood from these major arteries. When a contraction happens babys heart dips and then it recovers (Type 1 dips). However, Type 2 dips can develop where the recovery time becomes much (dangerously) longer thus compromising the baby. These Type 2 dips are often a trigger for 'we'll have to do an episiotomy'. I believe if I hadn't been put on my back for the actual birth of DS he wouldn't have had Type 2 dips and I wouldn't have needed an episiotomy and my ass sphincter wouldn't now be compromised.
I think this thread is very important not only for reassuring OP that all DHs / DPs seem to really not have a problem with how our vulva's look / how our vagina's feel - so that's a bonus and something for us not to worry about. It still gives you a pause though when you see the repair cock-ups and attitudes which still abound - and the expectation of what a 'normal' vulval area should look like not helped by porn. Thank God I read a book in my early 20s that hundreds of women had contributed to and agreed to have their lady parts drawn by an artist because that made me understand early doors that there is infinite variety and it's all entirely normal. Can't remember the name of the book.
Can I also give my view of the fantastic surgical procedure called 'Modified Fenton's Procedure'. I would like to meet Dr Fenton and give him a piece of my mind. After birth of DS I was stitched up REALLY well but I had a lot of scar tissue in the perineum which felt really alien to me. So doc says don't worry we can sort that out. Now I'll admit, I was stupid and didn't ask enough but when we were sat discussing 'scar tissue' I thought he'd be dealing with the, scar tissue. No, he did this procedure which involves making a vertical cut at the base of the vaginal opening then stitching it up horizontally. This did nothing to deal with the numb scar tissue area whatsoever and only served to give me a base of vaginal opening to anus distance that is no more than a thumb's width wide, and made the vaginal opening slightly more, well, open. Still, it survived birth #2 and all the component parts still work ok but I'd look at it with a jaundiced eye if I was ever offered it again!