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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to know where kids will be sleeping when it's dh turn on weekends?

30 replies

Ididntwetmyself · 17/12/2016 15:23

He totally lost his shit yesterday in. Education when I asked whether they'd be sleeping at his new place or his parents'.
Said I was being controlling.

Wtf??

OP posts:

sirfredfredgeorge · 17/12/2016 15:34

No you don't need to know, however nice it would be to.

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/12/2016 15:48

No, you don't have the right to know. It'd be lovely to think you could both communicate openly and effectively but it's not always the case and whilst it can be infuriating as a parent handing a child over to another adult and giving them full control, it's sometimes the result of a break up.

Lucked · 17/12/2016 15:51

No he is in charge of the parental decisions whilst in his care.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2016 15:51

Nope. Up to him.

Patriciathestripper1 · 17/12/2016 15:52

I'd have wanted to know as well. Why shouldn't you be able to ask! He is being a dick.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2016 15:54

Yes he is being a dick. But he is also right.

MsStricty · 17/12/2016 15:55

None of your business, as much as you might want to know. It can be hard, I know. His response feels like it has years of resentment under it. Nothing is ever simple - and yet it still is not your business.

Floralnomad · 17/12/2016 15:55

You may want to know ,but it's none of your business in the same way as he cant question what you do when they are with you .

periwinklepickspoppies · 17/12/2016 15:55

I would expect to know. In return you need to extend the same courtesy to him.

Whatsername17 · 17/12/2016 16:14

Why is it not be ops business? I'd want to know where my kids are going to be and there is no reason for it to be a secret. In reverse, I'd say your ex deserves to know where the kids will be sleeping when you have them.

saoirse31 · 17/12/2016 16:29

Why do u need to know? Do u tell him every single time precisely where kids are or more pertinently, does he demand to know? You had kids with him, he has shared custody so presumably he's capable of looking after and making decisions for them, as you are.

SweetTeaVodka · 17/12/2016 16:31

Do you keep him informed of their whereabouts when they're with you, OP?

Whatsername17 · 17/12/2016 16:36

This is crazy - it's not like the op has asked for an itinerary of their weekend, just to know which house they will be sleeping in. Id never ask my mum for a run down of every activity that dd does with her when she goes for a sleepover, but I'd expect to know which house she would be sleeping in. As co parents they should both be open and honest with each other. The idea that one parent has 'no rights' when the children are in the care of the other is madness.

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2016 16:36

It's not really a big deal either is it? He's either at his place to at his mums.

Not as if you have no utter clue where on the planet they are. But even then, as pp have said, you either trust him with them or you take him to court to restrict access if you think he is a danger to them.

Do you let him know if they're not sleeping in their usual beds? Every time they have a sleep over, stay at your mums, you go visit a friend? Give him the address of your holiday apartment?

BigFatBollocks · 17/12/2016 16:37

I would have wanted to know with my ex but that was because he was a lying bastard and I couldn't trust him.

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2016 16:38

Id never ask my mum for a run down of every activity that dd does with her when she goes for a sleepover, but I'd expect to know which house she would be sleeping in.

Your mum doesn't have parental responsibility though. Should one of them have an accident you'd need to be able to get to them or a nearby hospital, quickly, to give permission for treatment. At their dads it's not so urgent as he can consent to any treatment.

Whatsername17 · 17/12/2016 16:46

But it isn't about an emergency situation. It's just a courtesy. And yes, I'd expect to tell my kids dad if the kids were on a sleep over, or give the name of a holiday resort. That really isn't a big deal. Adnittedly I'm still with my dh who is the father of my dd and as yet unborn dd. But, I check with him before agreeing that dd can sleepover at my parents and vice versa. I don't think it is unreasonable to want to know where your kids are.

Scooby20 · 17/12/2016 17:02

You are both being unreasonable. Yes it would be nice to know where they are. But it's also not a big deal. They are at his or his parents.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2016 17:04

If your children went on a sleepover would you tell him?

Bluetrews25 · 17/12/2016 17:32

In an emergency, they'd be treated 'in best interests' surely?
And if you weren't there, Dad would be!

cardibach · 17/12/2016 17:37

HIBU to lose his shit over you asking. HWNBU to not tell you in advance.
I've been divorced from DD's dad since she was a baby and didn't necessarily know where she would sleep. If it came up in conversation he would tell me, just it wasn't necessary for him to run it by me first. She was with her dad - that's all I really needed to know. She's an adult now and we've both survived all that lack of precise knowledge somehow :)

LemonSqueezy0 · 17/12/2016 17:37

Ultimately you don't have the right to know, and legally he doesn't have to tell you. Try to pick your battles, as, potentially you've got plenty of bigger issues stretching our on front of you. Try to trust him and let some of it go

BigFatBollocks · 17/12/2016 17:50

The bottom line is, op, if you have good reason to question him, then question him. If not, don't.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 17/12/2016 17:52

Friend's ex came to look round to look at her new house to "inspect" it and make sure it was "up to standard". But when friend asked to do the same thing her ex told her she wasn't welcome at his house at all, never mind in the kid's bedrooms.

I think they need to find a balance in how they deal with each other, TBH.

needsahalo · 17/12/2016 18:10

How old are the children? The courts do seem to generally support both parents being aware, generally, of where their children are sleeping, particularly young children. But not in all situations and it is reasonable to work on the basis that a parent is responsible and there is no reason to assume the child is at risk in a parent's care. In all honesty, does it make a difference whether you know or not?

This works in your favour because at some point you will do something that he feels he has a right to know about. This is something you will be able to cite as reason he has no rights to know your whereabouts or what you are up to. It works both ways.

Pick your battles. This really isn't one of them.

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