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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best friend called DD unpleasant names

121 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 16/12/2016 16:51

Basically my best friend of 20 yrs doesn't have kids but is ttc at 41. I met her today with my DD who is 4, tired from school and grumpy and had a meltdown. Best friend said 'God that child is a fucking horror'. DD really isn't- she's tired and a normal 4 year old.
I'm really upset! Aibu to say something as I was too shocked at the time!

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 16/12/2016 17:21

What concerns me here may be overthinking this is friend saying "that child is a fucking horror" as opposed to "can be a fucking horror".

Does this mean your friend thinks this a lot of your child or is it just me overthinking it?

SuperFlyHigh · 16/12/2016 17:21

Sorry bloody italics didn't work in second one!

DearMrDilkington · 16/12/2016 17:22

Yeah that's what I thought super. The friend could have said "oh children can be horrors can't they!", but instead chose to insult the op and her dd.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/12/2016 17:22

Let's hope she has her own horror soon and you can get your own back

Topseyt · 16/12/2016 17:23

Why do you refer to her as your best friend? If she can refer to your child like that in front of both you and the child then she isn't a friend.

She doesn't have children, so I would bet that she is one of those sanctimonious people who knows all about how they should and will behave and how perfect hers will be.

Yes, absolutely tell her that you take great offence at what she said.

LightDrizzle · 16/12/2016 17:23

If she said it mid-tantrum then she was wrong to swear in front of your daughter, but she might just have got tone and timing epically wrong.
Do you ever jokingly and deprecatingly refer to your daughter, or her behaviour, negatively? I've blithely told my disabled DD2's 1:1 not to feel sorry for her if she is tired and grumpy at school because " - she was a little toad last night" - and the like. Now I'm sure her 1:1 wouldn't say the same to me, but perhaps your friend just misjudged how it works and how protective you feel, she maybe spoke to you as you would have spoken together in the past about a misbehaving child or teenager you both observed.
I feel it would be much more insulting if said when your daughter wasn't having a tantrum, as is would be a judgement of her generally.
Without knowing more about you both it's hard to say, but I think she might just have made a crass error of judgement, and if you are good friends, it might be an idea to sleep on it and consider letting it go.

SuperFlyHigh · 16/12/2016 17:23

I'm just trying to recall my behaviour at 4, I was a bloody horror because I couldn't zip my coat up, struggled tying shoelaces and then screamed blue murder at start of term probably partly because my dad was getting divorced from my mum and had moved out of family home and I missed him terribly

Is pleased I was normal!

DearMrDilkington · 16/12/2016 17:25

4yr olds do tend to be emotional little sods, I blame the long school days!

SuperFlyHigh · 16/12/2016 17:25

DearMr totally out of order in my opinion.

When I was very young (17 or 18) I made the mistake of criticising slightly a friend re her parenting (single mum) and was quite rightly cut a strip over it! She was quite nasty though too, beat her son in front of me...

DearMrDilkington · 16/12/2016 17:28

Oh that's awful, no wonder you commented on her patenting skills!

MargaretCavendish · 16/12/2016 17:29

Do you ever jokingly and deprecatingly refer to your daughter, or her behaviour, negatively? I've blithely told my disabled DD2's 1:1 not to feel sorry for her if she is tired and grumpy at school because " - she was a little toad last night" - and the like. Now I'm sure her 1:1 wouldn't say the same to me, but perhaps your friend just misjudged how it works and how protective you feel, she maybe spoke to you as you would have spoken together in the past about a misbehaving child or teenager you both observed.

I think this, absolutely. I've seen the difference between criticising your own loved one and someone else doing it cause conflict on several occasions. I once had a blazing row with a boyfriend about something he'd said about my brother; he kept pointing out (correctly) that I had said similar things previously in the past and just couldn't see why him saying it was hurtful. Similarly, my husband is almost comically oversensitive about anyone upsetting me - he was genuinely miffed that 'people hadn't properly appreciated' a joke I made on a facebook message thread recently(!) - but it doesn't mean he never acknowledges any of my flaws himself! I think the friend really misjudged this one, but I think it was a misjudgement not an act of malice.

RebelRogue · 16/12/2016 17:30

If my friend called my kid that in front of her i'd be annoyed and say smth then and there. If they said it out of earshot,i'd probably laugh and agree. She can really be a fucking horror sometimes. Her (unknown by her) nickname used to be little haemorrhoid because she was such a PITA.

wonderingsoul · 16/12/2016 17:34

I thinks its the swearing that would do it for me.. becayse it implys a nastier tone imo.

Iv called my friends kids horrors or said there on one today aint they. And they do the same back.

My reply would have been.. yeahh shes a handfull today ahes tired but just you wait.. kids are mini arshholes no matter how nice and sweet they are normally. She wont have a full idea of what are like sonid give her some leaway but if its upset you id tell her. If shes any sort of friends shell say sorry.

Levatrice · 16/12/2016 17:35

What she said was unbelievably rude im shocked! ( and i know kids can be a total pita mine included) but saying that is just a step too far in my opinion.

I would start distancing myself from this person until she gets off her high horse. Does she realise that she is ttc a child who will 100% also have tantrums

MeetMeAtMidnight · 16/12/2016 17:36

Yes, your friend was bang out of order to say what she did in front of your dd. I think talk of never darkening doorsteps again is also a bit OTT though. Sounds like she was having a bad day herself, not that that's an excuse she's an adult and should be more in control. Kids have tantrums and yes, they can act like little horrors, I've called mine that and worse (without the 'fucking' qualifier, but even people without kids generally understand that. If she's never overreacted like this before when your dd has been playing up I'd calm down a bit then call her. She needs to know this is not acceptable, probably already does, so give her a chance to apologise, if she doesn't or tries to minimise it. then maybe you need to reconsider the friendship.

And the jealousy thing? Again? No. Stop it.

MargaretCavendish · 16/12/2016 17:37

God, all these 'just you wait!' comments are making me feel so sorry for the friend. Please, please don't say anything like that to her, OP. At 41 realistically there's a good chance she'll never have her own child and I'm sure she knows that. She was in the wrong but making it about the fact that she's not a mother is just so cruel.

PrivatePike · 16/12/2016 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarenotkiddingme · 16/12/2016 17:40

Hardly front page news that a tired 4yo had a tantrum because they didn't want to walk up a hill! It's how a 4yo who's yet to learn emotional control and who doesn't (hopefully!) have the vocab an adult does to express their discontent at the idea.

If I was tired and faced with a hill I'd say to my friend "I really don't have the energy to scale that fucker"

It's a horrid way of describing a child - even if at that time they are being a horror!

wonderingsoul · 16/12/2016 17:42

It isnt making it all about the fact she may not have children...its a true fact that she wont know what there like.. and theres nothing in the op that states shes having trouble ttc... just that shes started so why tip toe around that fact... if she wanta to give an opione then she can take something back.

myoriginal3 · 16/12/2016 17:46

End of friendship for me.

specialsubject · 16/12/2016 17:49

child is behaving like a four year old. Surprise!

I assumed it would be the child's best friend doing this. To find it is an adult is shocking.

best she goes back on the pill by the sound of it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/12/2016 17:51

Margaret- that's the sort of thing I would have said before I had ds. If have thought there was something the mother could do to stop the tantrum.

Then I had ds and it was a bit of a shock!

NavyandWhite · 16/12/2016 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/12/2016 17:52

I think I'd lie down and cry if I had small legs and was asked to scale a large hill.

DixieWishbone · 16/12/2016 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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