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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my family are being selfish about Christmas?

50 replies

Norskii · 15/12/2016 21:22

DH and I have 4 DC, our youngest is only a few months old.

We either go to DF and step mother's house for Christmas or travel for 7 hours to DH's family.

My step mother's DC aren't going to be around for Christmas this year for various reasons so she has decided not to 'do' Christmas... We have invited them here, they say they'll 'pop in' but have refused to come for lunch. I have explained to DF that it's not all about step mother and her family, he has family and Grandchildren too who really want to spend Christmas with him, even if it's only for Christmas dinner. He's said no.

DB and his wife are spending it with my mother. My mother and I don't get on. DB has said he can't even 'pop in' to see us as he will be drinking.

My uncle and cousins haven't responded to an offer of a get together between Christmas and New Year as they are upset that I didn't attend my cousins wedding in Ireland (I was 9 months pregnant).

We don't want to travel to DH's family this year as it's quite far and we have a new baby. SIL, BIL and their son don't want to come to us as they want their son to wake up in his own house on Christmas day. Other BIL will only come if he can bring his dog which we don't have space for unfortunately as MIL might be coming and bringing her two dogs as a condition of her visit.

I just feel really upset that no one wants to spend Christmas with us and the kids won't get to see extended family this year... I don't think we're that awful!

AIBU?

OP posts:

SheldonCRules · 15/12/2016 21:28

Yes YABU, you don't want to travel to others but expect everyone else to make plans that involve coming to yours. Why do they all need to make the effort and not you?

Whatsername17 · 15/12/2016 21:30

Yanbu but I'm so jealous. Id love not to be pulled in different directions by ils, parents sils and my siblings! See it as a gift that you get to have a small family Christmas.

Original poster

Norskii · 15/12/2016 21:31

Because we make the effort every year, they have never come to us. This year we have a newborn so hoped they could come to us for a change.

OP posts:

user1477282676 · 15/12/2016 21:31

YABU. Not EVERY Christmas can be the same with the same people. Life's about change OP. This year it's just you lot and that could be lovely...we've been having a Christmas with just DH and I with our DDs for years now because my Mum always wants to go to my sisters. You've just got to grow up and accept people's choices.

Original poster

Norskii · 15/12/2016 21:32

Thanks whatsername, that's a nice way to look at it.

OP posts:

stickygotstuck · 15/12/2016 21:34

It sucks, Norskii

I can't help as we are in a very similar situation, but without the 'excuse' of the long distances to travel.

Are your family always like that? Not just this Christmas? My inlaws are always like that and after the latest incident of general disinterest, which left DD in tears, I have decided to plan just for our nuclear family and only mention any planned get togethers in passing, as long as it does not inconvenience us too much. It is desperately sad for DD especially, but these people aren't worth the heartache.

If your family are not usually like that I'd try to be understanding. If they are always useless and disinterested I'd enjoy your own family on the day and sod them.

Underthemoonlight · 15/12/2016 21:34

Cherish the time together as a family unit. They are entitled to have their arrangements just as much as you are.

reup · 15/12/2016 21:35

You said your MIL might be coming? That's one granny! My kids have never had any of theirs as they were either dead or suffering from dementia. We have always had lovely Christmases with our own traditions - they love it.

MissMarplesHat · 15/12/2016 21:35

Sounds great to me! We have both our mums every year, would love a day with just us.

harderandharder2breathe · 15/12/2016 21:43

You have your reasons for wanting it a certain way, your family has their reasons for wanting it a different way

Yabu as you sound like you only want it on your terms, which is fine as long as you accept not everyone will want to do it on those terms

yorkshapudding · 15/12/2016 21:50

Can we swap please? Every Christmas DH and I run ourselves ragged trying to keep both sides of the family happy and making sure it's all "fair" and equal. I would love to shut ourselves away, just our little family unit and have a quiet Christmas pleasing ourselves for a change.

I don't understand why people get so hung up on needing to spend Christmas doing the same thing with the same people. As families grow the routines have to change to accommodate different peoples wants/needs and people want to make their own traditions with their own immediate families. It's not wrong of you to want a big family Christmas but it isn't wrong of them to want to do their own thing either. Don't take it personally.

randomeragain · 15/12/2016 21:55

why are you doing any of this

dogletsrock · 15/12/2016 22:01

I normally cook for what feels like hundreds. This year we are on our own, just me my DH and DS. We can relax, have fun, not worry about keeping everyone entertained. It is going to be bloody brilliant. Christmas is what you make it and I expect your kids might actually really enjoy it.

EweAreHere · 15/12/2016 22:02

Just as you have the right to determine how you want to spend your Christmas, so do other people and their immediate families.

YABU to be upset that other people won't travel long distances to see you, or are prioritizing their spouses or other parents this year, when you're not willing to travel yourself or have issues with other parents, etc. (Yes, the grudge holders over a wedding are being silly when you couldn't travel, but they still get to decide how they want to spend their Christmas.)

Let it go and enjoy your family. You have all year to see people; try to get past the 'but it's Christmas'.

SaucyJack · 15/12/2016 22:05

Perhaps your relatives seeing their hosting as them putting the effort in, and you just turn up for a free dinner?

bear28 · 15/12/2016 22:07

Why don't you stay at home with your DH and DC and make your own amazing memories for a happier Christmas? Rather than the faff of trying to organise everyone who isn't available?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 15/12/2016 22:08

They all sound like a bit of a nightmare TBH. Enjoy it together.

JenLindleyShitMom · 15/12/2016 22:13

TBH it sounds like a lot of people suiting themselves in the way that I hear so many people wishing they could every year.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2016 22:20

TBH I think you might find if you have a Christmas with just the nuclear family, you might never want a Christmas with the extended family ever again .

At the moment the only real possible is your MIL, but only if she can bring her dogs. I'd come up with some excuse as to why you can no longer accommodate the dogs because I hate people who accept invites but only if their wholly unnecessary conditions are met and instead have a lovely Christmas Day just the six of you, feet up in front of wall-to-wall Christmas TV, eating exactly what you all want instead of stressing out over cooking for the five thousand.

DinosaursRoar · 15/12/2016 22:22

It sounds like you have run around trying to fit in with everyone else because they made you think they all wanted the big family Christmas in the past, and that being together was the 'correct' way to do Christmas, so you had to pack up your DCs to fit round everyone else.

This year you need them to do the work of travelling and fitting round you in order to have the 'big family Christmas' you've been led to believe they think is important, and lo, it looks like when it's them to do the travelling/work, then it's not important after all.

If that's the case, then YANBU to be pissed off that 'being all together for christmas' only matters when it's you that's being put out for it.

But a small Christmas with your 4DCs (so not that small!) will be lovely, visits from Grandad to see them on the day for a bit, but gone for the meal, able to play with toys, nice and relaxed day.

Remember this in the future if they want you to go back to running around to fit in with them, you might decide being at home and available for visitors is nicer!

ReturnfromtheStars · 15/12/2016 22:23

Is MIL not coming then? If she is unsure why not let BIL take his dog instead?

Blacksheep78 · 15/12/2016 22:27

My DP's, DSis & DBro all agreed that it was too far to travel to ours, so we had to go to theirs. 2 hour drive which apparently was so much shorter for us.

After 25 adult years of offering to host, I put my foot down and refused to travel anywhere on Christmas day. DP & I have had 5 years of peace and harmony instead of fuss and stress.

Our DC's all come to visit together over the weekend before, which allows us to get together as a family and also enables them to see their DP's families on the day without the drama of being torn different ways.

Relax and enjoy it OP.

FaFoutis · 15/12/2016 22:28

I have explained to DF that it's not all about step mother and her family
I tried this with mine, but then I realised it was actually all about step mother and her family and ever would be so.

Have a nice day with your children.

Original poster

Norskii · 15/12/2016 22:29

Yes hopefully MIL can come, it's going to be a bit crazy with the dogs though. Really glad she's keen to spend it with us.
Even if she doesn't I'm feeling much more positive about it now, thanks guys

OP posts:

Original poster

Norskii · 15/12/2016 22:30

Fafoutis- exactly

OP posts:

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